The Danger Of Church Dating

One of the things that people used to ask me all the time about my “search” for a wife was something to the effect of, “Have you tried at Church?  I mean there are all sorts of women there.  Are you asking them out?”

What makes this an even better question in my case is that throughout my 30’s I attended a church of the hot chick.  In other words I attended a church in which there were lots of single people, many of whom were attractive.  In fact many people go there partly because of this.  I mean what better place to meet someone than a 2000 person church where singles are actually welcomed right?  Well sort of.

Here’s the thing about “Christian” dating – it’s never simple.  It’s a huge disadvantage really.

For starters, it can be hard to figure out the approach etiquette at church.  I mean the “talk to them in the lobby” thing has some value, but our lobby was small and the window to approach was short. But that is nothing compared to the mind games you have to play.

In the church as a guy, if you never approach anyone then you are obviously passive, and not a real Christian leader.  But if you approach too many people you are “that guy”.  And here’s the best part about that.  There are two “that guys”.  The one who approaches and gets shot down by everyone and the one who is successful in the approach but then decides he doesn’t want a second date (or third, or fourth, or doesn’t want to marry that girl).  In a hurry you become either the creeper or the player.  Welcome to dating in the church as a guy.

To top it off, you get to be called out by the pastor.  “Men just need to man up and initiate.” As someone in a class I was teaching a couple of weeks ago said, “You need to ‘man up’. But only once.” Truth!

Here’s the reality.  In our church culture, the church can be one of the least safe places to ask someone out.

Think about it.  If I go to a bar, for example, I approach a girl, she says no, I move on. There’s a good chance she won’t be there in a week.  Or I just go to a different bar if I want.  Grocery store, book store, mall, your waitress, and certainly online – all way safer. Less blowback and less expectations.  Heck the only thing more dangerous than church might be work. . . maybe.

There a lot of reasons for this.  I won’t even try to cover them all, but here are a few (I’ll have more to say about some of these later).

It starts with the general idea in evangelical culture that women are basically innocent and men are basically lustful or immature.  You don’t hear many sermons about it being time to woman up.  There is not space in this post to get into this but think about it for any length of time and you see it.

In church the expectation is marriage.  This isn’t all bad.  It should be the ultimate goal of dating.  But it shouldn’t be the goal of the first date.  If a guy approaches a woman, she shouldn’t have to answer if she wants to marry him, just if she wants coffee.  At the same time, for the love of all things, a few dates does not a marriage make.  No other context creates this type of pressure.

If it goes bad, you still have to go to church there.  In other words, I like my church.  If I ask someone out, she’ll still be there next week.  What if she says no?  What if she says yes? What if we kiss and then break up?  What if I then ask someone else out?  No matter what happens this is both people’s place of worship.

It only takes one scorn woman to mess with your reputation.  Choose wisely.

I know this much – I always hesitated to ask out anyone from church.

This needs to change.  Here are a few quick thoughts on how.

First off we need to get in our heads that both men and women are good and bad. Men need more than the three categories of creeper, player, and perfect.

Second men and women need to show each other this grace thing we all talk so much about.  I remember once I asked out this woman from church.  She said yes, and then changed her mind to no.  I was frustrated and we had a bit of a rough exchange. I then realized she was into someone else.  I walked up to her the next Sunday and simply said, “Hey, are we good?”  She said yes and you know what we were.  Revolutionary I know.

Third and maybe most important.  If the leaders of a church are going to tell men that they need to “man up”, then they better dang well have their back when they do.  The male leadership of the church need to be able to stand up to women, not just stand up for them.  I’ve been blessed to have seen this done well at my church several times.  It’s huge. There’s a time to call out both the creeper and the player, but there is also time to stand up for the guy and tell the woman to let it go.

What about you?  What would make the church a safer place to pursue women?  What is your church’s culture of dating?  Does it make you want to pursue or scare you off? How would you change it?

51 thoughts on “The Danger Of Church Dating

  1. Instead of saying man up, can we say Jesus up. I don’t know what someone else’s version of a man is. I only have my version. In our brokenness I don’t think we should look to an unclear undefined role. Jesus is the ultimate lover, though he never dated he still loved. Just a personal preference. Ty for your blog. I always enjoy it.

