Tag Archives: marriage

Get Over Yourself

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One of the big stories out of this last election cycle is the changing demographics of our country.  There has been a lot of talk about growing Latino population, the women vote, etc.  One thing that hasn’t been talked about is the fact that there are a lot less married people.  49% of America is unmarried right now.  Only 20% of those aged 18-29 are married.  That’s a crazy number.  So when they talk about the youth vote they also mean the single vote.

I don’t bring this up to talk about voting.  Someone else will have to do that research (and if they are smart they will do it).  What I want to do is write a few posts about why I think it’s the way it is out there right now.  Why is it that marriage has been delayed or even ruled out as a way of life?  What the heck is going on?  There are a lot of contributing factors but today I want start with one that is our fault.

We have become more self centered.

Now when I say this, I don’t mean that we have become more selfish, although maybe we have.  Really we’ve always been selfish.  What I’m talking about is that our whole culture is about individual accomplishment and choice.  It’s about gaining success or gratification instantly.  Even our faith has become all about a “personal relationship with Jesus”.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think we need a personal relationship with Jesus and I love that we have choices and freedom.  But is it any wonder that in that society people are by themselves?

We don’t know how to be in relationships – of any kind – let alone a marriage.  All of our relationships revolve around what they do for me.  Have an argument in your small group? That means those people don’t get me.  Disagree with how things are at church? Shop for a new one.  Not growing?  That must mean that people aren’t feeding you.  Not being treated right at work?  Time to look for the next job.

Relationships take work.  It’s just easier not to.  And after a while, it’s habit.  We live in a world that has more opportunity for connection to more different people than ever before, and because of it, we are more lonely and empty.

Everything is about self.  Self help, self improvement, self motivation.  We hire “coaches” (this is unbelievable to me that it’s an actual job) to hold us accountable – we actually pay for friends.  It’s all about us.

This translates into dating.  We are always looking for the perfect person or in other words, the person who meets our needs.  And when someone doesn’t, well then it must be wrong. We think that because we have the chance to choose a spouse that we should have one that perfectly meets our needs.

What’s funny about this of course is that if you are going to have a strong marriage then the opposite has to become true.  Like any covenant it requires sacrifice.  It’s not a contract where we sign up based on what the other person will do for me.  It’s a covenant where I promise what I will do for them – no matter what.  And most people don’t want anything to do with that.

I had a quasi-mentor many years ago say that college was the most self centered time of life.  The idea was that it was all about finding yourself and everything was about you, figuring out what you want to do, who you want to be etc.  I think in our youth worshiping culture we’ve decided to extend that way past college.

All of this is often subconscious and in a many cases not all our fault.  We’ve been told by the world to live it up and by the Church to “take advantage our our singleness and be focussed on the Lord.”  So why leave for sacrifice?  We are conditioned to view it this way.

Here’s the truth.  A whole lot of us, in a whole lot of different areas of life, need to get over ourselves.  It’s just time.  We need to own that we naturally think this way and that it affects how we view of life, including marriage and singleness.  We need to learn how to have actual friends including ones we can argue with.  We need to learn how to come to a small group, meeting, church, or job asking what we can offer not just what we can take away from it.  We need to quit looking for who can meet our needs and start looking for someone that we want to be in it with, no matter what.  We need a singleness and/or a marriage that is bigger than self.

Don’t Date Jesus

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I remember many years ago I was talking to a woman that I was serving at a summer camp with.  We were talking about life and many different issues and of course dating and marriage came up.  (We were not interested in each other, just talking).  I asked her if she was dating etc.  She said, “You know right now I’m not really looking.  I’m focussing in on me and Jesus.  I’m just dating Jesus right now.”  I just kind of smiled.

I get the idea.  And in fact for people that have relationships as an idol and have spent their whole life filling up their emptiness by dating, it can make a lot of sense to take a break and have a season of not dating.  But we need to be really careful with stuff like this.

First of all I think the whole dating Jesus thing is just weird.  I mean later on do you break up with Jesus?  If you get married do you have to have the break up talk with God?  If I’m a guy, can I date Jesus?  Yikes.

But the bigger point here is this prevailing idea that somehow singleness is a season where I’m supposed to really zero in on “my relationship with God”.  I think this is a dangerous spiritual platitude to live under.

