When I was a younger single guy, one of the things I just could not understand was why women always chose against the nice guy. I after all was a nice guy. But no matter what women said about what they wanted, they always chose guys who didn’t fit that category. I’ve touched on this in a couple of places, but today I want to address the nice guy and why it doesn’t work.
First, the premise is wrong. What we are really assuming (we being the nice guy) is that we are better (somehow less sinful) than someone else. This throws us into allegiance with the oldest son in the story from Luke 15. That is not the company we want to be in.
But even if we don’t judge the non-nice guys we are still fooling ourselves.
The truth is that being nice is just as much an angle as any other approach. What it comes down to is no one is actually that nice. In other words if I’m being nice to a woman because I want her to like me, well how is that any different than any other manipulative move?
Let’s take the giving flowers thing for example. I started a new policy on flowers a few years ago. I don’t give flowers to someone to get them to like me. Never. I don’t do it because we got in a fight, and I want the woman to like me again (classic nice guy move). I only give flowers to care about the woman, without any other motive. Do you see what I’m saying? If I’m being “nice” to seek the woman’s approval, I’m screwed. Either she will think I’m a wuss and bail, or maybe worse, she will dominate me.
In other words if I’m being nice to get the girl to like me, that’s not all that nice.
To make matters worse, women are typically not attracted to the nice guy. The reason is because women don’t want a guy who follows them around. They want someone who can be a man and lead. They may not even consciously know this, but instinctively they know it. Get this line right here – “If you can’t stand up to her, you will not be able to stand up for her”. Seriously think about it. Women are subconsciously testing this out all the time. And to top it off, nice guys are boring because they always want to do what the woman wants. Women don’t want to be bored – they want adventure. They want a guy who is strong and not afraid of them. Again if you are afraid of them, you can’t protect them and that is not attractive.
Now that’s not to say women don’t want a “good” guy. There’s a difference. It’s critical actually. Think about Jesus. No one, and I mean no one who met Jesus thought, “hey Jesus, he’s a pretty nice guy.” No! People thought Jesus was a good guy but anyone who hung around Him knew He was not a wuss, and not “nice”. They’d seen His power, daring, leadership, and adventure. Like the famous line in C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia when the kids ask if the lion Aslan is safe and the beaver replies, “Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good.” Jesus was good and He was loved and hated. He stood up for the right stuff. He knew who He was.
Here’s the difference when it comes to dating. Nice guys are worried about what the woman thinks. Will she like me? Will she be mad at me? The good guy worries about what is right – and tries to do it, regardless of the what the woman wants.
Adam was nice in the garden – he should have been good. He should have stood up to Eve.
Women instinctively know the difference.
How do you know if you are a nice guy? Here are some clues. You are afraid of what women think of you. You can’t approach a woman you want to talk to. You are always in the “friend zone”. You are told by women you want to date, “You’re a great guy but. . . ” You buy gifts for women that you are not in a relationship with. You don’t understand what makes women attracted to a “bad” guy.
I’ll be writing more about how to kill the nice guy later – it can be done, I’ve done it, twice actually (he came back to life – pesky son of a gun), but the first step is recognizing it. By the way, this is important even if you are called to singleness or for that matter if you are already married.
So fellas, are you a “nice guy”? Ladies, am I wrong here?