Today I want to revisit the idea of the “gift” of singleness. I was reminded of how messed up our theology of singleness seems to be by this post at Relevant.
Now to be fair, the author says some good things so I want to point those out. He rightly says that the Church is too focused on marriage as the only path. He also rightly implies that the Church is terrible at dealing with single people. And he even goes so far as to say that not everyone will or even should get married. Amen!
However, the problem here is that he links the gift of singleness to all people that are not married. This idea is rampant and it’s bad. It’s terrible theology, and it leads to confusion. Now I’ve written about this a ton, but like I said, we need to keep revisiting this.
First of all, the statement that “even if you’re looking for a spouse, that is not your number one priority” is just patronizing. “Remember single folks, your number one priority is your relationship with God”. Wow. Really?! I didn’t know that. Geesh. You want to know what your number one priority as a married person is? Um yeah . . . your relationship with God.
While I don’t think that you should become consumed with looking for a spouse, I actually think that if you want to get married and you’re over the age of 22, you should probably put some serious effort and focus on it. It doesn’t just happen. Remember that Reformed Romance is a myth and its killing us. God isn’t going to just “poof” you a spouse when He decides it’s time.
Second is the completely ridiculous idea that if you are single and want to be married that you are less distracted from God and His calling on your life than if you are married. That is NOT what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7. What he says is that if you aren’t distracted by it, then maybe you have the gift of singleness. In 25 years of ministry to young people and with those serving young people, I can tell you that some of the most distracted people I’ve known are those looking for a spouse.
Another funny thing about this is that almost every pastor, elder and church leader that you see is married. So the idea that you can’t be as good in ministry married as single seems a bit disingenuous at best. Especially when spoken by a protestant church leader.
Another big problem here is that if everyone who is not married has the gift of singleness then we end up lumping all unmarried people together. This is unbiblical, ineffective and often hurtful.
Does the person who has been married and divorced three times now have the gift of singleness? Does the person who consumer dates have the gift of singleness? Does the person who has three kids out of wedlock have the gift of singleness? Does the widow have this gift?
The truth is that biblically speaking, there are the not yet married, the divorced, the widowed, the married, those who are celibate because they were born that way, those who are celibate because of the fall of man and those who are celibate for the Kingdom (the actual gift Paul is talking about). All have different contexts and biblical instructions.
When we lump everything together, even with good intentions of actually engaging singles, we just create more mess. We need to do several things instead.
First we need an actual theology of singleness. This includes understanding all of the aforementioned groups and especially an actual biblical and traditional view of celibacy. Without this, we will continue to create confusion and chaos.
Secondly we while we do need to quit treating all unmarried people, regardless of which biblical group they are in, as inferior in the church, we also need to walk a very fine line. We need to be able to say both, It’s ok that you’re single but understand not only the “advantages” but the costs. We need to help people determine their actual calling to either celibacy or marriage, and then help them follow it.
It’s not beneficial to keep telling a group of people who aren’t getting married not to worry about it. We need to stop telling them how hard marriage is while leaving out the joy of marriage every bit as much as we need to not tell them about the joy of marriage while leaving out the hard. We need to quit telling single people to take advantage and do more ministry while they can before they have to do the hard work of marriage. We don’t have a too much too soon marriage problem. We don’t need to de-incentivize marriage for those not called to celibacy.
And for the love of all things we need to quit telling every unmarried person that they have the gift of celibacy. It confuses those not called to it and dishonors those that are.
Every day is a gift from God. But not every context we find ourselves in is our gifting.
More Than Don't Have Sex 
Many singles definitely don’t consider singleness a gift.
The Bible as far as I know doesn’t say anything about a “season of singleness” either.
How I wish we could get God’s doctrines into the church and man’s doctrines out.
Yes. Nowhere in the Bible does it refer to a “season of singleness.” Yet I see folks constantly yammering about this nonexistent, unbiblical thing. Especially female Christian bloggers and YouTubers.