People say this stuff for all sorts of reasons.  It can be a way to hide from the fact that I’m struggling with singleness.  This way I don’t have to deal with the hurt. It’s often an attempt to explain why God hasn’t “delivered” someone to me yet.  “Well if God wanted me to get married it would have happened (read it can’t possibly have anything to do with me or choices I make).  So God must want me to be with just Him.” Um, God always wants us to be with him. It sounds holy.  “Well I’m just focussing in on Jesus right now”.  But how is right now any different from any other time.  Shouldn’t we always be focussed in on Jesus?

I mean we should indeed take our singleness to the Lord.  But the idea that singleness is a season that enables me to focus more on the Lord is false.  Look it’s hard to focus on the Lord no matter what.  It’s also always the goal.

This can lead us down some bad pathways.  It could keep me from pursuing a good relationship.  If marriage means that I will be further away from God then none of us should get married.  Seriously.  But fortunately that is not the case.

Marriage was created pre-sin.  It wasn’t offered up as a secondary option or as some sort of compromise.  We act like Adam somehow did something wrong so God said, “Well obviously I’m not enough for you so I guess we’ll do this marriage thing.”  That is not what happened at all.  God created Adam and saw a need for more.  He created Eve.  He put them together before anybody did anything wrong.  He put them together while they were both living in perfect union with Him.  Their marriage didn’t take away from His plan, it completed it.

Now this doesn’t mean that every person will get married or that it’s wrong to be single. That’s not my point at all.  Also, God may very well have me single for a season for particular reasons.  But to just assume it without really dealing with what is going on doesn’t seem like a good idea.

There can also be this implication that if I just focus in on Jesus during my singleness then He will bring me someone to marry.  What if He doesn’t?  More time for just me and Jesus I guess.  I shouldn’t focus on Jesus hoping to earn a spouse from Him.  If I’m “dating Jesus” chances are that I’m still pretty focussed on wanting to be married.

The truth is that if I’m single I need to put Jesus first.  But also if I’m married I’d better dang well put Jesus first, because if I don’t I’m screwed.  If I’m going to focus on Him less when I get married we are in trouble.  To be honest, I think being married might actually make me rely on him more.  It should drive me to Him.  “Lord, help me love my spouse today even though I don’t feel like it.”  And try having kids.  Want to get on your knees?  Parent a teenager.  Wait up late on a Saturday night for your 16 year old daughter to get home to have her walk in looking exhausted, and then walk right by you to her room and spend the night wondering what happened out there.

Don’t date Jesus.  Follow Jesus.  Don’t let your whole spirituality, let alone your whole identity, be wrapped up in singleness or marriage.  We desperately need Jesus period.

Can Men And Women Be Friends?

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I was leading a breakout session on singleness when a young woman asked if it was possible for men and women to be friends.  My answer was yes . . . . . maybe.

I’ve gone back and forth on this over the years.  When I was in high school I was the recipient of the, “I see you as a friend” line an awful lot.  So when I went to college I was determined to not be friends with girls at all.  This was a serious decision on my part.  Now I did have a lot of dating success in college.  But here’s the funny part. The first girl I went out on a date with in college became one of the best female friends I’ve ever had.  Now we only went on a couple of dates and there is a lot more to that story but it’s still really ironic.

Since college, I have served in different ministry capacities I’ve worked with lots of women. I would consider many of them great friends.  I would also say that I’ve had a positive impact on many women through my ministry, some of whom I would also consider friends.

So my answer to the question, can men and women be friends?  Yes . . . . maybe.  Let me explain.

First of all, as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, you shouldn’t be friends with the hope that it will turn into more.  In other words becoming friends as a way to avoid actually asking the girl out or because you know she isn’t attracted to you but you hope she will be later is a terrible idea.  It’s sort of shady actually because you are not really being her friend.

Secondly, I think you can be friends but you can’t be “just friends”.  Here’s what I mean by that.  “Just Friends” is a way of avoiding something.  A lot of times it’s a way for the person who isn’t attracted to someone who is attracted to them to be nice and try to avoid rejecting the person.  In other words if I ask a girl out and she says, let’s just be friends, that is her way of saying no but you’re not a bad guy or anything.  It’s not an invitation to a lifelong friendship.  Seriously, I promise it’s not.  If you ask someone out and they tell you that, you need to walk away.  Right then.  That doesn’t mean don’t be friendly towards them.  It just means don’t be intentional friends.

