This last weekend my fiancee and I were discussing our attempts to read Christian Fiction. First, what does that even mean exactly? Fiction written by Christians? Fiction about Christians? Is it always about white people living in the old west?
At any rate, one of the biggest genre is the Christian Romance Novel. So I decided to go to my favorite resource for books, Amazon. Wow! Ok, here we go. For starters apparently only Christians can write “religious fiction”. Anyone else I guess either never writes fiction or they just don’t get a section. Then we get to the breakdown of different types of “Christian Fiction”. There are 183 books under Biblical fiction 3700 books under historical fiction and . . . wait for it. . . almost 8000 books under Christian Romance.
Moving past the fact that most of these appear to be about Amish people let’s get to why I’m bringing this up. The Christian culture has been inundated with a false sense of romantic love.
It’s not really about the books which even most Christians don’t read. It’s about the fact that we play along with what the world says and just Christianize it. The world says that I have to have another person to be complete, that there is someone out there for you who is exactly right for you. We say, God has someone for you.
This reminds me of back when Christian rock was getting started. Here was the sell. “Hey man did you hear these guys? They are just like Metallica man – except Christian.” Really!?
One of the things that drives me the most crazy about all of this is we are never first. Never. Everything we do is a freaking reaction to what we see as “wrong” with culture. There’s hard rock music, let’s make a Christian version. There’s romance novels, let’s make a Christian version. Ahhhhh. The latest is of course, there’s online dating so let’s make a Christian version.
The truth is we should have thought of most of these first. But we didn’t. Worse though, most of the time “our” version isn’t as good, and we end up preaching mostly to the choir. The most effective way to make a difference as a Christian artist – don’t get labeled as one.
But here is my point today. We have invented what I call the “Myth Of The Christian Soulmate.”
It’s everywhere. Christian Mingle’s about section reads, “The ideal place for Christian men and women to find friends, dates, and even soulmates.” I can’t count the times in my 20 years of singleness that someone has said something to the effect of “God has someone for you” or “God just hasn’t brought you the one yet” or “Make sure you wait for “the one” God has – don’t settle”. What could be more paralyzing than that last one?
All of this is some sort of weird cross between romance novel, misplaced Calvinism, and what I call Help You Sleep At Night Theology. And it is no where in the Bible.
In an attempt to encourage the hurting and lonely, as well as be protective (and often controlling) of the flock, we end up giving platitudes that aren’t really helpful in the long run and just aren’t true.
There is nothing in the Bible about soulmates. Nothing. It is not there. There is nothing about how to find someone to marry. There are some, and I mean only some, principles for marriage and getting married. But there are no promises about God bringing you a spouse, let alone a perfect one.
The soulmate idea is bad for a lot of reasons. The idea that I’m incomplete without someone and if I just find this other person I will be whole. No person can fill that role. We need to be complete in Jesus. That doesn’t mean that because we have Jesus that we shouldn’t want a spouse. But a spouse (real or wanted) should not be put in the savior role.
It can make us mad at God. If He has my soulmate and hasn’t brought them to me, then it’s His fault. This is also a convenient way to avoid any responsibility what so ever. Perfect.
Finally, judging every encounter through the soulmate lens pressurizes the whole process. Some of us can never even get into a relationship at all because no one “meets” the soulmate criteria. Others think everyone they fall for is their soulmate and then when it doesn’t turn out they have to either try desperately to hang on or beat themselves up for “missing it.”
As I’ve said before, I believe that God can and does send people into our lives. But guess what, we get to choose what to do with that. And isn’t that what we want anyway? Isn’t it more romantic to be chosen than to be destined?
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The idea of soul mates is also still really dangerous when you do get married. It puts a lot fo pressure on your spouse to be perfectly compatible. Also, If you believe there is one soul mate out there for you and while your marriage is not going great you meet someone who seems like a wonderful fit, it would make it very easy to think you got it wrong the first time and do something stupid.
That’s exactly right Joanna. It can be just as bad or worse in a marriage. Thanks for that.
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Great post!
