Category Archives: Traps, Cycles and Excuses

The Prodigal Married and the Indignant Single

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There were once two friends who grew up together.  The first friend tried their best to live the “Christian” life.  They went to church, followed the “rules” and when it came to sexual purity they kept it, not having sex with anyone.  The second friend started out that way but sometime in high school they changed.  They decided they didn’t like the rules as much as they liked sex.  They didn’t keep their purity at all and in fact did crazy things.  They then pretty much left church and frankly God as well.

Then one day the second friend realized that this was not working.  Some other friends introduced them to Jesus in a real way and they began to follow Him.  Eventually this friend quit having sex with people (this was not easy and cost them a relationship or two) and they committed their sex life to God and waited until marriage.  Then they met someone and fell in love.  The Lord was in it and they got married.

This friend called the other and asked them to be in the wedding.  This first friend still had not had sex with anyone and still wasn’t married.  They did what was right and yet, God had not brought them a spouse.  The first friend of course went to the wedding and “celebrated” but they were conflicted.  “Why does this other person who went out and squandered the gift of sex get someone to love and to hold?”  “What about me?” they asked.  “How come I have been fighting to be pure and do what is right and yet you (God) have not rewarded me with a spouse – which is something I’ve always wanted?”  They love their friend but they didn’t really enjoy the wedding – or their friend.

The story of the “prodigal son” is one of the most used (often misused) stories in the Bible. It is a truly great parable.  I’ve heard it used over and over, mainly as a call to repentance to stop wandering and come home to Jesus.  The truth of the matter (as everyone from Keller to Bell) has pointed out lately, is that this story is not so much about the prodigal son as it is about God (all parables are about God first – that’s for free) and about the older son.

Jesus is not directing this story at the lost.  He is directing it at the Pharisees and teachers of the law.  The whole point of the story, in it’s context, wasn’t to call home the lost but instead to let the Pharisees know that they were missing it.  They were standing outside the party.  They were unable to celebrate the lost coming home because of their own self righteousness.

As single Christians this is a trap we have to watch out for.  The trap of resentment and bitterness.  This can happen when someone who has lived the crazy life seems to somehow be rewarded with a spouse quickly while we who are “morally good” don’t have that gift.  It can happen when we are in our 30s and single and we see people way younger than us get married while we are still waiting.

It’s usually almost subconscious but it can sneak it’s way in.  We might end up judging them, “they don’t deserve it” or “I hope it works out but I don’t know. . .” etc.  We end up feeling sorry for ourselves, “but I’ve done everything right“, or “I guess I’m just not going to get to be happy. . ” etc.  Mostly we end up indignant with God as if He owes us a spouse or somehow is holding out on us.

Obviously this keeps us outside the party – which is not where we want to be.  It can keep us from enjoying our friend, their day and what God is doing in their life. And if we let it go unchecked it can create bitterness and cynicism that stays with us in this area of our life – and that can lead to either giving up on sexual purity, or maybe worse, more self righteousness.

We have to fight to follow Jesus into the party and celebrate what He is doing there.  It’s worth it to be there and it’s not about us.

Quit Deciding Alone

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A few years ago I was in the midst of a major decision about my future.  I felt like it was time to move.  In the midst of this a job came open on another state.  I went and scoped it out and it was a pretty good situation.  But as good a it looked I just wasn’t sure.  So I brought it to my community.  We all spent time praying about it and I asked for their thoughts.  To a person they all said that they didn’t feel good about it.  Even though it made sense on paper I decided they were right and turned it down.  But we kept praying about it.  A few weeks later my boss called me and asked me to consider another job.  It was a harder scenario but still a lot of upside.  This time everyone was in agreement – take the job.  I took the job and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made personally and professionally.

I share this story because one of the traps of singleness is that too many times we make decisions alone.  One of the advantages to being married (assuming that you are trying to do it right) is that you have someone else in the decision process with you.  You kind of both have to come to agreement in order to move etc.  As a single person you are often on your own.  But it shouldn’t be this way and it doesn’t have to be.

We need community.  We need people that are in it with us.  I think we know this.  It’s important for so many reasons, not the least of which is we are sinful, as already discussed in the Most Sin Happens Alone blog. But in Christian community we kind of get the idea of accountability when it comes to sin.  However I don’t think we really get it when it comes to decision making.

We need counsel.  We need agreement.  In fact I want to go so far to say that we don’t really have community until we are making decisions together.  As long as I’m going to do decide alone regardless of what everyone else says then I’m not really in community. Accountability and community don’t happen without submission.  Making every decision on my own destroys community.

