Tag Archives: Singleness

Desiring Jesus More Than Sex

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Have you ever tried to fight weeds in your yard?  You go out and spray them or pull them. It’s a constant battle.  But here’s the truth about the process.  The best defense against weeds is more grass.  I can pull weeds every year but if I don’t get grass to grow in those spots, next year (or next week) weeds will grow there.

I share this because I think it is a key principle for dealing with sexual immorality and the desire we have that leads us to it.  As I shared last week, we first have to  have a right view of sex and a right view of desire.  But even then we have to figure out how to grow the right desires.  In other words we have to let our desire for God trump all other desires.  The good news is that we were created for that.  The bad news is, it’s a freaking battle.

We can’t get completely focussed on the sin.  This is especially true with sexual immorality (fulfilling sexual desire outside the context of marriage).  Often we focus on the all of the “don’ts”.  Don’t be naked, don’t look at porn, don’t have lustful thoughts, don’t. . . .  While we do need to fight this stuff we can’t let our focus be here.  Our focus needs to be on Jesus.

I’ve heard it said a lot that, “we as guys will always struggle with lust”.  I think that’s a lie straight from hell.

Now if you want to say that I’m always capable of struggling with it, I wholeheartedly agree. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have victory in this area of my life.  It’s probably going to be a fight and process (as with most of the sanctification process) but to just surrender to it seems like a terrible idea.

Sexual immorality is a strong, strong temptation. God created sex with the power to help bind two people together for life.  God was not playing around here.  It is the only sin that Paul literally says to flee from.  In other words, don’t play around with it or tough it out – just get the heck away from it.  He says all other sin a man commits outside his body, but sexual immorality is against his own body.  Paul is saying it affects us in huge ways.

In my opinion there are two principles we have to keep here in order to let the practical stuff work.

First we need to focus on the Lord and his mission.  To be honest, when I struggle the least in this area is when I’m focussed on God and mission.  When I’m outward focussed, I’m typically not desiring the wrong stuff.  When I’m focussed on me and what I feel that day, that’s when I’m in trouble.  This by the way is part of (emphasis on part of) what Paul is saying about the call to singleness.  It’s not a call to not get married, it’s a call to be so focussed on mission that you are not focussed on sex (which is NOT to say that you won’t ever desire sex).

The second thing we have to do is flee – which means do whatever it takes to not fall into sexual immorality.  I’m going to talk about some things that have helped me later this week.

Here’s another way to look at it.  In the Odyssey, Odysseus is warned about the dangers of the sirens.  These were beautiful creatures (think hot models with wings) that sang incredibly powerful and beautiful songs.  So much so that sailors followed them to their death on the rocks.

Odysseus comes up with a plan.  He gives all his oarsmen wax to put in their ears so that they can’t hear the sirens.  He wants to hear it, so he doesn’t use wax, but he has them tie him to the mast.  When the boat passes the sirens do their thing.  Odysseus goes crazy, demanding that the men cut him free.  Following his original orders they don’t and they pass through unharmed.

Now this is great but contrast that with the story of Orpheus and the Argonauts.  The Argonauts faced the same danger from the sirens.  But Orpheus was a powerful musician who played the most beautiful music possible.  When the Argonauts passed by the sirens Orpheus played his music.  It was so strong and powerful that it drowned out the songs of the sirens.  The Argonauts were able to pass through without the aid of the wax.

Ultimately our desire for God has to trump all other desires.  

It is better to tie ourselves to the mast than die on the rocks, but the goal should be to grow so close to Jesus that we are not swayed by the siren’s music.

Is This God’s Best For Me?

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A few weeks ago I was listening to a sermon a friend sent me on singleness.  It was actually pretty good which was a pleasant surprise.  The pastor had humility and admitted he was on thin ice because he had never really been single.  He then went on to actually preach on what Paul said about singleness.  You read that right – he actually talked about it.  Over all this guy had a lot of great things to say.

But of course he had to toss out something “comforting” at the end.  He said essentially, “If you are single right now, you need to recognize that God has you there.  It is God’s best for you right now.”  Really?!

Often in an attempt to respect God’s sovereignty, we end up assigning things to God that we need not.  This idea that where I’m at is God’s best for me can be really, really tricky.

First of all, I personally choose against God’s best for me every day.  Even though I am a saved person, I still struggle with sin. I do not choose God’s best every time.  So unless you want to blame God for my sin, I’m not always doing God’s best.

Secondly this sets us up to assign all struggle to God.  This can lead to terrible conclusions about God, myself and others.  In an extreme example let’s take the Penn State story. Was that God’s best for those kids?  Just because it is happening does not make it’s God’s best or God’s fault.  There are consequences to sin – mine and others.  This doesn’t even include the fact that we have an enemy (heaven forbid that we actually discuss that from the pulpit – but I digress).

My point here is not to get into a theological debate per se.  My point in this context is that me being single doesn’t necessarily mean that God “has me there” or that this is God’s best for me.

Now as I’ve said many times, God may well have you single right now.  He may even call you to a life of singleness (I want to say more about that later but it is more a call to a vow of ministry than a call to not be married – you are called in the positive to serve in that way, not the negative to focus on what you will not do – that is get married).  If that is true then that truly is awesome and right.  It is God’s best for you.

But if you don’t feel that call then I think it is risky to say that singleness is God’s best for you.  This leads to us being mad at God when maybe it’s not really Him holding out on us, or keeping us single at all.  Maybe it’s my own sin or other’s sin.  Maybe it’s the reality that we live in a broken world and a culture that values marriage less.  Maybe my singleness is driven by my fear and woundedness.  If I just chalk it up as God’s best for me then why would I choose to engage all of that.  Assigning it all to God can keep me from facing my own sin and hurt.

Here’s what we do know.  God loves us right where we are.  He has not abandoned us. He is not holding out on us.  It may well be that He wants to walk us though some stuff so that we are better able to pursue marriage but that is different than saying that He has us right where He wants us.

Maybe instead of saying, “God, why are doing this to me?” (man I spent a lot of time there), we ought to be asking Him what He wants to do in me right now.  In the context I’m in, what does He want me to do next.

God’s will can be hard to determine – not that it’s bad to try necessarily.  We need to be careful with assuming that just because I am somewhere that means that is where He wants me.  To do that ignores sin and brokenness.  Instead we need to lean into Him and start to work through that sin and brokenness.  Whether that leads to marriage or not is somewhat irrelevant.

Let’s say I get married in the next year.  Am I to assume that God has willed me to wait until 40 to get married?  Was that His best for me? Maybe it has been his plan all along or maybe not?  Does it really matter? What I do know is that regardless of my marital status when I turn to Him, He is constantly willing to lead me to the best He has for me.  And that should lead me to be thankful in all circumstances – including singleness.