I once chased a girl 2000 miles. Yup you read that right. Here’s the super short version. There was this girl I really liked. She was a strong Christian and I was totally taken with her. We communicated some and then she moved 2000 miles away. She cut off communication and I showed up in her town a month later. She was of course shocked but she met me and we went to dinner. She asked why I was there, and I said, “Because I want you to know that you are worth coming 2000 miles for”. She was moved by that, and I went on to share more.
The next day we went to a great show and then had coffee. She said she felt the need to respond, which I agreed would be good, Ha. She said, “No one has ever come 2000 miles for me. But I’m just not there.”
I’ve told this story in many contexts and I’m always amazed at how many women say, “If someone would do that for me, I would be in.” You know what I tell them? I say, “No, actually what you mean is if the guy who you want to come 2000 miles for you did it, you would be in.”
As I’ve talked about before, we as guys have about zero understanding of what is attractive to women. We latch on to various misinterpretations and then try too hard to fulfill them. We think if we are nice enough, or cool enough, or strong enough etc that we will be attractive. We also hear women talk about what they want and we think we understand but we don’t. This is especially true in Christian circles as I’ll come to in a second.
Gentlemen, time to pay attention.
Women say all sorts of things. They might say for example that they want a guy who is: a true gentleman, a good communicator, in touch with his feelings, is strong, is passionate, is sensitive etc. But that is not exactly what they mean.
David DeAngelo gets it right when he says, “The REALITY is that when a woman says one of these “I want a guy who” statements, she actually has an IDEAL guy in mind, who ALSO happens to be a one of these things”
In other words she wants someone who she is attracted to who also has this or that quality. And guess what – it is no different for Christian women. When a woman says, “I want a guy who is in love with Jesus” or “who will lead our family”, or “who has passion for the church”, what she means is “I want a guy who I’m attracted to who also has those qualities.”
Let that settle in men. If you don’t get this you will constantly be beating your head against the wall. You’ll keep trying all the wrong things. You’ll continue to be frustrated as you watch women choose to marry people who are not as strong in those areas and you’ll wonder what the heck just happened. You’ll keep getting, “He’s a great guy. . . I just don’t know”
Look, you can be as solid a believer as you can be but if you don’t know how to pursue/interact/attract women then it probably isn’t going to matter.
Now some guys get this and instead have a commitment problem (as promised more on this later), but there are a whole lot of us who struggle with this. Typically no one, and certainly not the church, helps out. The first step is realizing that if I’m in my late 20s or older and single not by choice or calling – chances are I might be misunderstanding attraction.
Just flip it around fellas. Let’s be honest, when you think about the woman you want to end up with you think about certain qualities but it assumes you are attracted. This is just reality. So when you are filling out your online profile and say you want a “proverbs 31 woman” (which by the way if you are putting that in your profile that is a sign you definitely don’t get it) what you really mean is you want a woman who you are physically attracted to who also has those qualities. You aren’t looking for just any woman who has those qualities. Guess what, same thing for the ladies, only it doesn’t have as much to do with appearance.
The point is – attraction matters and if you don’t accept that as fact then you are going to miss it. No one I know has married someone they weren’t attracted to. Being “christian” enough, or really any other “enoughs”, isn’t going to change that. The good news is that even though you can’t make someone attracted to you, you can work on becoming more attractive.