I don’t care how big the decision is, one of the first things to ask is, who is in agreement with this?  This of course has many benefits.  When I first took the new job it was a total mess.  But I knew that it was right because we had all agreed.  I mean I guess we could all be wrong but it’s a lot less likely.  This is why Jesus says,  “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”

The idea is that I need more than just myself listening to God.  I’m emotionally involved and it’s hard to hear clearly.  I need a team, a Justin team, to help me.  And when we are single this is just plain huge.  Think about this.  Who is your counsel?  Who if they told you no would you listen to? Have you ever decided no because everyone told you no?

This is actually really important to have even when you are married but at least then two of you have to agree.  Who knows everything about you?  Who knows your whole story, hopes, fears and all?  Who knows your finances and where you spend your money?  I know small groups that would talk about every sin but would never put their finances on the table.  This becomes extremely important in crisis.  Making decisions alone in crisis is a terrible idea but we do it all the time.

I get that this is hard.  It’s hard to find people who will be in with you at this level.  It’s hard because it takes humility and submission.  It’s just hard period.  But without it we are alone.  And even if we are called to be single, we are not called to be alone.

Most Sin Happens Alone

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Who knows the worst thing you’ve ever done?  Seriously.

One of the traps of singleness and especially (although not limited to) as you get older is that of isolation.  This affects all sorts of things.  What we’ve got to start realizing is that it is now normal to be 30 and single.  I’m not saying that is the way it is supposed to be (I’d lean no) but that is the reality.  Here’s a crazy number – In 1940, 59% of men and 68% of women between the ages of 20-34 were married.  In 2010 66% of men and 56% of women in that same age bracket have never been married.  That is a whole different ball game.

One of the advantages to being married, if you do it right and fight for your marriage, is that you have another person who is there ALL THE TIME.  Now sometimes, according to my married friends, this can be extremely difficult.  But it also has huge advantages – not the least of which is that you have someone who has seen you at your worst and stuck around anyway.

As a single person it is fairly easy to never have anyone see you at your worst.  Think about it.  You are set up to “get away with” sin.  Especially if you live alone, which according to Time Magazine 28% of Americans do (if 28% of Americans do – what % of singles would that be – it’s big).

Sin festers in isolation because it stays secret.  And if it’s secret it’s wrong. We end up rationalizing some sin, giving ourselves pep talks on others, and mostly feeling guilt ridden with most.  There is often no one to call us out, stop us from doing it, or walk us through it.  Sin is almost impossible to root out by ourselves.  We need people in our life who know the worst about us.  This is really, really hard to develop.

The only way this really changes is to have people that are in it with you no matter what. People that are more than just “running buddies” or “going out buddies”.  People that know everything, good and bad. The main reason most people don’t have this is that we are not intentional with it.  We don’t actually go to our friends and say let’s do life together. We don’t trust people will stay and of course half the time the last thing we want to do is actually deal with our sin in the first place.

We need more than a small group, bible study, or accountability group, although that is a great starting point.  But one or two things almost always happens.  Most people switch small groups at least every couple of years (which is fine – as long as this type of “in it togetherness” is not the goal) and/or they become a place where you can share stuff but no one actually does anything about it.  While these can be somewhat helpful at some point it dies out.

The first step is admitting that even though we are created for it, we don’t naturally gravitate towards this.  I think the second thing is to pray for it.  Then we have to actually engage it and fight for it when it presents itself.  Most people don’t have this because it’s hard, not because it isn’t possible.

Who knows everything about you?  If you died who could tell me everything about you, sin and all?  Is there anyone you can trust?  If so – engage it.  If not pray for it.  We can’t fight the battle against our flesh alone.  It will kill our heart, wreck or spirit, and limit our ministry.

Kill The Pretend

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When I was a little kid I had a really active imagination.  In the same day I could be a soldier, Luke Skywalker, and Major League pitcher.  My stuffed animals all had different personalities.  As I got older I was the Missouri Tigers in the driveway winning the national title (talk about imagination).  As I got a little older I was me, playing for the Tigers.

Imagination as a little kid is vital.  Taking time out from reality creates great play and creates visions of who we can be.  It is good for a little kids’ emotional health.  However it can be our enemy as an adult. As an adult it can take away from reality – and for the most part, escaping from reality means not dealing with reality which is bad, bad news.

One of the huge traps of Singleness is isolation.  As a society as a whole we have become more and more isolated.  We drive to work alone, often work alone and here’s the kicker, as a single person we come home alone.  In fact the latest stats show that 28% of American adults live alone, and that number is rising.  I’m not saying living alone is always bad but it can be.  One of the results is that it is easier to slip into what I call “The Pretend”.  It is the world in our head that doesn’t actually exist.  It’s not real.

