One of the worst places you can be on a date is that moment when the girl says, “what are we doing?” and the guy says, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” I know because I’ve been there and done that. When you go on a date, especially initially, it’s good to have a plan, or at the very least, have an opinion.
But let’s back up a step. I think it’s actually helpful to have a plan when meeting women. Now I don’t mean be a robot or be completely controlling. But I think that as a guy, having a plan, or set of plans is helpful. Having some options in your mind for things to say when you meet someone is good.
A lot of guys have a hard time approaching women. I’ve talked about approaching women and developing dating skills in the past. But the common theme in those previous posts is that having a game plan is good.
When I was online dating after a while I realized is that sense you never knew who would communicate back, it was good to have some sort of system or you’d be sitting there all day. So I developed a three or four email plan. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t send the exact same email to everyone. But I had the exact same principles.
Comment on what they wrote, ask two fun/light questions. In the second email ask another series of questions including a set of either/or questions. In the third email ask a fun question and deeper one. Fourth email ask to talk live. (Gentlemen – for free – women like questions – makes you seem interesting and interested at the same time – that’s for free).
When I was talking to my wife early on she would make fun of it. She’d say stuff like, “is this part of your system?” She could tell I had one. The best part was from the very first date, she went about trying to bust the system. It was awesome.
Am I saying you need a system to approach women? Yeah sort of. Especially if you are uncomfortable doing it. I’m not saying you should plan every moment and interaction out in your head. I’m not telling you to over think it. (If you are 30 and single – you’ve already over thought it – lots of times). I’m saying that as a guy, when you have a bit of a plan that you trust, when you “know what you are doing”, it gives you confidence and you can go from there. If you have a plan – you don’t have to over think it – you just do it.
Here’s a non dating example. I’ve spoken in front people my whole life. Literally hundreds of times in front of many thousands of people. Now part of it is that I have a gift of speaking and teaching. But part of it early on was I worked my tail off in preparation. I studied what I would teach and I practiced. I would stand in my living room and give the talk over and over.
When I got to the actual talk, I owned it frontwards and backwards. That enabled me the freedom to handle anything that happened that night without getting flustered or thrown off track. It enabled me when sharing God’s word to be able to listen to His leading as I talked and flex with what was going on in the room.
I’m not suggesting being rigid. Think of football. You have a playbook. You game plan all week. When you get to the game you call plays based on what is given to you. Once the play starts you execute as best you can and then you just play ball. But without plays it all falls apart. You don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best. Bad teams either have a bad plan, or they never change based on what is given to them that day. Or both. What I’m saying is the better you game plan, the freer you are to react.
Here’s the kicker. You know what having a plan really is? It’s called leadership, and leadership actually works. With women pursuit is part of it (going to her) but part of it has to be invitation. But you can’t invite her if you aren’t going anywhere.
By the way this is why if you let the girl become the goal you are screwed. Women don’t want to be the goal. They want to join you on the journey.
Having a plan and practicing creates confidence. It helps you know what works for you and what doesn’t. I’m not saying that you should make dating a game. But attraction matters. Confidence is attractive. That is fact – like it or not. And as a guy, having a plan and knowing what we are doing creates confidence.
Here’s what I know doesn’t work. Doing the same things that don’t work over and over. Being scared when you approach a woman you like because you don’t know what to say. Hoping that even though you never work on getting better at it that God will somehow magically make it happen.
Do you feel confident approaching someone? Do you know what to do when you do have a date? What would it mean to work on that?