Now if you were friends and then you became attracted and she says that, then fine, you might be able to stay friends at some level.  But you need to be careful here.  You need to be sure that you have emotionally walked away and aren’t sliding into being her friend so she will like you.

On the other hand if you don’t really know this girl and you met somehow and went out a couple of times and she drops that line on you, do not, I repeat, do not strike up a big friendship with this person.  Again that doesn’t mean if you see her out or something that you are mean to her but don’t “pursue” her by being a friend.  If you are really into her the best thing you can do is say, “I don’t really need more intentional female friends.  I was hoping for more.  If something changes let me know.”  I promise you that this is the way to go.  It’s the only way you will keep her respect.

Finally, you should not be “best friends” with a girl.  You should have men in your life that fill that role.  If most of your close friends are the opposite sex you are in trouble.  You need to begin to deal with that.  There’s not space here to delve into that but you need to.

One way to know if you are really friends is to ask yourself a couple of key questions.  If this person started dating someone would you be excited for them?  Would you want to hang out with them and become friends with their partner.  I’ve had that happen a lot.  In fact a couple of my best guy friends are married to women that I knew before I knew them. If your answer is no, you need to back way, way off the friendship.

Does this person like me as more than a friend even though I don’t see them this way?  I’ve been on both ends of this.  My thought would be that if that is true then you need to back way off.  It’s not loving them to inadvertently stoke that fire.  And that’s exactly what you are doing if you hang out with them all the time.  You are just adding to their hurt and you are keeping them from pursuing other people.  Please don’t pretend you don’t know they like you – you know.

So what are you thoughts?  What has been your honest experience here?

Can You Date A Non-Christian?

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One thing that almost every Christian organization agrees on when it comes to singles (other than Don’t Have Sex of course) is that a Christian should not marry a non-Christian. Now when you tell young singles this they all nod their head, make big commitments to the Lord and dream of the perfect Christian Courtship.  This is all so simple, right up until that doesn’t happen or you meet someone who you really like, who isn’t a Christian.

Then it’s rationalization time.  “I haven’t met any Christians I’m attracted to.” “Well we aren’t really dating – they are just a friend” which is usually followed with, “well if they were a Christian I would date them but they aren’t so. . .I’ll just hang out with them like we’re dating but not call it that until we are dating and then whoops.”  Or, “Well I won’t marry them unless they come to follow Jesus but I’m hoping that will happen.”  “I’m just sharing Jesus with them.  I mean if they got it then yeah maybe but. . . ”  Here’s the problem – we will always want to date who we are attracted to and guess what, we marry who we date.

This is such a hard deal on a lot of levels.  First we really can’t help who we are attracted to.  Attraction isn’t really a choice.  Now what you do with attraction is and we need to get a hold of that.  But still it’s hard.  Also there are a lot of really cool non-christians. Ha!  It’s true right? And there are a lot of Christians that aren’t cool (funny, exciting, adventurous, hot etc).  Not only that, but guess what, everyone is created in God’s image and everyone can love.  That’s right even non-Christians can show love.  Crazy I know.

What makes this even trickier is that the Bible is not as clear here as we might like it to be. The problem is the Bible doesn’t talk about dating at all and when it comes to who to marry, really we’ve got one passage that says it straight up and another that kind of leads to the idea.

Paul in 2nd Corinthians 6 talks about not being unequally yoked.  While this is not about marriage I think it’s obvious that if we aren’t to be partners with unbelievers then it’s not a very big leap to assume that would include the biggest partnership of your life.  And in 1st Corinthians 7 Paul says that widows are free to remarry but they must marry a believer. That’s about as straight up as you can get.  But that’s it.  And before you try to go old Testament Israel marry within the tribe on me, remember Hosea.

But we have to live in reality and reality is this: If you are following Jesus then your life is heading in a direction.  And that direction, regardless of how much you like them or how much you have in common etc, is not the same as that of someone who is not.

There are all sorts of other problems.  It is easy for this other person to become your mission.  In other words you are somehow going to win this person to Jesus.  Here’s the thing, it could happen, but it could not happen and then you spend the rest of your life in different places.  Not to mention that they might end up pulling you in their direction – away from God.  This is a cheesy analogy but one person is standing on a chair and the other is on the ground.  Is it easier for the person on the floor to pulled up or the person on the chair to be pulled off?  As a bonus you are WAY more likely to fall into sexual sin.

