Sibling Interaction

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I find myself in all sorts of amazing random places.  About 10 years ago I was having a lunch meeting with a guy who I’ll just call an Old Testament Scholar, although that doesn’t even begin to describe the intensity and knowledge of this guy.  I was with him for about two hours and we had maybe 6 different very intense conversations.  I want to share just one.

We were in the car driving to lunch and talking about dating etc.  He asked me about my family and what siblings I had etc.  I told him I had two married parents and a younger sister and brother.  He said, “So you know that you are supposed to learn how to interact with the opposite sex in your family right?” Silence. He went on, “That’s where you first learn how to treat girls by how you see it in your family.  So how did that work in your family?”

Boom!  I was kind of in shock and we weren’t even to lunch yet.  But you know what, he was exactly right.  One of the reason’s many of us are single is that we don’t learn how to properly engage and interact with the opposite sex.  We need to think about this.

Now let me say that I came from a great family over all.  But this area was shaky.  I was the oldest and my sister was two years younger than me.  Now in many ways I was a pretty good brother, but when it came to honoring her as a girl, well, not so good.  I think this really started when we were little and we would play.  I of course always wanted something with competition (and since I was the oldest I set the rules ha). What would happen over and over was she would want to stop playing.  She just wanted to do something different.  But I would be mad – I would say she was quitting etc.  Here’s where the femininity thing came in.  My parents would always say she was younger, or tired, or something like that.  There was never really a sense of, “Hey she is a girl and girls might do something different.”  Not only that but most of the things that were applauded were guy centric stuff.  This put a lot of pressure on my sister and meant that I didn’t really learn to interact on her level.

This played out all sorts of ways later.  One big example I can think of is that for many years she had a horse.  She loved that horse.  She rode competitively and even had some events.  But, I never one time in all those years went with my sister to where her horse was kept, let alone went riding with her.  I had about zero investment in anything that my sister cared about.  In high school I distanced myself from her and certainly didn’t honor her.  I was not a good big brother, and it wasn’t expected.  I’m telling you that not learning how to interact well with her affected not being able to interact well with women.  And remember, I had a intact, solidly moral family.

How you interacted in your family as a kid affects how you interact with people now.  This includes your comfort level with the opposite sex.  It includes how you treat and understand the opposite sex.  It affects everything actually.

So how did your family interact?  How was femininity (and for that matter masculinity) treated in your household?  What was honored?

Assume You Don’t Know

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So a couple of years ago I was hanging out with a group of men that I respect a lot including one man who has mentored me for the last 15 years, which is how I got the invite. One guy, who actually mentors my mentor (following still?), cornered me and started a conversation.  He wanted to know how I was handling my sex drive as a single person.

Now here’s the thing, this is a big deal and something that we need people to hold us accountable for.  If we are dating someone we need someone who knows what we are doing.  No matter what, we need someone who can ask what we are doing in that area of our lives because guess what – you probably have a sex drive. But here’s the thing – it’s kind of a tricky question and sometimes it’s frustrating because half the time when a married person asks it you want to say – hey you just don’t get it.

But the beauty was how he asked it.  Here’s how it went.  He said basically, “I’m curious about something.  First let me say that I respect you a lot.  I mean I really do.  It can’t be easy being single and dealing with that.  I don’t understand it because I’ve kind of always been married.  But I respect you, and you are a complete person without marriage.  I believe that.  But tell me, what do you do with your sexual energy.  I’m seriously asking because I have no idea what you do with it?  Do you look at porn?  Do you masturbate? Are you able to use that energy in a way that honors the Lord?  Do you just work out? What do you do? When you are dating someone, how far do you go?”

Now there is so much right about the way that he asked me.  First of all he treated me as someone going through something that he wasn’t.  He didn’t pretend to have the answer and in fact assumed that he didn’t.  Second he honored me as a person. Finally he asked specific questions but in the context of the first two points and without judgement.  This of course is just a good way to ask questions but it can be especially helpful for married and single people holding each other accountable and walking together.

