Tag Archives: community

Quit Deciding Alone

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A few years ago I was in the midst of a major decision about my future.  I felt like it was time to move.  In the midst of this a job came open on another state.  I went and scoped it out and it was a pretty good situation.  But as good a it looked I just wasn’t sure.  So I brought it to my community.  We all spent time praying about it and I asked for their thoughts.  To a person they all said that they didn’t feel good about it.  Even though it made sense on paper I decided they were right and turned it down.  But we kept praying about it.  A few weeks later my boss called me and asked me to consider another job.  It was a harder scenario but still a lot of upside.  This time everyone was in agreement – take the job.  I took the job and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made personally and professionally.

I share this story because one of the traps of singleness is that too many times we make decisions alone.  One of the advantages to being married (assuming that you are trying to do it right) is that you have someone else in the decision process with you.  You kind of both have to come to agreement in order to move etc.  As a single person you are often on your own.  But it shouldn’t be this way and it doesn’t have to be.

We need community.  We need people that are in it with us.  I think we know this.  It’s important for so many reasons, not the least of which is we are sinful, as already discussed in the Most Sin Happens Alone blog. But in Christian community we kind of get the idea of accountability when it comes to sin.  However I don’t think we really get it when it comes to decision making.

We need counsel.  We need agreement.  In fact I want to go so far to say that we don’t really have community until we are making decisions together.  As long as I’m going to do decide alone regardless of what everyone else says then I’m not really in community. Accountability and community don’t happen without submission.  Making every decision on my own destroys community.

I don’t care how big the decision is, one of the first things to ask is, who is in agreement with this?  This of course has many benefits.  When I first took the new job it was a total mess.  But I knew that it was right because we had all agreed.  I mean I guess we could all be wrong but it’s a lot less likely.  This is why Jesus says,  “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”

The idea is that I need more than just myself listening to God.  I’m emotionally involved and it’s hard to hear clearly.  I need a team, a Justin team, to help me.  And when we are single this is just plain huge.  Think about this.  Who is your counsel?  Who if they told you no would you listen to? Have you ever decided no because everyone told you no?

This is actually really important to have even when you are married but at least then two of you have to agree.  Who knows everything about you?  Who knows your whole story, hopes, fears and all?  Who knows your finances and where you spend your money?  I know small groups that would talk about every sin but would never put their finances on the table.  This becomes extremely important in crisis.  Making decisions alone in crisis is a terrible idea but we do it all the time.

I get that this is hard.  It’s hard to find people who will be in with you at this level.  It’s hard because it takes humility and submission.  It’s just hard period.  But without it we are alone.  And even if we are called to be single, we are not called to be alone.

Are You Dating Anyone?

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There’s a group of older business men that I get the opportunity to meet with a few times a year.  These are men that I look up to and frankly most of the time I have no business being in the room, but hey they like me, and if they invite me there is no way I’m not showing up.

But a funny thing happens every single time.  After all the hand shakes and back slaps as we sit down with a drink or cigar or whatever, when the conversation turns to me the first question every time is “Are you dating anyone?” or “So hows the love life?” It’s always without fail the first question.  Now these guys love me and they are genuinely interested. They’re not just making small talk.  They are being intentional and asking for real, which I appreciate and am honored by.

However, I feel like this is often the first question married people ask single people in Christian community.  And if its not the first question you almost never leave without it being asked.  There’s this assumption that if I’m single then I must be wanting to be married and I must be wanting to talk about it.

There are some serious problems with this.  First of all while most single people do desire a spouse, it is not all that we are thinking about and doing with our life.  For example I have a lot going on in my ministry and in other areas of my personal life.  It would be nice to be asked how some of that was going first.  Heck ask me about my new car or how is stuff at my house.  Part of this by the way is that we never ask each other the deep questions like how we are doing with Jesus, what are we fearing right now, what is hurting us or firing us up etc.  We like to ask the easy questions. (Are you dating anyone is often an “easy” question as is how’s the wife and kids – especially when really we often don’t want the real answers)

Secondly we as singles have to fight against having our identity in our singleness.  We have to fight to follow Jesus first and have our identity in that – let’s talk about that.  We need your help here.  We have a lot going on besides our desire to be married – ask us about it.

