Should You Pray For A Spouse?

One of the things I did a lot as a single person is pray for a spouse.  That took a lot of different forms.  Sometimes it was simple and relaxed.  Other times it took the form of crying out (read begging) for God to bring me The One.  Often when I really thought someone could be the one it was praying for God to “make it happen”, sometimes before I’d even been on a date (that hurts a little to type – Ha!).

But over and over again for years, it never happened.  God didn’t “answer” my prayer.

This really begs two different types of questions.  First, should we, and if so how should we, pray about gaining a spouse.  Second, why is it that God doesn’t seem to answer this prayer or as I like to say, why doesn’t God just “poof” us a spouse.

Before I give my feeble attempt to answer those two questions (the first one in this post and the latter in an upcoming post), let me remind us of a few things that we need to clear out of the way.  Platitudes that we know aren’t true and that I’ve debunked here before.  Those include but are not limited to: There is not a Christian Soulmate; God does not owe you a spouse; God is not holding out on you; God Has Not Changed His plan for marriage; It might not be God’s fault; and You don’t earn a spouse.

Ok, now let’s get to it.

First of all, I think it is absolutely a great thing to pray for a spouse.  Why would you not take your desire to God.  You don’t need to try to kill that desire (ignore the whole “it’s when you don’t want it it will happen thing” – that is sort of good advice if it means, don’t be desperate, but pretending you don’t want something is called avoidance, not dealing with it).

We need to take our heart to God.  But I think how we pray can really help us here.  Let’s get very practical.  Here are some things I’d encourage in prayer about a spouse.

  • Avoid praying for THE ONE as there isn’t the one.  This also decreases the pressure when you do meet someone and makes hearing God less pressurized as well.  Maybe pray of A One or something like that.
  • Pray for wisdom and discernment.  “God show me what to do and who to pursue further.  God show me what you want me to do.  Do you like this relationship?” etc.
  • Submit to God.  This was huge for me.  I finally quit praying for a spouse.  I took a step back and said, “God, I’ll do whatever you want (You’ll probably need to at least mostly mean that), Just tell me what to do”.
  • Understand that there are different forces at work.  So pray for protection.  Both in searching for a spouse and also for protection of your heart, mind and will from spiritual attack.
  • Pray for God to show you (through others, directly, or in any way) the things that you are doing wrong in this process. “God show me my sin,”or maybe “God show me where you are working on me right now.”
  • Also ask God to show you lies you are believing.  Lies about Him, yourself, the opposite sex, marriage, singleness – you name it.  Ask Him to help you not believe them.
  • Ask Him to heal wounds that you have in this area.

This seems like a lot of prayer.  But I think too often we get wrapped up in the wrong prayers.  We pray for The One because we’ve made marriage an idol.  Or we pray for a particular One because we’ve made that person an idol.  We might pray for a spouse and not pray for anything else – therefore essentially basing our whole prayer life with God on finding another person.  I’ve done all of those things.

Finally as we pray we need to be willing to hear anything.  We need to be willing to hear yes or no.  I think a big part of what makes listening to God hard is that we are afraid of what He will say.  What if God wants me to marry a person I’m not attracted to?  What if He wants to me to remain celibate for life?  What if He calls me out on a sin?  What if He tells me not to marry this person I really want to?  It’s the old, “What if God calls me to move to Africa” fear.

But here’s the thing; If we aren’t fully submitted to Him, it will  be hard first to hear and secondly to trust what we hear as coming from Him.  This is of course true of all prayer not just prayer in this area of our lives.  But it can be especially true in areas of prayer, including this one, where we have a high emotional involvement.  It can border on anguish sometimes, and I want to acknowledge that if that’s where you are at, but we can’t stay there.

In summary, we should absolutely pray about this area of our life.  We should do it in submission to God, while at the same time avoiding false submission sounding platitudes and being open and honest with God.  Heck maybe the starting point could be, “God, right now I want what I want.  Help me to step back and be submitted to you.  That’s what I want, to do what you want.  Help me do that.” Then go from there.

You Should Do More, You Just Can’t Be In Charge

One of the things that always bothers me is when we assume single people should do more ministry.  This sort of thought process happens all the time for several reasons.