If we are going to walk together as marrieds and singles (which again as the church we’d better start figuring out how to do) then we need to start with humility.  Here’s the thing.  As a 39 year old single guy I’ve had several mentors in my life.  All of them – every single one – has been married. In fact none of them got married any later than 25.  But they have had huge impact on my walk with Christ as a single, and one of the reasons is that they don’t pretend to completely know what I’m going through.  Many times they’ve said, “Justin, I just have never been where you are but here’s what I think.”  At the same time I have had the privilege to pour into and mentor many married people – but I start with the premise of I don’t exactly get it.  I would say I have had impact on some of those marriages.

What if as marrieds and singles we started out with more humility?  What if instead of assuming that we get it all we assumed we didn’t?  What if as a married person you didn’t give your single friends all the easy answers but instead were genuinely interested in how they lived?  What if as single people we were genuinely interested in our friends’ marriages? What if we didn’t blow off each other’s thoughts just because we aren’t in the same demographic?

Most Sin Happens Alone

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Who knows the worst thing you’ve ever done?  Seriously.

One of the traps of singleness and especially (although not limited to) as you get older is that of isolation.  This affects all sorts of things.  What we’ve got to start realizing is that it is now normal to be 30 and single.  I’m not saying that is the way it is supposed to be (I’d lean no) but that is the reality.  Here’s a crazy number – In 1940, 59% of men and 68% of women between the ages of 20-34 were married.  In 2010 66% of men and 56% of women in that same age bracket have never been married.  That is a whole different ball game.

One of the advantages to being married, if you do it right and fight for your marriage, is that you have another person who is there ALL THE TIME.  Now sometimes, according to my married friends, this can be extremely difficult.  But it also has huge advantages – not the least of which is that you have someone who has seen you at your worst and stuck around anyway.

As a single person it is fairly easy to never have anyone see you at your worst.  Think about it.  You are set up to “get away with” sin.  Especially if you live alone, which according to Time Magazine 28% of Americans do (if 28% of Americans do – what % of singles would that be – it’s big).

Sin festers in isolation because it stays secret.  And if it’s secret it’s wrong. We end up rationalizing some sin, giving ourselves pep talks on others, and mostly feeling guilt ridden with most.  There is often no one to call us out, stop us from doing it, or walk us through it.  Sin is almost impossible to root out by ourselves.  We need people in our life who know the worst about us.  This is really, really hard to develop.

The only way this really changes is to have people that are in it with you no matter what. People that are more than just “running buddies” or “going out buddies”.  People that know everything, good and bad. The main reason most people don’t have this is that we are not intentional with it.  We don’t actually go to our friends and say let’s do life together. We don’t trust people will stay and of course half the time the last thing we want to do is actually deal with our sin in the first place.

We need more than a small group, bible study, or accountability group, although that is a great starting point.  But one or two things almost always happens.  Most people switch small groups at least every couple of years (which is fine – as long as this type of “in it togetherness” is not the goal) and/or they become a place where you can share stuff but no one actually does anything about it.  While these can be somewhat helpful at some point it dies out.

The first step is admitting that even though we are created for it, we don’t naturally gravitate towards this.  I think the second thing is to pray for it.  Then we have to actually engage it and fight for it when it presents itself.  Most people don’t have this because it’s hard, not because it isn’t possible.

Who knows everything about you?  If you died who could tell me everything about you, sin and all?  Is there anyone you can trust?  If so – engage it.  If not pray for it.  We can’t fight the battle against our flesh alone.  It will kill our heart, wreck or spirit, and limit our ministry.

Your Pastor Doesn’t Get It

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So as I mentioned I go to a church that is around 50% single.  We have a great lead pastor and a mentality that we can talk about almost anything from the pulpit.  Unlike most churches we even talk about sex as it relates to marrieds and singles.  We actually have “PG 13” sermons.  It’s one of the things that after 7 years I still appreciate.  Many churches never even mention this stuff and certainly not from the pulpit.

That said, they are fairly clueless beyond sex.  In fact I’ve never heard singleness mentioned in a sermon in which sex wasn’t mentioned.  Almost every example of a single person in a sermon has something to do with sex.  (For free – if all the single people would quit having sex – they’d quit talking about it).