Also, how can you have a covenant marriage with you, this other person and God, if this other person doesn’t believe in God.  Biblical marriage is a covenant, not a contract or an agreement.

But most of all, it is harder to follow Jesus and almost impossible to do ministry.  I have been in full time ministry for nearly 17 years.  I have worked with literally hundreds of people serving in our work.  Like anything missional, it’s hard and people leave for all sorts of reasons.  But the number one reason people get taken out – sexual sin.  The number two reason that usually leads to the first – dating someone who is not following Jesus.  This happens directly and indirectly.  The person who is not a Christian is going to have a hard time supporting you giving your life away for the Kingdom, which if you are following Jesus is exactly what you are called to do.

This raises other questions like, What is Christian enough? and How do I know who to marry?, and I plan to address some of that soon.  I also concede that this might not be “law” so to speak.  So tell me what you think?  Is what I’m saying right?  Are you rationalizing a relationship you’re in right now?  If you’re dating a nonbeliever how has that affected your walk with God?

We Are Mad At God

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When I was in college and right out of college, ok until I was 32 or so, I spent a lot of time (and I mean a lot of time) praying to God about getting a spouse.  It was a focus, I would now say an idol.  I wrote songs about it. The songs were about hurt, pain and angst.  Haha. I can laugh now but it’s what I felt.

I think it’s really easy as a single to become bitter.  You watch others have something that you want and you don’t have it.  It’s in your face – especially in the Christian culture. We desire to be with someone and we aren’t.  That seems like grounds to be upset.

For me I feel like my anger really started as a teenager.  I just wasn’t good with the ladies. But I never saw what I did wrong, what I saw was that I couldn’t get the whatever girl I was currently obsessed with.  College was ok, but then after college I fell into the trap of bitterness again.  It’s understandable, but it’s not a very good path.

Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to write about the people we get mad at as singles.  For today I want to focus on the main person we are mad at – God.  That’s right. We might not say it, but really that is where a lot of our bitterness and anger comes from.

Why God?!  Why can’t you bring me someone?!  I remember one day in my late twenties walking out of my office on a beautiful fall afternoon.  I looked at the day, my work (which was going extremely well), the opportunities I had in ministry.  I looked at the car I was driving and I thought about all God has provided for me.  But I also felt confused.  Why could God bring me all of that but not a wife?  I would think, “Come on God, I’m trying to follow you.  I’m doing your work.  I’m trying to live a pure life – when is it my turn.” Can you hear the entitlement?  Does God owe you a spouse?

Look I think it is good to be real.  If you are frustrated then you might as well take that to God.  But it’s dangerous as a single to stay there.  It’s so easy to let our focus slide to what we don’t have, what we want so much and what we think we are missing out on.

It’s one thing to share my frustration but it’s another to live in bitterness.  

It’s bad because I begin to view the world around me through that lens.  It changes how I view my married friends.  It gives the enemy a foothold to work with.  Can you just hear the enemy’s voice, “See, God doesn’t deliver on the stuff that you really want.” or, “God could do it but He doesn’t want to.”

In one sense it puts the focus squarely on me.  It becomes all about what I want, what I don’t have and I’m mad about it.  It’s all about me.  It also affects me because it makes me way less attractive to the opposite sex.  No one wants to date the mad, bitter, feeling sorry for themselves person.  I see this in my single friends a lot.  I know it because I’ve lived it. Ladies, no guy wants to date the girl who is whining about being single.  We are scared of the desperate chick.  Trust me.  And gentlemen, no girl, and I mean NO girl, wants to date and angry, depressed, focussed on what’s wrong guy.

This leads me to another key problem.  When we make it all God’s fault we tend not to deal with the parts that are our fault.  I wish I would have had less people who fed me spiritual platitudes about God’s timing, God’s preparing someone for me, and God’s got stuff to teach me, and more people who would have told me how I was doing it all wrong.

We all have wounds that mess us up in this area, are we working on those?  Maybe we date all the wrong people – is that God’s fault of something from inside me that I need to figure out?  Maybe I need to work on my appearance or my approach – is that God’s fault?  Maybe I want every girl to like me too much and have a huge approval idol.  Is that God’s fault?