The same kind that teach sentimental nonsense like the soulmate. “God has the perfect man picked out that’s just right for you.” (If a man were perfect, he would be a very bad match for me. Lol.)
They offer very impractical, dumb advice and say things that just aren’t true. 1. Date Jesus. Let Him satisfy you till God sends Mr. Perfect into your life. (Jesus is relegated to a boyfriend substitute till the real deal arrives.) 2. God must be punishing you for not delighting yourself enough in Him or feeling contented enough or wanting marriage so much it’s an idol. Repent and He’ll send you a man. 3. Sit back and wait on the Lord. He’s sure to send someone. Doing anything at all to enable the process shows you lack faith and trust and are running ahead of God. 4. Pray harder. But not too hard because that’s making an idol of marriage and shows a lack of contentment. 5. Stay pure. If you are still single after 25, we can assume you lost your purity and God is judging you. 6. Looks don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how homely or awkward you are. Your perfect soulmate whom God has picked out for you won’t care. Don’t bother fixing yourself up, dieting and exercising or brushing up on social skills. Godly men are impervious to worldly things like physical beauty. Trying to look good is vain and God will punish you by prolonging your Season. 7. Singleness is a gift from God. A good and beautiful gift with many opportunities to grow (for marriage) and serve Him. The only reason it gets prolonged is because of sin or lack of spiritual virtues. Remember that the best if not only way a woman can serve God is as a wife and mother. 8. Be sweet and passive and stay modest, diffident, quiet and shy. Dress so as not to attract attention to yourself. Only speak in a few words in a soft undertone when spoken to. Stay home and avoid social functions. This will show that meek and quiet spirit that godly men find irresistible. It’s godly trad femininity to be invisible and silent as you let men pursue you. 9. If you wind up a spinster late in life after following all this excellent advice, it’s your own fault for not being proactive enough.
This is the best article I’ve read about singleness and the church, probably ever.
I see the truth in so many points here. Another thing I noticed and disliked in a lot of the single women’s groups I was in and books I read is the passive idea that women need to wait and be found while the years pass us by.
I now believe the best approach to life is an active one, we cannot do everything but we are not called to nothing either.
Thanks for an honest lesson on SINgleness. As an nearly 60 year old man who trusted God for a mate and is still SINgle I can say because of the Church false doctrine of the gift of SINgleness i am not save as I hate myself, God and most definitely the Church who watches hurting SINgles and honestly don’t care about a one of them. Hebrews 13:4 condemns me so I know the Holy Father never accepted the Blood of Christ for me!
I’m not sure I follow.
Jesus never accepted your repentance because you never married? And Hebrews 13:4 teaches that?
What do you mean?
Good stuff.
I know as a single, you can kinda get attuned to all the annoying clichés and platitudes that married folks will toss your way. It’s challenge not to snap at these people with snarky answers, for sure. I’ve certainly been there.
All the married people who lecture you about your “priority being God” decided to get maarried, didn’t they? They’ll “remind” you that “Jesus is enough,” but apparently, Jesus wasn’t enough for them, now, was it?
It’s good to put effort into the search, too. When you’re a Christian and you’re unemployed, fellow Christians (if they’re any good) won’t tell you to just pray about it. They’ll encourage you to take action and take risks. Why is dating any different.
I think some people give you the whole “wait on God advice” for no other reason than personal experience. They met someone when they “weren’t looking,” and they’re now convinced that they figured out The Formula. Easy for them to say.
I also puzzle over the idea that all the singles are “less distracted” and can thus “do more ministry.” Like you said, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors married? Why are all the church elders married? Should they have stayed single so they can “concentrate better” on their ministry? Did they make a mistake when they married? Were they “selfish” or “worldly” in some way? It’s always hard to see these “singleness is better” messages from a happily married person who married at 21. Are some of them even self-aware when they say things like these?