Now before you go being mad at married people for asking this question all the time it’s a good idea to ask yourself if that is what you always talk and think about.  If it is always what seems to be most important to you, then the people who love you will always be asking you about it first.

What I’ve realized with these men is that over and over again it’s what I’ve brought to them. In fact they have walked with me through a lot of my relationships and lack there of.  If when they ask me how I’m doing, I always lead with that area of my life, then I have no right to be frustrated by the fact that they always ask about it.  In truth there have been many seasons in my life where the “search” has dominated my thoughts, emotions, and identity. I’ve set them up to ask about that first.

The point here isn’t that we don’t need to spend time talking about this area of our life because we most certainly do.  It’s just that we need to ask more questions about more things.  We need to have some conversations where we don’t talk about it all.  We need to not fall into a default mode of talking about dating and/or lack of dating and therefore accidentally defining ourselves or others by it.  Single people need to not be defined by singleness and to be honest married people need to not be defined by marriage.  We need to be defined by Jesus.

Married people – what do you ask your single friends about?  Single people – do you always lead with your dating life?

Assume You Don’t Know

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So a couple of years ago I was hanging out with a group of men that I respect a lot including one man who has mentored me for the last 15 years, which is how I got the invite. One guy, who actually mentors my mentor (following still?), cornered me and started a conversation.  He wanted to know how I was handling my sex drive as a single person.

Now here’s the thing, this is a big deal and something that we need people to hold us accountable for.  If we are dating someone we need someone who knows what we are doing.  No matter what, we need someone who can ask what we are doing in that area of our lives because guess what – you probably have a sex drive. But here’s the thing – it’s kind of a tricky question and sometimes it’s frustrating because half the time when a married person asks it you want to say – hey you just don’t get it.

But the beauty was how he asked it.  Here’s how it went.  He said basically, “I’m curious about something.  First let me say that I respect you a lot.  I mean I really do.  It can’t be easy being single and dealing with that.  I don’t understand it because I’ve kind of always been married.  But I respect you, and you are a complete person without marriage.  I believe that.  But tell me, what do you do with your sexual energy.  I’m seriously asking because I have no idea what you do with it?  Do you look at porn?  Do you masturbate? Are you able to use that energy in a way that honors the Lord?  Do you just work out? What do you do? When you are dating someone, how far do you go?”

Now there is so much right about the way that he asked me.  First of all he treated me as someone going through something that he wasn’t.  He didn’t pretend to have the answer and in fact assumed that he didn’t.  Second he honored me as a person. Finally he asked specific questions but in the context of the first two points and without judgement.  This of course is just a good way to ask questions but it can be especially helpful for married and single people holding each other accountable and walking together.

If we are going to walk together as marrieds and singles (which again as the church we’d better start figuring out how to do) then we need to start with humility.  Here’s the thing.  As a 39 year old single guy I’ve had several mentors in my life.  All of them – every single one – has been married. In fact none of them got married any later than 25.  But they have had huge impact on my walk with Christ as a single, and one of the reasons is that they don’t pretend to completely know what I’m going through.  Many times they’ve said, “Justin, I just have never been where you are but here’s what I think.”  At the same time I have had the privilege to pour into and mentor many married people – but I start with the premise of I don’t exactly get it.  I would say I have had impact on some of those marriages.

What if as marrieds and singles we started out with more humility?  What if instead of assuming that we get it all we assumed we didn’t?  What if as a married person you didn’t give your single friends all the easy answers but instead were genuinely interested in how they lived?  What if as single people we were genuinely interested in our friends’ marriages? What if we didn’t blow off each other’s thoughts just because we aren’t in the same demographic?

Most Sin Happens Alone

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Who knows the worst thing you’ve ever done?  Seriously.

One of the traps of singleness and especially (although not limited to) as you get older is that of isolation.  This affects all sorts of things.  What we’ve got to start realizing is that it is now normal to be 30 and single.  I’m not saying that is the way it is supposed to be (I’d lean no) but that is the reality.  Here’s a crazy number – In 1940, 59% of men and 68% of women between the ages of 20-34 were married.  In 2010 66% of men and 56% of women in that same age bracket have never been married.  That is a whole different ball game.

