Yesterday I wrote about the fact that every guy asks the question am I good in bed? How we answer that question is critical to our core confidence as a man. We can wish it wasn’t that way. We can try to over spiritualize it. We can blow it off with joking and hiding. But it’s still going to be there. We question our sexual prowess as a man and we in the Christian community MUST have an answer.
At first glance it seems that as a “Christian” that there is no way that I could answer that until I’m married because I’m not supposed to have sex. Often because we are so worried about sex outside of marriage and the costs that come with it, we end up telling men that they should just table the question and then “presto” answer it on their wedding night. But in my opinion that is not good enough. That might have worked a couple of generations ago when people got married by 25 but it won’t work now.
It’s a good thing to direct people to wait until marriage to have sex but it is not ok to wait until then to help them answer their question about sexual prowess. They are going to answer it somehow.
We need to stop answering the sexual prowess question with a sexual ethics answer. We need a different conversation. Sexual prowess and sexual experience are not the same thing. Thinking they are the same leads to men that are either having sex to answer the question or men that are living with lack of intimacy, touch and confidence in their ability to deliver. Neither of those are acceptable. The ironic thing is that our Christian theology actually does answer the sexual prowess question.
The first thing we have to do is realize that God has ultimately created us as sexual beings. It only takes one chapter in the bible for God to bring up sex. We all have the tools, and I don’t just mean that we have the right “equipment”.
If we believe in a God that created us good, then we must start with the premise that God’s answer to do I have what it takes sexually is yes. Let that sink in for a minute. God says, “I have given you what you need here. You can do this. You have what it takes because I gave it to you.”
This is core. Yes we are messed up because of sin. Yes we may have been wounded in this area in even horrible ways. But at the core of who we are as a man, at the very center of it, we are created with sexual prowess. It’s there, somewhere, no matter what our experience tells us.
The problem is we take sex out of context and turn it into it’s own question. It becomes about performance which just kills us as men. We fear failure. We fear that we won’t be able to come through and when we make the act of sex the scorecard we are in trouble – even if we are “good” at it.
The act of sex was never intended to be that. God did not create sex in it’s own context. Sex is a part of a larger question.
Sex is not intended to be about performance. It’s about loving another person. It’s about trust, strength, intimacy and passion. It’s about giving and receiving. It’s about being a good lover, not about being a good performer. This is why married sex (even in secular research) is described as the best sex.
If I try to answer the sexual prowess question without answering the intimacy question then I’m in trouble – even if I’m married. Sex is not the goal. In a sense it’s one of the means to the goal within the context of marriage. As a stand alone thing, sex will not satisfy. It will never answer the question.
If you are a good lover, you will be “good in bed”, or at least you’ll figure out how to be. If you love well, the sex part will be there because there will be the context of trust, intimacy and passion to work on it.
The question we need to be asking is, “am I a good lover?” It’s actually a lot harder question. If we need the woman’s approval we can’t be a good lover. If we can’t be strong enough to be vulnerable, then we can’t be a good lover. This is why women at their core are attracted to strength.
It’s a huge issue for us as men. Becoming a lover is actually a stage of development just like learning to be a warrior. Hence the wise saying, “Never give a man a sword who can’t dance.”
The good news is that we can work on all of this without having sex. We can become lovers. We can work on how to have intimacy and good physical touch (I’ll say more about how to do this soon).
Here’s the bottom line. As a man growing in Christ, my sexual prowess should be growing because my identity and confidence in Him grows along with my capacity to give and receive love. If I’m truly confident in Christ then I’ll have the freedom and strength to be a good lover – and as a part of that to be “good in bed.”