There’s a flip side here and it’s important – it’s not all my fault.  I’m going to get to being mad at ourselves later.  But the first person we are usually mad at is God and we need to get that worked out.

So are you mad at God that He doesn’t have you married yet?  Have you spent time being bitter?  How has that affected you and your relationship with friends, the opposite sex, and most of all God?

Are You Ready To Get Married?

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My parents got married at 26.  This was actually at the time (1970) fairly old to get married. My mom told me once that she didn’t feel most people should get married much younger than that because you change so much in your early twenties. Apparently our society now totally agrees.

In the mid sixties nearly 60% of adults aged 18-29 were married.  That number is now 20% and dropping.  That is an insane change.  Now there are a lot of reasons for this.  And there are a lot of implications as well.  I’ve said some about that before and will say more later but for today I want to focus on a different question.  When are you ready to get married?

I’ve heard the “ready” comment a lot in my years of singleness.  Some people use it as an excuse to deal with their commitment issues. “I’m just not ready to get married.”  Now I think that it is indeed good to not get married if you don’t want to.  What isn’t so good is dating a bunch of people and then never being able to be committed to them.  Really if you aren’t ready – should you be in long term relationships as an adult?

This leads us to yet another very relevant question.  What is an adult?  Apparently in 1960 it was 18.  But these days there are people that say you’re an adolescent until 26.  Which seems to back up my mom’s thoughts.  But 26?  Really?!

The world has definitely changed in many, many ways.  Some for the better and others not, but I really believe in this context it leads to a lot of confusion.  For one thing we are asking Christian guys to basically forgo sex during their prime sex years (not that guys don’t pretty much always desire sex).  Hey 15 year old kid, “don’t worry, only 11-15 more years to go.  Good luck.”

Should you get married for sex?  Well maybe.  Not just for that obviously, but I think it’s an underrated reason.

There are all sorts of arguments here.  There are indeed statistics that say the older you get married the less likely you are to get divorced and I can see that.  You hopefully know more of who you are as a person etc.  But that assumes you are actually working on that and not just extending adolescence.

And let’s be honest the older you get the smaller pools you “fish” in.  That’s reality.  And if you aren’t dating just to date then how do you stay sharp with your dating skills which you actually sort of need to get married?

There are advantages to getting married earlier.  For one thing you get to be married longer.  You get to start out in life together. But the truth of the matter is that in our culture most 18-23 year olds are generally not as “ready” to be committed.  That is more society’s fault than theirs by the way.

So how do we know if we are “ready”?

Here’s truth one: In some ways you are never really “ready”.  There probably isn’t going to be that magical moment when you are perfectly ready.  And really you can’t know what marriage is like without actually being married.  We can, and should know what marriage is – a covenant with God and this other person for life, but that is not the same as being ready.

But that said, here are some things I think are helpful in terms of readiness.

First, do you see yourself as an adult?  Marriage does not make you adult, it makes you married.  This is important in many ways and probably deserves it’s own post.  But my point is it’s helpful to see yourself as an adult if you are going to be married.  (For free, it’s good to be an adult.  If you are in your mid twenties and you don’t see yourself as an adult – now would be the time).

Second, as a guy, I think you need to know what the heck you are about.  What direction do you see your life going?  It’s going to go a lot better if when you ask someone to go with you, you were actually going somewhere.  I have a friend who onetime told me, that guys should think Master, Mission, Mate, in that order.  In other words, know God, know what you are about, invite someone into that with you.

Finally, and this might actually be most important.  No matter what age you are, in my opinion, if you find the person you want to marry, make it happen.  This assumes they love the Lord etc. but part of being ready to be married has to do with having someone to marry.

I’d love some responses here.  When do you think people should start to think about marriage?  How do you know you are ready?  Are you ready?  What would it take to get ready?

Satan Cares About Your Singleness

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You’re not good looking enough.  There is no one for you.  You can’t get the one you want. You’re too fat (insert tall, skinny, short, etc).  No one cares.  Your church doesn’t care. You’re alone.  It’s all your fault.  You’ve already messed it up – God isn’t going to send you someone.  It doesn’t matter anyway go ahead and. . . .