It comes from the pulpit because pastors either misunderstand or misuse what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7.  Without going into too much depth here as I’ve written extensively about this, Paul is not saying if you are not yet married that you are therefore not distracted and able to be a better, more focused Christian.  He is instead saying if you are not distracted by a desire to get married, it could be that you have the gift/calling of celibacy and that would be a good thing.

But this is where this gets really ironic is that the same people telling you to “take advantage of your singleness” in ministry don’t want you to actually lead the ministry.  Perhaps what they really mean, is that while they can, they want to take advantage of your singleness.

You see it’s fine if you want to serve in the nursery or maybe the youth, on the worship team, set up and tear down, and in the rare church you might even be able to lead a small group.

But, if you want to be a pastor or elder, better think again.

Most places won’t explicitly say it.  Which in my opinion is sort of cowardice.  But there are those who will say it.  And honestly while I completely disagree, at least they come out in the open.

What’s interesting with most of these folks is that they don’t claim it’s completely biblical, it’s instead mostly biblical.  Haha.  Seriously.  Follow along.

Al Mohler reasons that pastors should be married because of the logic of scripture and the centrality of marriage.

For the logic of Scripture he points to 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9  which both essentially state that the elder must be above reproach, the husband of one wife and manage his own household well etc.

But another point of logic here might say that the person who is writing these instructions is . . . wait for it. . . not married.

In Mohler’s version of the Kingdom, marriage is central.  This is true of many of our churches, not just him.  He’s just saying it out loud so to speak.  But the problem is that marriage is not central to the biblical kingdom*.  Marriage is from God.  And if you are not called to celibacy, then by all means you should pursue it.  Paul says it, if you are distracted with that drive, which almost all of us are, then go get married.  It’s natural and good.  But it’s not for everyone and even many of the folks who long for marriage won’t attain it.

Here’s another problem with the “logic” (which I still question if any seminaries actually teach logic).  What happens if you hire the pastor and two years later his spouse dies.  Can he still be your pastor?  Is there a time table on remarriage?  That’s just one of a bunch of examples I could list.

Also he drops the “logic” that all the relationships inside the church will be more natural if the leader(s) is married.  In other words, how can you be an example to all the married men or lead the single men to marriage or minster to married people if you’re not married.  That makes sense.  It seems to me by this “logic” that I’ve never been 50 so I probably can’t minister to those over 50.  I’m not rich so it would be hard to minister to rich folks.  I’m not poor so the poor are out.  Basically I should only do ministry with white middle class people younger than me.  That’s an interesting plan.

But the main reason folks don’t want single pastors is because we all know that no man can overcome or control in any way his sexual desire.

Mark Driscoll writes as much in a blog responding to an email question that literally asks, “Does God still call men with the gift of singleness into pastoral ministry?

Driscoll answer is no, well sometimes, but it won’t go well, or they all die. . . Haha.  I mean this guy is something.

First Driscoll points out that Paul and Jesus were single but they both lived hard lives and died.  Because of course married people don’t live hard lives and die?  Ummm.

Secondly he of course quotes the same verses that Mohler does.

But he goes further – he says that much of what he learned as a pastor he learned as a husband and father, which I don’t doubt (although it gives me some pause with his style). But the catch here is that he was never actually single.  He got married at 21.  Of course he learned it after he was married.

But he goes really big on this idea that a single pastor couldn’t possibly with stand today’s sexual temptations.  He states:

I have known only a few single men who were pastors, and the majority of them disqualified themselves morally.  I know thousands and thousands of pastors and only one is a single pastor who has not disqualified himself and has a church that is healthy and growing.

Wow, just wow.  First, there are many ways to be disqualified.  Ahem.  Also we’ve seen plenty of married pastors be “disqualified”.  Third, you do not know thousands and thousands of married pastors that have a church that is healthy and growing.  I could go at this all day.

Both of these folks admit that they can’t really say that a single person biblically can’t be a pastor.  It’s just that they can’t be.

This is all so bad.

It just completely eliminates a whole lot of people, completely dishonors those called to celibate service in the Kingdom, is completely confusing to young men trying to find their calling, and honestly just continues to send us to back to the cycle where the church is for the people with a current nuclear family.

