Monthly Archives: May 2012

Jesus Was Hot

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Have you ever thought about what was going through the mind of the woman in John 4 when she first saw Jesus kicking it at her well, in the middle of the day, when the “bad” people came to get water, alone, waiting for her?  I mean think about it.  She even lies to Him to tell Him she is available.  This is a woman who had five previous husbands and now was with a sixth.  She was obviously trying to find a man who would fill her life up (which is exactly what Jesus used to get into the water of life conversation).  I’d never thought about this until I read Beautiful Outlaw, but I think there almost had to be an element of attraction here.  This woman started out being attracted to Jesus.

Now Jesus obviously turned the tables on the woman and for sure had no interest in dating her but what I’m saying here is she was extremely intrigued by Him.  He was quite simply the most attractive person to ever live.

Why does this matter?  Because we can learn from it – especially guys, because we have no idea how attraction works.  We think, well I need to have a good job, or a lot of money, or we need to be successful or be really good looking, etc.

When I was in high school I really didn’t date much.  I was a late bloomer to put it mildly.  I never really had a girlfriend, and frankly I’m not sure I went on a date before my senior year.  I was constantly in the friend zone.  I thought it was because I was not good looking enough (which in middle school might have been true – ha – my parents should have had a haircut intervention).  I was tall and skinny and I just thought that was why.

I also thought that I just wasn’t good enough at stuff. When I looked at the guys who the girls all liked at my school, they were all really good athletes etc.  So I thought if I could become good enough at stuff then I would “get the girls”.

In college it felt like that happened. I was kind of good at everything.  I played on the college football team (well I was the kicker, but it put in me in an elite circle) and I was also determined to stay out of the friend zone.  And you know what, I always had dates and relationships, all through college.  I just figured, it was because I was successful.  Here’s the thing.  I was wrong.

The truth is I was attractive because I was confident, maybe even cocky, ok definitely cocky.  It didn’t matter whether it was sports, school, or ministry, I was large and in charge and my confidence grew and that equaled attraction.  But I didn’t get it.

There has never been anyone more confident than Jesus.  Think about this, Jesus had no money.  You can’t really call him successful by worldly standards.  He couldn’t even get 12 guys to do what he wanted.  He did not have the hot car or the winning record.  But Jesus was attractive because He knew exactly who He was.  He was comfortable in His own skin (if only I had a dollar for every online profile that a woman wrote that under “what I’m looking for”).  Because Jesus knew who He was, He was able to love right, fight for the right stuff, laugh and cry at the right time, the whole nine yards.  Jesus was “that guy”.  It’s part of the reason the Pharisees and company were so pissed.  They were so try hard, and He was so effortless.

Here’s the beauty of this.  If we have Jesus we have the opportunity to have His confidence.  If our identity is in Him, then we are free to become who we are supposed to be.  If we engage Him we can heal from our wounds, work on our sin and weaknesses, and be able to love others the right way.  And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, hotter than that.

The Prodigal Married and the Indignant Single

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There were once two friends who grew up together.  The first friend tried their best to live the “Christian” life.  They went to church, followed the “rules” and when it came to sexual purity they kept it, not having sex with anyone.  The second friend started out that way but sometime in high school they changed.  They decided they didn’t like the rules as much as they liked sex.  They didn’t keep their purity at all and in fact did crazy things.  They then pretty much left church and frankly God as well.

Then one day the second friend realized that this was not working.  Some other friends introduced them to Jesus in a real way and they began to follow Him.  Eventually this friend quit having sex with people (this was not easy and cost them a relationship or two) and they committed their sex life to God and waited until marriage.  Then they met someone and fell in love.  The Lord was in it and they got married.

This friend called the other and asked them to be in the wedding.  This first friend still had not had sex with anyone and still wasn’t married.  They did what was right and yet, God had not brought them a spouse.  The first friend of course went to the wedding and “celebrated” but they were conflicted.  “Why does this other person who went out and squandered the gift of sex get someone to love and to hold?”  “What about me?” they asked.  “How come I have been fighting to be pure and do what is right and yet you (God) have not rewarded me with a spouse – which is something I’ve always wanted?”  They love their friend but they didn’t really enjoy the wedding – or their friend.

The story of the “prodigal son” is one of the most used (often misused) stories in the Bible. It is a truly great parable.  I’ve heard it used over and over, mainly as a call to repentance to stop wandering and come home to Jesus.  The truth of the matter (as everyone from Keller to Bell) has pointed out lately, is that this story is not so much about the prodigal son as it is about God (all parables are about God first – that’s for free) and about the older son.

