Tag Archives: singles

Mourn The Losses Of Singleness

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So when I was single in my early 20s I just figured that I would meet someone in the next couple of years.  Then as I moved to my later 20s I still kind of thought, “Hey this will happen soon enough.”  When I was in my early 30s, it was time to hurry this thing up a little. HAHA.  But in my late 30s several interesting things have happened.  First, I realized for the first time, “This thing might not happen at all.”  That was fun.  During this same time (about age 35 or so) God really walked me through some hard stuff and at the end, I’ve ended up being a lot more comfortable with who I am and being single which has been great.

One of the other things I’ve realized is that no matter what happens there is some stuff that won’t happen.

If I get married, my wife and I will not get to start out life together.  Yes I know we will start a new life together, sort of – but thats not the same thing.  I will not enjoy the wife of my youth – because I won’t be in my youth.  I won’t get to share any of the moments of victory or defeat that I’ve had over the last 20 years of ministry.

I probably won’t have kids and if I do it will be different.  I was joking with a friend on the golf course today who asked if I still wanted kids.  I said, “Maybe, but I’m 40 this fall and let’s say I get married in the next year and had a kid within a year.  I’m 42 and changing diapers.  Then I’m 50 or so when they are really ready to play catch.  When they are a teenager I’m in my late 50s.”  I still remember the first time, the summer before my sophomore year, that I beat my dad one on one in hoops.  My kid might beat me at 12.

About a year ago, I started thinking about this stuff.  And you know what it kind of hurts. Now it’s all redeemable.  In fact God has redeemed so much of my story already.  For example after working with teenagers for a long time, I’m a father figure to a pretty large amount of people.  That’s awesome and means the world to me. I love those guys. But it’s not the same thing.

We all (single, married or other wise) face loss.

We need to mourn those losses appropriately.  It’s part of being emotionally healthy.  If we deny the losses then we aren’t living in reality, we are staying in the pretend.  That is not where we want to be.

This might be obvious when we have a big physical loss, like a death of a friend or family member.  But is the less obvious stuff that creeps up on us.  Loss can come from sin (like the loss of our virginity), it can come from wounds from our childhood, or from friends. Even just the common stuff in life, things like the loss of our dreams, our youth, a business loss.

Peter Scazzero points out that typically we insulate ourselves from the hurt through things like denial (It doesn’t bother me I’m not married yet), minimizing (It’s no big deal if I don’t get to be a mom), along with rationalizing, blaming, intellectualizing, and distracting (make a joke, change the subject).

But God invites us to more.  

He invites us to enter into loss with HIm. This doesn’t mean dwell on it.  This doesn’t mean make it bigger than it is.  My cat dying and a friend dying should elicit a different amount of mourning.  By the way over reaction to a minor loss is usually a sign that there is a bigger loss that hasn’t been grieved.

God isn’t asking us to deal with it so that we can stay there, but rather so that we can move through to freedom.  There’s not space in a blog post to go into all of the process of this but here are two key things.  First we have to take it to God.  We need to take our hurt and loss to the feet of Jesus and ask Him to heal us.  Jesus is fully capable of healing any loss – He came to heal the brokenhearted and put things right.  Secondly, it will go a lot better if you have other people you can trust in the mix.  We need people who walk with us in community.

Whatever we do we need to face our losses and honestly admit it hurts.  It’s hard but freedom is worth it – whether we stay single or get married, it will help us grow.

What losses have you grieved?  What losses are you avoiding dealing with?

Are You Afraid Of Choosing Wrong

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When I was a little kid I loved when my parents would take me to the toy store.  The huge toy store that I remember was called Children’s Palace.  It was AWESOME!  I mean it had every toy.  I could spend all day in the Star Wars and G.I. Joe aisles.  There were endless action figures and vehicles.  Now the vehicles were usually for the birthday or Christmas lists but most times we went, I got to pick out one, and only one, action figure.

When I got just a little older the stakes were as I was there to pick one to spend my own allowance money on.  While on the one hand this was cool, it was also kind of stressful. There were a lot of figures and I had to choose one, just one.  Usually I would narrow it down to two or three and I would spend a lot of time (or at least what seemed to be a lot of time) trying to decide.  I’d look at them both, considering all sorts of things about them. And finally I’d pick one.  Sometimes it was the best.  Other times I had little kid buyer’s remorse and thought, “I should have gotten the other guy”.  There is a lot great about this – it’s great parenting actually – you can’t have it all, you have to pick, but you get to.

