Here’s a question you have to answer. “Are you good looking or not?”
For a long time my answer was no – hard to believe right? Ha. I grew up not really thinking I was good looking and then in college I somehow thought I was and then in my 20s thought I wasn’t. Confused? So was I. What’s funny is that when I go back and look at pictures in a yearbook, I was actually a pretty good looking guy.
One of the big traps as a guy is to think that your looks are the main thing that makes you attractive to a girl. Now I think looks matter to women but not in the same way that they do to us. According to most women I know, it is about an overall way we carry ourselves more than looks per se. And let’s be honest, we just aren’t as good to look at as women.
However how we look does matter in several ways and how we think we look is hugely important.
For starters I think being in shape and “looking our best” sends a message to women. It says, “I have my self together” and/or “I care about myself physically.” I think how a guy looks matters in that way. If he is in shape it says that he has some sort of discipline, that he takes care of stuff (and therefore might take care of her). It might be subconscious but women notice it on some level.
But WAY more important is how you carry yourself as a man.
I’ve talked being confident and how that makes us “hot” to women. What we think of how we look affects our confidence level. What I’m saying is that our looks affect our view of ourself way more than a woman’s view of us. This is part of the reason that the average looking guy can get the really attractive girl. That guy is confident in who he is and that is attractive.
Here’s a crazy fact. I feel way better about how I look at 40 than I did at 30. Here’s how that happened with some thoughts of how it might relate.
First, I was out of shape at 30. My workout habits were bad and my eating habits were worse. I think we need to get healthy. It will make us look better and more importantly feel better all of which equals more confidence which equals attractiveness to the ladies.
Second, I got invisalign braces and fixed my teeth. Now I had felt subconscious about my teeth for a long time. But my passivity kept me from doing anything about it. That was stupid. Now I don’t have movie star teeth now but it is way better. Guess what, braces work – that’s why millions have had them. The point here is that sometimes we just need to man up a little and take care of certain stuff. If you have an area that you don’t feel good about that’s fixable (I’m not talking crazy like plastic surgery here) then why not do it.
This is one of the places where community has to have a role. We need people in our lives who tell us the truth about stuff like this. More people should have said, “Hey – you should get your teeth fixed,” or at least asked me why I hadn’t.
But the most important I did was divorce how I looked from my lack of success with women.
Here’s how that happened. First I began to realize that average looking guys dated and married really attractive girls. Then, kind of by accident I ended up dating a couple of really attractive girls. Now none of those relationships lasted, but then it dawned on me, why would they have gone out with me to begin with if they found my looks undesirable. I mean I didn’t run around dating people I wasn’t attracted to so why would they. This was a revelation. If I could get the first date, then my looks weren’t the problem.
What I had thought was the reason that I couldn’t get the girl wasn’t the reason at all. I thought I wasn’t attractive enough, but no girl had ever really told me that. I just bought the lie. It was a lie that I had believed since I was a kid and I needed to healed of it. It was like God just kind of showed me, “Justin, this is not the problem, you look fine. It’s been a lie.”
If you would have asked me ten years ago if I was good looking I would have said no. Now I’d say yes. That’s God. That’s also hot.
So here’s the question again. Are you good looking or not? What are you basing your answer on? How does that affect your confidence?