Tag Archives: singles

Assume You Don’t Know

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So a couple of years ago I was hanging out with a group of men that I respect a lot including one man who has mentored me for the last 15 years, which is how I got the invite. One guy, who actually mentors my mentor (following still?), cornered me and started a conversation.  He wanted to know how I was handling my sex drive as a single person.

Now here’s the thing, this is a big deal and something that we need people to hold us accountable for.  If we are dating someone we need someone who knows what we are doing.  No matter what, we need someone who can ask what we are doing in that area of our lives because guess what – you probably have a sex drive. But here’s the thing – it’s kind of a tricky question and sometimes it’s frustrating because half the time when a married person asks it you want to say – hey you just don’t get it.

But the beauty was how he asked it.  Here’s how it went.  He said basically, “I’m curious about something.  First let me say that I respect you a lot.  I mean I really do.  It can’t be easy being single and dealing with that.  I don’t understand it because I’ve kind of always been married.  But I respect you, and you are a complete person without marriage.  I believe that.  But tell me, what do you do with your sexual energy.  I’m seriously asking because I have no idea what you do with it?  Do you look at porn?  Do you masturbate? Are you able to use that energy in a way that honors the Lord?  Do you just work out? What do you do? When you are dating someone, how far do you go?”

Now there is so much right about the way that he asked me.  First of all he treated me as someone going through something that he wasn’t.  He didn’t pretend to have the answer and in fact assumed that he didn’t.  Second he honored me as a person. Finally he asked specific questions but in the context of the first two points and without judgement.  This of course is just a good way to ask questions but it can be especially helpful for married and single people holding each other accountable and walking together.

If we are going to walk together as marrieds and singles (which again as the church we’d better start figuring out how to do) then we need to start with humility.  Here’s the thing.  As a 39 year old single guy I’ve had several mentors in my life.  All of them – every single one – has been married. In fact none of them got married any later than 25.  But they have had huge impact on my walk with Christ as a single, and one of the reasons is that they don’t pretend to completely know what I’m going through.  Many times they’ve said, “Justin, I just have never been where you are but here’s what I think.”  At the same time I have had the privilege to pour into and mentor many married people – but I start with the premise of I don’t exactly get it.  I would say I have had impact on some of those marriages.

What if as marrieds and singles we started out with more humility?  What if instead of assuming that we get it all we assumed we didn’t?  What if as a married person you didn’t give your single friends all the easy answers but instead were genuinely interested in how they lived?  What if as single people we were genuinely interested in our friends’ marriages? What if we didn’t blow off each other’s thoughts just because we aren’t in the same demographic?

Your Pastor Doesn’t Get It

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So as I mentioned I go to a church that is around 50% single.  We have a great lead pastor and a mentality that we can talk about almost anything from the pulpit.  Unlike most churches we even talk about sex as it relates to marrieds and singles.  We actually have “PG 13” sermons.  It’s one of the things that after 7 years I still appreciate.  Many churches never even mention this stuff and certainly not from the pulpit.

That said, they are fairly clueless beyond sex.  In fact I’ve never heard singleness mentioned in a sermon in which sex wasn’t mentioned.  Almost every example of a single person in a sermon has something to do with sex.  (For free – if all the single people would quit having sex – they’d quit talking about it).

This is mainly bad for what it doesn’t do.  It doesn’t address many of the traps for single people (loneliness, intimacy issues, bitterness, et. al.).  It doesn’t help married people in the church love their single friends. It doesn’t offer much to singles who are already not having sex. It doesn’t help single people feel equal to married people in the church.

But this post is not to rail on pastors.  I want us single people to step back and just realize that they don’t get it.  Some pastors don’t think anything about it but I think most do.  The problem is that most pastors have never been single.  Seriously.  Think about it.  Name the single pastors you know. Single pastor is almost an oxymoron. In fact name the pastors you know that got married after 25.  There just are not very many.

This is not to say that someone can’t teach on something that they haven’t experienced.  That’s a terrible argument.  But it helps to do one of two things before teaching on something – you either need experience or you need study it.  Most pastors have done neither.

It is far easier for me to counsel married friends than for my pastor to counsel single people.  For starters every single person has read books about marriage.  There are thousands.  Heck, you can even get a marriage book to match your theology.  Who do you like?  Piper, Keller, Eldrege, Jakes, Bell?  Everybody has one.  Ok, now name the book your married friends have read about singleness. Whoops  Secondly there are very clear scriptures about marriage – what it is, what it is for, what the roles are etc.  There is very little about singleness and most of it is interpreted wrong (teaser – future post).  The point is that I know way more about marriage (while I haven’t experienced it and I’m not claiming to “get it”) than most pastors know about singleness.

So what do we do with this?  Should we just be mad when our pastors don’t talk about singleness in a way that helps – That’s a waste of time. We’ll talk more about some of this but for starters we can:

1. Don’t tune out the marriage sermons – a proper understanding about marriage can save our butt as we navigate dating and the decision to marry.  And we all have married friends who need us to love them.

