Last week I shared that a lot of our bitterness comes from the fact that we are mad at God. We also often get mad at the opposite sex. Here’s the reality – rejection hurts and there’s only so many reactions you can have to that. What can happen is over time we end up kind of mad at the opposite sex in general. This doesn’t mean that we are mad at every person of that gender who we know. That certainly isn’t usually the case. But we can begin to have an attitude that can cost us.
Every guy is asking if they are a man, if they are successful, if they have what it takes. What often happens is we end up taking this question to the woman. What I mean is that if I’m asking in my life if I am a “man” when I ask a girl out, I’m often taking that question to her. Now she doesn’t actually know that, and it’s completely unfair to ask her to answer it, but inside, mostly subconsciously, that is what we are doing. So when she says no, she’s not just saying, “No I don’t want to go out with you”, we are also hearing, “You aren’t man enough (good enough, successful enough, strong enough, or other enoughs).”
Most guys are fighting against failure. And we often use women as the grade card. This is a really bad idea.
First of all, whether you are single, married or whatever, if you as a man are going to have your date, lady of interest, or even your wife as a grade card, let me go ahead and give you your grade right now. You fail. You can not ace the date, boyfriend, husband test. It’s not going to happen. If you get your identity from that you are screwed.
Typically when we “fail” we respond in one of several ways. All of which are bad when it comes to being single.
One way we respond is to keep trying harder. When it comes to pursuing women its a disaster. I’ve already talked about it but you do not want to chase the girl. It makes her a goal instead of a person. Additionally, being try hard is not attractive and won’t make her like you. You can’t talk her into it.
Sometimes guys also just decide that women aren’t going to like them and just quit trying. This is no good either. Just because you fail with one person doesn’t mean you can’t ask someone else. It may mean I need to look at what I might be doing wrong but constantly beating myself up (next weeks post) doesn’t help at all.
A third reaction is to be mad at the her or women in general. This is where we automatically think all of the bad things about her. We say that she likes the wrong guys or that she just doesn’t get it. Maybe we judge her faith and assign all sorts of false reasons as to why she wasn’t attracted to us.
A woman is either attracted to you or she isn’t. If she isn’t attracted to you then what is she supposed to do? She doesn’t owe you attraction. She doesn’t owe you a date because your such a “Great Christian Guy”. You are not entitled to a date with anyone. It’s actually fairly ridiculous to be mad at someone who doesn’t want to date you. Making matters worse is that when you begin to have this attitude, you get even less attractive. It comes through in how we interact with women. They can feel it, trust me. They are extremely uncomfortable with the “angry” guy.
To be honest, most of the time when I’ve been mad at a woman or women for not liking me it’s pretty much a cop out. I might actually be mad at them but really I’m more mad at myself and God. It’s yet another way I can blame someone else for why I’m not with someone. “Women just don’t want good guys.” “Women are only interested in guys with (money, success, titles, etc).” “I’m just not good enough for her”. It’s Adam in the Garden, “It’s her fault.”
The truth is that “women” are not the problem or the reason I’m single. Thinking this way is a colossal waste of time and emotional energy.
We need to focus on us and God. I need to take my questions of worth and manhood to God. If I let Him answer those, an amazing thing happens – the woman is no longer my grade card. I’m free to pursue or not, free to invite instead of chase, and free to walk away if she isn’t interested. Which might just make her interested.
So have you been mad at women? Ladies how does this work from your angle? Have you blamed the opposite sex for your singleness?