As intense as it was, that was a toy.  Now choose someone to marry.  Yikes.  

And here in lies two of the things in our culture that has created more singles than ever before. The first is that we have more choices than ever before.  We get to choose if we marry, who we marry, and when we marry.  What’s crazy of course, is that until about 150 years ago, almost no one ever had one, let alone all three, of those choices.

I was talking to my dad about the breakdown of the family in America.  I asked him why he thought that happened?  He said, “I have a theory on that” (not surprising knowing my dad).  He went on,  “100 years ago you lived in rural America and you were 18 and you met a decent girl – You married that girl because you might not meet another one.”  As funny as it is, he’s exactly right.  But then there were big cities, cars, planes, and now the internet.  The choices are endless.

And then you add to that an extreme fear of buyers remorse.  My generation and younger are scared crapless of getting it wrong.  Half of our parents are divorced, some more than once.  In the Church we’ve been told how hard marriage is and how it has all these standards.  We don’t want to choose wrong.  We have friends who marriages are brutal or who are divorced already. People are scared.

We know intellectually that there is no perfect scenario but the fear can drive us to not marry.  It leads to all sorts of things I want to touch on more later.  Things like: serial dating, fear of commitment, looking for the perfect person, consumer dating (what can they do for me), cohabitation (I’ll live with you but I’m scared to marry you), looking for faults with everyone and much more.  All of these things get in the way of marriage and can lead us to stay single even when God has not called us there.

But guess what, we probably aren’t going back to arranged marriages, although I know some people who will do it for you, so that means you are going to have to choose.  And there’s a lot good about that.  It gives us some ownership in the process and it makes us responsible.  And at the end of the day when we are married we are responsible for that.

We are going to have to choose.  How will you do that?  

Look for a blog about that soon, but here are some things to consider.  Maybe we could use some help.  Number one we need to walk with God and ask Him a lot of questions. And, we need community.  I don’t think I could write enough blogs about that.  We need people in our life who know us and who can be in this stuff with us, people who would say, “I’m worried about this one and here’s why,” or, “quit being an idiot and marry this person already.”

Finally we need to face this fear and ask if it is one of the things keeping us single when we don’t feel called to be.  We need to ask what we are really afraid of and ask God to help us fight through.  Choosing wisely makes total sense – that is from God.  Being paralyzed by fear – that is not from God.

Is It God’s Fault I’m Single?

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So I’ve read a lot of online profiles.  I mean a lot.  I don’t even want to think about the number.  Here is one of my least favorite lines, “I know that everything happens for a reason.”  This usually follows (or is followed by) some sort of statement about not knowing why they still haven’t found “the one”.  I hate this line.  I call it Oprah theology.

A lot of Christians put their own sort of twists on it.  “I know God has a plan” or “God made this happen for a reason” or “I don’t know why but God does” or “God has His reasons” and so on.  I don’t really like those much better.  Especially when it comes to marriage and singleness.

I can’t count the times someone has asked me why God has me single, or “encouraged” me by saying that God has a plan, therefore implying that me being single right now is because God wants that.  Worst of all is when single people use it to hide from dealing with their sin, insecurity, and hurt.  Or they use it to keep from engaging the opposite sex. “It’s God’s deal so I don’t have to do anything.”  That’s convenient.

First of all this is not the point of God’s sovereignty.  God’s sovereignty should be a launching pad not a hiding place.  If God is sovereign then I am free to deal with all of this stuff.  I’m free to deal with my sin.  I’m free to face my insecurity.  I’m free to deal with my pain and loneliness.  If I feel called to marriage, I’m free to actually pursue that.  Because if God’s got it, then I can go for it.

Now maybe you are reading this and thinking, “I really believe God wants me to be single right now.”  That is great.  If you’ve been engaged with God (preferably in community) and that is what you feel He is telling you, I absolutely affirm that.  Sometimes we are called to singleness for a season. Or maybe you are called to be single for good.  That is awesome. If you are following His call to singleness that is right on. In fact I think it is essential that we ask Him these questions so that’s not what I’m talking about here.