2. If we are in a position of leadership (you are serving right?) we can make suggestions that are helpful.  Earn the right to be heard – don’t yell from the cheap seats.

3. Cut your pastor some slack and realize that they love you even if they don’t get your situation.  Seriously – especially if they try.  Pastor’s hearts break for their people.  Trust me I know this to be true.

Kill The Pretend

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When I was a little kid I had a really active imagination.  In the same day I could be a soldier, Luke Skywalker, and Major League pitcher.  My stuffed animals all had different personalities.  As I got older I was the Missouri Tigers in the driveway winning the national title (talk about imagination).  As I got a little older I was me, playing for the Tigers.

Imagination as a little kid is vital.  Taking time out from reality creates great play and creates visions of who we can be.  It is good for a little kids’ emotional health.  However it can be our enemy as an adult. As an adult it can take away from reality – and for the most part, escaping from reality means not dealing with reality which is bad, bad news.

One of the huge traps of Singleness is isolation.  As a society as a whole we have become more and more isolated.  We drive to work alone, often work alone and here’s the kicker, as a single person we come home alone.  In fact the latest stats show that 28% of American adults live alone, and that number is rising.  I’m not saying living alone is always bad but it can be.  One of the results is that it is easier to slip into what I call “The Pretend”.  It is the world in our head that doesn’t actually exist.  It’s not real.

“The Pretend” includes all of our daydreams, speculation about what people are doing or thinking, and fake conversations with others (often with the person of the opposite sex we like) among other things. (By the way – for free – one of the ways to find out who you are not reconciled with is to ask “who do I have pretend arguments with in my head?”).  It also includes secret sexual thoughts that lead to fantasy, porn, and masturbation, etc.

Here’s the thing.  Besides being a colossal waste of time, it never turns out the way we speculate, most of it is bad, almost all of it is wrong, and none of it is real.

Now to be sure all people deal with this, married or single.  This isn’t just a singleness problem.  But one of the advantages of having a spouse, and especially kids, is that you are snapped back into reality over an over again.  You go home and there they are.  Now of course you can hide from your spouse or kids, plug in the ipod, jump on the internet etc.  You can definitely be physically present but emotionally and mentally absent.  But at least you have a physical person as an option.  You can choose to disengage but you can also choose right and engage.

But as a single person this can be even more of a battle.  There is no one there to snap you back to reality.  Once you head down the path of getting into your own head there is often nothing there to stop it.  I shutter to think of all of the time I’ve spent in the world of my head, in “the pretend”.

The cost of this is monumental.  It can cause us to miss the real stuff.  It can stress us out and tire our minds.  It can lead us further into isolation and escapism.  It can make us awkward around real people (especially around the opposite sex). It can keep us from engaging others and most importantly God.

We have to fight this – and it is a fight pure and simple. The road to victory is to engage.  We have to engage God. Several years ago I started praying against “the pretend”.  When I start to go there I just flat pray, “I come against “the pretend” in the name of Jesus.  Give me the real.  I want the real with you.”

 What if instead of speculating, or daydreaming we prayed.  Think about that.  Crazy right?!

We have to engage people.  The most sure way to not be awkward around someone is actually engage them.  We need to get out of our head and into the real.  This is one of the keys to mental health and it is a absolute necessity if we are to avoid the trap of isolation.

When do you go into your own head?  Does your “pretend” honor God?  Do you have anyone in your life who snaps you back to reality?

Don’t Save Yourself For Marriage

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Tell me if some of these things in the next paragraph sound familiar.

Treat the girl how you would want someone to treat your spouse.  Don’t see how far you can go – see what you can save until marriage. Give your virginity to your spouse on your wedding night. I’m saving myself for marriage.  Having sex outside of marriage will affect your sex life in your marriage – get in the way, make it harder to bond, make it less meaningful, etc. True love waits!

The list could on and on.  I’ve thought (heck I’ve even taught others) most of these things.  A lot.  But I think I was wrong.

Now obviously I’m not suggesting that we should all go out and have sex outside of marriage (Although that would explode my blog viewings – Ha).  I’m also not suggesting that most of the above list is not valuable to think about.  Many of those things are true.  Sex outside of marriage can affect your married sex life, it is better to not try to see what you can get away with and it’s important that if you are dating someone they might not be your spouse etc.

However as wise as many of these things seem I think they present a huge problem.  That problem is that they assume marriage at some point.  In fact marriage is the center point. It’s the idol. In other words the motivation is that you are going to get married, therefore save yourself for that.  It also assumes that your sex life in marriage will be good if you wait.  You might as well throw in “you could get an std, or get pregnant”.  At some point it’s not a good motivator.  It’s scare tactics dressed up in a positive way.  This is dangerous and irresponsible.

What if you don’t get married?  At what point, if your motivation is saving yourself for marriage, do you give up?  At age 25?  At age 30? 35?  If you knew you would never have a spouse – would it be ok to not save yourself?  And what if you’ve already had sex? At some point there will be a rationalization to quit waiting.

