The last couple of posts we have been talking about the difference between attraction and desire and whether or not sexual desire is a sin. To sum up the second question we noted that indeed many of our desires come from a sinful heart and therefore we often desire sinful things. However it what we do with these desires that determine if we sin or not.
So the question is, if I have a sinful desire (as we all do) then what do I do with it? In other words if acting on a sinful desire coming from a sinful place leads to sin – how do I not act on it, and what do I do with it instead.
The first thing that I want to clarify is: what does acting on desire mean?
In my last post I posed the thought that sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing. I believe this it true in general by the way. In other words attraction of any kind is not the same as desire of the same kind.
The question that follows though is this: Is sexual desire for someone other than your heterosexual spouse a sin?
So there’s a new song out by Marshmallow and Anne-Marie (No I had not heard of them either) called Friends. It’s all over pop radio right now. The song and video encapsulate what we call the Friend zone. In fact it is often called the Friend Zone Anthem.
Now I’ve written extensively about the friend zone and avoiding it here at the blog for years. (Some posts are linked below). But I haven’t written on it in a while and I know that there are a lot of people, especially younger guys, who find themselves in these situations.
Carrie Underwood accidentally stirred the the twitter pot recently when in an interview with Redbook she said that at 35 she may have missed her chance to have a big family. This was of course one answer to one question in the interview but people jumped on it.
Now Carrie wasn’t trying to say that no one over 35 can have a kid. She also went on to say that they have talked about adoption and they do a lot to help kids which she enjoys. But that wasn’t good enough for many who insist that there are no limits to fertility.
I bring this up because I think we need to be honest about where our culture is at. Especially as we navigate singleness, marriage and children.
The other day while driving I was listening to some Dave Ramsey. In case you’re not familiar, briefly, Dave wants people to live biblically with their money, meaning stay out of debt, control your money instead of letting it control you and be generous along the way.
He has a radio show and people call in with all kinds of scenarios asking his advice. Very rarely do I ever see Dave not have an answer. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen it . . . until the other day.
A young never married guy called in and said, “Hey Dave, I’m following your plan. No debt, I have a budget etc. I’m not married but I want to be. Here’s my question, how much should I budget for that pursuit?”
One thing about Dave is that he’s always honest with people and he just laughed and said, “I have not been in that world for so long, I have no idea.” After both he and the caller laughed a little, he did toss out a couple of thoughts, but it made me think of a couple of important ideas and some practical ones if you find yourself in that position.
Over the last three posts we’ve been talking about Servant Leading, what serving has to do with attraction, and the fact that in marriage the man is the head which has many responsibilities including loving (serving and leading would be a part of doing that well). You may want to read those before you dive in here.
Today I want to talk about as a single man, knowing the previous thoughts, how should that affect how you go about things in terms of dating and looking for a wife. There are at least two parts here: How we prepare ourselves and who we seek to marry.
In my last post I began talking about this idea of being a servant leader that we toss around in Christian circles. I’m not going to rehash all of that here. You might start by reading that post. Today I want to talk about the servant part and in another post I’ll talk about the leadership side.
I want to clarify a couple of things quickly. I’m not suggesting here that we shouldn’t serve people. Not at all. We often should. Again, Jesus served. He called us to serve others. What I’m suggesting that serving and leadership are not the same and our motive for serving matters.
Jesus did not serve in order to gain followers. He didn’t serve to earn relationships. The reason Jesus is the greatest servant is because he didn’t have to serve at all and yet chose to. Not only that, but He gave the ultimate service in dying for us. Jesus served His followers. But again He didn’t serve to get followers.