 

* Marriage is becoming less central in the secular culture as well.

A Single Christmas Blessing

So it’s the Christmas season.  I love this time of year.  But as I’ve written about before it can for sure be a weird time for the single Christian.

First, this is the time of year that the Church seems to double down on it’s Family idol. After all, this is the time where all the Easter and Christmas “Christian” families come to church.  It’s time to invite your neighbor, who we will wrongly assume is living in married bliss, to church.  It’s time to make sure that the whole nuclear family is involved and celebrated.

It’s also time to face all of the relatives that want to know why we are still single.  The best part is half of them probably are struggling in their marriage.  But I digress.  It’s still tough.

It’s the time where you as the single person are expected to do the traveling.  You leave your home to go to the home of your parent for to the siblings that have the kids house. I never minded in the sense of I knew it was right.  I wanted to be with family and kids should be at their place or the grandparents for Christmas.  No doubt.  But still. . . It would be nice to do Christmas at home.

And even though you love your nieces and nephews, they aren’t your kids.  Which is fine when you are 25 but can hurt some when you are 35.  There’s just this part of you that almost feels tired.  Maybe even sad.

I used to not really do much for Christmas with my house.  Then when I got older  I just decided to go for it even by myself.  Tree, lights outside on the house, whole nine yards. I’m glad I did.  But there is something lonely about the tree and you.

New Years is a whole other ball game.  If you’re young, dating someone or even sort of dating someone, or can get at date of any kind . . . it can be fun.  Maybe you meet up with friends and go out.  I had some great New Years single.  Watched a lot of football.  Haha. I remember one year me and my roommate didn’t leave the house for about three days. All football.

But again, as the years go by, it’s tougher.

People will tell you that it’s not better with a family.  Sometimes that might be true.  But that’s mostly B.S.  I can tell you now on the other side of it, married with a  kid, it’s better with a family.  It just is.

I’ve written some other posts on this in the past with practical thoughts.  I’ll link them at the bottom.

But really what I want to say is this.  God bless you this Christmas season.  God sees it all. He sees you leave your house locked up and dark to go to your brothers.  He sees you engage you nephews and nieces.  He sees you love them in special ways.  He sees you get on the floor and play.

He sees you calmly handle the questions of grandparents.  He sees you love your parents who really are glad you are there.  He sees you alone with your tree late at night.  And He sees you wish you had a permanent New Years Eve Date.

You may feel alone, left out or tired this Christmas season.  But you’re not.  Really Christmas isn’t about the nuclear family.  It encompasses it, but it isn’t about it.  It’s about a God who put on flesh.  Who came for you and me.  Who came and was born in a cave with animals, no extended family in attendance.

Jesus came and changed the whole world.  He opened the Kingdom to everybody.  Not yet married, married, divorced, widowed, parents, kids, rich, poor, sick and healthy.  He came so no one would be left out.  I’m sorry for when the Church doesn’t get that.  But God does. You might skip the family centric Christmas service, but God isn’t skipping over you.

You are not left out of the real Christmas.  I know that could sound cheesy, but you know I don’t mean it that way.  It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that the hurt doesn’t matter. Really it means it does.  Jesus came for that.

Someday we’ll celebrate this day all together.  The dinner table will be filled with the best food and the seats will be filled by all the people in the Kingdom.  No one will fill tired, left out, or hurt.  May you know that you are not left out of that!

Merry Christmas!

 

Former Christmas Blogs

Dealing with family on the holidays

Christmas Tips For Singles

Can You Be Disqualified From Celibacy

One day a few years ago I was meeting with a pastor, who was perhaps in his late twenties, to discuss a singleness talk that I was going to be doing at his church.  We talked about many of the things that we discuss here on this site.  As the discussion turned to celibacy it took a bit of a different turn.

He shared that part of his story was that even though he was married he thought there was a good chance that he was originally gifted/called to ministry from the context of celibacy.  Now he was not complaining in any way about his wife.  In fact he has a good wife and a good marriage.  That wasn’t his point in sharing.  He had two points really.

The first was that when he was growing up, he never understood that celibacy was an option or something to be called to.  But later on as he learned about it he began to ask God if he might be called to it.  Just knowing him a little I wasn’t surprised by that.