What I’m talking about is blaming God or hiding behind God.  I’m talking about assuming that it’s God’s fault that I’m single.  What if it’s my fault?  What if at different times it’s been other’s fault? What if it’s because I don’t know how to get married? Heck, what if it’s spiritual warfare (you know that thing that we say exists but never actually live like is happening)?  Do you think there might be a battle over your love life?

There are a lot of reasons that we are single (we each have an unique story) but we need to be careful before we start assigning it all to God.  For one thing, if it is all God’s fault then it is also God’s fault that 49% of Americans are single.  It would mean that back in the day God wanted everyone to be married early but then about 25 years ago He changed His mind.  He said, “You know I’m tired of everyone being married, lets change it up.”

Look, I’m not pretending to know God’s will. But really who does? What we do know for sure is that His grace is big enough to redeem and use any situation for good.  We know that He can use our singleness or marriage (or any other situation) to bring us closer to Him.  That is the whole point – that is the one thing we know He wants.

Are You Disqualified From Marriage?

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One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting and my favorite scene comes toward the end.  Will (played by Matt Damon) is meeting with his counselor (played by Robin Williams).  Williams pulls out Damon’s file and talks about all the abuse he has faced in his life.  He then says, “Will, I don’t know a lot, but this, all of it, it’s not your fault.”  Will says, “I know” very nonchalantly.  Williams then says it again, and again, and again until finally Will, after getting very agitated, falls into his arms.  You see Will knew intellectually that it wasn’t his fault, but until that moment he didn’t KNOW that it wasn’t.

I think we do this with forgiveness.  Around a year ago I was having a cigar with a good friend.  This guy is one of the best guys I know – smart, fun, talented and a good friend to people.  Without going much into his story he has some issues with religion.  As we were sitting there discussing this I said, “You know that you’re forgiven right?”  He stopped in his tracks. He kind of tried to skirt the issue but I just kept hammering it.  A month later we met up and he said, “Thanks for screwing up my life – I mean that.”  He knew it intellectually but he just then began to KNOW it.

I bring this up because I think it relates to thoughts we can have as a single person.  We watch marriages around us and we think about all the reasons we are not married.  One of the things that can creep in is “It’s because I sinned.”  It’s as if we think somehow we have disqualified ourselves before God.  Now we probably wouldn’t ever say this but if we are honest many of us have had the thought.  God is not punishing your sin with singleness.

Now if you have unrepentant sin, that could certainly get in the way of getting married, among other things. Let’s say for example you are sleeping around, that might not be the best time to say to God, “Will you just bring me a spouse.”  It’s important to understand that how we are living affects our situation.  But that is not what I’m talking about here.

What I’m saying is that you are not disqualified from marriage because of sin.  God is not holding out on you or punishing you because of it.  It’s not a marriage qualifier.  If it was, no one, and I mean no one, would be married.  All the people you see married – they have sinned too.  You say, “Well Justin, you don’t get it, I’ve done really bad in this area of life.” You’ve slept with 100 people, dated the wrong people, had an abortion, looked at porn, or masturbated a river. . . I do get it.  God’s grace is bigger.  You are forgiven.  God is not holding it against you and keeping you from having a spouse because of it.

I think we kind of understand forgiveness as a means to salvation – which is mainly an intellectual exercise.  I don’t think we get it as a means to freedom in life – we don’t live out of it.

This is extremely dangerous as a single when we assign it to dating.  First of all as I mentioned earlier, you don’t earn a spouse.  Secondly, it can lead us to very bad choices because we have a bad view of ourselves. We can decide that we have to marry someone who has sinned the same way as us, which can lead us to bad situations and rule out people.  We can think, well I’ve had sex so I have to marry someone who has, I’m divorced so I have to marry someone else who is.  The list goes on.  That’s not a very good approach.  It also leads to the idea that singleness is a punishment from God.  But worst of all, it short changes God’s grace.  It basically says that God’s grace is good enough for salvation (a ticket to heaven) but it can’t free me from much here.  That is a lie straight from hell.

If you are in Christ, your sin is forgiven and you’re not disqualified from Heaven.  You are a new creation.  Jesus has paid for it.  Which do you think is easier, getting you into heaven or getting you married?

You know you are forgiven right?  How would you date different if you knew you were free?

