Tag Archives: church

The Singleness Glass Ceiling

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A few posts ago I talked about the fact that your pastor doesn’t get it (the singleness thing that is).  But today I want to take that a step further.  Here is a real question that I think merits discussion.  Is there a glass ceiling for singles in church leadership – and if so should there be?

In other words can a single person hold an elder, deacon or other leadership position?  At first glance this may seem like kind of a weird question but think about your church – or for that matter any ministry.  How is it set up?  Think of the elders and/or deacons at your church – are any of them single?

Now one of the reasons is obvious – through recent history most of the older folks who would lead most churches were married.  So it really wasn’t much of an issue.  But times are a changing.

Now the Church has no problem with married people leading single people (obviously) so the real question is, can single people lead married people?  I think there are three answers from the church.  1. Yes, 2. No, 3. Biblically yes but we don’t know how to handle it, so practically no. (Perhaps 4. If a person is called to singleness then yes – but we aren’t going to help anyone determine that.)

I think the Yes group is smallest.  This would be a church where you see all sorts of people in leadership (assuming the other qualifications of course).  I think the 2nd group is the next largest.  This is the group that would point to 1st Tim. 3 and say that Paul is saying that if you haven’t managed your wife and kids then you can’t manage the church.  To me this isn’t a very good argument – although at least they have the guts to make it.  They would say Paul’s point is, how can an unmarried person mentor/counsel/lead others with families if they haven’t experienced it.  Based on this argument though almost no one could lead anyone.  How can I lead a person who is homeless if I haven’t been homeless.  I haven’t experienced it, how can I understand.  I get it, I just think it’s a reach.

This leads us to group 3 – by far the the largest.  This is the church where anyone can lead but yet no single person ever mentors a married one. It is the one where even though they know they could have single leadership they don’t know how to integrate it.  What if an elder dates someone in the church, or worse from another church, or worse yet if they break up?  Or what if they mess up and have sex or give in to sexual sin (because that’s never happened to a married elder).  They don’t know what to do even at a small group level.  Can a small group of mostly marrieds be led by a single person, or gasp, by two single people – that aren’t dating?  Should they just lead other singles (and marrieds just lead marrieds)?

Some would say that single people don’t typically want to lead, or volunteer at that level.  I think there is some truth to that, especially as it has related to age in the past.  But I also think that they aren’t asked as often, and many of them just assume they can’t do it.  If they look around and see all married people in leadership why would they think they can do it? (It should be pointed out that there are some less “grown up” ministries that it seems only single people can lead).

There are about to be more thirty and forty something single people than ever before in history.  Right, wrong or otherwise, it’s going to happen.  So every church and ministry had better ask this question.  What can single people lead?  If the answer is not certain things -that’s fair, but have the guts to say it.  If the answer is any position, then we need to figure out how to integrate it and build the leadership community together.

North Oak Trafficway and The Church of the Hot Chick

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I went to high school in a small town about 30 minutes north of K.C.  There wasn’t a lot to do there so when my friends and I got our licenses we would cruise down to North KC. We would hit the mall or whatever but eventually, almost without fail, we would cruise North Oak Trafficway.  Now the reason we did this is two fold, first we were bored but also it was to see who else (i.e. girls) were also cruising around.  We’d pull up next to a car of girls and then they’d drive forward and we’d cruise by and so on.  Rarely did we actually talk to them, just kind of window shopped.  We’d do the same thing by stopping at places like Sonic where there was a girl on skates that we could look at  – again not really to do anything.

We were kind of like the dog that chases cars.  Great idea, really attracted to the car, but no idea what to do if we actually caught it – and we’d probably just get run over anyway.

The amazing thing is this same thing happens in our church communities all the time. Especially in what I call the Church of the Hot Chick.  These are the churches where all the “hot” young single and married people in town hang out.  My church is one of these.  Now what happens is that we guys know that available women go there and then because more guys go there, even more women go there etc.  The problem is that for the most part all we do is look at each other.  People literally drive 30-40 minutes to come to church so that they can sit in the same room with the Christian “Hot Chick”.  But they don’t do anything about it.

I’ve had this conversation with a few different women.  I asked one twenty something friend of mine who I think is really attractive, “So is it kind of like a meat market for you at our church?  I mean do guys always ask for your number and stuff at church?”  She just stared at me and said, “No because it’s not like any guy is going to actually do anything about it.” I had the exact same conversation with a woman I went on a date with who attends one of the other “hot person” churches in town and she said the exact same thing. She said, “I’ll be sitting there in Church with no one next to me and no one ever sits next to me or says hi.”

Why is this?  Now maybe part of it is not wanting to “hit on” anyone at church, which is fair. But the reality is that most guys are scared.  We have grown up knowing how to look but not ever really being taught how to approach, and certainly not how to talk to, women.  It’s like we are still cruising the road – except now it’s sit in the back so you can see them, watch them during the communion line, or stand in the foyer in the back and hope for a reason to talk to them.  It’s the exact same thing, except now you are 25, 30, or 35 years old. Hows that working out?