He said that he flat out asked God in several ways and that looking back, God answered in every way that he was indeed called to that.

But this guy had already had sex. (Not while he was a pastor, but previously in his teenage and college years).  As he met with some elder men they agreed with his original calling to celibacy but warned him that it would be much harder because of all the sexual experience he had already had.  In the end they advised that he go ahead and marry and he agreed and did so.**

There is a lot of important questions that this raises.  It raises some questions that frankly I don’t have perfect answers to.  However I think it is worth some discussion and thought.

Before we dive in all the way, let’s first say this.  We need to raise our kids in the church knowing that celibate ministry is an option.  We just have to start talking about this.  Not only do we need to talk about it with the 30 year old guy but really with the 13 year old guy.  We need this to be a normal dialogue in the church.  Parents need to talk about it. Youth leaders need to talk about it.  Pastors need to talk about it.

We need to share that there are indeed two paths to pursue.  Doing this well would completely change the game.  I’m going to come back to this soon and talk about why that is and give some thoughts on how to set that up from a practical stand point.

But today I want to raise a different question.  That is: Can you be disqualified from celibacy?

Let’s remember that celibacy is not just living a pure life until you get married.  That’s called chastity.  Really we are all called to live a chaste life.  Celibacy means that I have the calling and/or gifting to live a life and serve God from an unmarried context.  Ideally it’s a vow just like a wedding vow, but to God and not another person.  I’ve talked about the different ways we get there here.

But the question is, what if you’ve already had sex.  Or even; what if you’ve already done a bunch of sexual things or been wrapped up in porn or other activities.  Are you then disqualified from pursuing a life of celibacy for the Kingdom?  Do you have to get married instead?****

This could happen all sorts of different ways.  You could become a Christian after you have already lived a life in which you had sex.  You could be a Christian thinking you were going to get married and slip up and have sex.  There are many examples.

Here is my take.  That’s all it is.  My take.

I don’t think that your past necessarily disqualifies you from a present or future calling.  I do think it can affect it.

I’ve written before that regardless of your past you are not disqualified from marriage.  In fact I went further and fully believe that it doesn’t even disqualify you from who you marry. In other words, just because you’ve had sex doesn’t mean you have to marry someone who has also had sex and so on.  If we repent of our sin and fight to live out of God’s forgiveness then His grace is bigger than all of that.

I believe the same holds true for the call to celibacy.  Your past does not disqualify you from that call.

Now that doesn’t mean that it won’t be tough.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t face some unique challenges as we grow out of our past and into our calling.  Paul is also clear; if you are can’t go without – get married.  But if you are called and/or gifted in that way, you can lead that life – with Jesus.

I’ll say more about this in a future post about celibacy but one thing to keep in mind is that marriage and celibacy do have some things in common.  They are both a calling and a choice.  And regardless of calling the choice isn’t made just once.  This is vital.  A married person has to choose to honor his vows.  Over and over again.  The same holds true for a celibate man.  We are all faced with temptation.  We are all faced with our past.  While both are a one time vow, both require deciding over and over honoring that vow.

I’d love to hear what you think?  I’d especially love to hear from those readers who are called to celibacy.  I know there are some.

 

** I’m not suggesting that my pastor friend or his elders were wrong.  Marriage at that point may well have been the right answer for him.  But I don’t think it should be assumed for everyone in that spot.

**** One caveat needs to be said here.  If you are married, even if you were called to celibacy at some point, you are now called to honor your marriage vows.  God will still use you.  No one who is married should get divorced claiming a new found calling to celibacy.

Is Getting Married In God’s Hands?

I recently received an email from a reader asking some questions about a particular situation.  I won’t go into the details but one of the things she said was that she was trying to leave the situation in God’s hands.  This is similar to some things I’ve talked about before but I want to revisit this idea.

This message of waiting for God to bring me the one or that God will bring the right one at the right time is super problematic if not wrong entirely.  And yet it comes from everywhere.  I remember once sitting in church and hearing the pastor in a marriage sermon say that he knew there were frustrated singles because God had not brought them the person yet.

