Category Archives: Marrieds and Singles Together

Are You Dating Anyone?

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There’s a group of older business men that I get the opportunity to meet with a few times a year.  These are men that I look up to and frankly most of the time I have no business being in the room, but hey they like me, and if they invite me there is no way I’m not showing up.

But a funny thing happens every single time.  After all the hand shakes and back slaps as we sit down with a drink or cigar or whatever, when the conversation turns to me the first question every time is “Are you dating anyone?” or “So hows the love life?” It’s always without fail the first question.  Now these guys love me and they are genuinely interested. They’re not just making small talk.  They are being intentional and asking for real, which I appreciate and am honored by.

However, I feel like this is often the first question married people ask single people in Christian community.  And if its not the first question you almost never leave without it being asked.  There’s this assumption that if I’m single then I must be wanting to be married and I must be wanting to talk about it.

There are some serious problems with this.  First of all while most single people do desire a spouse, it is not all that we are thinking about and doing with our life.  For example I have a lot going on in my ministry and in other areas of my personal life.  It would be nice to be asked how some of that was going first.  Heck ask me about my new car or how is stuff at my house.  Part of this by the way is that we never ask each other the deep questions like how we are doing with Jesus, what are we fearing right now, what is hurting us or firing us up etc.  We like to ask the easy questions. (Are you dating anyone is often an “easy” question as is how’s the wife and kids – especially when really we often don’t want the real answers)

Secondly we as singles have to fight against having our identity in our singleness.  We have to fight to follow Jesus first and have our identity in that – let’s talk about that.  We need your help here.  We have a lot going on besides our desire to be married – ask us about it.

Now before you go being mad at married people for asking this question all the time it’s a good idea to ask yourself if that is what you always talk and think about.  If it is always what seems to be most important to you, then the people who love you will always be asking you about it first.

What I’ve realized with these men is that over and over again it’s what I’ve brought to them. In fact they have walked with me through a lot of my relationships and lack there of.  If when they ask me how I’m doing, I always lead with that area of my life, then I have no right to be frustrated by the fact that they always ask about it.  In truth there have been many seasons in my life where the “search” has dominated my thoughts, emotions, and identity. I’ve set them up to ask about that first.

The point here isn’t that we don’t need to spend time talking about this area of our life because we most certainly do.  It’s just that we need to ask more questions about more things.  We need to have some conversations where we don’t talk about it all.  We need to not fall into a default mode of talking about dating and/or lack of dating and therefore accidentally defining ourselves or others by it.  Single people need to not be defined by singleness and to be honest married people need to not be defined by marriage.  We need to be defined by Jesus.

Married people – what do you ask your single friends about?  Single people – do you always lead with your dating life?

Assume You Don’t Know

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So a couple of years ago I was hanging out with a group of men that I respect a lot including one man who has mentored me for the last 15 years, which is how I got the invite. One guy, who actually mentors my mentor (following still?), cornered me and started a conversation.  He wanted to know how I was handling my sex drive as a single person.

Now here’s the thing, this is a big deal and something that we need people to hold us accountable for.  If we are dating someone we need someone who knows what we are doing.  No matter what, we need someone who can ask what we are doing in that area of our lives because guess what – you probably have a sex drive. But here’s the thing – it’s kind of a tricky question and sometimes it’s frustrating because half the time when a married person asks it you want to say – hey you just don’t get it.

But the beauty was how he asked it.  Here’s how it went.  He said basically, “I’m curious about something.  First let me say that I respect you a lot.  I mean I really do.  It can’t be easy being single and dealing with that.  I don’t understand it because I’ve kind of always been married.  But I respect you, and you are a complete person without marriage.  I believe that.  But tell me, what do you do with your sexual energy.  I’m seriously asking because I have no idea what you do with it?  Do you look at porn?  Do you masturbate? Are you able to use that energy in a way that honors the Lord?  Do you just work out? What do you do? When you are dating someone, how far do you go?”

Now there is so much right about the way that he asked me.  First of all he treated me as someone going through something that he wasn’t.  He didn’t pretend to have the answer and in fact assumed that he didn’t.  Second he honored me as a person. Finally he asked specific questions but in the context of the first two points and without judgement.  This of course is just a good way to ask questions but it can be especially helpful for married and single people holding each other accountable and walking together.

If we are going to walk together as marrieds and singles (which again as the church we’d better start figuring out how to do) then we need to start with humility.  Here’s the thing.  As a 39 year old single guy I’ve had several mentors in my life.  All of them – every single one – has been married. In fact none of them got married any later than 25.  But they have had huge impact on my walk with Christ as a single, and one of the reasons is that they don’t pretend to completely know what I’m going through.  Many times they’ve said, “Justin, I just have never been where you are but here’s what I think.”  At the same time I have had the privilege to pour into and mentor many married people – but I start with the premise of I don’t exactly get it.  I would say I have had impact on some of those marriages.