Singles Segregation

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I remember the first time I walked into my church 7 years ago. There was a lot of things I liked.  I’m not gonna lie, as a 32 year old single guy, one of those was that half the church was single.  But here is another part I liked, there was no singles group.  Now at first this might seem odd.  But here is what went through my head when I first found that out, “So, we are equal here.”

Now I want to come clean and admit that I’ve never actually been a part of a big “singles group”.  But I don’t see how it helps the overall community of the church.  I’ve never been one for dividing everyone up.  It seems to me that if we want community then we should mix it up, not split it up.  We have so much to learn from people that are different from us in context, age, and every other demographic.

A lot of this stems from the fact that we church shop these days with two questions in mind.  One, are these people like me (affinity church shopping) and two, what are they going to do for me (consumer church shopping).  So what we end up with is a program for everything.  Of course the bigger the church, the more programs. It makes the church less local, and more like Walmart.  So if I’m married with kids I look for the best youth program church.  If I’m single I look for the Church of the Hot Chick. In the process we miss hanging out with all sorts of people.

I guess it is easier if we are all coming from the same place, so to speak, because we have common experiences etc.  I get it.  I just don’t think it’s worth what we lose.  Truth be told many singles like it because it’s a way to maybe meet their spouse.  But what if you don’t?

To me this sort of division makes no sense and here’s why.  First and foremost we need each other.  I recently corresponded with someone who wanted to help single people, but even though their church had a huge singles program they didn’t know any of them. Why? Because they meet in the married small group.  How can we learn from and about each other if we aren’t ever together.

Secondly I think in a way it devalues friendships and frankly singles.  So let’s say I’m in a singles group for three years.  Then I get married, heck let’s take a step further and say my plan of going there to meet a spouse works, and I marry someone from the group.  So now what?  Do I “graduate” to the married group?  Do I leave all my single friends that I’ve spent all this time with?  I mean one week I’m at the singles small group, the next week I’m at a married one?  Really?

What if I’m called to be single?  If I’m 60 and single am I still in the group?  Hahaha, no, now I probably have to lead the singles group – except that all the young singles are scared to follow me for fear of ending up single.  What if I’m a single parent – single parents’ group? Yikes!

I get that it’s hard.  I know we struggle with this at our church.  Someone who is single ends up in a small group with all marrieds and a single person 15 years older than them.  A married couple with kids end up in a group with almost all singles.  Believe me I get it.  But I still think that the value of true cross context community is worth the cost.

Now this isn’t to say we shouldn’t have specific ministry to marrieds and singles.  I think it’s great to have events, forums, studies, and retreats on all this stuff. If you have a study/forum/reatreat on marriage, it will be mostly marrieds that go, but would it be wrong for singles to be there?  If you had a study/forum/weekend on singleness it would be mostly singles who would be there (ok probably just singles – but that’s part of the problem).  But if you are going to study Matthew or Genesis, I don’t get it.  Wouldn’t a variety of viewpoints  be beneficial?

So talk to me.  What has been your experience?  Should we be segregated by marital status or should we fight to be in it together across that status?  Why?

Single People Should Do More Ministry – Not!

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When I first started out in my career (which happens to be full time ministry) I used to work about 70 hours a week.  I’m not exaggerating.   I was young, fired up, and I just went at it. It was driven by a lot of things, including the desire to be successful, to be noticed and win approval on the bad side, love of the mission, love of the people, and desire to change the world on the good side.  But what this did, quietly and slowly, was to begin to shape my identity by what I did and not who I was.  It was not my organization’s fault.  It was mine. This of course is a trap for anyone, married, single or otherwise.  Things other than Jesus are always vying for the throne of our life.  As I mentioned in a previous blog even our marriage, singleness or kids can become our identity.

But when you are single there is this subtle (or often not so subtle) message from the Church – “Your single, so you can serve anytime.  You have time, you are free from other things – you should be doing more.”  We believe this stuff and we start living that way.

It’s pushed on us all the time. I’ve heard married people say, how they wish they could do the ministry we can do.  This is kind of an accidental subtle shot at us.  So, the reason that I’m successful is because I’m single?  Might it have something to do with being good at it? Secondly, how do you explain that almost every protestant pastor is married – as are elders, leaders in Christian organizations and on and on.  I don’t think being good at it has much to do with marital status – it has to do with God, obedience and gifting among other things.  Personally, all the people I look up to the most in ministry are married.