  2. Since my church is the antithesis of your “church of the hot chick,” it’s hard for me to relate. I tried various churches and came back to my current church because of the message taught. So I guess my first question is: do I have to settle for a church that doesn’t do a good job teaching the Bible to find other singles? I’ve found that the larger churches tend to do a poorer job at preaching God’s Word. They tell great stories, but that’s it.
    Then there are the women who week after week attend alone (or with the kids). There’s never another guy around except that sometimes she wears a ring and sometimes not. I’ve known married women who don’t wear a wedding ring. Talk about dangerous! Who wants to be known as the guy who hits on married women?
    Your third point hit the mark well. Ladies need to realize this and be willing to also be a positive influence on their single female counterparts.

  3. I’ve been thinking on this post since you made in Justin, and I’ve got a few thoughts but a few questions too!

    You present a very important viewpoint on church dating which is that there is a very fine line of middle ground when asking someone out without going to either extreme and being known as “that guy”. Likewise, women definitely need to be honest and straight forward with the subtle & indirect hints they give. If a lady quietly indicates to a guy she is available to be pursued, then by goodness she had better not turn down the guy when he actually initiates! Short of a biblical reason to decline him that is.

    First off, I’ve never been the guy who walks up to a lady I’ve never met before, strike up a conversation with the goal of getting her number to ask her out by the end of the day. I’ve either been too shy or felt that is too forward, too fast. Maybe this line of thinking is wrong, but I’ve always approached this situation by considering first just trying to getting introduced to a lady.

    The first exchange may be brief though not actually produce results. But it’d show her I’m confident, kind, and just normal. As you know, there is only one time to make a first impression! If I felt the first exchange was good, I’d want to make it a point to intentionally cross paths with her again the following week. Strike up a subsequent exchange with intent that it’s a bit longer and maybe a bit more personal. If that goes well maybe after the 3rd or 4th time if she seems welcoming to chatting again, then I’d want to ask her out for coffee or if I could assist her in some form of ministry in the church.

    Am I wrong in thinking along those lines? Focus on spending a bit more time showing interest in the lady. Making an effort to intentionally cross paths with her to develop a friendship footing before asking such a lady out on a date? Like you said, in church if a couple breaks up they still have to find a way to gracefully worship together and amongst other believers without awkwardness of a unsuccessful relationship.

    One thing you didn’t really mention in depth is that the more the interaction between two people progresses from early steps of getting to know each other up to actual dating to marry, heart strings grow in rapid succession. So that with each new heart string formed, means more pain and possible awkwardness in the event of a breakup. Are both people ready to form those heart strings and risk that turning into heartache?

    Also, what about older believers in the church acting as intermediaries for a man and woman to at least get introduced? Would that provide a bit of accountability for both individuals to not make un Christ like behaviors if a relationship doesn’t work out?

    I can honestly say you are spot on regarding the awkwardness that exists between individuals in the same church after a relationship ends. Years ago I moved halfway across the country to pursue a relationship towards marriage. After having attended the same church of ~1500 people, she ended the relationship. This made it very awkward to sit near, be near, or park in the same area as her, her immediate family, and or immediate close friends.

    Grace really does need to be given by both individuals in such situations.

    • Good points and questions, BW, and I hope Justin won’t mind me replying to your comment and saying that from a woman’s perspective, your approach is perfectly fine and respectable/respectful. If you were to walk up to a woman with whom you’ve never spoken before and ask her out, her first thoughts would likely be, “Uh…who the heck is this guy? And WHY is he asking me out?” If a man asked me out without talking to me first, I would be forced to assume that he was only asking me out because he thought I was pretty. After all, what does he know of me other than what I look like? Also, from a woman’s perspective, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking an older person to introduce you to someone of interest. Additionally, having an older couple to mentor the relationship along the way is also nice and communicates to a woman that you value her and your relationship with her. You’ve put a lot of thought into this process – best of luck!

      • Thanks for your reply Shannon! I find it invaluable to get a woman’s perspective most, if not all the time in this realm of life. Especially on this topic of ‘church dating’. It seems easier when a guy is outside the church and see’s women he might be attracted too, because most if not all of them can be excluded because of not being saved. Inside the church it’s definitely more difficult and they are sisters in Christ that share the same place of worship. So any advice to make that easier is always appreciated! 🙂

      • Shannon, I appreciate your perspective here. Perhaps you are the type of woman who wants some dialog with a man before he asks you out. I think it is important to point out that not all women are like this.

