My name is Justin – Thanks for stopping by.
So here is the story. Nearly 10 year ago I had a conversation with some of my pastors about singleness. I was in my late 30’s and single. I had started to see some things differently and I had seen how the church had failed singles. They listened and liked what I had to say. The next singles event they had they invited me to help lead it. The response was overwhelmingly positive.
People were asking me for resources and I had none. Another pastor friend of mine suggested, more like implored me, to write about it. So this blog as born.
As I wrote I also researched. What started out as a few ideas grew into a lot more. Over the years I’ve gotten to speak, lead retreats and of course had many discussions here. For 8 years I’ve written exclusively about singleness and the church here at the blog. Nearly 250 posts.
In the last year (2020) I’ve started writing about more than singleness. I feel as if I’ve said a lot about singleness and I’ll still write some about that. I was single until I was 41 and it is very important. All of the posts will be here. But I also feel that we live in a crucial time in the American church and for men. I want to help us think about many things.
This blog has been and will continue to be open to all to read. But it is written by a man with men in mind. I don’t claim to speak from any other perspective. I’ve been a man, now both single and married, in full time ministry for two decades and at times I’ve been accused of having wisdom worth sharing. I hope you’ll find some of that here. If not – feel free to disagree, but keep it civil.
Thanks for visiting and reading.
More Than Don't Have Sex 
Hey Justin! Our church (The Crossing) did a you+ series (you + being single, married, divorced, etc.) …this (link below) was probably the best message and probably the most information I’ve heard about being single in church…it was so interesting, I wish I had heard it way back in, I don’t know, elementary school! I happen to be married, but, It will definitely be a way I raise my kids letting them know that it’s ok to be single…our society puts so much pressure on marriage, which in turn puts stress on dating, and you’re right about the church not knowing what to do about (at least the one I used to attend)…it was never addressed, but I think if it’s talked about, it will even help children and teens know that Jesus comes first and like you said if marriage happens, great, if not, great
…this message was great; I liked that it even addressed the marrieds and singles together too http://www.wcrossing.org/default.aspx?page=3699&item=160
I will have to listen to this. I love your thought about what we tell kids. It’s huge and a part that I hadn’t thought about when I started the blog. You are the second parent to bring that up. It’s a great point and one I need to think on more.
Justin-
I just stumbled on your blogspot because I was searching for some wisdom (and having exhausted Proverbs…) on a dating situation with a “Godly” man. You are spot on, however with the fact that the church does an incredible job with the married population because, in my opinion, it is comfortable. Right? It IS comfortable. And then…there are those single people…what to do with them…?
I like your perspective and I feel the same way…that when I get married again (because I too, have done it ALL wrong)…it will be right. Keep on bloggin’.
dea
ohmygoodness!! Where have you been? So glad to “hear” a voice of reason in this arena! I’m thankful you are sharing your experience and shining light among the most unreached people group both in and out of the church walls!
Ha – Thanks Jenny. Mostly where I’ve been is out screwing most of it up so I can talk about it now. 🙂
Hi Justin,
I really like what you have to say about singleness. I found my way here after reading your article on Single Roots. I always thought I’d be a full-time journalist, married with kids by the age of 25…until God turned my life around and upside down. Now I’m 35, a full-time missionary and you guessed it, single with no kids. I LOVE my life and calling, but sometimes it comes as a shock to realise that those childhood dreams are still yet to be realized. I gave up a budding career to answer the call and have given my prime ‘child-bearing’ years to fulfilling it…I’d like to think my Adam is out there looking for me, just waiting to leave his life and cleave unto me once he finds me..but hope deferred..and all the while my arms ache to hold a baby – not a sister’s baby, or a friend’s or a relatives, but a child of my own.
Selah.
How does the Church deal with singles like me? They don’t – I don’t fit the mould or fall into a particular category…but I have hope that one day She will find a way to ‘real talk’ and listen more than try to give all the answers.
feelin’ ya.