One of the advantages to being married, if you do it right and fight for your marriage, is that you have another person who is there ALL THE TIME.  Now sometimes, according to my married friends, this can be extremely difficult.  But it also has huge advantages – not the least of which is that you have someone who has seen you at your worst and stuck around anyway.

As a single person it is fairly easy to never have anyone see you at your worst.  Think about it.  You are set up to “get away with” sin.  Especially if you live alone, which according to Time Magazine 28% of Americans do (if 28% of Americans do – what % of singles would that be – it’s big).

Sin festers in isolation because it stays secret.  And if it’s secret it’s wrong. We end up rationalizing some sin, giving ourselves pep talks on others, and mostly feeling guilt ridden with most.  There is often no one to call us out, stop us from doing it, or walk us through it.  Sin is almost impossible to root out by ourselves.  We need people in our life who know the worst about us.  This is really, really hard to develop.

The only way this really changes is to have people that are in it with you no matter what. People that are more than just “running buddies” or “going out buddies”.  People that know everything, good and bad. The main reason most people don’t have this is that we are not intentional with it.  We don’t actually go to our friends and say let’s do life together. We don’t trust people will stay and of course half the time the last thing we want to do is actually deal with our sin in the first place.

We need more than a small group, bible study, or accountability group, although that is a great starting point.  But one or two things almost always happens.  Most people switch small groups at least every couple of years (which is fine – as long as this type of “in it togetherness” is not the goal) and/or they become a place where you can share stuff but no one actually does anything about it.  While these can be somewhat helpful at some point it dies out.

The first step is admitting that even though we are created for it, we don’t naturally gravitate towards this.  I think the second thing is to pray for it.  Then we have to actually engage it and fight for it when it presents itself.  Most people don’t have this because it’s hard, not because it isn’t possible.

Who knows everything about you?  If you died who could tell me everything about you, sin and all?  Is there anyone you can trust?  If so – engage it.  If not pray for it.  We can’t fight the battle against our flesh alone.  It will kill our heart, wreck or spirit, and limit our ministry.

They’re Married Not Dead

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I was joking with friend the other day about wedding reception slide shows.  You know the scene right?  You walk in to the reception and there’s a picture slide show with all sorts of pics of the bride’s and groom’s life.  There are the baby pictures, the little kid pictures, the awkward middle school picture that everyone laughs at, and then there are the high school pictures (if the couple is younger – usually there’s an emphasis on the sport they played or something to that effect) and then finally the pictures of them together.  It’s like their life story in photos.  Now I know that the point is to show their life so far and now they are together (at least I think that’s the point – I’ve never put one of these things together).

There are only two other places you see a slide show like this.  Graduation parties and funerals. Here’s the thing – they got married.  They aren’t leaving.  They’re still here.  But often times it seems like they left.  Think about the toasts at these weddings.  The best man and maid of honor get up and talk about how great life “has been”.  Now the good toasts talk about the future together etc, but at a lot of weddings it’s treated more like the end of something than the beginning of something.

This is crazy of course.  When you get married you have not “arrived”.  For heaven’s sake you haven’t even started to arrive.  You are really just beginning a journey together.  Yes the whole situation and context is changed forever but it’s not time to disappear.

I’ve heard many single people say things like, “We were friends but then they got married,” and I’ve heard married people tell me that they got married and then all their single friends stopped calling them. This is not helpful.  Marriage changes the dynamics but too many friends separate when they get married.  That’s not friendship and frankly in most cases it’s not a good idea. You should be focussed on your new marriage but if you disappear then you can easily become isolated as a couple.  And guess what – couples need community too.

There is plenty of blame to go around here.  Most of it is a lack of communication.  Single and married people need to not abandon their friendships – which leads to everyone being lonely – instead they need to work on their friendships within the new context of marriage. 

Here’s the key – don’t make assumptions.  If you are single and your friends get married – give them a couple of weeks obviously, but call them.  Remember how you used to grab lunch – guess what your friend who is now married still eats.  Married people, don’t become completely marriage absorbed.  The world doesn’t all of a sudden revolve around your marital bliss.  We need to talk a lot more about how we can be in community together as marrieds and singles but it starts with getting rid of the premise that we are automatically separated.

Do you have a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while since your or their marital status changed?  Have you reached out?  Lately?  Really?