        I think this is why grace is so important and we have to be careful not to assume. You may not like a man immediately asking you out; but, some women love it. If you get asked out in the “direct” manner, don’t assume there is something wrong. A guy may have learned from past experience how effective a direct approach can be! 🙂

  4. The House of God is for Prayer and Worship…it is not a bar or any other type of pick up place. You are there for the wrong reasons…get your mind off of dating, get it on the Lord, be faithful to Him, and He will set a woman before you where you won’t have to play the guessing game!

    • I agree in part and disagree with the other premise. Yes, God’s house is for prayer and worship. It’s also where believers come together for fellowship (read the early chapters of Acts and Hebrews 10:25.)
      There’s a bad premise that goes like this: If I just “trust” in God He’ll give me what I want.
      God’s not a cosmic genie! He’s not going to sit there and answer to our every wish while we sit on our proverbial couch and do nothing.
      Read the book of Ruth. It’s not merely a love story, but it shows how people did things (mundane and not-so-mundane) while trusting in God.
      James calls our faith “dead” without action.

      • Exactly. I’m not suggesting you stop the girl in the middle of the church service. Yikes. What I mean by church is the church generally. Not so much Sunday. God may well put someone in front of you, but you still have to act.

      • My dear I am very familiar with the Book of Ruth!

        The House of God is still a place of Prayer & Worship! Not a dating place.

        No biblical character ever met their spouses inside the Temple of God…God directs them to each other by his Holy Spirit in other places.

        I don’t think any of them, particularly Jacob ever thought the way the Lord lead him to Rachel was a bad premise and that God didn’t give him what he wanted!

        You are right, God isn’t a cosmic genie, and I perceive that you do not know Him at all if you do not understand that a spouse fits into His Divine Will!

        Read Purpose & Destiny!__one-night/purpose-&-destiny

      • Again, you perceive that this person doesn’t know God because he doesn’t believe the way you do about God’s spousal provision.

        Show me the scripture where God promises a spouse. Paul didn’t have a spouse.

        Again, I need a job. Should I look for a job or just hope that God will bring me one? I should pray, I should count whatever job I end up in as God’s provision for that time, but I’d better send out some resumes.

      • We know God the Father as much as we know and obey His Word. We can tell where a person is in the Lord by their understanding of the Word of God!

        Babes will dwell on the milk and they see only what is directly in front of them. They lack wisdom, discernment and spiritual understanding…this is evident as soon as they open their mouths to speak.

        But we all grow at different paces…we grow in accordance with how much of the Word of God we eat on a daily basis. Every person is as close to God right now as they desire to be.

        Immaturity is revealed when someone argues a point that isn’t there, it is revealed when we interject our own insecurities into what someone has said or written instead of listening with a spiritual hear or the Spirit of God.

        Again, herein is wisdom…you will either listen to the Spirit of God or you will not…when a man/woman seeks a thing from the Lord…seek ye first the Lord then these “things” will be added unto you!

        Go to church because you Love God, because you desire Him, because you desire to hear “His” voice, because you want to worship Him; when you put him first above all things…He will guide you by His Holy Spirit.

        Otherwise, you can remain as unhappy and unfulfilled and frustrated and unproductive as you have been thus far, because obviously, from all of your testimonies…your way hasn’t worked so far!

        So try the way of wisdom, if ye are able.

      • Your so right. No one here has ever thought that if they seek God first, all the things will be added. Yikes. Give me a break.

        Again, there is no where in the Bible that God promises that I will have a spouse. You have no scriptural backing for that idea. All you are doing is spreading the same spiritual platitudes that keep people complacent and mad at God. It’s Oprah theology. Yes you should always seek God first. That is fact. But not so anything is added – you do it whether anything will be added or not – for HIm and Him alone. He is what fulfills us. He is what we seek.

        I’m not miserable. I’m not mad or unhappy. Your judgement is false because you start from a seat of judgement instead of understanding. I wasn’t miserable single, and I’m not miserable married. Your way is not working as evidenced by the gigantic leap in unmarried people over the last 40 years.

      • I have no idea what you said, none of it is in reference to what I just wrote, as previously stated… speaking from a place of anger and insecurity that has nothing to do with what I just said…insecurity and immaturity!