Have you ever heard any of these in your head?  Ever wonder where they come from? What’s interesting is I’ve had a lot of these thoughts (and a host of others) at one time or another and yet that’s the only place I’ve heard them.  For example as I’ve mentioned before, I thought part of the reason I couldn’t succeed with women was that I wasn’t good enough looking – but a funny thing – no woman has ever actually told me that.

So where do all these thoughts come from?

There’s whole lot to consider here but we need to step back and get a look.

First off we are wounded in life.  Stuff happens.  We sin and others sin against us.  This starts pretty much the day we are born.  And guess what – it affects the way we think about ourselves.  This starts with our parents and the messages we receive from them and it just keeps going.  We receive a message and then there is an interpretation of that message.

Here’s an example.  When I was in third grade I got picked on by some sixth graders. They threatened me on the way home from school.  For the first time in my life as a kid, I was scared of injury from another person.  I can still see that kids fist in my face.

That’s one event.   But in my third grade mind I was now weak.  Once you have an interpretation other events begin to get interpreted the same way.  In fifth grade a peer straight up punched me in the face as hard as he could.  Now I didn’t even fall, but I didn’t fight back.  What’s interesting is that I could have thought, “I just took that kids best punch and I’m not hurt – I’m tough.” Instead, I took it as another confirmation that I was weak.

When we get wounded is we interpret it somehow.  And friends there is a freaking battle over that interpretation.  

There are three voices that come at us. The voice of God, our own voice, and the voice of the enemy – the demonic. Yup, you read that right.  There’s a spiritual war.  At least that’s what the Bible says.  Jesus talks about it, Paul talks about it, and Peter talks about it.  So if these guys are talking about it, seems like it might be real.

Now we in the western church like to say it’s real but then we live like it’s not.  Which is fairly stupid.  Sure once in a while we read a story or a book (hello C.S. Lewis and Screwtape – geesh even Lewis is talking about it, and if he says it’s real. . . ).  Now and then we mention it in a sermon.  But that’s about it for the most part.  It’s like “hey you’re in this war but don’t worry about it.”

We live our life like there are only two people on the stage – us and God.  This is not a good idea, and it’s not Biblical.  

At any rate, when a wounding event happens, the enemy wants to use it.  Now so too does God of course.  But the key is, who am I going to agree with?  When we agree with the enemy we give them power (a foothold if you will) and they can run with it.

This is why Paul says to take every thought captive.  Where is it coming from?  Own it.

What does this have to do with singleness?

Well it isn’t a singleness problem per se.  It’s an everybody problem.  But we are part of everybody and one of our contexts is singleness.  So if I’m the enemy and I know that you are single, and all that goes with that, I’m pretty sure I’m using it (in the same way if you are married I’m using that and all that goes with it).

Let’s assume the demonic are real. Think they might care who you date, what you do on a date or who or if you get married?  If you are called to singleness do you think they might want to mess with that?  Do you think they might want to use it against your relationship with God?

I’ll talk more about this – but for today I want to ask you this question.  Have you ever actually considered that the enemy cares about your singleness?

Paul says we fight a battle against flesh, the world, and the enemy.  We don’t get to leave any of those out.

What Paul Is Not Saying

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A lot of married people have told me over the years that I should enjoy ministry as a single person because when (notice not if) I get married then I will not be able to do as much for the Lord.

I’ve determined that most of these people have no idea what they are talking about.  I don’t mean that as a slam at all.  I just think that most people haven’t lived it.  It comes mostly from people who have a tough situation or who got married really early and the last thing they remember about being single was what it was like as an a person in their early twenties.

This whole thought process is based on a bunch of wrong understandings and assumptions.

A lot of it comes from what I would call a misinterpretation of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted to mean that a person can do more ministry as a single.

But I don’t think that is actually what Paul is saying when you put it in the wider context of that scripture and certainly in the context of all scripture.

First of all if this is true then the Church should be encouraging everyone to stay single. We’d get a heck of a lot more done apparently. But obviously this is not the case.  Hmm. So I can be more devoted to the Lord as a single but I should get married.  Confused yet? So are they.

This is why it is so important to think about calling instead of making assumptions.  In the broader context it seems to me that Paul is saying live as you are called – don’t give in to societal (or I would add Church) pressures.  Are you called to singleness – don’t seek marriage.  Are you called to marriage – don’t remain single.

