Last week I shared that a lot of our bitterness comes from the fact that we are mad at God. We also often get mad at the opposite sex. Here’s the reality – rejection hurts and there’s only so many reactions you can have to that. What can happen is over time we end up kind of mad at the opposite sex in general. This doesn’t mean that we are mad at every person of that gender who we know. That certainly isn’t usually the case. But we can begin to have an attitude that can cost us.
Every guy is asking if they are a man, if they are successful, if they have what it takes. What often happens is we end up taking this question to the woman. What I mean is that if I’m asking in my life if I am a “man” when I ask a girl out, I’m often taking that question to her. Now she doesn’t actually know that, and it’s completely unfair to ask her to answer it, but inside, mostly subconsciously, that is what we are doing. So when she says no, she’s not just saying, “No I don’t want to go out with you”, we are also hearing, “You aren’t man enough (good enough, successful enough, strong enough, or other enoughs).”
Most guys are fighting against failure. And we often use women as the grade card. This is a really bad idea.
First of all, whether you are single, married or whatever, if you as a man are going to have your date, lady of interest, or even your wife as a grade card, let me go ahead and give you your grade right now. You fail. You can not ace the date, boyfriend, husband test. It’s not going to happen. If you get your identity from that you are screwed.
Typically when we “fail” we respond in one of several ways. All of which are bad when it comes to being single.
One way we respond is to keep trying harder. When it comes to pursuing women its a disaster. I’ve already talked about it but you do not want to chase the girl. It makes her a goal instead of a person. Additionally, being try hard is not attractive and won’t make her like you. You can’t talk her into it.
Sometimes guys also just decide that women aren’t going to like them and just quit trying. This is no good either. Just because you fail with one person doesn’t mean you can’t ask someone else. It may mean I need to look at what I might be doing wrong but constantly beating myself up (next weeks post) doesn’t help at all.
A third reaction is to be mad at the her or women in general. This is where we automatically think all of the bad things about her. We say that she likes the wrong guys or that she just doesn’t get it. Maybe we judge her faith and assign all sorts of false reasons as to why she wasn’t attracted to us.
A woman is either attracted to you or she isn’t. If she isn’t attracted to you then what is she supposed to do? She doesn’t owe you attraction. She doesn’t owe you a date because your such a “Great Christian Guy”. You are not entitled to a date with anyone. It’s actually fairly ridiculous to be mad at someone who doesn’t want to date you. Making matters worse is that when you begin to have this attitude, you get even less attractive. It comes through in how we interact with women. They can feel it, trust me. They are extremely uncomfortable with the “angry” guy.
To be honest, most of the time when I’ve been mad at a woman or women for not liking me it’s pretty much a cop out. I might actually be mad at them but really I’m more mad at myself and God. It’s yet another way I can blame someone else for why I’m not with someone. “Women just don’t want good guys.” “Women are only interested in guys with (money, success, titles, etc).” “I’m just not good enough for her”. It’s Adam in the Garden, “It’s her fault.”
The truth is that “women” are not the problem or the reason I’m single. Thinking this way is a colossal waste of time and emotional energy.
We need to focus on us and God. I need to take my questions of worth and manhood to God. If I let Him answer those, an amazing thing happens – the woman is no longer my grade card. I’m free to pursue or not, free to invite instead of chase, and free to walk away if she isn’t interested. Which might just make her interested.
So have you been mad at women? Ladies how does this work from your angle? Have you blamed the opposite sex for your singleness?
The guy isn’t necessarily the grade card, but someone we need to feel loved/wanted/cherished. I think a girl should write a peice like this as we all look for the “prince”. But it’s deeper than that. I don’t always try to be feminine, but I want the guy to want me as I am, with the plain t-shirt as with the dress… If they want to date me, I’m expecting them to make the first move, to want to be with and around me. Though I will be friends with everyone, if they won’t take the initiative, there’s no reason for me to overcome my fear of losing them.
you know, maybe that’s a lot closer to blaming the guy for not wanting me. But at the same time, why should I waste emotional and physical energy getting all dressed up for church or other events if they don’t even want to bother to ask?
But I think a real relationship starts with asking the right questions and communicating and being someone who asks and cares about the answer.
Some are deservedly mad at me 🙂
Reblogged this on Digital Jesus and commented:
I found out after reading this that I resonated with a lot of things Justin said. Such as chasing the girl or making myself feel like women aren’t going to like me so I stop trying. Really good article, really informative 🙂
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Have not blamed women in long, long while……yet we men are still being blamed for all the single Christian women out there; and we’re shamed for not asking them out, even after countless, countless rejections.
This link is by a Christian, there is nothing offensive in it btw 😉
Maybe it’s because we’re waiting on the Godly character, for me at least. And waiting on God’s timing and for ourselves to be ready for it, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially/life-preparedness. I think that’s a lot of my reasons, but sometimes other people may have differing reasons.
Okay, I get you. If that is the case then, there should be no more sermons to “man up” and ask women out. I can tell you 100% of marriages….even Christian ones, no one is prepared 100% or ready in all the above areas you mentioned. Not the men or the women.
Well unless there are some mediocre skills in all those areas, even if it’s not perfect, it can last, if they’re at 0%, vs 100%, or vice versa, then there is a slight problem.
True. I my journey in “the church” and online dating, I am just seeing a trend, and perhaps…I am the one who is deluded here.
I am seeing more and more that women just have to “show up” to church. Profess to be a Christian, and claim they follow Christ and they are assumed to be 100% ready for marriage, children, a second marriage, family and a husband and serious responsibilities.
Men are assumed to be a mess 100% of the time, and only “manning up” and growing up will fix them, and somehow…we’re not ready, we need God more than women do.
It’s just something I am noticing. I’ll leave it at that. Thank you for your reply.
Oh trust me, hardly ever the case, no woman, at least from my perspective, would be 100% ready… Honestly, IMHO, I’m not ready, but I know that once I am, I will figure things out in God’s time, and I will do things right. I think we learn quicker though, being that we naturally are readers and emotional beings, a sermon and the Spirit can sometimes lead us faster, but everything comes together in God’s time. Trusting Him takes more than our own strength and faith, it takes His faith.
I get you. His faith in me led me to clean up from a horrible drug addiction, because He saw something in me. It those things I sometimes do not remember enough. His time is hard to comprehend, and difficult for me to get a grasp on at times. I just get so terribly lonely at times. When church ends, Kingdom work slows down for a day or two…and I just feel like I am just keeping myself “busy” and that of course is not going to get me a date, a girlfriend or a wife….trying to figure out the balance; and yet I just witness so effortlessly the infamous “they” out there in church, or church related activities can just do this. Getting frustrated gets me nowhere, but what I am doing gets me frustrated……just driving sideways it feels like at times. Anyway. Thank you for your reply.
In the long run, honestly, “They” ususally end up worse off because they’re lonely and they didn’t do things right the first time, so they’er stuck in relationship or out of one. If we are mature, or at least mature enough to hold down a job and treat others with love, then the rest falls into place.
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You have some good insights, I’m gonna keep reading on more solutions within these post and comments!
A great post Justin.
I really can Blame the kind of women nowadays for so many of us good single men that really wanted to get married and have a family. Not single by choice either.
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Two big reasons I never married.
1. I’m disabled. Hard to find love or intimacy since few are able to find you attractive. Biology.
2. Not enough men. Even before age eighteen every youth group, conference, service camp, etc. had two or three girls for every boy.
Dumb biology; dumb math. Nobody’s fault really.
People worse off than me though. I have no right to complain.