Look I’m not suggesting that you go and get numbers at church. I’m not saying we should see a church service as a singles bar, and for heaven’s sake I’m not suggesting you should ask out a new girl from church every week.  I know there are guys that do that (I’ll get to you all later) but what I am saying is that we need to learn to engage the opposite sex in a normal, non threatening way.  And if we can’t learn that in our church community then where exactly can we?

Your Pastor Doesn’t Get It

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So as I mentioned I go to a church that is around 50% single.  We have a great lead pastor and a mentality that we can talk about almost anything from the pulpit.  Unlike most churches we even talk about sex as it relates to marrieds and singles.  We actually have “PG 13” sermons.  It’s one of the things that after 7 years I still appreciate.  Many churches never even mention this stuff and certainly not from the pulpit.

That said, they are fairly clueless beyond sex.  In fact I’ve never heard singleness mentioned in a sermon in which sex wasn’t mentioned.  Almost every example of a single person in a sermon has something to do with sex.  (For free – if all the single people would quit having sex – they’d quit talking about it).

This is mainly bad for what it doesn’t do.  It doesn’t address many of the traps for single people (loneliness, intimacy issues, bitterness, et. al.).  It doesn’t help married people in the church love their single friends. It doesn’t offer much to singles who are already not having sex. It doesn’t help single people feel equal to married people in the church.

But this post is not to rail on pastors.  I want us single people to step back and just realize that they don’t get it.  Some pastors don’t think anything about it but I think most do.  The problem is that most pastors have never been single.  Seriously.  Think about it.  Name the single pastors you know. Single pastor is almost an oxymoron. In fact name the pastors you know that got married after 25.  There just are not very many.

This is not to say that someone can’t teach on something that they haven’t experienced.  That’s a terrible argument.  But it helps to do one of two things before teaching on something – you either need experience or you need study it.  Most pastors have done neither.

It is far easier for me to counsel married friends than for my pastor to counsel single people.  For starters every single person has read books about marriage.  There are thousands.  Heck, you can even get a marriage book to match your theology.  Who do you like?  Piper, Keller, Eldrege, Jakes, Bell?  Everybody has one.  Ok, now name the book your married friends have read about singleness. Whoops  Secondly there are very clear scriptures about marriage – what it is, what it is for, what the roles are etc.  There is very little about singleness and most of it is interpreted wrong (teaser – future post).  The point is that I know way more about marriage (while I haven’t experienced it and I’m not claiming to “get it”) than most pastors know about singleness.

So what do we do with this?  Should we just be mad when our pastors don’t talk about singleness in a way that helps – That’s a waste of time. We’ll talk more about some of this but for starters we can:

1. Don’t tune out the marriage sermons – a proper understanding about marriage can save our butt as we navigate dating and the decision to marry.  And we all have married friends who need us to love them.

2. If we are in a position of leadership (you are serving right?) we can make suggestions that are helpful.  Earn the right to be heard – don’t yell from the cheap seats.

3. Cut your pastor some slack and realize that they love you even if they don’t get your situation.  Seriously – especially if they try.  Pastor’s hearts break for their people.  Trust me I know this to be true.

Haircut Intimacy

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A while back a thirty something friend of mine was sharing a thought he’d had while getting a hair cut.  He had just been in to the local Great Clips or whatever and a woman had cut his hair.  Now think about this situation for a minute.  You’re in the chair and the woman stylist throws the bib on you and goes to work.  Two interesting things happen here.

First she is talking to you the whole time.  She asks you about your day and do you have to go back to work.  She asks what you do and tells you that is a good job when you answer. She tells you some about her, she’s been doing this for years, or she is doing it temporarily and has bigger dreams.  “What are you doing this weekend?” she might ask or, “Did you see the Cardinal game?”  You are having a random conversation with woman.  For some guys I know this would be the longest conversation they have that month with a woman.

Secondly and more interestingly she is touching you the whole time.  She is touching your head.  She is cutting your hair yes but she is also combing it and measuring it.  Several times she brushes up against you with her arm or her body.  It just happens – it’s not on purpose or a move of any kind.  But still it’s physical touch.  Then she gets a look and tells you it looks good – and makes sure you feel the same way.  She’s right there, close, in your face.

My friend said this, “What I realized sitting there was that this was going to be the only time this month that I have any sort of female touch in my life”.  It is the closest thing to physical intimacy he was going to have. . . until the next haircut.

Is the Church’s best answer to this “Don’t have sex?”

Here’s the thing – we are going to need more than that.  This is one of the hardest things about trying to walk with Jesus as a single person.  We have to basically forgo physical intimacy.  And the worst part is that if you grew up without any (different post for another time) you are really hurting and awkward in that area.  This is such a hard deal that we don’t talk about.  We’re told all the things not to do – don’t touch, don’t think, don’t even look.  So what is it we are supposed to DO with that desire?  It’s not just sex we are giving up.  It is touch.  Sometimes for years. This leads to all sorts of traps, like isolation and awkwardness.

What do you do with your desire for touch?  Do you have anyone that you can even say that out loud to?

We’ve got to talk about this and create environments (proper ones) for conversation, community and even proper touch.  Proper touch – I laugh as a I type that – what does that even mean?  I don’t know but we need to figure it out.