A few years ago I was talking with this woman I liked, when she said, “You know what, I’m so tired of Christian guys.” I laughed, cringed, and completely understood what she meant.
She didn’t mean that she wanted to date/marry an unbeliever or that she didn’t love Jesus. She meant that she was tired of the over thinking, over spiritualizing, over nice acting “Christian” guys, of which at the time I was one.
Now, to be sure, this girl had her own issues. But the fact remains, we have a real problem within the Christian community when it comes to dating. It’s everybody’s fault.
We (meaning the Church big picture) have this extremely weird double standard going on where we tell guys to be basically be nice and get in line, while following all the guys who don’t. We say don’t date around, don’t ask anyone out if you don’t know you can marry them, guard the girl’s heart, but oh by the way – lead. What the heck?!
What we’ve created is a whole lot of nice guys that don’t act. And when they do act they end up doing so in a weak way.
I used to be completely frustrated at the fact that the “bad guy” would always somehow have the girl, and I, who was of course the “good guy” didn’t. But while it’s true that some of these guys were bad, what most of them were was confident, regardless of their goodness or badness. I on the other hand, when I really liked someone, was not.
When it comes to being attractive to females, confidence is perhaps the single most important factor. Not even a lot of females can name this, but it’s a fact. It’s more important in terms of initial attraction than just about anything including but not limited to: looks, money, spirituality, brains, ambition, drive or sexual prowess. Although all those things both affect and are affected by confidence.
Women describe this different ways but it is core to what they are looking for. They want, “someone who knows who they are”, “who knows what they want”, or “who is comfortable in their own skin”. However they describe it they are attracted to it – they respect it. And respect is the key.
We as men, have to get a handle on this, and most of us don’t. We think we do, but we really don’t. It takes some real courage to confront our lack of confidence.
I’m not talking about arrogance. Although, arrogance is more attractive than boring or weak. It is more attractive than fearful (although most arrogant people are masking fear). And this is important: Passivity is not the opposite of Arrogance. Humility is. And humility is not about being weak.
It’s more than semantics. Humility is not interchangeable with weakness, meekness, or passiveness. You cannot be insecure and humble at the same time.
Yes Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth. But meek as we mean it in our culture (tame, mild, bland, unambitious are given as synonyms) is not what Jesus meant. He was none of those things. That verse does not mean the scared and passive will inherit the kingdom. And they for sure will not inherit a wife.
It’s a double whammy. Confident guys get dates because they are attractive to women, and because they are confident enough to ask. They act because they are less afraid.
But here’s the best part, a lot of Christian spokesmen seem to think the answer is telling the non-cofident guy to man up. That is completely ridiculous. What we need to do is two things.
First we need to help guys dig deeper into why they are insecure and passive to begin with. The spokespeople don’t like this because it requires actual work instead of just sounding cool in a sermon or book. But it’s essential. We have to figure out why we are scared. What is it that makes us insecure around the women we want to pursue. Actually at a broader view – what makes us insecure anywhere. Where is that coming from?
Jesus was not insecure and if we are going to follow Him then that means facing our insecurities and growing out of them. As a side benefit, as we do, we become more attractive. Growth is hard work, but I promise you this – Growth is Hot. Dead serious.
Secondly, we need to give men tools in interacting with women. Here’s why. Men are afraid of what they don’t know how to do. We loathe failure. So if I’ve spent most of my life not knowing what to do with women, guess what – I’m going to be insecure in that area.
All men are confident in what they know how to do and unconfident in what they don’t know about. Therefore if we want Christian guys to have confidence and “man up” as it were, then we need to give them the tools, not just a pep talk.
I’ll have more to say about his later this week, but for today let me leave you with a couple of questions.
When are you confident? When are you not? When is the first time you can remember being passive? Do you have the tools to pursue and marry a woman?
More Than Don't Have Sex 
I think the same confidence can be applied to girls here as well. In my own relationships, I am insecure and fearful, not as confident as I should be. Though I come accross as confident simply because I socialize more, I want to socialize, but when the guy I like doesn’t ask me, usually, that’s when we’re no longer confident people. And sometimes confidence and being comfortable and being the typical girl is something guys want.