        Okay, have a nice day, Thanksgiving, and enjoy your life. 🙂

      • I’m not angry at all. I do get fired up at spiritual platitudes which is exactly what you are offering.

        Here’s the thing. If you wanted to argue that we should seek God and not worry about whether or not we get married, that is a fair argument. But to say that if we seek God we will get married is not.

        Secondly, you are making all kinds of personal judgements about me and other posters including our maturity etc, primarily because we don’t agree with your theological take on finding a spouse. No where has anyone judged your spiritual maturity or place with Jesus. They are disagreeing with what you say about how finding a spouse works. You are the one making it personal.

        I already enjoy my life a great deal. You also have a great Thanksgiving

      • “God may well put someone in front of you, but you still have to act.”


        Not only that, but men better have the best resume and professional references possible in order to even show up on her radar as a possible candidate.

        This, of course, is ignoring the fact that most women in churches now (who act more like HR departments than sisters-in-Christ) are totally unprepared and unqualified to be good wives and mothers.

        “get your mind off of dating, get it on the Lord, be faithful to Him, and He will set a woman before you where you won’t have to play the guessing game!”

        You, my sister, seem to be over-spiritualizing life in the 21st century.
        I think the world is a giant top that has been spinning in place for a long time, and now it’s almost about to topple over. A long time ago, God gave us all free will to choose what we want, and yes, He wants us to choose His will, but we have all been living around the curses of poor-choice free will for so long now, that most Christians are living in sin, and everything about finding a good wife is a horrendous “guessing game.”

        Being close to God and living in his will only guarantees that I’m pleasing God by living in his will (ie: obedient to his commands). In no way does it guarantee a loving, respectful, submissive, Christian wife who wants to please God by honoring me as her husband. Those are two totally different things.

        By your logic, God wants all people to be well fed, and so living in his will automatically means that we will never go hungry. How well is that logic working for some of the poorer Christians in poor parts of Africa or Afghanistan? Or even poor parts of the US?

        This is the problem with Western Theology: it assumes that God will always give you whatever you want if you just pray long and hard enough.

        But, God is not our candy dispenser.

        Obedience to God is just that – obedience. It is nothing else.

        Justin is right!

        We can pray all we want, but if we don’t put an amazing resume out into the world, then all those Christian women won’t have the option to exercise all their free will as well – and many already have.

        I think the reason all those men in the bible found wives was because society pushed marriage on young, single people as a way of life instead of all the glamorous lies we hear now about being “free” and “independent.” Plus, major cities like Jerusalem only had ~12,000 people total (or roughly 32x the size of my small town high school marching band – less options makes selection easier, especially if your future well-being depended on your absolute need in that society to become married).

        We assume that their decision to marry was always God’s best choice for them (ie: God’s will). We never consider that God would bless their marriage selections because God believes in the union and covenant of godly marriages no matter which wives they chose.

        We like to ascribe credit to God for everything good that happens, but don’t also acknowledge all the helpful social factors that contribute greatly to good things happening.

        Any honest Christian woman will admit that holiness/godliness is down to about #6 on her priority list of desirable traits in a husband, far below all the superficial things like looks, status, popularity, and humor.

        I can tell you with 100% certainty that being holy and Godly, and living in his will has absolutely nothing at all to do with finding a wife. Being holy without also being a good-looking, charismatic, top-status man is absolutely useless for finding a wife. Been there and done that. So have many other godly men who followed advice like yours.

        Maybe you should teach women to value godliness more, rather than blaming men for “not being godly enough.” Clearly, Christian women have no problem dating non-Christians, so your advice for men to be “in God’s will” is only helpful to find God.

        If you want single men and women to become married, then stop spitting out religious sounding platitudes, and become very honest and real about the ways we each (men and women) need to change practically to live biblical 21st century life well (ie: the pastor’s advice to find his wife in 1975 is useless to us now. That was a different world that we can’t even relate to, and following such advice is part of what has caused the issues we have now – well, that and “kissing dating goodbye.”)

        It would be refreshing to hear a Pastor admit that they chose their wife because she was “hot” and she chose him because his “Pastor” job title “demonstrated he was a strong leader.” They always skip over the honest details of their time dating to spiritualize how “God led them together through prayer in bible college, so you have to become more godly and pray more.” No, the truth is that her rich parents went into deep debt to send her to an expensive bible college, so that she could find a good-looking young man who was studying to become a pastor, because we all know that pastors are “holier” than boring, sinful, cubicle drones like accountants, and God wants “the best” for her. So she probably put on her cutest skirt and flirted with him, using Jesus as a sales pitch to snag the man who could give her the ideal “Christian” future she wanted.

