So recently Charlize Theron stated in an interview that she was shockingly single. She said she was available and that someone just needed to grow a pair (Christian leaders would say “Man Up”) and ask her out.
As soon as I saw this story I started laughing. I laughed for two reasons. First, I knew that a bunch of people would ask her out through various means and second, that she was completely full of it.
And . . . that is exactly what happened. A good looking man from Kansas City (shout out to my home town) sent in a video asking her out. She signed a picture for him. Uh yeah, not what he had in mind. You can see both her original statement and the guy asking her out in this video here. It’s great.
There is so much great material here it could probably be 5 posts but I’m going to break it down in one and look at what we can learn from it.
First of all, this just shows that we are all wired the same. Watching famous good looking people with money complain about not being able to find someone should be in some ways a bit of an encouragement. It’s not just you. I remember a couple of years ago reading about how Tim Tebow just couldn’t find the woman he was looking for. Haha. Yeah it’s rough.
Tebow at least had the honesty (Tebow is an honest dude) to say he was looking for someone hot – who also loves Jesus. But needless to say Tebow and Theron can both date a whole lot of people. Tebow recently became engaged to . . . wait for it. . . a former Miss Universe. Good for Tim.
Here’s what this has to do with us. I hear all the time from singles about not being able to find people who are suitable spouse material. I was there for a long time myself. I understand the feeling. Both men and women do this. It’s often gets amplified in the Church.
“There are no guys at church”. “There are no guys mature enough”. “I haven’t met the one”. “I haven’t found the woman who I can spend forever with”. “God hasn’t sent me the one yet.”
I have seen people say this right in front of people of the opposite sex who on paper would meet every qualification they would say this magical person would need.
Here’s the actual truth of the matter. For most of us, we have met many people who we could have dated or married. We just weren’t attracted enough to them. When a woman says that no one has asked her out, what she typically means is that no guy she is attracted to has asked her out (or she has avoided anyone she is not attracted to so they can’t ask her out.) When a woman says she wants a mature Christian man, what she means is that she wants a man she is attracted to who also happens to be a mature Christian.
Guys do it as well. When a guy says that no one will go out with him, what he typically means is that no one he wants to go out with will go out with him. When a guy says that he can’t find a good Christian woman, what he means is that he can’t find a woman that he is attracted to (read hot enough) that also happens to be a Christian.
Now I have no problem with this truth. I certainly didn’t marry someone I wasn’t attracted to. That’s not really my point. My point is we need to quit whining about it and acting as if we don’t have choices.** And for the love of all things we need to quit saying it in front of our brothers and sisters who actually meet the qualifications we say we want but that we aren’t attracted to.
Now I do think many of us need to get over ourselves and quit looking for the person we are perfectly attracted to. But attraction matters as I’ve stated ad nauseam here at the blog.
I should point out that Tebow and Theron have very different definitions of single. I’ll say more about what single seems to mean in an upcoming post. But for today a couple of take aways in conclusion.
We all want to date and marry people we are attracted to. There are lots of people we could date but won’t because we aren’t attracted enough. We need to consider this if we are serious about getting married. What is attractive enough? Is my picker broken? What am I really trying to find? However, attraction matters.
And secondly, whatever we decide about those questions, we need to own it and quit acting as if there are no options.
** I get that some people have more choices than others. I also know that there are some who will not be chosen. But the main point for most people still holds true.
More Than Don't Have Sex 
Sometimes, single is better.
I think a lot of the complaining comes from a position of on one hand wanting someone on one’s life, but on the other seeing circumstances making attempting to date risky if not foolhardy.
From my standpoint, I see people with crazy demands in their requirements for a mate, and yet offering little to nothing that would make that prospective mate’s life better, in fact usually the opposite.
Add in the divorce industry’s looting of good men, and a relationship looks quite unappealing.
