Ever since I was a little kid it seems like there was always ONE girl that I liked. And this didn’t have to be a girl I knew well, just the one that I wanted. This lasted all the way through high school, kind of changed in college (I mean target rich environment right?) and then returned for my twenties.
In a lot of ways this is similar to what I talked about a few months ago about there not being THE ONE. This idea that if I can just get “this girl” to like me or be with me then everything will be right. This is not good. That’s called an idol. The idea that if I can just get this or that, things will be right. Bad news.
It also crushes any hope of actually dating that person because you end up caring too much which in turn makes you unattractive. It also keeps you from seeing other potential people around you, because you are so focussed on that one person. If I could change anything about my high school (and to some degree later) dating experience it would be that I wouldn’t get so focussed on one person, that frankly I usually didn’t even know that well. Looking back there were other just as attractive people that would have gone out with me.
You shouldn’t get focussed on one person until you are actually dating that person (obviously at this point you should be). It puts too much pressure on you and them. It distorts the image of this person and makes them more of a goal or object than a person to get to know. Even if you “got” this person you’d be in trouble because they’d have all the power, and you can’t love someone who you need constant approval from. It also can make you pass on others that you should not be passing on.
Here’s what we need to get in our head: There Is Always Someone Else. Always.
Now you would think that I would have figured this out a lot earlier than I did. I mean in middle school I was obsessed with one person. Then in early high school there was a different person, and in later high school yet another. There’s always been another. Hmmm.
Look, I don’t care how hot she is, how much you like her, how perfect you would be together, there will always be someone else. To have a chance you have to keep this in mind, otherwise every time that you meet someone you like you’ll try too hard, push too much and/or not know when/if to walk away. But if you know there will be someone else, then you can relax and be yourself because if it doesn’t work out, you guessed it, there will be someone else.
I don’t care how old you are either, or how long you’ve waited, or how tired you are of being single – there will be someone else. If you get this in your head, there really is no fear. Go get rejected, no big deal, there will be someone else. Seriously. I know it sounds kind of cold but it’s actually vital. Even if you find someone you want to marry. This is what makes you free to choose to marry that person. If I know that there would be someone else then I can choose not be with anyone else but instead to be with only this person (sounds kind of like a wedding vow huh?). Be sure you understand that you’re not choosing this person because they are THE ONE. You are choosing to make this person the ONLY ONE.
Gentlemen, this is why I keep urging you to get in the game, to get out there by any means necessary, to engage with women, to learn how to quit being nice and learn how to be attractive. The more you know that there will be someone else, the more free you are to pursue anyone you want. The more you think there is not someone else, the less you will be able to pursue anyone at all.
There’s a flip side here obviously. You can use this knowledge to treat people how you want, or wait for someone “perfect”, or figure why commit all because there’ll be someone else – I get that, and that post is coming asap. But I think any honest assessment of most single guys I’ve known (including me) would show this is a huge deal. It is killing us. It leads to chasing instead of pursuing, not being able to get out there at all, or even marriages that are set up to fail.
If you’ve been single a while (and heck maybe especially if you’ve been married a while), you know this is true intellectually. You’ve lived it – but do you live out of it? Most truth is that way. We know it but we don’t live out of it. That’s the battle, but it’s one we have to engage.
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This really speaks to me. This is how I’ve looked at women and it does crush you when it doesn’t work out the way you wanted. Thanks for the article. Your site offers great insight and comfort as well.
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I cannot sufficiently express through this message how helpful and well written and impactful this article is. If we as men pursuing one women can just come to grips with the fact that if you don’t get her, there will always be someone else, it would make life so much easier. We tend to obssess over the one we are pursuing and forget this reality — at lease I do. Thank you for this. Sincerely.
“There will always be someone else.” Many years ago, I had my first crush at 15. I believe I told my mentor just that was my biggest fear: I would think she was special – perhaps even feel love for her – only then to find someone else! So I would become fool and liar; the same shallow, “hit and quit” mentality my brother displayed, and that I grew up despising! My mentor responded with her belief that I would always be a “one-girl guy.” Perhaps that is the reason I remain single in my mid-30s — a life-long distaste for casual or serial dating. Then there is also the ultra-idealistic strain that grew to dominate my personality.