Paul is not trying to say that married people are any less devoted to the Lord or that they can’t do ministry.

He’s saying be aware that the married person’s number one ministry is to their spouse -that is what the covenant of marriage is all about.  Second would be their children.  But that doesn’t become their only ministry.

Paul is also not saying, as many people tell us singles, “Enjoy this season being devoted to the Lord until you get married because then you’ll be less devoted.”  Paul is not talking about a season of singleness.  He is talking about a calling to follow the Lord in a way that doesn’t include marriage.  Big difference!

This is actually one of the huge tensions single people often face.  They know that they are called to be married, and yet they are trying to serve the Lord.  Tension comes in big time when the calling seems to lead them into less chances to meet potential partners.  Let’s say you’re single and 30 and feel called to work with youth.  You work on a team with all married people.  So now you spending your free time with married people and kids. Whoops.

I have often lived in this tension.  Do I stay in my small group with all marrieds or not? Should I go do my ministry tonight or to the party?  I want to date this person but they aren’t doing any of the same ministry (church, small group, project etc) as I am.  What do I do?

The truth is that despite the common assumption, I can be extremely distracted with marriage and the things of this world even though I am presently single.  I’ve seen this totally wreck single people’s ministry and for that matter their walk with God.

I’ve actually seen many times where a person becomes a better missional person after they get married because the question is now answered and they don’t have to be distracted by it any more.  And there in lies what I think the whole of scripture would point to.

We need to take stock of our calling.  One of the tests here is if I’m not distracted by the need to marry it might be a good idea to stay single (now just because I’m distracted doesn’t mean I’m called to be married but it’s an indicator).  If on the other hand I don’t feel called to follow the Lord that way and indeed feel like I should be married then I need to pursue that.

What Paul is saying is be devoted to the Lord and take action.  When he says to “stay” as you are that is not passive – it’s an action step.  If you should get married pursue it, with the Lord obviously.  If you shouldn’t get married, pursue that – again with the Lord.

How To Survive A Marriage Sermon

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As a single person it’s easy to feel a lot of different things at church.  You can feel marginalized, left out, treated as less mature and worst of all lonely.  People forget the amount of guts it takes to go to church all by yourself.  Now often single people are invited by friends but for example when you are single and you move to a new place it takes some courage.  You don’t have a partner to go with.  I know, I’ve done it.  Same thing with checking out a small group.

But there is nothing that can bring out the bitterness, loneliness, or venom like the Marriage Sermon or worse – the Marriage Sermon Series.

I will admit that there have been times in my 20+ years of singleness that I have skipped those weeks.  Usually for one of two reasons.  Either I was hurting at the time and didn’t want to think about it, or I just figured there wasn’t anything in it for me.  That was wrong.

So today I want to talk about how to survive a Marriage Sermon.

Let’s first acknowledge that a lot of churches screw this up when it comes to singles.  One way is to not acknowledge us at all.  It’s like they just kind of assume we aren’t in the room. Another way is they often throw in a spiritual platitude or two without actually addressing it. This to me is actually worse.  Things like mentioning the gift of singleness without actually talking about it, or saying that we need to know this stuff for the time when we will be married.  AHHHHHHHHH.  Drives me crazy!

But we need to show up and here’s why.

First there is a difference between a sermon (series) on marriage and one directed solely to marrieds.  Most in my church are the first.

This is important.  Regardless of where we are going to end up, married or not, we need to have a right theology of marriage.  We need this because if we don’t understand marriage, how the heck will we understand whether or not we want to get married.  The more I understand it the more I can determine if I’m called to do it.

Secondly, it’s not just about you.  A lot of our friends are married (please see my posts pleading with you to be friends with married people) so it might be a good idea to know what they are going through.  If we are going to live in community (and for that matter the world) we are going to be interacting with married people.  Whether in community or on mission if I’m going to love married people well – and we are called to love people be they married or single – then having a working knowledge of how that all works would be key.  We like to talk about how the church often doesn’t seem to let us lead married people.  Well, what wisdom will you offer them if you don’t seek to understand marriage?

Thirdly, a lot of marriage issues have to do with selfishness and relational issues.  Hmm, I’m pretty sure we have those.  We ought to be able to pull some stuff out of those messages that could help with our friendships and other relationships.