These so-called pastors would do well to get out of their ivory towers and learn the situation on the ground. Yelling at men to man up is the easy and I would say cowardly way to go. It’s completely unhelpful and only drives more men away from God while giving women the idea they do no wrong. (Women do wrong???? Blasphemy!!!)
Truly true truth.
Thank you for being honest about and explaining the reality of attraction.
This lady can admit to having been in some of the scenarios you described, saying the things you have described.
Also, I can see how, with a few men I have dated, I had allowed attraction to convince me that these men were more wired in to Christ than they actually were, or were more stable in ways important to me than they actually were, or that we had more in common than we actually did, in terms of what I knew I really wanted in a partner. Not that I’m looking for the perfect on-paper partner. I’m talking about knowing what you’re looking for in a partner based on wisdom, on understanding your own strengths and weaknesses, and on compatibility in how you both move through life and how you actually live. Equally yoked, and all that.
It’s true, you cannot choose who you’re attracted to, but you can and must make the right choice about what to do about it.
I don’t date anyone I’m not attracted to (again, TRUTH), and I don’t allow attraction to blind me into dating someone who, right up front, if I’m honest with myself, isn’t a right fit.
Too risk averse.
Plus after a lifetime of celibacy, sad and lonely as I am, the pay offs of marrying this late are scant to bill.
Plus there are gobs of women competing for the very few men. If any single men go to any church. In my state there seem to be no single Christian men younger than my dad. (I can’t find a man my father’s age attractive. Sorry. It feels weird.) I have visited a number of churches since we have a lot of interchurch activities.
The numbers have always been stacked against me. And my body wasn’t stacked right. In the eighties and nineties you had to be wicked skinny to be worthy of love. I actually tried to develop an eating disorder in the hopes of becoming worthy. How I hated my body!
Never have gotten over the disappointment of being overlooked (passively rejected) by every guy on campus. I don’t blame them. My mom and other women kept telling me how ugly and awkward I was. I obviously was not good enough. Couldn’t measure up to all the much more attractive girls.
Beauty won’t hold a marriage together, but unless you are hot and gorgeous there will never be a marriage since no one can love you.
Less smoking hot and gorgeous than ever. And all the men my age demand hot gorgeous women half their ages anyhow. Regardless of their looks, social skills or income.
I tried online dating and got sick of it. Mostly just folks who want hook ups. Virtual singles bars or pro bono prostitution. Including “Christian” sites.
I can’t have kids at 46. I lived all my life alone. I can die alone.
Sick of the mind games associated with dating and manipulative flattery called flirting. With my malabsorption disorder I am through with the 500 calorie diets in the vain hopes of looking like a runway model. Plus I already have too many sags without becoming underweight.
Just more heart aches for the dubious prize of MAYBE if I am “LUCKY” landing a marriage of convenience to some much older widower who will gripe because I am not his dead wife while I save him the expense of a home health aide.
And everyone will praise this situation and tell me how romantic and wonderful it is which will be more disgusting.
No thanks!
Putting myself out there like some prostitute (I am chaste but people usually assume stuff and I have to explain regardless of if he calls himself saved. And he gets huffy. Online dating is the worst! But the only way of meeting single men after thirty.)
It is like playing the lottery if every ticket cost $1,000,000 with a one in one thousand chance of a $100,000. No thanks!
When a woman says no man asks her out she usually means no man she finds attractive enough,
AND when a man complains no woman will go out with him, he usually means none of the women he finds attractive enough to ask. Or acknowledge the existence of.
Attraction introduces a powerful, subtle bias – whether we want it to or not. When evaluating a person according to our preferences, the tests we administer differ with attraction level: high attraction means a simple, cursory examination, designed – usually subconsciously – to maximize the person’s chance to pass; but low attraction yields a much more intensive analysis, designed to fail the person under consideration. Why the disparity? Simply: we need to justify our attractions, or lack thereof. We do not want to admit that attraction is a biological impulsive untethered to spiritual quality; so to excuse ourselves, we make the story one of their own deficiencies, rather than of our own attractive arbitrations.