What if as marrieds and singles we started out with more humility?  What if instead of assuming that we get it all we assumed we didn’t?  What if as a married person you didn’t give your single friends all the easy answers but instead were genuinely interested in how they lived?  What if as single people we were genuinely interested in our friends’ marriages? What if we didn’t blow off each other’s thoughts just because we aren’t in the same demographic?

Fight For Their Spouse

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If we are going to be in community with married people one of the things we as single people need to do is learn how to fight for our friends marriages.  This is kind of tricky because typically (certainly not always) we are much closer to one of the two people. This makes it much easier to just listen and go along with them.  We need to dig deeper.  We bring a unique perspective and we need to use it.  We don’t have what they have and we ought to point that out occasionally.  We need to remind them of the gift they have.

It drives me crazy when guys complain about their wives.  Not because I don’t have one but because most of the time it’s just them not dealing with their own stuff.  Now there is nothing wrong with sharing everything about what is going on, including the hard stuff, with a couple of close friends – that is a good thing and sometimes you get it out there and then process through it.  That’s important.  But there is a big difference between that and randomly complaining about your wife, disparaging her, or using her as an excuse.

Guys do this subtly all the time.  “My wife won’t let me . . . ”  “Yeah get married and then you won’t have sex.” “Let me ask the Boss first?”  “I love my wife but. . . “, “Man, I want to do . . . but I’ve got to call my wife. Sigh”.  “I could do so much more (work, make money, ministry, etc), but . . ”  You get the idea – and that is the subtle stuff.  Worse is when they start airing dirty laundry or just straight up bad mouth her, (again huge difference between this and sharing hard stuff in a small group of trusted confidants). For free if you are married and reading this – You should never and I mean never bad mouth/bring up dirt about or otherwise disgrace your spouse in public.  I mean absolutely never.  Never.

Here is where we get to step in.  Often, I’ll say, something like “I’ll tell you what, I’ll trade you my (freedom, ability to golf that day, go out late, or whatever) for your wife and three kids.  Deal?”  Most of the time that will change the temper of the conversation.  The point here is that we need to stand up for their marriage and many times this means standing up to our friend.  And whatever you do don’t pile up on the spouse – horrible idea.  Sometimes their spouse is wrong and it’s good to acknowledge that, but also remind them that their wife is beautiful, that you like her, that even though it’s tough you believe in the couple.  Ask questions – be humble. “I’ve never been married, how does . . . work?  Really?  Interesting.”  We can help our friends love and appreciate their spouse more. And we can point them to Jesus – “Where is Jesus in all of this?”

By the way, wives know which guys are on their side.  You want to be on that list so that when your friend is struggling his wife says – “When are you hanging out with Justin, or let’s have Justin over.”  Of course your name is probably not Justin but you get the idea.

You can obviously switch all of the above around if you are a woman.  The point is the same.

Do you ever challenge your married friends statements about their spouse?

They’re Married Not Dead

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I was joking with friend the other day about wedding reception slide shows.  You know the scene right?  You walk in to the reception and there’s a picture slide show with all sorts of pics of the bride’s and groom’s life.  There are the baby pictures, the little kid pictures, the awkward middle school picture that everyone laughs at, and then there are the high school pictures (if the couple is younger – usually there’s an emphasis on the sport they played or something to that effect) and then finally the pictures of them together.  It’s like their life story in photos.  Now I know that the point is to show their life so far and now they are together (at least I think that’s the point – I’ve never put one of these things together).

There are only two other places you see a slide show like this.  Graduation parties and funerals. Here’s the thing – they got married.  They aren’t leaving.  They’re still here.  But often times it seems like they left.  Think about the toasts at these weddings.  The best man and maid of honor get up and talk about how great life “has been”.  Now the good toasts talk about the future together etc, but at a lot of weddings it’s treated more like the end of something than the beginning of something.

This is crazy of course.  When you get married you have not “arrived”.  For heaven’s sake you haven’t even started to arrive.  You are really just beginning a journey together.  Yes the whole situation and context is changed forever but it’s not time to disappear.

I’ve heard many single people say things like, “We were friends but then they got married,” and I’ve heard married people tell me that they got married and then all their single friends stopped calling them. This is not helpful.  Marriage changes the dynamics but too many friends separate when they get married.  That’s not friendship and frankly in most cases it’s not a good idea. You should be focussed on your new marriage but if you disappear then you can easily become isolated as a couple.  And guess what – couples need community too.

There is plenty of blame to go around here.  Most of it is a lack of communication.  Single and married people need to not abandon their friendships – which leads to everyone being lonely – instead they need to work on their friendships within the new context of marriage. 

Here’s the key – don’t make assumptions.  If you are single and your friends get married – give them a couple of weeks obviously, but call them.  Remember how you used to grab lunch – guess what your friend who is now married still eats.  Married people, don’t become completely marriage absorbed.  The world doesn’t all of a sudden revolve around your marital bliss.  We need to talk a lot more about how we can be in community together as marrieds and singles but it starts with getting rid of the premise that we are automatically separated.

Do you have a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while since your or their marital status changed?  Have you reached out?  Lately?  Really?