The problem is that none of it has anything to do with Jesus.  None of it.  But even when we bring Jesus into the picture it can often be bad.  Very easily we can turn it into God will love me more, help me more, bring me a spouse more quickly, etc. , if I don’t have sex.  Or we can turn it into rule following to either earn or keep God’s favor.

It’s not about waiting, it’s about following Jesus. The truth is, whether we ever get married or not, the most important thing is our walk with Jesus.  Sin, regardless of what kind, gets in the way.  And that needs to be our focus. How is what I’m doing loving Jesus? Following Jesus?  How does this area of my life honor God?  How does it advance the kingdom?

Marriage is not the goal.  Following Jesus is the goal.  If I follow in Him and I dont’ get married – great!  If I follow him and I do get married – great!

Don’t save yourself for marriage, Give yourself to God.

They’re Married Not Dead

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I was joking with friend the other day about wedding reception slide shows.  You know the scene right?  You walk in to the reception and there’s a picture slide show with all sorts of pics of the bride’s and groom’s life.  There are the baby pictures, the little kid pictures, the awkward middle school picture that everyone laughs at, and then there are the high school pictures (if the couple is younger – usually there’s an emphasis on the sport they played or something to that effect) and then finally the pictures of them together.  It’s like their life story in photos.  Now I know that the point is to show their life so far and now they are together (at least I think that’s the point – I’ve never put one of these things together).

There are only two other places you see a slide show like this.  Graduation parties and funerals. Here’s the thing – they got married.  They aren’t leaving.  They’re still here.  But often times it seems like they left.  Think about the toasts at these weddings.  The best man and maid of honor get up and talk about how great life “has been”.  Now the good toasts talk about the future together etc, but at a lot of weddings it’s treated more like the end of something than the beginning of something.

This is crazy of course.  When you get married you have not “arrived”.  For heaven’s sake you haven’t even started to arrive.  You are really just beginning a journey together.  Yes the whole situation and context is changed forever but it’s not time to disappear.

I’ve heard many single people say things like, “We were friends but then they got married,” and I’ve heard married people tell me that they got married and then all their single friends stopped calling them. This is not helpful.  Marriage changes the dynamics but too many friends separate when they get married.  That’s not friendship and frankly in most cases it’s not a good idea. You should be focussed on your new marriage but if you disappear then you can easily become isolated as a couple.  And guess what – couples need community too.

There is plenty of blame to go around here.  Most of it is a lack of communication.  Single and married people need to not abandon their friendships – which leads to everyone being lonely – instead they need to work on their friendships within the new context of marriage. 

Here’s the key – don’t make assumptions.  If you are single and your friends get married – give them a couple of weeks obviously, but call them.  Remember how you used to grab lunch – guess what your friend who is now married still eats.  Married people, don’t become completely marriage absorbed.  The world doesn’t all of a sudden revolve around your marital bliss.  We need to talk a lot more about how we can be in community together as marrieds and singles but it starts with getting rid of the premise that we are automatically separated.

Do you have a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while since your or their marital status changed?  Have you reached out?  Lately?  Really?

You Don’t Earn A Spouse

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About ten years ago I was having lunch with a friend who was 24 and had been married about two years.  We were meeting for work but we ended up talking about life.  At one point my young friend (who I was supposed to be mentoring but who was about to mentor me) asked, “Justin why do you think you are still single?”

I sat for a minute trying to come up with something wise to say.  Then I said something like, “I don’t know exactly.  Maybe God still has stuff for me to learn first.”  I sat back satisfied with my “Godly” answer.

He responded, “How come I didn’t have to learn any of that stuff first?”

Bam!  I was in trouble.  In one sentence he had just taken out my religious answer.  I mean he was right.  He was a mature 24 year old but did he know more than me at 22 when he got married?  What was it exactly that I needed to master first before I was “studied up enough” for God to go ahead and grant me a spouse?  Yikes.

This is one of the subtle things that can sneak into our minds.  This idea that if God is waiting for us to get something so that we are now “ready” to be married.  Even typing that seems ridiculous now but in the back of my mind I’ve spent a lot of time there.  Especially in my 20’s.  This is dangerous on so many levels.  It can lead to earning God’s favor which takes out grace.  It can lead to bitterness towards others, “How come God gave that heathen a spouse when I’ve been over here trying to stay pure and do it right?”  It can lead to following God’s plan in an effort to earn a gift from him instead of simply to follow Him.  And, because of that, when we get tired of trying to earn it, it can lead to sin, especially sexually, because obviously God is not delivering on my hard work of staying pure.

No where does God say that a spouse is earned.  In fact all through history, including in scripture (e.g. just about everyone in the Old Testament) you could make the case that horrible people get married all the time.  A spouse is a gift, not a prize.  If your motivation to please God is so He will give you a spouse you’re in trouble.

Now it is sure fair to ask God, “Are you teaching me something here?” or, “Is there something I’m doing that is preventing me from having a spouse?” But the idea that I’m going to earn one is bad news.  Any married guy can tell you, they don’t deserve their spouse.

Where has this idea of earning a spouse crept into your thought process?

Where are you bargaining with God by following certain rules with the hope of a payoff?