It’s used often as a spiritual platitude spoken to singles as well as by singles themselves.  Especially women.

It’s extremely shaky.

How do people get there?  Well there are some good and bad internal motivations.

A few good motivations

  • Some people are trying to honor God as sovereign over everything.  They don’t want to take false credit or assume they know the answers.  Fair enough.
  • Some are trying to have a submissive attitude towards God.  “God I want this or that, but Your will first, not mine”.  A great starting point for any endeavor.
  • Some have been so over focussed and have had marriage as an idol that they are trying to avoid that by giving it up.
  • A lot of pastors and married folks are trying to be encouraging.  Truly.  They don’t see how they really got married other than a gift and they just know that God wants to gift their friends in the right time.
  • An effort to defeat the myth that you earn a spouse from God – which is important because you don’t.

Here are a few bad motivations

  • We don’t like dealing with rejection so if it’s all on God then it’s not on me
  • We don’t like dealing with our insecurities so again it’s not on me
  • We don’t like dealing with our sin and shortcomings.  It’s not me God it’s You
  • We are scared crapless and this way I don’t have to face the fear of acting
  • We have completely over spiritualized the whole thing to the point that any action seems like it would be to take matters into our own hands and not allow for God to move..

These are just a few examples of how we arrive at the “When God wills it then I’ll get married” sayings.

None of this is actually helpful if you are over 25 and single.

We don’t do this with anything else we do.  Not anything that we really care about anyway.

We shouldn’t do it with ministry.   God will bring the people He wants to our church.  We don’t have to ask anybody or market ourselves or serve the community.  We’ll just build a building and hope some people show up.  We don’t have to talk to them when they do.  If they are meant to be here, then they’ll come back.  No church planter I’ve ever known goes at it that way. (I’m sure some do – and the planting is short lived).

We don’t do this when we seek employment.  I see a job opening at this great company I want to work for.  I think I’m qualified.  But I won’t apply or send them a resume.  I won’t work to get an interview.  I’ll just pray and if I’m supposed to have that job, I’m sure they’ll offer it to me.

We know this won’t work in any other area of our personal life.  I need to lose 10 pounds.  No need to work out or eat better.  Just pray about it.  After all if God wants me to be 10 pounds lighter He will make it happen.

I could do this all day.  Literally.  All. Day.

But for some reason, including the ones above, we’ve turned singleness and marriage into something that is basically akin to who gets in to heaven in terms of spiritual consequence.

Look, God has given us some guidelines.  We should have qualifiers for sure.  I’m not saying just go get married to whomever.  But we have to act.  Just like any other part of life.

In fact, and catch this (let those that have ears. . . ); It is in the acting that our faith is proven.  Whatever you believe theologically about God’s sovereignty, that sovereignty should be a launching pad not a hiding place.  It’s exactly because He is over everything that we can act in faith.  So by all means – act.

In fact, God’s will is mostly done by God’s people. So we need to do it with God.  But we need to do it.  That’s the whole point!  He wants us to do it all with Him.  But He wants us to do it.

Over and over we need to submit our desires, heck our whole being, to God.  We place ourselves in His hands and then we act out of that.  He grows us along the way.  Again that is His whole plan.

Now the question becomes what does that action look like?  That’s a great question.  I’ve written a lot about that for the guys here but in the coming weeks I’ll have a post for guys and one for the gals on what I think it means to act.

The bottom line for today: We should put ourselves in God’s hands. While there we should face our fears, insecurities, weaknesses and sins, as we act boldly to help advance the Kingdom that we know bringing – singleness, dating and marriage included.

Marriage Isn’t What Makes You Holy

This is my final post in response to Al Mohler’s words about the “sin” of delayed marriage. As I’ve said before, I’m not really singling Mohler out other than that I think his words represent a lot of what Christian leaders think and teach.**  We’ve discussed the nuclear family idol of the Church already, but I want to talk about a part of that idol that is often left out.

Mohler sets this up by basically saying that you are made an adult by getting married and if you wait too long (however long that is) you are going to make it tougher.  He states:

Delaying marriage until the late 20s or beyond often allows a person to develop unhealthy lifestyle patterns that become difficult to break once he or she is married, Mohler said.