Jesus is not directing this story at the lost.  He is directing it at the Pharisees and teachers of the law.  The whole point of the story, in it’s context, wasn’t to call home the lost but instead to let the Pharisees know that they were missing it.  They were standing outside the party.  They were unable to celebrate the lost coming home because of their own self righteousness.

As single Christians this is a trap we have to watch out for.  The trap of resentment and bitterness.  This can happen when someone who has lived the crazy life seems to somehow be rewarded with a spouse quickly while we who are “morally good” don’t have that gift.  It can happen when we are in our 30s and single and we see people way younger than us get married while we are still waiting.

It’s usually almost subconscious but it can sneak it’s way in.  We might end up judging them, “they don’t deserve it” or “I hope it works out but I don’t know. . .” etc.  We end up feeling sorry for ourselves, “but I’ve done everything right“, or “I guess I’m just not going to get to be happy. . ” etc.  Mostly we end up indignant with God as if He owes us a spouse or somehow is holding out on us.

Obviously this keeps us outside the party – which is not where we want to be.  It can keep us from enjoying our friend, their day and what God is doing in their life. And if we let it go unchecked it can create bitterness and cynicism that stays with us in this area of our life – and that can lead to either giving up on sexual purity, or maybe worse, more self righteousness.

We have to fight to follow Jesus into the party and celebrate what He is doing there.  It’s worth it to be there and it’s not about us.

Are You Electable?

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So a few years ago after I realized that I was the problem and that I had basically no understanding of how female attraction worked – and I was screwing it up ten other ways, I called a mentor friend of mine and said, “Hey I’ve got big problems here.”  He said, “Well fly out here and we’ll fix it.”  Now I’ll admit I was a little fearful of this trip but hey I was desperate and I knew I was lost, so I booked the flight.

Basically we had an all day counseling session.  I left with a lot of truths.  But here was the overall premise.  My friend said, “Look, you are a strong guy, and you’ve got a lot going for you.  You’d make a great husband, everyone agrees with that.  But you know what, there are a lot of people who would make a great President.  The problem is most of them can’t get elected.”

I laughed, and cringed.  It was an incredible insight.  I think this is a huge problem for many of us single folks who feel like we are called to marriage.  We want to be married.  We want to have the “Christian” marriage that everyone keeps talking about, even though we understand that it will take work and sacrifice – we still desire it and think we are made for it.  And the truth is many of us would make a great spouse – while of course always being a work in progress. The problem isn’t do we want to be married or would we be a good marriage partner.  The problem is we don’t know how to get married – we can’t get elected.

The church community, including us singles, needs to step up in this area. We can talk all day about marriage and all the things not to do as a single person.  And I want to re-emphasize that those things are indeed important.  But I’m not sure that we do a lot to actually help people get married.

One time a pastor at our church was giving the one sermon on singleness I’ve heard him preach (sorry can’t help it).  He actually was doing really well.  Then he dropped this line, “Now some of you are just awkward (read unelectable).  That’s ok, you just need to work on it.  If you don’t know where you’re awkward come find me and I’ll tell you.”  Now he actually had a great point that most pastors are afraid to say, but he wasn’t going to personally follow up with 1000 single people.

But in community we actually could work on this.  And as single people we need to have the humility and frankly the bravery to work on this.  We need to ask questions like, How do I come off to the opposite sex?, What type of people do I date and why?, Am I pursuable or do I have a huge wall up?, Am I afraid to commit?, What kind of first impression do I make?, Why am I so nervous to approach a girl I’m interested in?, and many more.  We need to evaluate ourselves as well as ask others and let them speak into this. This is not a beat ourselves up moment. It’s a real talk moment.

The thing is there are actually honest answers to these questions.  And the best part is you can change them.  You really can.  But if you don’t face them then you probably won’t.  By the way all of this goes way beyond dating.  The root answers to these questions come from our fears, sins, and woundedness, none of which come from God.  They are affecting our lives in all sorts of ways.  Jesus wants to grow and heal us from them, but we have to dive in with Him and His community.

So here is the question – Are you electable?

God Has Someone For You – Really?!

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One of the most annoying things you hear as a single person is when someone says the words, “There’s someone out there for you”.  Ok, well that’s great. Even worse is the Christian version, “God has someone out there for you,” or other fun variations like, “God will bring the person in His timing,” (thanks Calvin), or one of my favorites, “God is just getting them ready for you.”  That one makes me laugh.

