One of the complaints I hear all the time from men (and that I used to make all the time) is that women, and in our case Christian women, always seem to choose the bad guy over the good guy. If you are a consistent reader hear then you know that I would say that is the wrong view of a real issue.
Here is what women do – they choose the guy they are attracted to over the one they aren’t.
There are a lot of men who say that women should date them because they can be a great husband, are trying to be godly etc, even though they are not, for whatever reason attractive to women. I would ask that guy, are you asking out women you know to be godly that you are not attracted to? I’m guessing no.
So rather than sit around and complain, maybe we should think about what is attractive and work on it.
This leads us right back into something that I’ve written about before but I want to address in a different way. If “nice” guys are not attractive, why do we continue to be nice and how do we keep getting into that spot.
If we are the nice guy, chances are that we will keep getting friend zoned by women. Maybe eventually a woman, after being with enough “not nice guys” will decide to choose the nice guy, but usually that leads to a marriage that isn’t super successful either.
Today I want to talk about why we think we should be or need to be nice. Later I want to talk about how to get out of it.
There are lots of reasons that men, especially Christian men, fall into the “nice” trap. Here are a few.
We think that if we are nice, that it will be reciprocated.
This of course isn’t actually being nice for niceness sake. It’s being a player in it’s own way. In other words I like the girl so I’ll be really nice. I’ll meet her needs. I’ll buy here stuff. I’ll listen to her problems and “minister” to her. And if I help her enough, surely she will want to be with me. Except that she won’t. And if she does it won’t be because you did those things. Forgetting the fact that this is just as manipulative as any other “game” move, it is not typically effective.
The Church has taught men that if they are nice (or Godly or servants or . . .), women will be attracted.
Making matters worse is the fact that most in the church teach their men this. They say, serve the woman, protect the woman, rescue the woman, listen to the woman. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do those things. But what I am saying is that those things will not make you attractive to her. And getting mad about it won’t change that.
You cannot serve your way to attraction. You cannot buy your way to attraction.
I know you’ve seen the romantic movies (made for women) where the guy buys the flowers or rescues the damsel. But go back and re-watch those movies. When was the girl attracted? Seriously. Think about it.
Often we think that we can “save” the girl and if we do then she will want to be with us. I know I thought this a lot. But it just doesn’t work that way. Look, the hero isn’t attractive because he is nice – he’s attractive because he is strong, brave, and doesn’t need anything back from the person he’s saving.
We equate being nice with being good.
This is a false dichotomy. Nice does not always equal good. You see someone doing something wrong. What’s the nice get along thing to do? What’s the right thing to do?
Jesus was not nice . . . at all really. He was for sure good. He called out stuff. He was fully confident in who He was. He didn’t need anything from anyone other than God. Remember in The Chronicles of Narnia? Aslan (the Jesus character) was a lion for heaven’s sake. Not safe, but good. There’s a difference.
We are scared.
Finally the reason a lot of guys are nice is because they are afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of not being liked. Afraid of conflict. Afraid of tension.
This fear causes many men to not approach women at all. It causes others to do it extremely poorly. It also causes husbands to not lead their wives. Avoiding conflict and tension with women is a terrible plan. I had a mentor who said that most men are afraid of their wives. Look around you and tell me it’s not true. Happy wife, happy life right? Really what we mean is don’t deal with crap and then we won’t fight.
I’m not saying be an a-hole. What I’m saying is that being nice while expecting reciprocation is not really nice. Being nice to get the girl is horrible plan. Being nice and being good are not the same and being nice to avoid “trouble” is not healthy.
Gentlemen I get it. I really do. I was the nice guy to the women I liked for almost two decades. What’s funny is that I’m not really that nice. But I was nice to them. You know what that did for me? Nothing. I honestly don’t think it served those women. It for sure didn’t help me get married.