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Don’t Have THE TALK!

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Here are the words that no person wants to hear, “We need to talk.”  Just typing it makes me cringe a little.  This is because we know what is coming next and it’s not good.  It means someone is about to have THE TALK.  This could be called the “define the relationship talk” or what I call the “talk them into it talk”.  It is always bad and never has to happen.

The truth is that if you have to have THE TALK you are probably screwed.  When both people like each other there is a pretty natural flow.  Now I don’t mean that you don’t talk about your relationship and what you are thinking.  I’m talking about pretending you don’t know the truth and then trying to control it with a conversation.

This is different for men and women.

Let’s start with the ladies.  Ladies can often feel the need for THE TALK a few months into the relationship or even after a few dates.  Now if this is into the relationship this is probably the guys fault and we’ll get to that later.  But ladies this is almost never a good idea.  And I want to warn you, make sure you actually want to hear the answer before you ask for THE TALK.

If you are deep into a relationship (meaning months not a few dates) and the guy is not pursuing you or leading the relationship that’s bad news.  It means one of two things. It may be that he is not that into you and is too passive, comfortable, or lazy to break up.  It may also be that he has something going on inside of him that is keeping him from leading forward (this could be sin, woundeness, or just immaturity). I’ll admit I’ve been both those guys.  No matter what it’s you can’t fix it.

You should indeed have a conversation here.  But rather than create a dramatic moment that for sure will backfire, here’s a couple of ways you could approach it.  You could just ask him calmly how he feels about the relationship, where he sees it going.  You will know by his answer right?  Then you can either give it a little more time or break it off.

Now, on the other hand if it is early on, after a few dates and you just aren’t sure (although honestly you probably know) then I think it’s ok to test it to get a better idea.  Try making a plan further out in the future.  What’s his reaction.  Look, if a guy is into you, you’ll know 90% of the time.  If you feel like he’s not it’s ok to bolt.  If you really like him and he chases you down, then great.  But if he doesn’t he was looking for a way out to begin with.  Don’t lay your whole heart out there after a few dates.  He hasn’t earned that.  You are worth pursuing right?

And ladies.  If there is someone you like who is not pursuing you, do not ask him out.  Now I’m going to write a post soon on how you can help a guy you like ask you out.  But even then you can only lead a horse to water.  He has to want to go out with you.

Gentlemen we typically have the talk when we like someone but aren’t dating them.  This is perhaps the most ridiculous idea ever.  And yet I’ve done it.  Many times actually.  It hurts me more than you know to type that and I can tell you it does not work.  It makes you desperate and unattractive.

Typically it happens like this.  We have someone we’ve met (or even just seen around – heaven have mercy) and we aren’t dating them.  We haven’t even really asked them out. Maybe we’ve been in a small group or we work with them or whatever.  We’ve probably become “friends” with them (post coming soon).  But we decide that now is the time to declare our intentions.

It seems almost noble and sort of “Christian” but I assure you it isn’t.  All that is going to happen is you are going to put a huge amount of pressure on the situation.  No matter what she says, it’s going to go bad.  Look, here is how to find out if a girl likes you.  Ask her out.  If she says yes go on a short first date.  If she says no then move on.  Do not have THE TALK.  For the love of all things, do not think that you are going to talk her into liking you.

Here’s what THE TALK really is.  It is an attempt to avoid or change reality.  You already know the answer.

So have you ever had THE TALK?  Have you ever seen it actually work?

A Week Off

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Hey Friends and Readers New and Old

I will be taking a week off of blogging this week.  I’m traveling with work and will have extremely limited access to the internet – which won’t be all bad.

It’s been a great last four months blogging here with you.  I’m always humbled to think that anyone would read what I write so thanks.  I’m also excited about what we are talking about.  I’m still learning how to think about it and I think it’s important.  So thanks for being a part of it.  I’m thankful for the comments here, the private emails and other communications.

I’ll be back next week.

 

Justin

Are You Single, Married, Or A Follower Of Jesus

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I moved to St. Louis just over eight years ago.  It’s a great city and I have grown to love it. Just like any other city it has it’s own culture.  I’ve learned there are a few really important things in St. Louis.  The Cardinals, Budweiser, Ted Drewes, and where you went to high school.  No lie this is one of the first things people ask a new person they’ve just met, “Where did you go to high school?” People identify certain areas of town and certain schools with particular stereotypes.

This search for identity is a constant in our culture.  Where do you work?  What church do you go to? Where do you live? And of course, are you married or single?

It is so easy to fall into this trap.  We often identify ourselves as married or single first.  Now to some degree this makes sense.  The truth is that married people do deal with different things than single people. But it becomes a problem when it becomes our core identity. When our core identity is in anything other than Jesus we are heading towards trouble.

This is harmful for both marrieds and singles and it can be even worse for those who are parents.  We become wrapped up in our context instead of our savior. We start hanging out with only the people who are in our same context. We start seeing our relationship with Jesus through the lens of our situation instead of the other way around.

I’ve seen this shine through in my prayer life. For a long time the number one thing I prayed about was my singleness.  So much so that I struggled to pray without mentioning it. Whether it was asking God to bring me someone (or a particular someone), being mad at God for what was going on in that area of my life, or just generally complaining about it – a huge majority of my prayer life has centered on it.  This doesn’t even get into my thought life and all that goes with that.

I would go so far as to say this even happens with the word Christian.  We end up saying we want a “Christian marriage” or a we need to date in a “Christian” way.  What does that even mean?  The word Christian is one of the most confusing words in the world.  It means so many different things to so many different people.

What we need to be is Christ centered.  We need Jesus to be in the center of our marriages, singleness and yes if we are so blessed, even in our parenting.  I see a lot of people raising “Christian” kids, but very few raising their kids to be Jesus followers.

You might say, “Well Justin that is all semantics,” but I’d submit that semantics matter, a lot actually.  We need to stop trying to be Christian and start trying to walk with Jesus.  I can do a lot of right Christian things without even involving Jesus.

If Jesus is our identity all of a sudden there is a whole lot less to be divided about.  All of a sudden we can be in community with all sorts of different people, married, single and otherwise because now our common bond isn’t our situation but instead is Jesus.  It means that we can learn from each other in the context of Him instead of our particular context.

Jesus wants to be in the middle of it with us.  He wants to guide us in our own unique setting and He wants us to walk with all sorts of people regardless of theirs.

So let me ask you, how do you identify yourself?  Do you have a Christian marriage or a marriage that Jesus is leading?  Are you looking or a Christian relationship or a Christ centered one?  If we are marrieds or singles we are always going to be divided.  If on the other hand we are Jesus followers who happen to be married or single, then we’ve got a whole new ball game.