I’ve heard some of these from the pulpit believe it or not and of course at conferences when I was younger as well as from many well meaning friends (all married of course).  But well meaning as it may be it isn’t a good idea.  It touches on some things we’ll talk about more such as, thinking God owes you a spouse, thinking that it is all God’s fault you are single, thinking that it is all about you, feeling that God is holding out on you, the whole “This is God’s plan that you are single” thing, and worst of all, having your spirituality tied up in this stuff.  But there are more immediate problems for this post.

First of all when someone tells me that God has someone for me I want to say, “Really?! You know this for sure?  You’ve prayed and God has told you that He has someone for me?  Tell me more.”  Look, I think a lot of people say this stuff because it makes them feel better and/or they hope it will make the other person feel better but it usually doesn’t. Now of course if you’ve actually prayed and felt like God gave you a word about this for your friend then by all means share it.  (I’ve had this happen to me actually – crazy story).

But otherwise this is not great advice.  For starters it’s not Biblical.  No where in the Bible are we promised a spouse.  You can’t read the Bible and think, “God has someone for everyone”.  Now to be sure marriage is set up by God and is a great thing.  It is also part of the original plan and it happens pre-sin so to speak (more on this later) but the problem is there are all sorts of people in the Bible who aren’t married.  There are people called to singleness.  And frankly, we did sin.  And friends, that screwed up every single aspect of creation, including this one.

We should not assume that we, or teach anyone else to assume that they, will get married. It’s just not a good starting point.  This has all sorts of ramifications.  I’ve had a couple of friends recently say to me, “Should this change what I tell my kids growing up?”  My answer would be yes.   As single people we need to have an attitude of submission to God in this area.  “God what do you want for me here?” would be a great starting point. It’s scary because we might not like the answer (either answer can be scary) but we need to ask it.  According to Jesus both marriage and singleness seem to be a calling of sorts. Maybe we should be working that out.

I think about how many times in my twenties that I prayed for God to bring me someone or for that matter to help me land a particular someone.  I don’t remember even really considering if He called me to something different.

We need to ditch the cliche answers that sound nice and actually engage the first questions first.

I Wanted To Like You

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Several years ago I really liked this girl.  She was beautiful, successful, smart, fun, liked Jesus – whole 9 yards.  I had met her at a conference I was speaking at but she lived a few states away.  We talked and I got her number, called her and oddly enough had a trip planned to her state already – so I asked her if while I was there if we could go out.  She said yes and we had a great time.  We kept talking on the phone and I said I wanted to see her again if she would like to.  She said she would like that and we set up another time for me to come visit her.  Now let me ask you a question – did she at least kind of like me? I’m thinking yes.  So I should just go make it happen right? But I didn’t know how.

I went down and we had an ok time but there was no spark.  I was in my head the whole time.  To be honest I didn’t get that she could like me.  I mean what did I have to offer her – she made more money than me, lived in a better place, had a great family – all of it.  When she dropped me off at the airport her eyes said it all.  Not that it kept me from calling her more and trying to get her to like me etc.

One day as we were talking on the phone (she was pretty gracious to talk to me at this point) she literally said, “I wanted to like you – but I just didn’t”.  She went on to say attraction just happens and she didn’t feel it.

It was a turning point in my life and here’s why.  I finally realized that I was the problem. For so long, really going all the way back to high school, I had always thought that it was my looks, or the money I made, or the job I had, or whatever that made me unattractive to certain girls I liked.  But this girl messed all that up.  She had everything, knew all that about me and still “wanted to like me”.  None of that had mattered.  Not my looks, money etc.  None of it. It was something else.

I always just thought, “I can’t ever get the girl that I really like”.  This happens all the time. When it counts, we guys choke.  When we as guys really like a girl we often fall into this weird state where we quit being ourselves, quit leading, and start being a wuss.  We are afraid and we go into impress her mode, or get her to like me mode.  This of course does just the opposite. Women end up perplexed by it as well. “I wanted to like him, he was nice (good, loved Jesus etc) but I just didn’t feel it.”

One of the reasons that we are single is that men don’t understand female attraction at all. We misinterpret all sorts of things growing up and we end up lost in this area. We have almost no guidance here. To be honest, I think in Christian circles this is even more confusing.  We are just clueless.  Even most guys who attract women don’t realize why – or at least not the real reasons.

Female attraction does not work the same way that male attraction does.  This is actually good news for us guys, but only if we can get some sort of handle on it.   Unless we do, we are going to keep failing, sometimes even if we get married, because we will keep thinking the wrong way and doing the wrong things.

