One of the Myths of Singleness is the idea that if you are content in your singleness that you will then somehow find someone to marry. I don’t how many times someone has told me things like, “I wasn’t looking and then I met my wife” or, “stop focussing on it and then it will happen”, or my favorite, “when you are content in your singleness, then God will send you someone.”
Now there’s an underlying truth here that is good – and I’m going to get that – but on the surface this is kind of ridiculous. And it is even worse when it comes from married people – so marrieds should pay attention here as well.
Now there would be nothing wrong with being content in singleness. It is ok to be single and sometimes God calls us to singleness. This can be for life as a second vow – in other words you make a vow to walk with God and then you give your life to ministry – as a priest, nun, single pastor, or lay single person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Paul talks about it. For many years (as in over a thousand) this was seen as a higher calling than marriage in the Church. But if you are called to it then you are not looking to find a spouse – you have vowed to not get married. You can also be called to be single for a season. Sometimes God calls us to certain things for certain times. (It would be good by the way to ask God about this stuff – don’t ask if you have the “gift of singleness” but more “God are you calling me to be single?” or, “Do you want me to get married?” Those are brave prayers in our Christian culture but worth asking).
But striving to be content in order to be ready or good enough to find a spouse is not good. First of all it’s a little dishonest. If I’m trying to become content so that I can get married then I’m not really content. Secondly what about every person who gets married early in life without really entering singleness – were they content in singleness first? I’m gonna say no.
Now here’s the underlying truth that many of these people are getting at. When you are working on who you are as a person (which we all should be) and focussed on following Jesus and becoming who He has made us to be, then guess what – you are way more confident, comfortable, and attractive to the opposite sex. This is a good thing. If we are focussed on finding someone to marry or constantly letting that impact every decision we make, it can begin to control us – which makes us desperate, needy, and unfocussed on the Lord. That is of course unattractive and gets in the way.
But we have to be careful of the “I’m not going to look” line of thinking. It can lead to at least two dangers. First we can just shut down rather than actually working on our own lives. In other words it can be an excuse to hide from real reasons we are single. Second it can cause to grow cold and not pay attention to people around us that might be potential spouses – kind of a self protection plan gone wrong.
What we need to do is work on finding our identity in Jesus regardless of marital status. As a bonus (not as the goal) it makes us way, way more attractive.
More Than Don't Have Sex 
“Content” is the loaded word. If “content” means you are at peace with God while in a particular circumstance, then that is always a good thing. But true peace with God has little to do with circumstances, and everything to do with your relationship with God. Remember, Paul had learned to be content with a little or a lot.
However, if “content” means “satisfied,” then I would suggest that we should never be content or statisfied on this side of Heaven. That’s because being at peace with God means that we are always growing closer to Him, always growing in our knowledge of Him, and always growing in our conformity to Him. And “growth” implies and requires movement and change.
I once said
oops.
I once said, “I’m pretty content with where I am with God right now.” Let me assure you, at that time in my life I had no business being content about that.
One more thing. When we say, “If I am only content with my singleness, God will then give me a spouse,” we are back to the “earning” or “deserving” a spouse from God. I think Justin made a clear case that we can’t do that.
Preach it!
My favorite “singleness myth” came from a well meaning, Christ-following, person who gave me the unsolicited advice that I “must not want to be married enough and I needed to pray harder.” Luckily I have a pretty good filter from my brain to my mouth and ended up smiling and nodding.
The second to the last paragraph – “But we have to be careful…” is really good, and not very often addressed!
Wow so that’s like the opposite of the content advice. It’s like, just want it more and it will happen. Ha!
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Good stuff. I hate this sort of “advice.”
A lot of married couples will tell you that they found their spouse once they “learned contentment” and “stopped looking.” Some of these couples seem to think that they figured out the “Formula.” Of course, the Bible doesn’t mention these strange ideas anywhere.
If you’re single, you hear people pontificate to you about “contentment” all the time. In Philippians 4:12, when Paul reminds us to be content in whatever state we’re in, he’s referring to our ultimate contentment in God. There’s no requirement to force ourselves to be happy about every situation. Having and expressing the desire doesn’t make you weak. Admitting and expressing frustration and loneliness doesn’t make you weak.
A lot of times, singles will feel lonely in their situation. That’s fine. We can’t help that. But we can also feel guilty for being lonely because as Christians we have things to be thankful for and we’re often presented with the message that all the good Christians must be “content.” We’re also sometimes told that we have to be “content” before God will bless us with romantic love. This is a popular idea in modern church culture, but we’re not required to be completely satisfied with life, whether we’re married or single. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. We don’t have to repress our emotions or pretend that these situations make us happy. Nor do we have to pretend that these desires are unimportant to us. It’s OK to feel and express sadness and loneliness. We’re not going to disappoint God for feeling emotions that we can’t control anyway.
Ideas like this imply that your “season” of singleness will end once we learn to properly exercise contentment. Apparently all the married couples somehow mastered this, and reached some pinnacle of contentment that God approved of and rewarded accordingly. As if we can use a formula and reverse psychology to convince God to give us the thing we want. Sometimes married couples will tell you that their story went like this, that God “blessed” them with a spouse once they stopped “idolizing” marriage, or once they “stopped looking.” Or once they “learned to be content.” Cool story. As if that’s some sort of universal rule. The Bible doesn’t mention this weird idea anywhere.
And it is a weird idea, isn’t it? “Be content….in order to get the thing that you want, realy, really badly.” Huh?
If I’m unemployed, am I going to find a job once I “stop looking”?
Also, Paul talked about people who were “discontent” with being single in 1 Corinthinas 7. He did say that he wished these people were single (or had the gift he did), but Paul didn’t shame these people or lecture them about being “more content.” He urged those believers to get married. To take action. Not change their emotional state or whatever.
If you want love/marriage/sex badly, well, you can’t make yourself “stop” wanting those things. What a silly idea. You’re not being “worldly” or sinful just by expressing desires for things like these. If Christians were able to repress or ignore these desires, why would any Christian ever marry?
Many Christians are passive about love because of ideas like these. I’m sure many of these people, as a direct result, never find anyone to marry, and get angry with God, or assume that God wants them to be single against their will. It does have its dangers.