Another big point is that a lot of marital issues ultimately stem from the colliding of two stories.  In other words marriage has the potential to bring out a lot of wounds from peoples’ pasts, relationships, and upbringing.  I think as a single person it is easier to hide these wounds (which can often be in the way of getting married in the first place).  So maybe, just maybe we could think about how our upbringing and wounds affect us as single people.  This is huge.  Why not face that stuff now?

This is one of the great advantages that marrieds often have.  What most of the people I know who go to marriage counseling take out of it is stuff that is wrong with them, be it wounds that need to be healed or sin patterns that need to be stopped.

I don’t know what the ratio of married people to single people in counseling is but I’m willing to bet it’s pretty high on the married side.  I promise you they are not more screwed up than we are.

I think we need an attitude adjustment here.  Look, I get it.  It can hurt.  It makes us realize what we don’t have and in fairness the church needs to figure out how to do singleness sermons (series).  They are wrong to not address it specifically.  But that doesn’t mean we should skip out on what they are doing right. So go and listen – for your own heart and for the hearts of others.

Do You Consumer Date?

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We live in a crazy consumer culture.  I mean we always have to have the latest thing that will somehow fulfill our latest need.  Have the Iphone 4? Don’t worry the 5 will be better, faster, more features.  So you better have it – and right now!  I had the same phone for like 6 years.  Now I get a new one every year. (Full disclosure – I’m so totally going to go get the Iphone 5)

We used to save stuff, protect stuff and use it again.  Nothing was disposable.  Now almost everything is.  Now granted with harder economic times this has changed a little. But not much.  We have a desire, there is a product to meet it.

This attitude of consumerism has leaked into every area of our culture – including the church and for sure dating and marriage.

It starts with the idea that dating and marriage is about meeting my needs.  This is part of the problem with the idea of THE ONE.  The idea that there will be one perfect person that will satisfy me or meet my needs.  This is of course false – Jesus is the only ONE.  But that isn’t what we often think.

This can cause us to go through date after date or even relationship after relationship.

We try them all on and see if it fits just right.  Which it never does.  As soon as we figure out that this person isn’t meeting our needs, it’s over.  There must be a better product (person) out there for me.  Time to trade in the Igirl 4 for the newer model.

The truth is there will always be another person.  There’s always someone hotter, who gets me better, who will meet this or that particular need.  There will always be someone else. Always.

This can also keep us from ever having a date.

It’s like all we do is window shop.  We look at someone and determine before we ever meet them if they could be THE ONE.  We determine they aren’t because of this or that factor.  We might even test drive them.  Let’s all hang out together and get to know each other as friends.  Really?!  We end up ruling people out before we ever even pursue them. Why – well I’m not attracted to her this week etc.

Some of this happens because we are just flat afraid of choosing wrong.  We’ve seen so many relationships go bad.  But some of it is we just need to get over ourselves.  I mean when we consumer date we are basically saying, “Hey I’ve got all my stuff together so I need someone who can meet my desires and needs.  So as long as you do that we are good to go.”  Everyone wants to consumer date, but no one wants to be consumer dated.

Here’s the best part – sometimes in Christianity we accidentally reinforce this idea.

We tell singles (young ones especially) that the person they marry should have all these traits.  We tell them what they are looking for – the Proverbs 31 woman or the Ephesians 5 guy.  Hahaha.  I mean who lives that out perfectly?  I can remember as a young Christian making a list of “requirements” for this person (plus she had to be hot of course – I mean you have to be attracted).  This did keep me from marrying the wrong person I guess, although it also helped keep me from marrying any person.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should have no standards – especially as a follower of Jesus.  But at the same time you don’t marry a list.  You marry a person.

This is why our understanding of marriage is so important.  It’s a covenant not a contract. It’s not a freaking purchase.  It’s a commitment for life.  Think about the vows you take (at least most of the time).  They are all about what you are going to do.  You don’t say, “I promise to be with you as long as you love me the right way.”  No!  “You say I promise to love you no matter what happens.”

This is soooo hard for most of us.  It really is.  But changing this mindset changes everything. All of a sudden I’m not looking for this person who can meet every need the way I want.  Instead I’m looking for this person who I’m going to choose to love no matter what.  Those are two totally different things.

So, are you a consumer dater?  What is it you are really looking for?