        If Pastors can’t even be honest with themselves, how can they expect any of their experiences to help us now.

  5. Justin, I’ve always enjoyed your blog posts, even though I know that your target audience is men. I’ve always found your posts to be quite relevant for women, as well, and this article does not fail to live up to that. I’ve often said that I’m glad I am not a man – you guys have a big job and a lot of pressure put on you! I never thought about how dangerous church dating can be for men, and you’re right – women NEED to be called out sometimes! I appreciate you being bold enough to say it.

  6. @ BW

    Your approach seems good to me. The big thing is to actually meet the girl. I’d say not asking them out the first day you meet them is smart. To me you want to be confident and be yourself and meet them. Then maybe the second or third time you might ask for some contact info – if it seems right.

    If you have solid older people it’s a win. At the very least it helps to have people in your life that you trust that know what you are doing and can speak into it. That helps with all things, including dating.

  7. One thing I do want to add in here and get to the root of the discussion that Ms. Sahiyena posted. She wrote the following…

    “The House of God is for Prayer and Worship…it is not a bar or any other type of pick up place.”

    Which is true. However we as believers need to remember that the church is us, the body of believers worshipping Christ. We do go to a church building to have corporate worship services that worship Christ through giving of hymns, offerings, and the public study of God’s word. But the church doesn’t end there. We also go to fellowship with like minded believers. Essentially our own community of sinful believers who have been forgiven by the blood of Christ and God’s grace. We go for the corporate worship but to fellowship, have accountability with, and enjoy wonderful friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ. Essentially what happens in the church is an example of what will happen in heaven!

    Anyway, if someone is going to church (most likely a non believer or young babe in Christ) in order TO pickup a lady, then that is the wrong. Because their heart is in the wrong place, which has happened to all of us in different ways at some points in our walk. But to say that a man should essentially forbid himself interest in a lady at church because it has nothing to do with prayer and worship, and seek a spouse elsewhere is becoming borderline legalism/fundamentalism.

    Obviously no mature believer is going to hit on a lady during worship service, Sunday school class, bible study, etc. If a guy did, that gal should get red flags and run far far away! However during the times of friendly fellowship, enjoyment, conversations, and family fun activities with other believers I don’t see anything biblically wrong with taking an interest in a lady. Getting to know a lady who loves the Lord where both individuals are amongst other married believers in fact is a very God honoring way to meet and marry. Doing so within the body of believers that make up the church allows for accountability between a man and woman. It also allows for biblical guidance and counsel from other married believers who can help guide these two young individuals to a solid Christ centered marriage where God sanctifies them both through that marriage.

    Ms. Sahiyena – I may be mistaken from your post, but when I read it, it came across as believers are only to show up to church for prayer and worship (singing hymns, reading of scripture) and then go home. As if fellowship apart from the corporate worship services with each other in a loving, friendly, and Christ honoring way isn’t part of the church. I wasn’t sure if you meant that or not so I felt I should ask as well as clarify something that I’ve learned over the years.


  8. After the last polite rejection (polite yes, but still a rejection 🙂 ) I got from a woman who I honestly thought was into me (we laughed over coffee before Sunday school, we were in soldier class together. Sometimes she would sit next to me in church. Small talk after church. We both came through a very dark, and sad period in our lives)…..anyway it was then that I did come to the conclusion that church “probably” wasn’t a good place to meet a woman. In a bigger church I am sure it is hard enough, but most Americans who attend church go to ones under 100 people. Like me. Yeah.

    So, REALLY trying to keep yourself Holy, and righteous, and not to become “that guy” and at the same time enduring “that sermon” about how men are not “stepping up” and every woman’s head is nodding in agreement……..and as a man…you don’t know “what” to do….

    What was I to do? I had to surrender further to Christ and finally accept that I was going to be a lifelong bachelor. Why? I did it before I would get so bitter and jaded IN church or regretful of a decision to follow Christ, which I could not the devil win on. Christ wants a joyful servant.

