When I was in high school and college, one of the things that I battled with constantly was the idea that I wasn’t “good enough”. I battled this in almost every area of my life. I saw myself as decent, but not great at pretty much everything. The things that I did care about (sports for example) I worked my tail off to become great. But I never saw myself as arriving at greatness.
Nowhere was this more true than with the opposite sex. I was constantly in the friend zone with the girls that I liked. I thought I was physically not attractive enough. Later I thought I wasn’t making enough money. The list goes on. One of my go to thoughts was, “I’m just not good enough.”
In my last few posts I’ve been talking about how we publicly shame men, even the good ones, from the pulpit and on the internet. Note that I’m talking here about how Christian men shame other men. This doesn’t include all the other people doing it.
Before I say any more, I want to say that I’m not bringing all this up to play some sort of men are the victim card. I’m mainly bringing it up because it’s not effective in any way. Frankly its part of the reason guys don’t go to church. (There are other reasons, but that’s for a different day).
Today I want to venture deeper into the other side of this whole deal. How does the way that Christian men call out good men impact Christian women. While I’ll touch on some ways it affects marriages, my main focus will be for the unmarried.
I’ve shared a lot of things on here about what I’ve seen done wrong in how we talk to/about men – single and married. Let me share about one of the best events I’ve ever been to and why it stood out.
A group held a special event a couple of years ago in a community near me. They hosted a “Father’s Night”. They invited the people from the community to come to the school auditorium to honor some fathers from the community. They first had three very different speakers talk about fatherhood and what it means. Then, get this, they actually honored some fathers with fatherhood awards.
The other day I saw a post on social media as a message to married men. This message was in line with most Christian messaging to men that I’ve seen over and over. The basic message of most of these types of posts are:
You will know how well you are loving your wife by how she feels (does she feel loved, supported, empowered etc)
You are to be a servant leader not a manipulator or ruler. In other words you’re not in charge.
Be willing to be wrong even if you’re not really wrong. Her truth is the best truth.
Selective reading of Ephesians 5 focusing on how you should love your wife (which is correct however that’s not all that Ephesians 5 says).
Have you ever as a single person had an event happen to you where you realized just how on your own you really are? What I mean is, have you had that moment when you realized, what happens if _______ happens to me?
It can be simple things. I remember one weekend when I was leading a singles conference we were talking about advantages and disadvantages of being married vs. being unmarried. One lady gave a practical example of a disadvantage. She said, “if for example my car breaks down. Who do I call? If you’re married, your spouse might be able to say to their boss, ‘My spouse’s car is broken down, would it be alright if I took an hour and went and got them?’. But that probably isn’t going to work for any other relationship.”
Let me give you one that sort of got my attention. I was in my early thirties. Single, no relationship. This particular day I started feeling pain in my abdominal area. I thought, no big deal. A little indigestion. But it got worse. I went to the gas station to get some gas and thought I’d grab a Sprite. I could barely get out of the car as I was so doubled over.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about whether or not a single person who is looking for a spouse should budget money for that search. You can read that post here.
Today I want to talk about handling money in general as a single person. I’d like to share some thoughts that I wish more people would have spoken into my life. The truth is a lot of unmarried people, especially younger folks, don’t get a lot of help with this area of life. I’ve often said that if there was one aspect of my over 20 years of adult singleness that I would live differently that it would be how I handled my money.
So there’s a new song out by Marshmallow and Anne-Marie (No I had not heard of them either) called Friends. It’s all over pop radio right now. The song and video encapsulate what we call the Friend zone. In fact it is often called the Friend Zone Anthem.
Now I’ve written extensively about the friend zone and avoiding it here at the blog for years. (Some posts are linked below). But I haven’t written on it in a while and I know that there are a lot of people, especially younger guys, who find themselves in these situations.