A few years ago I was talking with this woman I liked, when she said, “You know what, I’m so tired of Christian guys.” I laughed, cringed, and completely understood what she meant.
She didn’t mean that she wanted to date/marry an unbeliever or that she didn’t love Jesus. She meant that she was tired of the over thinking, over spiritualizing, over nice acting “Christian” guys, of which at the time I was one.
Now, to be sure, this girl had her own issues. But the fact remains, we have a real problem within the Christian community when it comes to dating. It’s everybody’s fault.
We (meaning the Church big picture) have this extremely weird double standard going on where we tell guys to be basically be nice and get in line, while following all the guys who don’t. We say don’t date around, don’t ask anyone out if you don’t know you can marry them, guard the girl’s heart, but oh by the way – lead. What the heck?!
What we’ve created is a whole lot of nice guys that don’t act. And when they do act they end up doing so in a weak way.
I used to be completely frustrated at the fact that the “bad guy” would always somehow have the girl, and I, who was of course the “good guy” didn’t. But while it’s true that some of these guys were bad, what most of them were was confident, regardless of their goodness or badness. I on the other hand, when I really liked someone, was not.
When it comes to being attractive to females, confidence is perhaps the single most important factor. Not even a lot of females can name this, but it’s a fact. It’s more important in terms of initial attraction than just about anything including but not limited to: looks, money, spirituality, brains, ambition, drive or sexual prowess. Although all those things both affect and are affected by confidence.
Women describe this different ways but it is core to what they are looking for. They want, “someone who knows who they are”, “who knows what they want”, or “who is comfortable in their own skin”. However they describe it they are attracted to it – they respect it. And respect is the key.
We as men, have to get a handle on this, and most of us don’t. We think we do, but we really don’t. It takes some real courage to confront our lack of confidence.
I’m not talking about arrogance. Although, arrogance is more attractive than boring or weak. It is more attractive than fearful (although most arrogant people are masking fear). And this is important: Passivity is not the opposite of Arrogance. Humility is. And humility is not about being weak.
It’s more than semantics. Humility is not interchangeable with weakness, meekness, or passiveness. You cannot be insecure and humble at the same time.
Yes Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth. But meek as we mean it in our culture (tame, mild, bland, unambitious are given as synonyms) is not what Jesus meant. He was none of those things. That verse does not mean the scared and passive will inherit the kingdom. And they for sure will not inherit a wife.
It’s a double whammy. Confident guys get dates because they are attractive to women, and because they are confident enough to ask. They act because they are less afraid.
But here’s the best part, a lot of Christian spokesmen seem to think the answer is telling the non-cofident guy to man up. That is completely ridiculous. What we need to do is two things.
First we need to help guys dig deeper into why they are insecure and passive to begin with. The spokespeople don’t like this because it requires actual work instead of just sounding cool in a sermon or book. But it’s essential. We have to figure out why we are scared. What is it that makes us insecure around the women we want to pursue. Actually at a broader view – what makes us insecure anywhere. Where is that coming from?
Jesus was not insecure and if we are going to follow Him then that means facing our insecurities and growing out of them. As a side benefit, as we do, we become more attractive. Growth is hard work, but I promise you this – Growth is Hot. Dead serious.
Secondly, we need to give men tools in interacting with women. Here’s why. Men are afraid of what they don’t know how to do. We loathe failure. So if I’ve spent most of my life not knowing what to do with women, guess what – I’m going to be insecure in that area.
All men are confident in what they know how to do and unconfident in what they don’t know about. Therefore if we want Christian guys to have confidence and “man up” as it were, then we need to give them the tools, not just a pep talk.
I’ll have more to say about his later this week, but for today let me leave you with a couple of questions.
When are you confident? When are you not? When is the first time you can remember being passive? Do you have the tools to pursue and marry a woman?