This is mainly bad for what it doesn’t do.  It doesn’t address many of the traps for single people (loneliness, intimacy issues, bitterness, et. al.).  It doesn’t help married people in the church love their single friends. It doesn’t offer much to singles who are already not having sex. It doesn’t help single people feel equal to married people in the church.

But this post is not to rail on pastors.  I want us single people to step back and just realize that they don’t get it.  Some pastors don’t think anything about it but I think most do.  The problem is that most pastors have never been single.  Seriously.  Think about it.  Name the single pastors you know. Single pastor is almost an oxymoron. In fact name the pastors you know that got married after 25.  There just are not very many.

This is not to say that someone can’t teach on something that they haven’t experienced.  That’s a terrible argument.  But it helps to do one of two things before teaching on something – you either need experience or you need study it.  Most pastors have done neither.

It is far easier for me to counsel married friends than for my pastor to counsel single people.  For starters every single person has read books about marriage.  There are thousands.  Heck, you can even get a marriage book to match your theology.  Who do you like?  Piper, Keller, Eldrege, Jakes, Bell?  Everybody has one.  Ok, now name the book your married friends have read about singleness. Whoops  Secondly there are very clear scriptures about marriage – what it is, what it is for, what the roles are etc.  There is very little about singleness and most of it is interpreted wrong (teaser – future post).  The point is that I know way more about marriage (while I haven’t experienced it and I’m not claiming to “get it”) than most pastors know about singleness.

So what do we do with this?  Should we just be mad when our pastors don’t talk about singleness in a way that helps – That’s a waste of time. We’ll talk more about some of this but for starters we can:

1. Don’t tune out the marriage sermons – a proper understanding about marriage can save our butt as we navigate dating and the decision to marry.  And we all have married friends who need us to love them.

2. If we are in a position of leadership (you are serving right?) we can make suggestions that are helpful.  Earn the right to be heard – don’t yell from the cheap seats.

3. Cut your pastor some slack and realize that they love you even if they don’t get your situation.  Seriously – especially if they try.  Pastor’s hearts break for their people.  Trust me I know this to be true.

Kill The Pretend

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When I was a little kid I had a really active imagination.  In the same day I could be a soldier, Luke Skywalker, and Major League pitcher.  My stuffed animals all had different personalities.  As I got older I was the Missouri Tigers in the driveway winning the national title (talk about imagination).  As I got a little older I was me, playing for the Tigers.

Imagination as a little kid is vital.  Taking time out from reality creates great play and creates visions of who we can be.  It is good for a little kids’ emotional health.  However it can be our enemy as an adult. As an adult it can take away from reality – and for the most part, escaping from reality means not dealing with reality which is bad, bad news.

One of the huge traps of Singleness is isolation.  As a society as a whole we have become more and more isolated.  We drive to work alone, often work alone and here’s the kicker, as a single person we come home alone.  In fact the latest stats show that 28% of American adults live alone, and that number is rising.  I’m not saying living alone is always bad but it can be.  One of the results is that it is easier to slip into what I call “The Pretend”.  It is the world in our head that doesn’t actually exist.  It’s not real.

“The Pretend” includes all of our daydreams, speculation about what people are doing or thinking, and fake conversations with others (often with the person of the opposite sex we like) among other things. (By the way – for free – one of the ways to find out who you are not reconciled with is to ask “who do I have pretend arguments with in my head?”).  It also includes secret sexual thoughts that lead to fantasy, porn, and masturbation, etc.

Here’s the thing.  Besides being a colossal waste of time, it never turns out the way we speculate, most of it is bad, almost all of it is wrong, and none of it is real.

Now to be sure all people deal with this, married or single.  This isn’t just a singleness problem.  But one of the advantages of having a spouse, and especially kids, is that you are snapped back into reality over an over again.  You go home and there they are.  Now of course you can hide from your spouse or kids, plug in the ipod, jump on the internet etc.  You can definitely be physically present but emotionally and mentally absent.  But at least you have a physical person as an option.  You can choose to disengage but you can also choose right and engage.

But as a single person this can be even more of a battle.  There is no one there to snap you back to reality.  Once you head down the path of getting into your own head there is often nothing there to stop it.  I shutter to think of all of the time I’ve spent in the world of my head, in “the pretend”.