I write fiction for a hobby. Much of it’s spec. Some women’s fiction. The realistic kind.
A lot of famous 19th century novelists were Christian old maids. Louisa May Alcott. Sara Orne Jewett. Even Jane Austen. (If you read Austen’s novels carefully they are coming of age stories where young women decide to do the right thing and grow in the process. The marriage proposal is actually part of the falling action.)
I joined a Secret Sister group at one church. Made the mistake of saying I like to read. GOOD NOVELS I should have specified. Not “Matilda’s Dream”–the latest bonnet ripper–by Mabel Sugar.
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Your point about Christian romance novels is hilarious. Also, note how the covers of many these books tend to feature handsome-looking, well-dressed young men and beautiful-looking, well-dressed young women. They definitely imitate worldly romantic fiction in that sense, haha. I’ve always found that a little amusing.
I like your point about these ideas coming from well-meaning and well-intentioned people and places. When do we usually hear people talking about “soulmates” or “God’s timing” and other such Christianese clichés? In my experience, it’s when single Christians are expressing discouragement, uncertainty, frustration etc. about their unmet romantic desires, or about their unknown future when it comes to their romantic dreams. These clichés then come in handy. They seem like a simple, easy way to comfort them, without us having to give any practical advice or ask any hard questions. Understandable.
The idea of a “soulmate,” however, comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. The Bible nowhere mentions or even hints at such a concept. Jesus and Paul both talked about marriage and celibacy, but they never mentioned “soulmates.” If they existed, you’d think one of them might have mentioned it.
God doesn’t make Christians any promises about marriage. And, personally, I’m not what “God’s will” has to do with it.
When Paul talks about this (1 Corinthians 7), he writes that, if you’re single and struggle to control sexual desires, you should try to get married. In this case, the Bible encourages marriage. It does not, however, promise that it’ll work out for you if you do decide to pursue it. Paul does say that not everyone has the gift of singleness. But I’m sure that there’s many who lack this gift who, despite everything, still don’t find mates.
Also, in 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul writes that a widow is free “to be married to whom she wishes.” Doesn’t sound like Paul believed in “soulmates,” then. We generally accept that Paul wrote these epistles under divine inspiration. If it’s really “God’s plan” for you to marry one particular “soulmate,” well, it looks like God forgot to reveal that to Paul, apparently.
Marriages used to be the norm. Arranged marriages were pretty common in biblical times, and for a very long time in human history. With the advent of dating, well, there’s just so much more uncertainty, and so much more questioning of “God’s will” in it.
Who knows? Maybe God isn’t all that concerned with it. Maybe He just leaves the choice up to us, chance, and worldly circumstances.
Like you said, you’re not “incomplete” when you’re single, and marriage won’t “complete” you. As a single, you hear that a lot, and it can often be condescending, but there is truth to it. You can have a godly, healthy, and stable life as a single person. And, if you want to be an attractive dating/marriage prospect, you’re going to need that anyway. Besides, that’s a pretty weighty burden to place on another human being, to expect them to complete you and unleash your gifts, and full potential, or whatever.
And, like you said, this is often a way to avoid responsibility. Some of us might be single for bad reasons, not because of some divine Master Plan. Maybe we’re stuck in careers that are going nowhere. Maybe we’re coasting along in life and not really going anywhere. Maybe our finances are inadequate for a marriage or a family. Maybe we have bad social skills. Maybe we’re bad at talking to the opposite sex. Lots of people struggle with things like these, and they’ll require humility, learning, and hard work to overcome. Single you will be the married you, unless you make an effort to change for the better.
And, for sure, it’s definitely more romantic to be chosen. Choice plays a big role in romance, singleness, and dating. One of the reasons dating and marriage can be so thrilling is that someone evaluated you, found you worthy, and chose you, and their friends and family approved. I’ve never been married, but I’m sure that sort of thing must feel like quite the win. I’ve always wondered what that feels like. And one of the reasons unwanted singleness hurts so much is that because people evaluated you and decided not to pursue you. They may have good reasons, but that sort of thing will always hurt on some level, for sure.