“The corruption of delay, the injury that comes by delay, is multiple,” Mohler said.

“If we claim for ourselves, either as men or as women, the right to define ourselves as adults who will get married when we get to it, we’re defining ourselves in pretty specific terms. Let me be clear: The longer you wait to get married, the more habits and lifestyle patterns you will have that will be difficult to handle in marriage.”

Now remember, I’m for marriage.  I’m for getting married sooner than later if you are called to it.  But this crosses the line in several ways.

First, the statistics don’t back this up at all.  In fact the divorce rate of people getting married after 25 and with a college education is ridiculously lower than if you get married younger.  I’m not saying you can’t get married younger but the reality is that our culture has changed.  We’ve lengthened adolescence.  The delay of marriage is both a cause and a result of that, but we have to be careful here and deal with the current reality.

But the bigger issue here is the idea that we can’t be mature if we aren’t married.  The way this usually gets talked about is the idea that Marriage Makes You Holy®.

This is the bell that evangelicals have been ringing lately.  Marriage is hard.  Marriage is not about making you happy it’s about making you holy.  Which is sort of true . . . sort of.

This talking point creates all sorts of weird dichotomies.  Let’s look at the messages we are receiving.  It goes something like this:

Marriage is really hard.  But you should hurry up and get married.  You are able to focus more on Jesus and be less distracted as a single person.  But marriage is how you become more holy.  You need to be a man and get married.  But being married makes you a real man.

Confused yet?

Here’s the thing: Regardless of your marital status you are called to holiness.  We are called to grow and that includes the proverbial “growing up”.  But marriage doesn’t guarantee that. There are lots of immature married people.  For sure there are lots of spiritually immature and unholy married people.  Marriage itself doesn’t make you holy.  Jesus will if you walk with Him.

You see marriage isn’t the answer or the problem.  We’re the problem. Our sin is the problem.  Jesus is the answer.  The context of marriage can indeed lead us to deal with our sins and wounds if we let it.  But if I’m single, I need to deal with those same things, and you know what? –  You can. Right now.

People always told me when I was single that one of the things they learned when they got married was how selfish they were.  But what’s funny about that is that they were already selfish.  They didn’t become selfish when they got married, they just didn’t deal with it until they got married.

In some ways it was an advantage for me when I got married later in that I already knew I was a sinner.  I didn’t need a wife to show me that.  Now I do see it in some new ways to be sure.  But you can’t sit around and wait to get married to deal with sin.  That’s a terrible idea.  And you don’t have to.  You can deal with your sin now.

We don’t need to fear marriage and we need to quit underselling it.  Telling a bunch of people who aren’t getting married how hard marriage is seems to me to be sort of counter productive.  Marriage is good and can be fun.  It actually can make you happier.  I’m happier.

God can indeed use marriage to make you more holy if you let Him.  But He can, and wants to, use your singleness to do the same thing.  God always, every single day, wants to grow us to be more holy.  Regardless of context.

When we count on marriage in and of itself to do that we are adding to the idolization of it.

 

 

**Recently someone has suggested (on social media) that I am unnecessarily picking on Mohler.  They have suggested that Mohler doesn’t actually believe what I’ve attributed to him.  First, I want to be clear that I have nothing personal against Mohler.  However, I in no way feel that I have misrepresented him here.  I have for sure not misquoted or even taken his quotes out of context in any way.  If he doesn’t believe it, then he should think about how he says it.  I think he does believe it, as do most evangelical leaders – not out of malice or ill intent – but out of modern evangelical tradition on the subject of marriage of which I was once beholden to as well.  Their premise is wrong to begin with in this area and it’s killing us.  What they are doing is not working.  At all.

Get Out Of The Friend Zone

friendzone

When I was an teenager in school, one of the things that I heard constantly from girls that I wanted to date was something to the effect of, “You’re a great guy, but I just see you as a friend.”  In other words over and over again, I entered what has become known as the friend zone.

This is a terrible place to be.  We get there a whole lot of different ways.  When I was younger, (at least in my experience)  there were some times when I really was friends with the girl before I decided I wanted to date her.  But as you get older this is less likely.