Now there is some truth in this for non paid ministry person.  A single person with a full time secular job (not that there isn’t ministry in that) does have more time to give to other stuff than a married person – especially one with kids.  But this idea that as a single person I’m not busy, have no personal life, no personal passions, and no limits is wrong.  By the way it is just as wrong to assume that a married person can’t serve – don’t say no for them. I’ll admit I’ve ruled people out that I shouldn’t have.

In fact part of the danger of this is that it sends two bad messages. 1. If you are single, your personal life and time is less valuable than a married person’s and 2. Once you are married you can’t do anything but be married.  Yikes these are so wrong!  A third danger is that as a single person it is easy to hide in ministry or work, just like as a married person it is easy to hide in being married or parenting (If you are married you can also hide from your family in ministry or work – but that is a different blog).

We need to realize that one is not better than another.  They are instead different, with different needs and advantages.  We have to do ministry differently.  I do have more flexibility as a single person and I should use it for the kingdom.  I can meet you late a night for a drink and conversation, but guess what I also go home . . . alone.  Know what I’m saying here?  I don’t have to be home for dinner, but I also don’t have a safe family environment to invite you into.  There are million examples.

Look, we are all called and all needed.  One of the most attractive things about the kingdom to an outside person should be the diversity within it.  But we’ve got to respect, not judge, each others’ situations and help each other (read push each other) to grow, yes in ministry, but also in life.

So, what is your identity in?  Do you hide in ministry? Or do you hide from ministry?  What are some ways we can help each other grow?

Unequally Yoked – What Does That Even Mean?

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One of the phrases we tell Christian single people all the time is to not be unequally yoked. But I think sometimes we take this to mean things that it doesn’t.  If we get this wrong it can lead to a lot of traps both as the person who is “further along” and as the person who is “not quite there” so to speak.

Now this saying comes straight from scripture.  Paul is writing to the Corinthian believers (2nd Cor. 6) who lived in an extremely pagan society.  They were a mess themselves and obviously still working out what it meant to be a believer in such a setting (kind of like us actually).  Paul is talking to them about being holy and set apart in lifestyle, thought, and deed.  He knew it would be easy for them to combine (yoke) pagan ways with their new found faith, and therefore fall away from true holiness.  So he says to them, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

Now you’ll notice of course that Paul did not say, don’t talk to, don’t love, or don’t have contact with unbelievers.  That would be impossible and it wouldn’t advance the kingdom. He is saying we shouldn’t be tied to or partnering in their ways with them.  We are set apart and we need to live that way, not taking on pagan ways.

It’s important to note that this particular scripture was not really talking about marriage. However, there is no way to pretend that this idea does not apply to the main partnership that many of us will have.  Paul says this in 1 Cor. 7 when he says that an unmarried is free to marry but it must be to someone who is in the Lord.

But here is where this gets tricky as a single person trying to navigate dating and the search for a spouse.  We can take unequally yoked to a whole other level.  We can take it to mean that we must be in the “Same Place Spiritually”.  In other words, at the same maturity level etc.  Here’s the problem – What the heck does that even mean?

First of all no two people are in the exact same place in their journey with the Lord. Everyone has a different story, different gifts, strengths and weaknesses and so on.  You are not going to find someone exactly equal to you.  Secondly, people have ups and downs in their journey.  Part of the advantage of having a partnership (marriage or even community) is that you can take turns helping each other when one is down and the other is up.  Finally, our view of ourselves comes into play here.  If I have too much self righteousness going on, I can unfairly judge another’s walk as inferior to mine.  Or if I view myself as bad or not very mature – guess who I will end up dating based on that (future blog on this).  The point is the idea Paul is talking about is not that I need to find someone exactly where I am at – because I’m not going to.

So what is Paul saying?  Really he is saying at it’s simplest form that we need to date (and therefore marry) people who are believers.  I’ll go out on a limb here and take this a step further.  It think it is about direction.  If you are going to make it in marriage, you need to be aiming for the same thing.  In order to be in it together you have to be going the same direction and hopefully pushing each other there.  You need to be good for each other’s walk with Jesus.

Our first call is to follow Jesus, period.  We need to date people that are serious about that call.  If we don’t we are setting ourselves up to be forever single (by the way some of us keep choosing people we know we can’t marry on purpose – even it is subconsciously) or worse, for a really tough marriage.