Can you respond to this? What exactly is it that guys even look for in girls? I mean, I’m almost always caring, laughing, but I’m often not going to waste my time on some of the stuff society has put upon women to follow. I believe the woman has the role of time management, including cutting out stuff that doesn’t equate to good management of time and life. Is it more attractive to a guy to wear make-up, and try to be the typical girl, or is it more important to be yourself and to try to practice the time running the household?
Justin,
This was a great post, and I’m looking forward to hearing more detailed solutions on this topic. Thank You!
Keli,
Men want respect, acceptance, value, appreciation, kindness, encouragement, and friendliness, not just “love” as women typically define and expect it. You can’t just use words to communicate these things. We have to see through actions that these things are actually part of your true and ongoing character. Try to study what respect is and what it looks like to men. Read “Love and Respect” by Emmerson Eggerichs.
Men are more attracted to women who are the most respectful, modest, classy, and feminine versions of themselves they can be in their thoughts, attitudes, words, actions, behaviors, mannerisms, and appearance. Your respectful attitude and honest desire to honor men (without any ulterior motives) is far more important than your make-up or trying to become a “typical girl”. Using your time to practice running the household is very helpful, pleasing, and honoring, and in those respects can be seen as “attractive”. Try focusing more on your heart and character than just your outer appearance.
I don’t know you, and may be a bit presumptuous, but I encourage you to completely ignore all the messages you receive from society, mainstream media, and culture (and maybe even some of your friends) about how you should dress and act, or what you should say or do to attract men.
Take a look at April Cassidy’s websites that are focused on helping Christian women. She has a lot of really great and practical advice.
http://www.peacefulwife.com/
http://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com
Also try:
http://www.loveandrespect.com
http://www.loveandrespectnow.com
God Bless!
Thank you for the reply. Truly though, respect and good integrity in character is something I’ve been trying to do, but it’d be a great help to see what that looks like to guys. And I’ve already been seen as attractive due to classy dress by one guy, but he’s not growing in Christ yet. Modesty does attract the right kind of guy, I just need to wait on God and perhaps also strive for unity and peace while I’m waiting.
Thanks for the tip. 😀 Have a truly Blessed week!
btw, thanks for the links, it was really helpful reading some of those!
Brother, you speak of “tools” and yet when I look for these tools; it is always back to the same thing: Just ask her out! Man-up! What is the worst she could say? Don’t you know it’s just a numbers game….keep asking and one day a woman will go on a date with you! Why are you asking…you are coming off as desperate! Let God do the work! What-do-you mean you’re just letting God do the work….you have to get out there and get what you want! Women don’t bite! You have to build attraction! Women have no choice in attraction, they like you that way or they don’t!
The tools tend to be one line solutions, and if there are other tools out there; they fall on the side of “Well, you have this really, really awesome gift of being single!” and it usually comes from someone who was never single, or has never had a problem with dating. Mind you, not one of these people ever want this “amazing gift”
Not ranting here, and holding my sarcastic / caustic tongue in a Godly place (that is something I am working on)
Tools? Show me where they are!
I wanted to take a moment to leave my first reply on this blog and this specific post was the one that drew me out to write. I have been reading this blog regularly and consuming as many of the posts that I can. The more I read, the more that applies to me as a male believer in Christ and my heart has been convicted and awoken many times just due to many specifics in the single guy’s life that I simply knew nothing about.
What Justin has written regarding men’s failure to act is very true. Not just their lack of acting, but for the reasons of doing so. As a guy who has been in this situation, it’s very hard to know when to step up and act by asking a woman out. I speak just for myself here, but it’s hard to know when a woman is single or available, let alone if such a lady has an interest in me. Where is the line between confidence in asking a lady out and just being ‘on the prowl’ per say?