    I have to say, since I made this choice in June. Life has been easier and I have been feeling a lot better.

    A lot of this problem today Justin honestly is that our pastors, many lay leaders, deacons or what-have-you are in uncharted waters themselves. My Officer has been married since 1972. All of the council at my Corps are married and have been since the 1970’s. You have a VERY large segment of the never married, the single-mom, and divorced now strolling in, expecting answers….and they are not getting them…and as I mentioned to The Peaceful Wife, that for us (the singles) it is a bit unfair for us to expect answers from people who “can’t” understand, or have not been through this. Today’s single crowd is a wide bearth of ages, and situations…..and we’re not the easiest people to minister to.

    The singles in church today are going have to a a lot of the footwork themselves. They are just going to have to do it. They are going have trust and obey and really soak in the Word. They are going to have to fellowship in some way and they are going to have to hold themselves accountable.

    I really don’t see the attitude changing from the “top down” at this point and I am not attacking church leadership……but sometimes the best of us rises from our own personal situations. Great post.

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  10. I followed that crazy woman’s advice. I wanted dinner yesterday so I read my bible and prayed and got more in God’s will. It’s now 32 hours later and not a drop of food yet. Of course I could go to the store and buy some groceries and cook some food, but where is my exercising faith and proving God in that. Anyways, while I sit here starving and praying and reading and getting deeper into God’s will, I hope he sends me some food.

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  12. Well, I’ve noticed church women always, and I mean always, want a financial provider–which we men are told to do. However, keep in mind that society has changed quite substantially, but this teaching has not. While I want to be the financial provider, 2 main things have happened: the average student loan debt is $30,000, much higher than it has ever been, and we are trying to pay that off. 2nd: Women have an increased role in the workforce, and often make more money than men. In my case I am generally well received by women until the money thing hits–5 of my 6 relationships have ended because of that–and in 1 of those cases was making enough to support a family (I still had a job, but it basically just paid my bills), and another girl was making six figures, but dumped me for another guy making six figures and had a house. Its’s very difficult to be a financial provider when a lot of the finances in the world are now also going to women,and a lot of the finances to all people are going to college and paying back student loans.

  13. One of the reasons I would say is that there are people in the church that meddles in affairs (lives of others) that they have no business with. In the church I attend; one of the deacons follows my every move to see if I’m always up to no good, along with the pastor’s daughter in law who(and her friends) think I need to hurry up and get married. IF we are supposed to date other Christians, then why are the members of set church being so overbearing about young singles?

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  15. Shawn is dead on!!! I basically stopped dating because the volunteer leaders in my church Singles Group thought they had the right and duty to arrange relationships they approved of, and to discourage people they didn’t like from dating. One married couple who did a lot of this took pride in setting up relationships while their own marriage was breaking up!!! They denied this, but it was well known throughout the church. Sadly, this is a fairly common occurrence.

  16. I met this guy in church. ..very humble and attractive man ..I always had dreams I’m dating him..One day the pastor called and told me there’s someone coming to fetch us so we won’t be late for church. .I went outside there was the guy I saw in ma dream. friends set at the back and he told me to take the front sit. ..I thought oh my God is this a sign. ..driving to church we were talking. .just general convo. …then after church I approached him and asked if he can take us back home he agreed. ..He dropped ma friends 1st then lastly me. ..He asked for ma name I told him. ..then I dropped off. ..He called me back he asked for ma number and asked if he could see me later I told him of course. ..I was soo excited thinking this is God’s plan why would a guy I had a dream about ask to see me. …later that day he came ..we were talking then all of a sudden he kissed me. ..I pushed him back gentle coz I didn’t see that coming. …He kissed me again again nd he told me his mind and sold have accepted me …He feels like he has known me for foreva…blah blah blah. ..we kissed and kissed …He was touching me everywhre. ..afta that we said our goodbyes. ….I sent him a text asking if he is home safely since he didn’t call me he apologised for not calling when he got home …..The following day he didn’t call me then I saw him at church the 3rd day. be honest ma tommy was in knots was thinking Wat do I do if I see him. I smile. ..maybe he doesn’t like me that’s y he hasn’t called me but y did he kiss me like that. .I saw him come in …He sat infront of me. was worship time pple were singing and dancing. ..He was also dancing but way different than his usual dance. ..its like he was high on something. …He wasn’t himself.. ..i thought maybe he also had butterflies then he took something to ease himself but that was a turn off for. .now im stressed and confused. ..why do hasn’t he called…y didn’t he ask to see me afta church ….what do u think is happening here. help

    • In my opinion, there are many men out there as wolves but in sheep clothing. They appears as though they are the right sort of guy only ending up to take something so dear from you and walk away.