When you think of being equally yoked, what comes to mind first?  Do you date only people who are good for your walk with Jesus?

Are You Single, Married, Or A Follower Of Jesus

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I moved to St. Louis just over eight years ago.  It’s a great city and I have grown to love it. Just like any other city it has it’s own culture.  I’ve learned there are a few really important things in St. Louis.  The Cardinals, Budweiser, Ted Drewes, and where you went to high school.  No lie this is one of the first things people ask a new person they’ve just met, “Where did you go to high school?” People identify certain areas of town and certain schools with particular stereotypes.

This search for identity is a constant in our culture.  Where do you work?  What church do you go to? Where do you live? And of course, are you married or single?

It is so easy to fall into this trap.  We often identify ourselves as married or single first.  Now to some degree this makes sense.  The truth is that married people do deal with different things than single people. But it becomes a problem when it becomes our core identity. When our core identity is in anything other than Jesus we are heading towards trouble.

This is harmful for both marrieds and singles and it can be even worse for those who are parents.  We become wrapped up in our context instead of our savior. We start hanging out with only the people who are in our same context. We start seeing our relationship with Jesus through the lens of our situation instead of the other way around.

I’ve seen this shine through in my prayer life. For a long time the number one thing I prayed about was my singleness.  So much so that I struggled to pray without mentioning it. Whether it was asking God to bring me someone (or a particular someone), being mad at God for what was going on in that area of my life, or just generally complaining about it – a huge majority of my prayer life has centered on it.  This doesn’t even get into my thought life and all that goes with that.

I would go so far as to say this even happens with the word Christian.  We end up saying we want a “Christian marriage” or a we need to date in a “Christian” way.  What does that even mean?  The word Christian is one of the most confusing words in the world.  It means so many different things to so many different people.

What we need to be is Christ centered.  We need Jesus to be in the center of our marriages, singleness and yes if we are so blessed, even in our parenting.  I see a lot of people raising “Christian” kids, but very few raising their kids to be Jesus followers.

You might say, “Well Justin that is all semantics,” but I’d submit that semantics matter, a lot actually.  We need to stop trying to be Christian and start trying to walk with Jesus.  I can do a lot of right Christian things without even involving Jesus.

If Jesus is our identity all of a sudden there is a whole lot less to be divided about.  All of a sudden we can be in community with all sorts of different people, married, single and otherwise because now our common bond isn’t our situation but instead is Jesus.  It means that we can learn from each other in the context of Him instead of our particular context.

Jesus wants to be in the middle of it with us.  He wants to guide us in our own unique setting and He wants us to walk with all sorts of people regardless of theirs.

So let me ask you, how do you identify yourself?  Do you have a Christian marriage or a marriage that Jesus is leading?  Are you looking or a Christian relationship or a Christ centered one?  If we are marrieds or singles we are always going to be divided.  If on the other hand we are Jesus followers who happen to be married or single, then we’ve got a whole new ball game.

The Prodigal Married and the Indignant Single

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There were once two friends who grew up together.  The first friend tried their best to live the “Christian” life.  They went to church, followed the “rules” and when it came to sexual purity they kept it, not having sex with anyone.  The second friend started out that way but sometime in high school they changed.  They decided they didn’t like the rules as much as they liked sex.  They didn’t keep their purity at all and in fact did crazy things.  They then pretty much left church and frankly God as well.

Then one day the second friend realized that this was not working.  Some other friends introduced them to Jesus in a real way and they began to follow Him.  Eventually this friend quit having sex with people (this was not easy and cost them a relationship or two) and they committed their sex life to God and waited until marriage.  Then they met someone and fell in love.  The Lord was in it and they got married.

This friend called the other and asked them to be in the wedding.  This first friend still had not had sex with anyone and still wasn’t married.  They did what was right and yet, God had not brought them a spouse.  The first friend of course went to the wedding and “celebrated” but they were conflicted.  “Why does this other person who went out and squandered the gift of sex get someone to love and to hold?”  “What about me?” they asked.  “How come I have been fighting to be pure and do what is right and yet you (God) have not rewarded me with a spouse – which is something I’ve always wanted?”  They love their friend but they didn’t really enjoy the wedding – or their friend.