Thanks for putting up this blog. Anger, resentment, bitterness, and heartbreak brought me here. After reading some of the blogs, apparently so did arrogance, entitlement, and self-righteousness. (LOL) Another friend of mine announced her recent engagement (the 5th one in a year- you tend to feel a little like “ummm yay God..??…:-/ lol) while I am still dealing with (yet another) broken heart. Seems like things just arent ever gonna work out for me. But Im grateful that you’ve put the mirror up to me and posed those questions. I am not entitled, and I’ll never be good enough for a “blessing” such as a husband. Im truly the stage where Im at a sacrifice. I do not want to live a single life, I have a son and a daughter who also really want a dad in their life, but I must be willing to accept it if that’s what He has for us, and learn to be content. I refuse to put even this desire above God anymore, its why Im probably in the predicament Im in now. Im 32, and I’m trying to put a brave face on but in the end… all I can say is “this sucks”, and keep moving forward. Sure, we have Biblical examples of older folks waiting on their blessing, but we live in a culture of now, so I can only pray that my faith grows as strong like those folks who were “ok” with being so old and having to wait so long. Truth is, Im not there yet. I dont wanna be a 100 year old bride, so sue me (LOL- I have to have a sense of humor otherwise I’d go bonkers over this) So please keep this going, and please keep those like me in prayer cus this is not easy. But Im grateful to have been humbled so that I can be re-aligned in Christ with the right perspective. It helps.
Thanks for the encouragement Rebekah. I’m familiar with all those feelings. Ha.
Thank you for a fresh voice on being single. I returned to church last November after a 20+ years of mistakes. As a 46 year old single, it is difficult to sit alone in church but what I receive in return, being there praising God overcomes my discomfort. But it is sad how isolating it is at times. I thank The Lord everyday for pulling me back, but I wish for greater fellowship and inclusion.
Thanks for the encouragement Betty. And let me encourage you. The church needs you. Don’t quit on it.
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. You make a lot of good points! Here is a blog post you may enjoy. I loved what it had to say!
http://www.christenacleveland.com/2013/12/singled-out/
I’m so glad that your articles also mention the call to celibacy. For me, I think the worst parts about being single in church are that everyone assumes your singleness is something you want to change, and also that abstinence is almost never mentioned outside of the context of “waiting for the one”. Once you get past the ripe old age of say, 23, you’re on your own as far as that goes. It’s so bizarre to me that in a belief system where the Founder of our faith never married, as well as the apostle Paul (who wrote like half the New Testament), who advocated for singleness unapologetically, that we seem to have so much contempt for the state of singleness.
I’ve been single for much of my life. I’ve also been lonely for much of my life. From an early age it’s almost ingrained in your mind, go to school, get a job, get married, have babies. I was always a socially awkward kid, still am. After high school, and even after college I had trouble getting dates, being taken advantage of by women that saw my weakness. I’m 36 now, and I’m always going to feel somethings wrong with me because I’m single. Their are no classes on being single in church. I’ve even lost friends because they all got married and started families. Now I’m the creepy guy no one wants to talk to. I absolutely hate Valentine’s day because all this love and emotions are being rubbed in my face every year. How can I love others as God wants me to if I can’t and all likelihood will never understand love in the context of being single? I use to worship the idea of marriage but as bitterness and loneliness crept in my heart I’ve come to accept my fate that I will probably be single the rest of my life. I just need to know how to serve God even though I’m single, without resentment toward everyone else. Being single has taught me an unnatural amount of selfish, and self centeredness. I recognize this as a foothold in my life, but I don’t know how to overcome it. The church either can’t, or won’t help me because I’m a lost demograph, I’m single. I don’t mean to sound weepy, but acknowledging their is a problem is always the first step. So what do we do about it?
Hello Justin, just found your site and have been reading some of the posts and replies. I’m writing this in August of 2020, and I haven’t seen (or perhaps noticed) any recently dated postings or replies, so I hope you’re still out there.
I’m really appreciating this site. Thoughts are tumbling over each other in my mind, and I don’t really know what to respond to first. All I will say right now is that I’m female, 51 years old, and it’s been only in the past 5 years or so that I’ve accepted my singleness and actually found contentment that I never had in my life before. Interestingly, this has run concurrently with pretty much ceasing to attend church -for all the same reasons I’ve seen discussed on this site. Thank you for acknowledging and talking about it!
I’m now going to go to a few topics and post some replies…
Thanks again for all of this.