Have you ever had this happen? You meet someone and you are instantly attracted. You go out a couple of times and then you become less attracted. Now there can be a lot of reasons for this. Instant attraction is only a starting point and as you get to know someone you usually need to become more drawn to them as a whole.
But part of the problem is that our culture have somehow combined consumerism and sexuality.
We are constantly “trading up” for the next best thing (especially us Apple folks). We use it and toss it – or at best recycle it. We don’t save or reuse much of anything. This is in our head and affects our way of thinking.
Along with that we are constantly inundated with sexual images. It’s everywhere. . . all the time. A friend once said, “I’d just like to be able to check my email without seeing a half naked chick.” No doubt. This isn’t just a porn thing, although that exasperates the problem. It’s all around us. The checkout line, the sideline, heck even the burger line. Even worse, for the most part these aren’t even real images. They are doctored to be “perfect”. If you haven’t seen the incredible perspective on this from Cameron Russell you should watch it.
This kills us because we are in a constant state of comparison shopping.
Comparison is an Enemy of Attraction.
Driscoll talks about that when you are married, your wife should be your standard of beauty. He’s right on in that particular analysis. You have to fight for that. But as a single person this creates all sorts of dilemmas.
For starters what should my standard be? How attracted do I need to be? I mean we are kind of attracted to all sorts of people. Should I just be attracted enough? On the one hand, realistically, you are not going to pursue someone you are not attracted to. On the other hand, no one is going to be 100% attractive all the time. Not to mention that how fired up we are totally affects how we view someone. If we have the “in love” eyes we can make anyone look good.
This is actually a good thing. But in today’s culture of comparative shopping (dating) it lasts for a lot shorter period. There will always be someone else and if your standard is the image you see everywhere, well then you are never going to get married, because that’s not real.
So how the heck do we fight this thing. It’s one thing to know it – we all know it. It’s another thing to actually engage and fight against it.
First you need to honestly ask yourself what your standard is. What are you comparing everyone to? If it is the ideal image you need to start to do whatever it takes to change that. A quick note here – if you are looking at porn it will affect your ideal image. It does a lot of other things as well, all bad, but it for sure does that.
Secondly, you need to quit looking at women and start talking to them. I don’t think I can stress this enough. When you get past the “she’s so hot” stage you’ve got a whole other ball game going on.
Next, if you are initially attracted that means they are attractive. Now you may get to know them and be turned off by personality or whatever but that is not what i’m talking about. She is still attractive. What’s funny about this too is that every woman has like a thousand faces and moods. Beauty is influenced from so many different things. It comes from the inside, not just the outside. Want to see an attractive woman? – Love her well.
One other thing to do is flip the script and just start with the idea that the person you are with is most attractive to you. As you date longer this will be about way more than physical or initial attraction. Just start to realize that no one else is better for you. This begins to move us toward what Driscoll is trying to get at as we move away from consumerism to commitment. Sometimes initially you have to hang in there, especially if you have been hardwired to compare and consume.
What is your standard of beauty? What do you compare the people in your life to? Are you stuck in comparison dating?