Learning about marriage is important and many church communities, as well as books, do a great job of teaching on this.  But it isn’t much good if we don’t help guys figure out how to get married.  Much, much more to come on this.

Guys, how are you around women you like? Ladies, have you ever had a guy you wanted to like but didn’t?

The Singleness Glass Ceiling

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A few posts ago I talked about the fact that your pastor doesn’t get it (the singleness thing that is).  But today I want to take that a step further.  Here is a real question that I think merits discussion.  Is there a glass ceiling for singles in church leadership – and if so should there be?

In other words can a single person hold an elder, deacon or other leadership position?  At first glance this may seem like kind of a weird question but think about your church – or for that matter any ministry.  How is it set up?  Think of the elders and/or deacons at your church – are any of them single?

Now one of the reasons is obvious – through recent history most of the older folks who would lead most churches were married.  So it really wasn’t much of an issue.  But times are a changing.

Now the Church has no problem with married people leading single people (obviously) so the real question is, can single people lead married people?  I think there are three answers from the church.  1. Yes, 2. No, 3. Biblically yes but we don’t know how to handle it, so practically no. (Perhaps 4. If a person is called to singleness then yes – but we aren’t going to help anyone determine that.)

I think the Yes group is smallest.  This would be a church where you see all sorts of people in leadership (assuming the other qualifications of course).  I think the 2nd group is the next largest.  This is the group that would point to 1st Tim. 3 and say that Paul is saying that if you haven’t managed your wife and kids then you can’t manage the church.  To me this isn’t a very good argument – although at least they have the guts to make it.  They would say Paul’s point is, how can an unmarried person mentor/counsel/lead others with families if they haven’t experienced it.  Based on this argument though almost no one could lead anyone.  How can I lead a person who is homeless if I haven’t been homeless.  I haven’t experienced it, how can I understand.  I get it, I just think it’s a reach.

This leads us to group 3 – by far the the largest.  This is the church where anyone can lead but yet no single person ever mentors a married one. It is the one where even though they know they could have single leadership they don’t know how to integrate it.  What if an elder dates someone in the church, or worse from another church, or worse yet if they break up?  Or what if they mess up and have sex or give in to sexual sin (because that’s never happened to a married elder).  They don’t know what to do even at a small group level.  Can a small group of mostly marrieds be led by a single person, or gasp, by two single people – that aren’t dating?  Should they just lead other singles (and marrieds just lead marrieds)?

Some would say that single people don’t typically want to lead, or volunteer at that level.  I think there is some truth to that, especially as it has related to age in the past.  But I also think that they aren’t asked as often, and many of them just assume they can’t do it.  If they look around and see all married people in leadership why would they think they can do it? (It should be pointed out that there are some less “grown up” ministries that it seems only single people can lead).

There are about to be more thirty and forty something single people than ever before in history.  Right, wrong or otherwise, it’s going to happen.  So every church and ministry had better ask this question.  What can single people lead?  If the answer is not certain things -that’s fair, but have the guts to say it.  If the answer is any position, then we need to figure out how to integrate it and build the leadership community together.

There Is No Biblical Dating Plan

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When I was coming up into my early 20s there were a series of books about “Biblical Dating.”  Now the funniest part about this is that the number one book was written by Joshua Harris who was 22 when he wrote it.  He got married right after that which leads me to two conclusions. 1. It worked for him so way to go Josh and 2. Harris was never really single.

The general idea of these books was that dating as we know it was wrong and unbiblical. They suggested “courting” because that was biblical.  The idea was that dating/courting is always about figuring out marriage (with them so far), that physical and emotional intimacy should be saved for marriage (ok, still with them at some level) and essentially if you did this right you would get married and not get hurt along the way (whoops!).

There was one book (not by Harris) that went even further.  It literally had a chart in it for how far you should go, emotionally, spiritually, and of course physically, at each stage of the “courtship”.  Yes that’s right – a chart.  Here’s the best part – when I was 26 I dated (courted, talked with, got to know. . . whatever it was) a lady following this exact formula. We talked about it, I read the book and we followed the rules.  But, lo and behold, it turns out that I was not the only one this person was courting (or being courted by as the case may be).  So a few months into this “relationship”, she said basically, “So, I’m going to marry this other guy.”  I wish I was joking.  When I was hurt she said something to the effect of, “I don’t understand why we don’t all feel the same thing.”  In other words, why didn’t the formula work?