      More needs to be done to discern this kind of men. Not that this particular guy is one but it seems to me that he might be.

      Yes you guys took it a step further than you should have but that doesn’t warrant his behavior.

      If you require closure from him, you might want to have a word to clear things. But be sure that you are moving on. One important word in the bible (in proverbs 4:23) in such cases is that you should always guard your heart closely.

      Not saying you should become mean spirited to other men because you are safeguarding yourself, I am saying with more discernment, accountability and discipline, better decisions and judgement calls will be made in the future.

      Please don’t be stressed and confused. if need be, you can talk to someone trusted about it and they can work & walk with you. God is the ultimate but I’m sure he uses people to guide and help us heal.

  17. I have ben a strong believer in Christ since 1998.. i was 13..; Now i’m 32… and let me tell you, I have never had a consistant christian lady in my life… I have a friend in the world that told me “the church girl, and or the highly materialistic girl, their exeptectations are too high.. they stay super single… Their exepectations can be unrealistic… They want a man with bill gates type of money…

  18. It is true that going to Church just to find a cute girl to date is not a Godly idea for attending Church. However, in Church, you have definitely a much higher likelihood of finding a Godly woman than any other place, like a college or a university. And it is a good idea to look for a Godly woman in Church because the Scripture tells us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers and that Church is a community of believers coming together. For these reasons, I think Church is the best place to find a Godly girlfriend or wife.

    • I have been blacklisted in 2 churches…still the search continues…hahaha. It is hard especially when people know you are in church looking for a wife,.

  19. Pingback: Some Help For The Ladies | More Than Don't Have Sex

  20. Yep! I was made to feel like “That guy” in the church I put 30 plus years service and commitment into. I was supposed to be “a man” and pursue, but I had a pastor in the church approach me in a service and basically fend me off. Needless to say I no longer attend and serve there.

  21. I just think all church women are fake. One of the worst things I’ve ever done was thinking that my church was a great place to find a wife. Hint I was seeking to find a wife not a booty call, or a screw buddy which is what all the women at my church was looking for. I always interacted with these women in a safe public place and never tried to take any of them to my home or go to theirs. I was always very respectable and even with that my Pastor was told by a few of them that I was in so many words starker them even thought we were only going to local parks walking and I was always very respectable. Church women are a mess. My advice; (STAY THE CRAP AWAY FROM THEM!!!!). The are danger to a good Godly man or any man that looking to grow in God. Many of them are only hiding behind the church acting and playing the role that they are all good and screwing every man in the world that cant be found out by the member of their local church. It’s sad. Men if you are really trying to work for God please don’t date in church. It’s not worth it. It’s Gods way but not the local churches way.

  22. I agree that dating should not be the reason for anyone to go to church. But it also applies to friendships as well. A person should never try to convert their friends to go to church with him/her. If one does , it makes the friendship awkward and even calculated. I became friends with someone when I was in high school, and was upfront about wanting to know what religion I was and if I wanted to go to church with her. When I asked my mom, I honestly thought that she would have said ‘no’, but she said ‘yes’. While it seemed okay at first, she as well as her mother was pressuring me to do things at their church, including joining. That was a big mistake for me. The were too persistent about every single church activity and needing me to go to church when they wanted to go, which ironically, was not every Sunday. I could never catch a break from their church talk or preaching. Long story short, our friendship did suffer because most of the time, my friend only wanted to have contact with me only if I went to church with her.

    So, I will say that I would not want to date someone at church without knowing him for a great length of time. Not many years, but long enough so that I know what his true values are, and what his personality and mannerism is like. To me, the way a person conducts himself says a lot about the kind of Christian he is. I would want someone who walks the walk, not just talks the talk. I agree with an earlier point that was made about when you date someone in church, it can be very awkward if it doesn’t work out because you have to see that person every time you go to church. So, I would probably end up leaving that church if I dated someone and it ended badly, or to where there is not civility between us. A little off the subject, maybe that it is big reason why employers generally don’t allow employees do date.