The cost of this is monumental.  It can cause us to miss the real stuff.  It can stress us out and tire our minds.  It can lead us further into isolation and escapism.  It can make us awkward around real people (especially around the opposite sex). It can keep us from engaging others and most importantly God.

We have to fight this – and it is a fight pure and simple. The road to victory is to engage.  We have to engage God. Several years ago I started praying against “the pretend”.  When I start to go there I just flat pray, “I come against “the pretend” in the name of Jesus.  Give me the real.  I want the real with you.”

 What if instead of speculating, or daydreaming we prayed.  Think about that.  Crazy right?!

We have to engage people.  The most sure way to not be awkward around someone is actually engage them.  We need to get out of our head and into the real.  This is one of the keys to mental health and it is a absolute necessity if we are to avoid the trap of isolation.

When do you go into your own head?  Does your “pretend” honor God?  Do you have anyone in your life who snaps you back to reality?

Fight For Their Spouse

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If we are going to be in community with married people one of the things we as single people need to do is learn how to fight for our friends marriages.  This is kind of tricky because typically (certainly not always) we are much closer to one of the two people. This makes it much easier to just listen and go along with them.  We need to dig deeper.  We bring a unique perspective and we need to use it.  We don’t have what they have and we ought to point that out occasionally.  We need to remind them of the gift they have.

It drives me crazy when guys complain about their wives.  Not because I don’t have one but because most of the time it’s just them not dealing with their own stuff.  Now there is nothing wrong with sharing everything about what is going on, including the hard stuff, with a couple of close friends – that is a good thing and sometimes you get it out there and then process through it.  That’s important.  But there is a big difference between that and randomly complaining about your wife, disparaging her, or using her as an excuse.

Guys do this subtly all the time.  “My wife won’t let me . . . ”  “Yeah get married and then you won’t have sex.” “Let me ask the Boss first?”  “I love my wife but. . . “, “Man, I want to do . . . but I’ve got to call my wife. Sigh”.  “I could do so much more (work, make money, ministry, etc), but . . ”  You get the idea – and that is the subtle stuff.  Worse is when they start airing dirty laundry or just straight up bad mouth her, (again huge difference between this and sharing hard stuff in a small group of trusted confidants). For free if you are married and reading this – You should never and I mean never bad mouth/bring up dirt about or otherwise disgrace your spouse in public.  I mean absolutely never.  Never.

Here is where we get to step in.  Often, I’ll say, something like “I’ll tell you what, I’ll trade you my (freedom, ability to golf that day, go out late, or whatever) for your wife and three kids.  Deal?”  Most of the time that will change the temper of the conversation.  The point here is that we need to stand up for their marriage and many times this means standing up to our friend.  And whatever you do don’t pile up on the spouse – horrible idea.  Sometimes their spouse is wrong and it’s good to acknowledge that, but also remind them that their wife is beautiful, that you like her, that even though it’s tough you believe in the couple.  Ask questions – be humble. “I’ve never been married, how does . . . work?  Really?  Interesting.”  We can help our friends love and appreciate their spouse more. And we can point them to Jesus – “Where is Jesus in all of this?”

By the way, wives know which guys are on their side.  You want to be on that list so that when your friend is struggling his wife says – “When are you hanging out with Justin, or let’s have Justin over.”  Of course your name is probably not Justin but you get the idea.

You can obviously switch all of the above around if you are a woman.  The point is the same.

Do you ever challenge your married friends statements about their spouse?

Don’t Save Yourself For Marriage

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Tell me if some of these things in the next paragraph sound familiar.

Treat the girl how you would want someone to treat your spouse.  Don’t see how far you can go – see what you can save until marriage. Give your virginity to your spouse on your wedding night. I’m saving myself for marriage.  Having sex outside of marriage will affect your sex life in your marriage – get in the way, make it harder to bond, make it less meaningful, etc. True love waits!

The list could on and on.  I’ve thought (heck I’ve even taught others) most of these things.  A lot.  But I think I was wrong.

