Suggestions and Ideas

 

Hey Friends

First off, thanks for stopping by my blog.

At this point I’ve written a lot more than I thought I would.  In this labor of love, I’ve written over 200 posts, which is sort of crazy.  I hope some of it has been and will continue to be helpful.

I’m adding this page because I’d love to know what you’d like me to write more about. Leave any ideas or thoughts here in the comment section (or if you don’t want to be seen so to speak – you can reach me by email through the Contact page).

What would you like me to write about that I haven’t?  What would you like me to write more about than I have?  What questions do you have?

 

 

18 thoughts on “Suggestions and Ideas

  1. Justin…amazing blog! I found it while google searching for “christian pickup artist” – the google results were surprisingly slim, and I did not find one single useful resource except your site. Your articles are amazingly well thought out and articulated – I have spent the last ten years (I’m 36 now) being frustrated with the state of the church when it comes to this whole idea of giving men tools they need to attract women – I still need them – in fact that’s why I’m replying because I’m still on that search. Where is the christian version of that VH1 series with mystery you speak of? Where’s the christian version of the Real Social Dynamics bootcamp, or just a local meetup group? I am a beginner at this and feel so helpless – like I’m just now realizing my incredible dearth of knowledge and understanding in this area yet am so at a loss to find the christian version. And people are so amazed that there’s a porn problem in the church! Gee I wonder why! I’m considering signing up for the secular classes just because I have no other choice – any resources you know of I would be forever in your debt if you could post them or send them my way: thechrisanderson@gmail.com ….once again thank you immensely for your amazing articles.

  2. Justin, I was pleasantly shocked to find your blog. So much truth, and ideas I have been pondering myself, searching for godly help in countless books and conversations with others. I appreciate that you are a man and are primarily addressing men, as well.
    I have read a good number of your posts, and haven’t quite come upon this one yet: What is the godly woman’s approach to finding a spouse, and the biblical support?

    The advice I keep getting is “the man has to pursue you,” and I’m discouraged from putting myself “out there,” whether it be online, or even making efforts to search out events I can attend that have the potential of meeting new men. They challenge me to search the Bible for examples of how the woman got married. I started in Genesis, skimming for marriage examples, and even thought I’m still in the Pentateuch, usually these were arranged by someone. In a culture that does not practice arranged marriages (and the fact that my father has passed away), what does this mean for a woman? If Ruth was an anomaly in the “normal pattern” of how women marry; if men are supposed to pursue but will hardly so much as look me in the eye; and if I don’t meet many new men, and even an online presence produces little or no dates, not to mention more serious prospects…well, am I really just to “wait and pray?” (I have some of my own thoughts about wholesome flirting, etc., and even ideas about different approaches to dating, but not sure how to back it up with scripture.)

    A second but possibly related topic is the advice that one should simply pursue the Lord’s work, rather than try to meet someone… because wouldn’t you want a man/woman who is “all about the Lord’s work?” I was just told this again recently, and I figured this was THAT person’s personal experience, but not a formula. I mean, can’t you “be about the Lord’s work” and just be working at your job, or doing your Bible study at a coffee shop, or even just shopping for groceries? And what IS “the Lord’s work?” Volunteering at a homeless shelter or being on the worship team at church? Doesn’t this look different for everyone, and not limited to overt ministry? I keep hearing, “You’ll never meet the person when you’re LOOKING,” but that doesn’t sound true to me.

    Thanks so much for your passion for this subject, and the encouragement and help you are providing for us al!

    • Hey Karis

      Let me take these in reverse order. Because the second one is easier. You should always do what you feel like God is calling you to do. The work of the Lord according to Jesus is to believe in the one He sent. (John 6:29). So follow Jesus. But the idea that it’s when you’re not looking is bogus. I think what people mean is when you’re not acting desperate. Acting desperate will often get in the way. But the idea of just put your head down and go is bad advise in my opinion.