There’s so much here I’m not even sure where to begin.  First of all there is no formula to get married.  Every marriage story is different.  Secondly there is absolutely no correct Biblical dating/courting plan.  I mean try to find either in the Bible.  It’s just not there.  Think about ways people in the Bible found mates.  Some examples: Work 7 years for one wife and then 7 more for another, send your servant to a distant country to wait by a watering hole and pick one out, purchase property and get a wife thrown in.  It goes on and on.

The Bible doesn’t tell us how to find a mate.  It does give us important guidelines for our sexual behavior (much more on this later), it gives us some direction on the type of person to marry, and it does, maybe most importantly, teach us the right way to interact with people. But it just does not give us a plan on how to get married.

But the worst part about these books is that they create an illusion that if you did it the way they tell you (it’s Biblical after all), you will find a spouse and no one will get hurt.  This is of course, ridiculous.  This idea that if you do it God’s way then all will turn out the way you want it.  This isn’t true in any area of life and marriage/singleness is no exception.

No matter what you call it, dating, courting, or whatever, it is only going to work out one time – if ever.  And most of those other times someone is going to get hurt.  That’s ok. That’s part of trying.  It can be part of learning that at the end of the day Jesus has to be our number one love.  That’s true even if we do get married.  That’s Biblical.

Marriage Is Hard Blah Blah Blah

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Remember the scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler comes back to the elementary school and visits his young friends from the week before?  They ask him how life in high school and he grabs the kid by the cheeks and says “Stay here!  Don’t ever leave!”  That is essentially the message that a lot of married people give us single people about marriage.

“Be sure.”  “It’s really hard.”  “It’s not what you think (not all romance, not all sex, hard work, my wife/husband is always. . . . etc).  It’s like this constant warning that makes it seem as if marriage is some sort of prison.  The funniest part is many of these same people are always setting us up on dates etc.  So it’s hard, but you have to have it.  What?!

Sometimes this can be helpful. The truth is that many people have marriage as an idol and it is always a good idea to knock down idols.  So many of us as single people are whining about it and acting if we just got married our worlds would be fixed.  That needs to be killed.  But this can go bad in several ways.

First if you’re not careful it can dishonor your spouse.  Second it makes a couple of assumptions.  It assumes that I as a single person have no knowledge of marriage and the things that go on there.  That’s usually not true.  It also assumes that singleness is easy which it’s not.   I think a lot of times it’s said to try to make us single folk feel better – I’ve been told so many times, “enjoy your singleness cause when it’s gone you lose the freedom to . . . ”

But the worst part about it is that it makes us not want to get married.  No lie, I would say I’ve been affected by this.  I think one of the reasons we have a higher rate of singleness in our culture (including the Church – oh Church please wake up to this stuff) is that married people are always degrading marriage.  And to be honest it makes me not want to get married.  Why would I want that?

Now this doesn’t mean don’t be real with your friends.  If we are really going to talk about life and your marriage and what God is doing and all that is going on there then I say bring it and game on.  I love you and I’m in it with you.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  What I’m talking about is that this seems to be one of the many default answers married people give single people about their singleness. It’s a lot easier than actually doing life and helping your single friend navigate what is going on.  I think some of us need to be told, “hey you need to get married, even though it is hard”.

Billy needed to go to high school and grow.  Most single people need to move toward marriage and learn how to grow there.

The real question about marriage is, is it worth it?  Most of my friends would say yes.  And that is a lot better answer.  Something along the lines of, “Marriage is hard but worth it, I love my spouse” in the same way “having kids is harder but man I wouldn’t give one of them up”.

We need to be real about marriage to the point of killing the marriage idol.  But we don’t need to be degrading of marriage to the point of pushing people away from it.  And for sure we need to respect each other’s context and it’s unique challenges.

Quit Deciding Alone

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A few years ago I was in the midst of a major decision about my future.  I felt like it was time to move.  In the midst of this a job came open on another state.  I went and scoped it out and it was a pretty good situation.  But as good a it looked I just wasn’t sure.  So I brought it to my community.  We all spent time praying about it and I asked for their thoughts.  To a person they all said that they didn’t feel good about it.  Even though it made sense on paper I decided they were right and turned it down.  But we kept praying about it.  A few weeks later my boss called me and asked me to consider another job.  It was a harder scenario but still a lot of upside.  This time everyone was in agreement – take the job.  I took the job and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made personally and professionally.