Now obviously I’m not suggesting that we should all go out and have sex outside of marriage (Although that would explode my blog viewings – Ha).  I’m also not suggesting that most of the above list is not valuable to think about.  Many of those things are true.  Sex outside of marriage can affect your married sex life, it is better to not try to see what you can get away with and it’s important that if you are dating someone they might not be your spouse etc.

However as wise as many of these things seem I think they present a huge problem.  That problem is that they assume marriage at some point.  In fact marriage is the center point. It’s the idol. In other words the motivation is that you are going to get married, therefore save yourself for that.  It also assumes that your sex life in marriage will be good if you wait.  You might as well throw in “you could get an std, or get pregnant”.  At some point it’s not a good motivator.  It’s scare tactics dressed up in a positive way.  This is dangerous and irresponsible.

What if you don’t get married?  At what point, if your motivation is saving yourself for marriage, do you give up?  At age 25?  At age 30? 35?  If you knew you would never have a spouse – would it be ok to not save yourself?  And what if you’ve already had sex? At some point there will be a rationalization to quit waiting.

The problem is that none of it has anything to do with Jesus.  None of it.  But even when we bring Jesus into the picture it can often be bad.  Very easily we can turn it into God will love me more, help me more, bring me a spouse more quickly, etc. , if I don’t have sex.  Or we can turn it into rule following to either earn or keep God’s favor.

It’s not about waiting, it’s about following Jesus. The truth is, whether we ever get married or not, the most important thing is our walk with Jesus.  Sin, regardless of what kind, gets in the way.  And that needs to be our focus. How is what I’m doing loving Jesus? Following Jesus?  How does this area of my life honor God?  How does it advance the kingdom?

Marriage is not the goal.  Following Jesus is the goal.  If I follow in Him and I dont’ get married – great!  If I follow him and I do get married – great!

Don’t save yourself for marriage, Give yourself to God.

Are You An Adult?

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When I was 25 years old I was the director of a ministry.  One day I was driving with our committee chairman who was in his 50’s.  He was a mentor and was becoming a father figure to me.  We were calling on some donors together and as we drove along the subject switched to some of the decisions we needed to make.

This man turned to me and got serious.  He basically said, “You are the Director.  You know what to do.  It’s your job to tell me what to do and I’ll help make it happen.  You understand this work better than me.  You are the Director – you’re not a kid – I see you as our director.  You decide and we’ll make it happen.”

Now this was incredible are several counts not the least of which is the fact that this guy was a CEO of a major company.  But basically what he was saying was you are not a kid, you’re a man – decide.

One of the big problems in our culture, and the growth of singleness is both a cause and a result, is that we keep extending adolescence.  The latest studies now say that adolescence starts around 10 or 11 and goes to 26.  Really?!  26?!  Why not 30?  Here’s the deal – we worship youth and we want to live there forever.  And youth don’t get married.

This plays out in all sorts of bad ways.  Just to name a few: the 18 year old body is the example of beauty (and more and more the male body as well); we are able to go to school for seemingly forever – almost never on our own dime; we switch jobs all the time in our 20’s (gone are the days of earning your way up the ladder); we continue to “go out” and “party” because after all we are only young once.  When does young end exactly?  Apparently our job is to do everything we can to not end it.  I mean who would want to grow up?

While this can be a huge problem in marriage (and I mean huge), and just because you are married doesn’t make you mature (although somehow the church seems to think so within it’s mentoring programs – quick name the last time a single person was a mentor for a married person – more on that later), it is a recurring theme for single people.  There are people essentially using their singleness to extend their adolescence.  Other than MAYBE having a job, they are basically still living the same lifestyle, dating the same way, making the same decisions, playing the same video games, and thinking at the same level as they were at age 21.  That’s not going to work at age 30 – at least it shouldn’t.

Here’s a question – and I mean you really need to think about this – Do you see yourself as a grown up?  Seriously what is your answer to that?  I’m not trying to be harsh so don’t hear the question that way.  Take a deep breath. Hear me quietly and calmly asking you, “Do you see yourself as an adult?”

How you answer that affects everything.  Everything.

