Several years ago I really liked this girl. She was beautiful, successful, smart, fun, liked Jesus – whole 9 yards. I had met her at a conference I was speaking at but she lived a few states away. We talked and I got her number, called her and oddly enough had a trip planned to her state already – so I asked her if while I was there if we could go out. She said yes and we had a great time. We kept talking on the phone and I said I wanted to see her again if she would like to. She said she would like that and we set up another time for me to come visit her. Now let me ask you a question – did she at least kind of like me? I’m thinking yes. So I should just go make it happen right? But I didn’t know how.
I went down and we had an ok time but there was no spark. I was in my head the whole time. To be honest I didn’t get that she could like me. I mean what did I have to offer her – she made more money than me, lived in a better place, had a great family – all of it. When she dropped me off at the airport her eyes said it all. Not that it kept me from calling her more and trying to get her to like me etc.
One day as we were talking on the phone (she was pretty gracious to talk to me at this point) she literally said, “I wanted to like you – but I just didn’t”. She went on to say attraction just happens and she didn’t feel it.
It was a turning point in my life and here’s why. I finally realized that I was the problem. For so long, really going all the way back to high school, I had always thought that it was my looks, or the money I made, or the job I had, or whatever that made me unattractive to certain girls I liked. But this girl messed all that up. She had everything, knew all that about me and still “wanted to like me”. None of that had mattered. Not my looks, money etc. None of it. It was something else.
I always just thought, “I can’t ever get the girl that I really like”. This happens all the time. When it counts, we guys choke. When we as guys really like a girl we often fall into this weird state where we quit being ourselves, quit leading, and start being a wuss. We are afraid and we go into impress her mode, or get her to like me mode. This of course does just the opposite. Women end up perplexed by it as well. “I wanted to like him, he was nice (good, loved Jesus etc) but I just didn’t feel it.”
One of the reasons that we are single is that men don’t understand female attraction at all. We misinterpret all sorts of things growing up and we end up lost in this area. We have almost no guidance here. To be honest, I think in Christian circles this is even more confusing. We are just clueless. Even most guys who attract women don’t realize why – or at least not the real reasons.
Female attraction does not work the same way that male attraction does. This is actually good news for us guys, but only if we can get some sort of handle on it. Unless we do, we are going to keep failing, sometimes even if we get married, because we will keep thinking the wrong way and doing the wrong things.
Learning about marriage is important and many church communities, as well as books, do a great job of teaching on this. But it isn’t much good if we don’t help guys figure out how to get married. Much, much more to come on this.
Guys, how are you around women you like? Ladies, have you ever had a guy you wanted to like but didn’t?
I have seen this happen with my twin sister in high school. And, from my perspective, when it would happen to her – it was usually that she felt smothered. I am sure there are MANY things that could cause the attraction not to happen. But sometimes these really great guys were SO eager that she felt pushed too much. My husband and I met when I was just 15. If he had said right away, “I really like you” – which he did – I would have run for the hills. This may be different when people are older, I’m not sure. But one of the things that my husband did was that he didn’t rush or push me. He didn’t force his feelings on me. He let me continue in that “friendship” state until I finally realized that i liked this guy. Even when I said, “Can you believe my friend said that YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEND!?!?!? I don’t have a boyfriend!” He said, “NO! That is CRAZY!” And just thought to himself, “She’ll come around, she’ll come around.”
As a woman who ended up making more money than my husband – I think I can say, from my perspective at least, that women don’t think about that nearly as much as men do. So I hope that guys wouldn’t feel like they have nothing to offer just because a woman makes more money than they do.
I also think that attraction can happen over time – it may not be an immediate thing – but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t happen eventually. I wasn’t immediately attracted to my husband when we first met – our relationship and love developed over months because he was patient and continued to pursue me in a way that didn’t wig me out. 🙂 A man who is a godly leader, who is full of the Holy Spirit, who is like Christ, who is responsible, generous, selfless, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, loving, etc… is VERY ATTRACTIVE to godly women! Once we are married – all of us want a husband like that!
I love reading your posts!
He did like me – sorry for the confusing sentence! He didn’t tell me that he liked me at first. Smart guy!
Just found your blog through Single Roots, and I’m enjoying it!
This totally just happened to me–I recently started dating a guy I’ve been casual friends with for more than 10 years. I was very hopeful that he might be “the one” (if there is such a thing …). But I had to end it–he’s a great guy who has many qualities that will make him a great husband and father, but I just didn’t “like” him. Even now, I feel shallow for admitting that. And I think you hit it on the head when you said, “When we as guys really like a girl we often fall into this weird state where we quit being ourselves, quit leading, and start being a wuss. We are afraid and we go into impress her mode, or get her to like me mode.” I feel like that’s what he did–we went to the movies I wanted to see, ate at the restaurants I liked, and did the activities I suggested. I wanted him to take the lead in the relationship, and I think he was too afraid of scaring me off … which he ended up doing!
I firmly believe that attraction can develop over time, but if it wasn’t there for me after knowing him for 10 years and dating him for several weeks, I don’t think it was going to come.
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