From about 7th grade until I was in my mid 30’s (man I hate admitting this), I had a huge thought that ran through my head when it came to dating. It was basically, “I can’t get the girl I really like to like me.” Now granted in 7th grade, no girls (whether I liked them or not) liked me – ha. But as I went into high school there was always THE girl that I wanted. Kind of adolescent version of THE ONE. If I could somehow be “good enough” then THE girl would like me and my world would be complete.
When I got to college this changed because I just dated people and wasn’t looking for THE ONE. But after college it came back. There would be someone that I liked that I couldn’t pursue, or more often that just wasn’t interested in me. There were other people who liked me – but not the “right” people so to speak. So I wasn’t unlikeable, which I guess was good, but I couldn’t seem to get the girl I was all about.
I’ve had a lot of people tell me similar stories. There are a lot of reasons for this. Part of it is we are playing with a narrow field. I mean you want to date someone you are actually attracted to and get along with, who also loves Jesus and has some sort of similar direction in life. It’s a smaller target area to a degree than a lot of our culture. Add to this that as believers we are not looking for the “hook up” (at least hopefully not) and the pressure mounts.
So as guys, what happens is when we finally see someone who seems to fit all the categories, we choke. We end up thinking about this person way too much and give her this power over us that she should not have – and if we really got to know her that she would not have. We stop being ourselves and become passive or nice. Which is why these women are never attracted to us. We end up thinking too much or strategizing for the right moment, or we become “friends” with them. All of this makes me want to vomit, mainly because I spent so much time there.
If you are thinking that only the “wrong” women like you, then you are the problem.
You are acting differently around the people you really like. The women you don’t like are attracted to you because around them, you are yourself. You lead, and stand up for stuff. Women like that. But when you get around someone you really like you can’t do it.
If you don’t change this, you will never get married because you probably won’t marry someone you are not attracted to and excited about, and you won’t be able to get the women who you are attracted to.
You have to get out of your head. If you are having pretend conversations or thoughts about a person, you are done. It’s over. It’s not going to happen and certainly not the way you are pretending it will. Worst of all, she is not the person you have made up in your head. It’s not real. Stop it. Seriously. Ask God to kill the pretend.
We build up the woman we like into something not real. But she’s an actual person who -as awesome as she is – sweats, bleeds and even poops just like you. So stop being scared. Look, if you think she is not going to be interested in you, she won’t be.
Stop looking at her and start talking to her.
You have to act. The longer you delay, strategize, etc, the deeper hole you are digging for yourself. My opinion is that you have only a one to one look at/talk to ratio. In other words once you’ve made eye contact you have to act – ideally in about 30 seconds. If you don’t, you send one of two messages – 1. you are not interested in meeting her or 2. you are scared of her – and worse, you’re now deeper in your own head.
Even if all you do is introduce yourself that’s great – in fact typically that’s better. We are going to get into some technique stuff later, not so that we can all be Casanova but because no one in the church is helping us guys figure this out (I promise this is coming soon). But the number one way to kill the pretend and/or stop being afraid of her, is to talk to her. I promise, she’s a real person – who could actually like you.
So can you get the one you like to like you? What goes through your head when you are attracted to someone?