They’re Married Not Dead

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I was joking with friend the other day about wedding reception slide shows.  You know the scene right?  You walk in to the reception and there’s a picture slide show with all sorts of pics of the bride’s and groom’s life.  There are the baby pictures, the little kid pictures, the awkward middle school picture that everyone laughs at, and then there are the high school pictures (if the couple is younger – usually there’s an emphasis on the sport they played or something to that effect) and then finally the pictures of them together.  It’s like their life story in photos.  Now I know that the point is to show their life so far and now they are together (at least I think that’s the point – I’ve never put one of these things together).

There are only two other places you see a slide show like this.  Graduation parties and funerals. Here’s the thing – they got married.  They aren’t leaving.  They’re still here.  But often times it seems like they left.  Think about the toasts at these weddings.  The best man and maid of honor get up and talk about how great life “has been”.  Now the good toasts talk about the future together etc, but at a lot of weddings it’s treated more like the end of something than the beginning of something.

This is crazy of course.  When you get married you have not “arrived”.  For heaven’s sake you haven’t even started to arrive.  You are really just beginning a journey together.  Yes the whole situation and context is changed forever but it’s not time to disappear.

I’ve heard many single people say things like, “We were friends but then they got married,” and I’ve heard married people tell me that they got married and then all their single friends stopped calling them. This is not helpful.  Marriage changes the dynamics but too many friends separate when they get married.  That’s not friendship and frankly in most cases it’s not a good idea. You should be focussed on your new marriage but if you disappear then you can easily become isolated as a couple.  And guess what – couples need community too.

There is plenty of blame to go around here.  Most of it is a lack of communication.  Single and married people need to not abandon their friendships – which leads to everyone being lonely – instead they need to work on their friendships within the new context of marriage. 

Here’s the key – don’t make assumptions.  If you are single and your friends get married – give them a couple of weeks obviously, but call them.  Remember how you used to grab lunch – guess what your friend who is now married still eats.  Married people, don’t become completely marriage absorbed.  The world doesn’t all of a sudden revolve around your marital bliss.  We need to talk a lot more about how we can be in community together as marrieds and singles but it starts with getting rid of the premise that we are automatically separated.

Do you have a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while since your or their marital status changed?  Have you reached out?  Lately?  Really?

Haircut Intimacy

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A while back a thirty something friend of mine was sharing a thought he’d had while getting a hair cut.  He had just been in to the local Great Clips or whatever and a woman had cut his hair.  Now think about this situation for a minute.  You’re in the chair and the woman stylist throws the bib on you and goes to work.  Two interesting things happen here.

First she is talking to you the whole time.  She asks you about your day and do you have to go back to work.  She asks what you do and tells you that is a good job when you answer. She tells you some about her, she’s been doing this for years, or she is doing it temporarily and has bigger dreams.  “What are you doing this weekend?” she might ask or, “Did you see the Cardinal game?”  You are having a random conversation with woman.  For some guys I know this would be the longest conversation they have that month with a woman.

Secondly and more interestingly she is touching you the whole time.  She is touching your head.  She is cutting your hair yes but she is also combing it and measuring it.  Several times she brushes up against you with her arm or her body.  It just happens – it’s not on purpose or a move of any kind.  But still it’s physical touch.  Then she gets a look and tells you it looks good – and makes sure you feel the same way.  She’s right there, close, in your face.

My friend said this, “What I realized sitting there was that this was going to be the only time this month that I have any sort of female touch in my life”.  It is the closest thing to physical intimacy he was going to have. . . until the next haircut.

Is the Church’s best answer to this “Don’t have sex?”

Here’s the thing – we are going to need more than that.  This is one of the hardest things about trying to walk with Jesus as a single person.  We have to basically forgo physical intimacy.  And the worst part is that if you grew up without any (different post for another time) you are really hurting and awkward in that area.  This is such a hard deal that we don’t talk about.  We’re told all the things not to do – don’t touch, don’t think, don’t even look.  So what is it we are supposed to DO with that desire?  It’s not just sex we are giving up.  It is touch.  Sometimes for years. This leads to all sorts of traps, like isolation and awkwardness.

What do you do with your desire for touch?  Do you have anyone that you can even say that out loud to?

We’ve got to talk about this and create environments (proper ones) for conversation, community and even proper touch.  Proper touch – I laugh as a I type that – what does that even mean?  I don’t know but we need to figure it out.