I share this story because one of the traps of singleness is that too many times we make decisions alone.  One of the advantages to being married (assuming that you are trying to do it right) is that you have someone else in the decision process with you.  You kind of both have to come to agreement in order to move etc.  As a single person you are often on your own.  But it shouldn’t be this way and it doesn’t have to be.

We need community.  We need people that are in it with us.  I think we know this.  It’s important for so many reasons, not the least of which is we are sinful, as already discussed in the Most Sin Happens Alone blog. But in Christian community we kind of get the idea of accountability when it comes to sin.  However I don’t think we really get it when it comes to decision making.

We need counsel.  We need agreement.  In fact I want to go so far to say that we don’t really have community until we are making decisions together.  As long as I’m going to do decide alone regardless of what everyone else says then I’m not really in community. Accountability and community don’t happen without submission.  Making every decision on my own destroys community.

I don’t care how big the decision is, one of the first things to ask is, who is in agreement with this?  This of course has many benefits.  When I first took the new job it was a total mess.  But I knew that it was right because we had all agreed.  I mean I guess we could all be wrong but it’s a lot less likely.  This is why Jesus says,  “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”

The idea is that I need more than just myself listening to God.  I’m emotionally involved and it’s hard to hear clearly.  I need a team, a Justin team, to help me.  And when we are single this is just plain huge.  Think about this.  Who is your counsel?  Who if they told you no would you listen to? Have you ever decided no because everyone told you no?

This is actually really important to have even when you are married but at least then two of you have to agree.  Who knows everything about you?  Who knows your whole story, hopes, fears and all?  Who knows your finances and where you spend your money?  I know small groups that would talk about every sin but would never put their finances on the table.  This becomes extremely important in crisis.  Making decisions alone in crisis is a terrible idea but we do it all the time.

I get that this is hard.  It’s hard to find people who will be in with you at this level.  It’s hard because it takes humility and submission.  It’s just hard period.  But without it we are alone.  And even if we are called to be single, we are not called to be alone.

Are You Dating Anyone?

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There’s a group of older business men that I get the opportunity to meet with a few times a year.  These are men that I look up to and frankly most of the time I have no business being in the room, but hey they like me, and if they invite me there is no way I’m not showing up.

But a funny thing happens every single time.  After all the hand shakes and back slaps as we sit down with a drink or cigar or whatever, when the conversation turns to me the first question every time is “Are you dating anyone?” or “So hows the love life?” It’s always without fail the first question.  Now these guys love me and they are genuinely interested. They’re not just making small talk.  They are being intentional and asking for real, which I appreciate and am honored by.

However, I feel like this is often the first question married people ask single people in Christian community.  And if its not the first question you almost never leave without it being asked.  There’s this assumption that if I’m single then I must be wanting to be married and I must be wanting to talk about it.

There are some serious problems with this.  First of all while most single people do desire a spouse, it is not all that we are thinking about and doing with our life.  For example I have a lot going on in my ministry and in other areas of my personal life.  It would be nice to be asked how some of that was going first.  Heck ask me about my new car or how is stuff at my house.  Part of this by the way is that we never ask each other the deep questions like how we are doing with Jesus, what are we fearing right now, what is hurting us or firing us up etc.  We like to ask the easy questions. (Are you dating anyone is often an “easy” question as is how’s the wife and kids – especially when really we often don’t want the real answers)

Secondly we as singles have to fight against having our identity in our singleness.  We have to fight to follow Jesus first and have our identity in that – let’s talk about that.  We need your help here.  We have a lot going on besides our desire to be married – ask us about it.

Now before you go being mad at married people for asking this question all the time it’s a good idea to ask yourself if that is what you always talk and think about.  If it is always what seems to be most important to you, then the people who love you will always be asking you about it first.

What I’ve realized with these men is that over and over again it’s what I’ve brought to them. In fact they have walked with me through a lot of my relationships and lack there of.  If when they ask me how I’m doing, I always lead with that area of my life, then I have no right to be frustrated by the fact that they always ask about it.  In truth there have been many seasons in my life where the “search” has dominated my thoughts, emotions, and identity. I’ve set them up to ask about that first.

The point here isn’t that we don’t need to spend time talking about this area of our life because we most certainly do.  It’s just that we need to ask more questions about more things.  We need to have some conversations where we don’t talk about it all.  We need to not fall into a default mode of talking about dating and/or lack of dating and therefore accidentally defining ourselves or others by it.  Single people need to not be defined by singleness and to be honest married people need to not be defined by marriage.  We need to be defined by Jesus.

Married people – what do you ask your single friends about?  Single people – do you always lead with your dating life?