There are a lot of unknowns here to many men who simply are not given the tools (as someone else so aptly mentioned) on how, when, and where to approach a lady to ask her out. This may be due to parents not raising and instilling in their sons the role of men to step up and be the initiator, to have a semi-thick skin to be able to handle rejection of a lady, but not so thin that such a rejection imobilizes us. This may also be due to the church as a whole not focusing on equipping single men with biblical confidence and tools.
I can only imagine the wonders that would result for single men and women, if married folk in the church took it upon themselves as a form of ministry to sit down with the single men and give them the real life advice of how to go about this. To hear first hand from married women believers who expected that level of confidence from men and to hear from the married believing husbands their own failures, how they addressed those failures and ended up at the point of marriage that they are at.
Personally for me, the realm of relationships has been my greatest struggle in life that I have yet to biblically master. As a single guy who is in my mid 30s, I have never married and have only been in two dating relationships my entire life. Both of those happened after i was 29. My own relationship life has been dominated by fear, usually the fear of inadvertently hurting the lady, the fear of the unknown as I learned my relationship footing, or unbiblical fear of “the wrong choice”. That fear cost me both relationships.
Where did that fear in me come from? Being more specific than the mouth of satan and the pits of hell, that fear came from being raised in a home that considered romance, relationships, and everything there of to be taboo and ‘sinful’. That romantic relationships and the display there of was akin to the infamous dirty s word… sex. As well as living in an area where there is no church that lifts up and exhaults Christ! It’s kind of hard to exercise tools of asking women out when there are no believers in Christ to pursue!
Thus when left to my own without instruction, teaching, and being equipped in this area of life, I can say I was left to be very fearful of the unknown. While I have learned a lot (thanks to Christian sites, sermons, and blogs like this) many of those fears I’ve overcome. However if there was one thing I could ask of women… please let us men know how women express interest in us men? I know if given an opportunity I would love to ask a lady out, but it’s hard to know just what to look for if a lady is indicating subtly she’s interested.
hmm, good question…
How do we as ladies, express interest in a guy?
That’s rather complex, but one thing is if she listens to you more. But then, she could also be polite. Eye contact, shyness, are also vague signals, but I think if they want to hang out, if they want to spend time with you, alone or in a group, it is a sign of attraction, but it’s something both of you need to pursue and talk about. Keyword: Just talk to her. Just talk with him, I should say this to myself as well, as I’ve always had the same fear of approaching people I do like.
Even as someone who is not a practicing Christian, I agree completely with you. My boyfriend is very meek, very agreeable. I have always been the type that would make the first move in a relationship. I have no problem asking a guy out. As our relationship has progressed, however, he has not grown. He has trouble taking initiative in everything – his job, his to-do list, his love life.
About a month ago, I issued an ultimatum. To figure out what he wants to do, what he wants in a future. He has made very little progress, and I feel like I will always have to push him to do the things I need. Do I wait for him to “man up” or do I let him go?
Eventually people get sick of waiting on others. Honestly, if you choose to wait, put a timeline on the waiting. But I will say, immaturity takes a LOT of forms, you may do better, you may do worse. But sometimes it’s God teaching patience to us. But other times, we need to know when to walk away. We also need to know ourselves enough to know our own faults as well, instead of merely pointing out faults in others. Even if you fault him for not taking initiative, it may be fear, or his lack of growth in other areas. Emotional growth is hard to gauge, so it’s hard to just leave without a plan, but sometimes that’s what is best for you and for them and for the rest of those close to you.
Hey Beth
Here are my thoughts – and that’s all they are. Obviously don’t know you or him personally.
I wouldn’t begin to tell you what to do. Every situation is different. Here’s my question. Do you know what you want? Are you looking to get married or just have a boy friend?
If you want to get married, I’d advise that you not marry someone that you don’t respect. I think the wife has to respect her husband or they are in trouble.
Everyone has insecurities. Why is insecurity only a disqualifier for men? And why does dating revolve around women? The Bible does not specifically command men to make the first move or forbid women from doing so, and women are not entitled to relationships anymore than we are.