“The Pretend” includes all of our daydreams, speculation about what people are doing or thinking, and fake conversations with others (often with the person of the opposite sex we like) among other things. (By the way – for free – one of the ways to find out who you are not reconciled with is to ask “who do I have pretend arguments with in my head?”).  It also includes secret sexual thoughts that lead to fantasy, porn, and masturbation, etc.

Here’s the thing.  Besides being a colossal waste of time, it never turns out the way we speculate, most of it is bad, almost all of it is wrong, and none of it is real.

Now to be sure all people deal with this, married or single.  This isn’t just a singleness problem.  But one of the advantages of having a spouse, and especially kids, is that you are snapped back into reality over an over again.  You go home and there they are.  Now of course you can hide from your spouse or kids, plug in the ipod, jump on the internet etc.  You can definitely be physically present but emotionally and mentally absent.  But at least you have a physical person as an option.  You can choose to disengage but you can also choose right and engage.

But as a single person this can be even more of a battle.  There is no one there to snap you back to reality.  Once you head down the path of getting into your own head there is often nothing there to stop it.  I shutter to think of all of the time I’ve spent in the world of my head, in “the pretend”.

The cost of this is monumental.  It can cause us to miss the real stuff.  It can stress us out and tire our minds.  It can lead us further into isolation and escapism.  It can make us awkward around real people (especially around the opposite sex). It can keep us from engaging others and most importantly God.

We have to fight this – and it is a fight pure and simple. The road to victory is to engage.  We have to engage God. Several years ago I started praying against “the pretend”.  When I start to go there I just flat pray, “I come against “the pretend” in the name of Jesus.  Give me the real.  I want the real with you.”

 What if instead of speculating, or daydreaming we prayed.  Think about that.  Crazy right?!

We have to engage people.  The most sure way to not be awkward around someone is actually engage them.  We need to get out of our head and into the real.  This is one of the keys to mental health and it is a absolute necessity if we are to avoid the trap of isolation.

When do you go into your own head?  Does your “pretend” honor God?  Do you have anyone in your life who snaps you back to reality?

Don’t Save Yourself For Marriage

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Tell me if some of these things in the next paragraph sound familiar.

Treat the girl how you would want someone to treat your spouse.  Don’t see how far you can go – see what you can save until marriage. Give your virginity to your spouse on your wedding night. I’m saving myself for marriage.  Having sex outside of marriage will affect your sex life in your marriage – get in the way, make it harder to bond, make it less meaningful, etc. True love waits!

The list could on and on.  I’ve thought (heck I’ve even taught others) most of these things.  A lot.  But I think I was wrong.

Now obviously I’m not suggesting that we should all go out and have sex outside of marriage (Although that would explode my blog viewings – Ha).  I’m also not suggesting that most of the above list is not valuable to think about.  Many of those things are true.  Sex outside of marriage can affect your married sex life, it is better to not try to see what you can get away with and it’s important that if you are dating someone they might not be your spouse etc.

However as wise as many of these things seem I think they present a huge problem.  That problem is that they assume marriage at some point.  In fact marriage is the center point. It’s the idol. In other words the motivation is that you are going to get married, therefore save yourself for that.  It also assumes that your sex life in marriage will be good if you wait.  You might as well throw in “you could get an std, or get pregnant”.  At some point it’s not a good motivator.  It’s scare tactics dressed up in a positive way.  This is dangerous and irresponsible.

What if you don’t get married?  At what point, if your motivation is saving yourself for marriage, do you give up?  At age 25?  At age 30? 35?  If you knew you would never have a spouse – would it be ok to not save yourself?  And what if you’ve already had sex? At some point there will be a rationalization to quit waiting.

The problem is that none of it has anything to do with Jesus.  None of it.  But even when we bring Jesus into the picture it can often be bad.  Very easily we can turn it into God will love me more, help me more, bring me a spouse more quickly, etc. , if I don’t have sex.  Or we can turn it into rule following to either earn or keep God’s favor.

It’s not about waiting, it’s about following Jesus. The truth is, whether we ever get married or not, the most important thing is our walk with Jesus.  Sin, regardless of what kind, gets in the way.  And that needs to be our focus. How is what I’m doing loving Jesus? Following Jesus?  How does this area of my life honor God?  How does it advance the kingdom?

Marriage is not the goal.  Following Jesus is the goal.  If I follow in Him and I dont’ get married – great!  If I follow him and I do get married – great!

Don’t save yourself for marriage, Give yourself to God.