The story of the “prodigal son” is one of the most used (often misused) stories in the Bible. It is a truly great parable.  I’ve heard it used over and over, mainly as a call to repentance to stop wandering and come home to Jesus.  The truth of the matter (as everyone from Keller to Bell) has pointed out lately, is that this story is not so much about the prodigal son as it is about God (all parables are about God first – that’s for free) and about the older son.

Jesus is not directing this story at the lost.  He is directing it at the Pharisees and teachers of the law.  The whole point of the story, in it’s context, wasn’t to call home the lost but instead to let the Pharisees know that they were missing it.  They were standing outside the party.  They were unable to celebrate the lost coming home because of their own self righteousness.

As single Christians this is a trap we have to watch out for.  The trap of resentment and bitterness.  This can happen when someone who has lived the crazy life seems to somehow be rewarded with a spouse quickly while we who are “morally good” don’t have that gift.  It can happen when we are in our 30s and single and we see people way younger than us get married while we are still waiting.

It’s usually almost subconscious but it can sneak it’s way in.  We might end up judging them, “they don’t deserve it” or “I hope it works out but I don’t know. . .” etc.  We end up feeling sorry for ourselves, “but I’ve done everything right“, or “I guess I’m just not going to get to be happy. . ” etc.  Mostly we end up indignant with God as if He owes us a spouse or somehow is holding out on us.

Obviously this keeps us outside the party – which is not where we want to be.  It can keep us from enjoying our friend, their day and what God is doing in their life. And if we let it go unchecked it can create bitterness and cynicism that stays with us in this area of our life – and that can lead to either giving up on sexual purity, or maybe worse, more self righteousness.

We have to fight to follow Jesus into the party and celebrate what He is doing there.  It’s worth it to be there and it’s not about us.

Are You Electable?

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So a few years ago after I realized that I was the problem and that I had basically no understanding of how female attraction worked – and I was screwing it up ten other ways, I called a mentor friend of mine and said, “Hey I’ve got big problems here.”  He said, “Well fly out here and we’ll fix it.”  Now I’ll admit I was a little fearful of this trip but hey I was desperate and I knew I was lost, so I booked the flight.

Basically we had an all day counseling session.  I left with a lot of truths.  But here was the overall premise.  My friend said, “Look, you are a strong guy, and you’ve got a lot going for you.  You’d make a great husband, everyone agrees with that.  But you know what, there are a lot of people who would make a great President.  The problem is most of them can’t get elected.”

I laughed, and cringed.  It was an incredible insight.  I think this is a huge problem for many of us single folks who feel like we are called to marriage.  We want to be married.  We want to have the “Christian” marriage that everyone keeps talking about, even though we understand that it will take work and sacrifice – we still desire it and think we are made for it.  And the truth is many of us would make a great spouse – while of course always being a work in progress. The problem isn’t do we want to be married or would we be a good marriage partner.  The problem is we don’t know how to get married – we can’t get elected.

The church community, including us singles, needs to step up in this area. We can talk all day about marriage and all the things not to do as a single person.  And I want to re-emphasize that those things are indeed important.  But I’m not sure that we do a lot to actually help people get married.

One time a pastor at our church was giving the one sermon on singleness I’ve heard him preach (sorry can’t help it).  He actually was doing really well.  Then he dropped this line, “Now some of you are just awkward (read unelectable).  That’s ok, you just need to work on it.  If you don’t know where you’re awkward come find me and I’ll tell you.”  Now he actually had a great point that most pastors are afraid to say, but he wasn’t going to personally follow up with 1000 single people.

But in community we actually could work on this.  And as single people we need to have the humility and frankly the bravery to work on this.  We need to ask questions like, How do I come off to the opposite sex?, What type of people do I date and why?, Am I pursuable or do I have a huge wall up?, Am I afraid to commit?, What kind of first impression do I make?, Why am I so nervous to approach a girl I’m interested in?, and many more.  We need to evaluate ourselves as well as ask others and let them speak into this. This is not a beat ourselves up moment. It’s a real talk moment.

The thing is there are actually honest answers to these questions.  And the best part is you can change them.  You really can.  But if you don’t face them then you probably won’t.  By the way all of this goes way beyond dating.  The root answers to these questions come from our fears, sins, and woundedness, none of which come from God.  They are affecting our lives in all sorts of ways.  Jesus wants to grow and heal us from them, but we have to dive in with Him and His community.

So here is the question – Are you electable?