Many guys when they like a woman start being really nice to her.  We go out and try to meet her needs, help her out with anything she wants, buy her considerate gifts etc.  I once bought a girl a birthday present that I wasn’t even dating.  I was a 30 year old man.  WTH was I thinking?  I liked her.  I should do nice stuff for her right?  Yikes!

Many guys think that this is a way to get in with a woman.  Rather than ask her out, I’ll simply get to know her as a friend.  After all, this is way less threatening.  The idea is to be safe and a friend first.  But this is a terrible strategy and frankly it’s intellectually dishonest anyway.  Friending someone in order to get them to like you is manipulation just as much as any of the “evil” dating game moves.  Just way less effective.

The funny thing is, women know all of this. Some of them are even mad about it.  I saw a blog (which I can’t seem to find or I’d link it) where the women were basically saying, “There is no friend zone.  Guys shouldn’t be mad about this.  You could be my friend or not.  But if I tell you that I don’t want to date you and want to be just friends, take a hint.  I don’t want to date you.”

When a woman says I see you as a friend, 9 times out of 10 it means they don’t want to hang out.  And if they do, it’s for some other reason other than being interested.

So the question is, how do you get the heck out of this cycle.  I want to offer a few frank suggestions.  Some of you won’t like them.  That’s fine.  Do you man, but don’t whine about it.

Stop Using This As Strategy

Just stop!  Now!.  Stop trying to get a woman to like you by being her friend.  Stop it.  And most of all, stop being self righteous about it.  I’m a nice guy and I want to be friends with the girl first.  I care about her and if I can be friends with her with the hope of more, so be it.

It’s totally ridiculous, completely dishonest and chicken.  It’s hiding what you really want behind the guise of platonic friendship or worse in the church – ministering to her.  Ugh that makes me want to vomit.  It won’t help her.  It for sure does not help you.  And it won’t end up with you together.

Quit Agreeing To It

If you want to date someone and they say that they want to be just friends, just say no. Stop feeling like you have some sort of responsibility to be friends with every girl you’ve been on a date with.

A few years ago I went on a few dates with a gal and I actually thought we had some real chemistry.  But when I called her after a date she didn’t call me back.  Now by this point in my life I had learned that there was always someone else and I just sort of moved on.

About three months later she called me.  I was sort of in shock to be honest.  I had written the whole thing off. We were sort of chit chatting and I said, “Look, I enjoyed our dates and I’d be willing to go out again and see where it goes.  I’m totally open to that.”  She then said, I kid you not, “Well I’m not really interested in that, but I thought we could be friends.”

After laughing, I said, “Look, we are friends in the sense that we like each other as people, but I don’t have time to just hang out.  I have friends.  I’m looking for a wife.”

Change Your Mentality

In high school I was always the “friend”.  But when I went to college I made a conscious commitment.  I was not going to seek out girls as friends.  Now this didn’t mean that I had no female friends.  But I was not going to be “that” guy.  And you know what happened?  I had a lot of dates.  Most of them went no where.  In an ironic twist my best female friend in college by far was girl who I met on a date.  We both decided it wasn’t going anywhere.  But you know what? She respected me and our friendship because she knew I wasn’t “just a friend”.

This leads to my final point:

Get Out Of Any Friend Zone Relationships Now

If you are friend zoned with someone, just end it.  Stop being a buddy to the girl you want to date.  It takes way too much of your time, energy, thought life, and heart.  It’s unhealthy, keeps you from pursing other women, and it’s not going to suddenly change.  You’re worth more and frankly so is she.  Move on.

People have asked me, how do I get our of the friend zone with this particular person.  My answer every time is simple.  Just stop doing it.  Walk away.  In a sense, break up.  It is the only way.  There’s an outside chance (extremely remote) that it might eventually make you more attractive to her but that can’t even be the goal.  Move on.  Just do it brother.  It’s not complicated.  Do you want her respect or her acceptance?

Do what it takes.  If that means switching community groups do it.  If it means taking her number out of phone or de-freinding her on FB, do it.  If it means not talking to her at all, do it.  Whatever it takes.  Do it and do it now.  You don’t owe her or anyone else the self flagellation.  You really don’t.

Picture from Coloring From Grown Ups