    • I think you are bit too demanding on your need to know a guy at church very well before accepting a date. If you treat guys as if they are predators, they will grow cold (and disinterested) very quickly, (and permanently).

  23. Just wanted to offer up a woman’s perspective here. I’m sure there are plenty of times where men get the label of being “that guy” unfairly. However, I also think there are men who get labeled as “that guy” because they’re doing some things that really aren’t ok. Here’s a short list of things to avoid. They can mainly be summed up by remembering that church is not a dating club. Women and men go to church to get closer to God, be respectful of that goal and treat women like fellow believers.
    1) Don’t be the guy who approaches a new girl the first time she visits a church and try to monopolize her so that you can ask her on a date before the other guys get a chance. Her connection to you should not trump her connection to Jesus. Introduce her to people, maybe help her find a small group and feel welcome. Ask her on a date once she’s settled in.
    2) Do not ask out every single girl who isn’t taken.
    3) Do not ask out a different girl every week.
    4) Do not walk up to a girl ask her about whether or not she volunteers, what her beliefs on some verse are and if she’s in a Bible study and then ask her out. Have a conversation like a normal human being, not a wife interview.
    5) I don’t think anyone should really ever be asking people out over facebook, but if you ever find yourself copying and pasting facebook messages to ask a girl out, stop everything you’re doing and go find a wise older man to disciple you. You just shouldn’t be dating at all right now.
    6) Keep in mind that dating is genuinely scary for some women. Women who date a bad guy can wind up being beaten or raped or stalked. She knows this because she’s heard stories about it all her life and it’s probably happened to people she knows, maybe even to her. Just because you know you never do those things does not mean she can tell when she first meets you. Don’t act like she’s crazy for being cautious.
    7) Just because you’re ultimately looking for a wife does not mean that you should ask what she expects from a husband on the first date or that going on a few dates should end in marriage. (This one really goes for both genders, but I felt the need to include it because too many people out there really just need to calm down)
    Now, if you avoid all these things and make an effort to treat women in your church as fellow believers first and you still get labeled as “that guy” just because you’ve asked more than one girl out at your church, you have my genuine sympathy and please know that none of this was directed to you.

  24. Ibam single but I was going to church because my friend went there. I felt out of place because everything was about married couples. All the woman in the woman’s group talked about And All the trips were you and your spouse. Stopped going. I wasn’t there to meet.someone 9 was there spiritually and it was ruined. So not all churches have a bunch of singles.

  25. First, check for any engagement ring on her finger. If not, keep trying to sit near her. Try and make some sort of eye contact. She will know by your glance that you give her, that you’re interested. But don’t give crazy, creeper looks or stares. If she catches you looking at her and she is interested back, she will try to make eye contact with you again later. It may not be that same day, but it may be another day. If she is not interested, she may sit in a different area or move to another seat further from you next time, or when she catches you looking at her again, she may look away right away. And after praying about her, and getting confirmation from God through godly dreams/visions, or Holy Spirit guidance that she may be the one, then when greeting/shaking hands, quickly introduce yourself and ask her what her name is. “Nice to meet you”.. she may take notice that you don’t ask other women for their name. Then next time, you can greet her by her name. This can open up to further small talk. Do what the Holy Spirit leads you to do. ..I like a guy at church, and feel I’ve gotten the hint from God, but I’m waiting for him to act. He’s given subtle hints. I would appreciate for him to say something to me, even being direct at this point. Or if he doesn’t want to move forward, I’d like to know so I can move forward. Honestly men, take the risk. Humility is good for the Body, remember. So, if you get rejected, or things don’t end up working out, and she turns out to be bitter with you at Church, then wow, it’s good that you found out sooner than later. Just simply try and ask “So, are we good?” 😉 I liked that! At least you tried to smooth things over. That’s all I have to say. God bless you, brothers and sisters!

  26. A true Christian woman look with in the heart and wouldn’t care if a guy rich or poor . Most woman are truly crazy . They would go out with a guy who is good looking and rich and get cheated on or hit on they go with a guy who is poor or true .

  27. Even at church it is still very difficult to meet a good woman nowadays since most of them are very stuck up total losers altogether. And God forbid if you just say good morning or hello to a woman that many of us men would like too meet which has become very extremely dangerous now unfortunately. Can’t win either way.

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