      There’s not a lot of biblical answers for finding a spouse, for a man or woman. There is good biblical ideas of what kind of person to look for, but not how to look for them. It’s not in there. That’s ok. What is also in there is how to live our life. That’s actually pretty helpful. You don’t have to back up your ideas about flirting with scripture. What you need to do is make sure that nothing you do goes against what is clear or implied in the scripture – including treating the opposite sex with respect etc. I haven’t written a post this and I probably need to. But for now here is a starting point -http://donalgraeme.wordpress.com/2014/01/04/signal-to-noise-ratio/

      Hope that helps

  3. Thanks for your thoughts, Justin! Appreciated the link to the blog about appropriate flirting. I am only now learning (since turning 40) that while a man should pursue, the woman must often take the FIRST step, showing him that his attentions would be welcome. Some women are natural at communicating this attitude (what I call flirting); for others of us, not so much. We are awkward and can appear “cold” when we are interested in a guy, and no one taught us that we have to subtly (or not so subtly) INVITE the man to pursue us! If only more of us had known this in our 20s, while instead we were being good Christian girls, waiting to be pursued. Thankful to know this now, but sad for the lack of guidance for so many of us. I wonder if it would help the men to know that not every woman is great at flirting, and their acting distant is not always a “go away” but a “I wish you’d come talk to me!” Hopefully we are learning to do this better…

  4. Hi, Justin. I came across your blog recently from a link on singleroots.com. I’ve been perusing your posts, and I think you offer a different perspective than all of the other voices I’ve heard in the “Christian world,” and it’s refreshing. Your posts challenge me, as a woman, to think about the reasons why I’m still single and to engage God about those things. I think my question/idea is a piggyback off of Karis’ comment above. As stated in your “About” section, you naturally offer a male perspective and the vast majority of your posts, reasonably, offer advice and challenges to other men.

    My question is do you know of any resources that are geared towards women, in a similar vein to the way your blog is geared mostly to men? Could you provide more posts about male attraction (e.g., what men find attractive in women)? Thanks for considering!

  5. I hope you’ve got a plan to speak at churches, publish a book, publish an article on Christianity Today or other ways to get your much needed message out there. More people, single and married, in the church need to hear it because I’m not seeing it anywhere else online.

  6. Are big age differences between the man and woman in a relationship a problem? I just turned 45, and have never married. I see a lot of a anecdotal evidence on various blogs that there’s are many churches with more single women than single men, especially over age 35. In my church there are a lot of single women, not many over the age of 30. This is because the original church location is in a part of town near a couple of universities. So those who attended came from there and we’re in their 20’s. Now that a second location launched in an inner suburb a couple of years ago, there is more more diversity in age, but the older folks are married. If I were pursue marriage from the single women in my church, I would have to choose from women 15 to 20 years or more younger than me. I think that would be like courting Lolita. It doesn’t help that my pastors are all younger than me, and have wives close in age to them. I would also guess you married a woman close to your age.

    Last year, my church participated in a dating reality show called “It Takes A Church”, where members of the congregation helped a young woman find suitors. I wasn’t allowed to participate because I was 44 and the cutoff age was 35. The woman in question was 26, which is too young for me anyway. It hurts me to think my church doesn’t seem to care about singles over a certain age. I’m open to being introduced to any women by my pastors my small group and I said so to them, but so far, nothing has happened.

    • Hey Jaime

      As for your first question about age. I don’t really think there is a rule. One of my best friends and I used to say our rule was half our age plus 7. So if you are 45 that means we would have said you could pursue anyone 29 1/2 years old or older. Haha. That was just our rule of course. But if you play it out starting at 30 I think it actually sort of makes a lot of sense. Of course to be honest my friend broke that rule and married someone even younger.

      I married someone 6 years younger than me.

      As far as the church – yeah they don’t really know what to do with anyone single over 30 probably. Especially 40. It’s tough. I’m sorry you are living in that.

  7. I want to know more about two related concepts: (1) Confidence and (2) “not being a pushover/nice guy / standing up to her…” etc.

    Then (3) I want to tie them together into a broader question that I think covers both of them.

    (1) I want to know how confidence that Christ is my savior, and accepts me, and is going to raise me from the dead, is supposed to bleed over into confidence in dating. Women all magically detect “confidence” right? Are they detecting that I believe Christ is my savior, or are they detecting how likely I think they are to say yes to a date? Because I can have all the confidence in salvation I want, and know for plenty of good and sufficient reasons that my odds of success in getting a date are low. They’re two different things. Which one are women actually looking for, and which one is it they magically detect?

