Most of my usual readers know that this blog is written mainly for men. Lots of ladies read this and probably 70% of what I write here is pretty applicable to both sexes. This is especially true of all that I’ve said theologically about celibacy, family and the Church. It’s mostly true of the things we discuss having to do with living in the context of being unmarried including things like dealing with sexual desire, community, touch, money, dealing with loss, etc.
However most of what I’ve offered here in terms of what to do with attraction, how to attract people, how to get a date and how to date, have been very guy centered. I’ve had several requests from female readers at different times for thoughts on what they can do in those areas. So I want to offer some thoughts today.
I’m not going to write several posts on this although I surely could. But that is not the main format of the blog and not really my wheelhouse because after all, I’m a guy.
So instead I want to offer some things that the ladies can do with some tidbits on what not to do mixed in.
Here are some things to do:
Go ahead and initiate contact
There is a difference between initiating with someone and pursuing them. We all know that women want to be pursued (not chased). But as a guy it can be hard to know who to pursue and a little help on the front end can go a long way. It can be as simple as being the first to make eye contact and smile. There is nothing wrong with introducing yourself or starting a conversation with some guy you might be interested in. I wouldn’t advise asking them out. But you can talk with them, laugh with them, be friendly and even a little flirty. There’s nothing wrong with that. It creates a comfort level. I think this is especially true in the church setting where sometimes guys are being too careful (which is sometimes merited).
Make yourself available
This could mean showing up at events that you know good men will be at. It might mean letting a certain guy know where you’ll be. I had a good friend share with me how she once had a guy she met at church who she wanted to know more. She loved biking and found out that he did as well. She shared with him that her and some friends biked at a certain place at a certain time and that he was welcome to come. It wasn’t a date. But it gave him a chance to show up. Which he did. And then he asked her out.
Being available might mean seeing that a guy goes out the same door every Sunday and choosing to go out that door – sort of setting up the opportunity to run into you. It might mean online dating. I know that there are pros and cons to that, but it for sure puts you in a place to of availability to meet men.
Put your most attractive self forward
Dress feminine. I’m not saying dress sexual. But it’s ok to put some effort into it. And don’t downplay that. Don’t talk about your “faults” when you are with a guy on a date. I had women do this all the time. They would tell me all that was wrong with them. They’d tell me how much weight they gained or lost. They’d tell me how they were difficult or couldn’t change this or that. I guess there is a place for that but it’s not early on. Maybe they wanted to lower the bar or make sure I wouldn’t run at the first negative thing. But frankly here’s the deal. If a man is on a date with you, he was at least fairly attracted to you. You should just go with that. Don’t sabotage it. He likes you a little or he wouldn’t be there.
Learn to just say no and yes and be respectful either way
If someone asks you out, there are only two possible answers to that. Yes or no. Anything else is disrespectful. If you don’t want to go out you can be nice – but say no nicely. You aren’t dating Jesus. You don’t have other plans that day. You’re not working on you right now. You just don’t want to. That’s ok. If he keeps asking you out, then say no a bit more firmly. But don’t go nuclear with it. If you do want to go out with him then for the love of all things holy say yes. If you don’t know if you want to out with him and he meets your qualifiers, my advise is say yes – at least once maybe twice. You don’t have to know you want to marry him. It’s a date. If you want to go out with him and he is not a good guy – then say no and stay the heck out of that situation. Become unavailable.
Readers – maybe you could throw some other thoughts out. Ladies – what has been helpful to you. Guys, what have you appreciated. We don’t need comments here just ripping each other – that’s pointless.
What advice do you have when a man hasn’t asked you out, but is obviously interested, but you’re not?
Can you also speak to personality and any observations you have had there in terms of successful relationships? When people try to sell me on a guy, it seems like they forget that part.
As a man, one thing that is helpful is if the woman smiles when I make eye contact with her/approach her. I find that often times I can’t even get a smile out of a woman in Church; in contrast to women in the world. I usually have no problem recognizing when a non-Christian woman is interested in me. Some would say that is because they are bold and that is true is some cases. Many times though I receive a simple, genuine smile or a “Hi” from them that lets me know “Hey, I am open to talking to you/getting to know you.” Now, I don’t date women who are non-Christian but from my experience it seems that in many cases it is easier to get an opening and have a conversation with them. I know that not all Christian women are difficult to talk to but in my personal experience I just usually have a harder time getting to know a Christian woman (a woman I would actually consider marrying) then one who is non-Christian.
Helpful advice! Thanks!