I’ve decided that it’s time to tackle a few questions people have either emailed me or left on my suggestions and ideas page. I’ve frankly been sort of neglectful in doing so. I want to be clear as I do this about a couple of things.
1. I’m not an advice columnist and I sure don’t claim to have all of the answers on any of this. I have some answers. I do know that we for sure need to have the conversation – which is why I started the blog.
2. Everyone’s situation is different. It can be hard to give hard exact advice or support without being in it with someone enough to know them and their context. Therefore it may be more general than desired.
WIth all that in mind, here we go.
Stephen recently asked three questions. You can see them here. Today I want to try to address just the first one.
I want to know how confidence that Christ is my savior, and accepts me, and is going to raise me from the dead, is supposed to bleed over into confidence in dating. Women all magically detect “confidence” right? Are they detecting that I believe Christ is my savior, or are they detecting how likely I think they are to say yes to a date? Because I can have all the confidence in salvation I want, and know for plenty of good and sufficient reasons that my odds of success in getting a date are low. They’re two different things. Which one are women actually looking for, and which one is it they magically detect?
I’ve talked quite a lot about the fact that confidence is attractive to women. I’ve also suggested that because we are in Christ, we as Christian men should have confidence. This is probably what leads to Stephen’s first question, which is a good one.
There are sort of two separate aspects here.
The first is women are indeed attracted to confidence. By this I mean that a man who knows who he is, what he’s about, carries himself in a strong manner and is not intimidated by them. Now this doesn’t mean that every woman is attracted to every confident guy. What it means is that confidence in general is attractive to women.
Now a lot of guys are confident in things other than dealing with women. But, the problem is that many men are not so confident around women and probably most are especially not confident around a woman they are extremely attracted to. There are many reasons for this. Partly men are confident when they know what to do and most men don’t know what to do in that situation. Other men want to “win” the girl and in the process become afraid of losing or messing it up. They end up “needing” her. They give in too much and can’t handle when she tests their strength (knowingly or unknowingly).
This all leads into the nice guy problem that Stephen raises in his second question which I’ll address in a future post.
The point here is that the women are attracted to men who are confident with them. Now confidence in a different area may get a woman’s attention. This happened to me lots of times.
For example, one time I was speaking and because I’m confident in that, there was a woman who was attracted to me. I was confident in my approach at that point, so she stayed attracted and we went out. However, at that point in my life, I was totally insecure once I really liked her and didn’t know how to take it further. She fell out of attraction so to speak.
The second part of the question has to do with confidence in Christ and how that plays in.
Jesus is for sure the most attractive person of all time. People were drawn to Him. I believe that as a believer we do have Him with us and I do believe that can be attractive. But that isn’t really what I mean by confidence in Christ. I also am not saying that having confidence in salvation makes us attractive to women. While that confidence is obviously important, it doesn’t necessarily translate to attractiveness to others.
The reality is this. Being a believer on the surface is neutral. I don’t think it make us less attractive to women, but I don’t think it makes us more attractive either. This is why we have all of these Christian women saying there are no Christian guys. What they mean is there are no guys they are attracted to that are Christians.
So when Stephen asks “Are they detecting that I believe Christ is my savior, or are they detecting how likely I think they are to say yes to a date?”, I’m saying the second. But here is where one should tie into the other.
It’s not that my confidence in salvation per se makes me confident with women. The question is what do I believe about myself as a person “in Christ”. If my identity is in Christ, then I don’t have to be worried about what a particular woman thinks. It should make me less needy. My world won’t rise of fall on how it goes with a particular person.
All of that is of course, much easier to say than live out of. But if I can begin to grasp that I’m of high value (worth dying for, equal to everyone else, unashamed and brave) then that’s a good start. It enables me to take risks, including the risk to change how I interact with women.
The truth is that a lot of what men (including and maybe especially Christian men) are taught (or not taught as the case may be) about how to interact with women is wrong. More on that soon.