    (2) Everyone talks about women wanting guys who “lead”, who “aren’t pushovers,” who “aren’t nice guys,” etc. Question: what does this mean in the context of DATING. NOT MARRIAGE. Its fairly obvious what this means for married men. But when I’m asking a woman out for the first, second, or third time, the only things we’re going to disagree over, or have to decide together, are whether we’re going to Chipotle or Olive Garden. What if I really don’t give a darn? How am I supposed to “lead” while I’m casually dating a girl? I’m not an integral part of her life, I’m not her primary counselor, I’m not even likely to be *informed* about serious decisions that she has to make. How, given that we all spend the first 14 years of our lives being taught to be courteous and considerate – that is, NICE – am I supposed to demonstrate that I’m not “just a nice guy” in that context?

    (3) To tie both of those together: I don’t know how to convey power in social situations. I’m slightly autistic, so I didn’t get the benefit of just magically absorbing all these skills from the air the way the rest of you do. I don’t know the rules, the symbols, the mechanisms, the procedures, or the standards for conveying that I’m a powerful person rather than a weak person. I grew up being taught to be courteous and considerate – which, apparently, comes across as weak unless you also know some magic thing. So what’s the magic thing? Is there a list somewhere? Seriously, I’m autistic – you can’t just give me a few emotional conditions I should shoot for. I need blow-by-blow explanations of how this works.

    • Hey Stephen

      Thanks for the questions. I’m not sure I can answer them the way you want, but I’ll take a stab at it. I’m going to work on a couple of posts over the next couple of weeks to try to address some of this. I hear what you are saying and I’ll work on it.

      Also, for the record, as far as not knowing the rules, symbols, mechanisms and procedures – I think there are a whole lot of people who don’t. We generally aren’t taught any of this as guys growing up.

  8. Pingback: Does Confidence In Christ Help With Women? | More Than Don't Have Sex

  9. I know it’s 2016, but I have found your website recently. I appreciate your articles. They are thoughtful and well-written. Some articles challenged the way I think of God, singleness, and marriage.

    For example, the idea that God is withholding from me…not true at all. It really helped me to own my choices that have led to me being single. I tend to be selective because in the past, I would choose men who were mentally unstable, immature, and really, not a good fit for me at all. Not compatible.

    Other articles validated the struggle about how the church doesn’t know how to handle singles. There’s all this talk about “don’t have sex before marriage”. Those sermons don’t address the struggles of single men and women with loneliness, celibacy, and other issues. So reading your blog has been a wonderful breath of fresh air.

    I know most of these articles are geared towards men, but as a woman, I really felt heard, validated, and challenged. In fact, I’m strongly considering communicating to the pastors of my church that it would be great to have a sermon about singles…and yes, have that sermon even though most of the church is full of married couples. Fact is, they will be single again if their spouse dies, if they divorce or separate, or even if they have children and could benefit from guidance on single issues.

    Thank you and congratulations on your marriage!

    -Stephanie in her 30s

  10. I came across a post/sermon recently about single life as a gift at the blog Spiritual Friendship: https://spiritualfriendship.org/2015/11/04/the-gift-of-singleness/ The blog is run by a group of LGBTQ bloggers who are all Christians (many are Catholic, as am I), do not support same-sex marriage, and believe in celibacy outside of marriage for everyone. Most of it was all info I’ve heard before, but there were some unique points toward the end. I was wondering what you thought and if you might blog about it.

  11. Your blog posts are great. I first ran into this site by googling “Christian PUA” haha.

    One suggestion. Maybe you can have a list of “essential posts” arranged in a chronological or topical order. That would make it much easier for the newbie to sort through the posts. Sort of like a chronological or A-Z guide.

    A good example of this is http://succeedsocially.com/, which started out as a series of articles/blog posts but also has a book version of “best of” posts arranged in a logical order.

    – Sean in his 20s

    • Hey Sean

      Thanks for the thought. And the link. I need to reorganize this whole thing frankly. Perhaps over the holiday season I’ll have some space to do it. But I like the idea a lot. So thanks for that!

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