Tag Archives: The One

There Will Always Be Someone Else

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Ever since I was a little kid it seems like there was always ONE girl that I liked.  And this didn’t have to be a girl I knew well, just the one that I wanted.  This lasted all the way through high school, kind of changed in college (I mean target rich environment right?) and then returned for my twenties.

In a lot of ways this is similar to what I talked about a few months ago about there not being THE ONE.  This idea that if I can just get “this girl” to like me or be with me then everything will be right.  This is not good.  That’s called an idol.  The idea that if I can just get this or that, things will be right.  Bad news.

It also crushes any hope of actually dating that person because you end up caring too much which in turn makes you unattractive.  It also keeps you from seeing other potential people around you, because you are so focussed on that one person.  If I could change anything about my high school (and to some degree later) dating experience it would be that I wouldn’t get so focussed on one person, that frankly I usually didn’t even know that well.  Looking back there were other just as attractive people that would have gone out with me.

You shouldn’t get focussed on one person until you are actually dating that person (obviously at this point you should be).  It puts too much pressure on you and them.  It distorts the image of this person and makes them more of a goal or object than a person to get to know.  Even if you “got” this person you’d be in trouble because they’d have all the power, and you can’t love someone who you need constant approval from. It also can make you pass on others that you should not be passing on.

Here’s what we need to get in our head: There Is Always Someone Else.  Always.

Now you would think that I would have figured this out a lot earlier than I did.  I mean in middle school I was obsessed with one person.  Then in early high school there was a different person, and in later high school yet another.  There’s always been another. Hmmm.

Look, I don’t care how hot she is, how much you like her, how perfect you would be together, there will always be someone else.  To have a chance you have to keep this in mind, otherwise every time that you meet someone you like you’ll try too hard, push too much and/or not know when/if to walk away. But if you know there will be someone else, then you can relax and be yourself because if it doesn’t work out, you guessed it, there will be someone else.

I don’t care how old you are either, or how long you’ve waited, or how tired you are of being single – there will be someone else.  If you get this in your head, there really is no fear.  Go get rejected, no big deal, there will be someone else.  Seriously.  I know it sounds kind of cold but it’s actually vital.  Even if you find someone you want to marry.  This is what makes you free to choose to marry that person.  If I know that there would be someone else then I can choose not be with anyone else but instead to be with only this person (sounds kind of like a wedding vow huh?).  Be sure you understand that you’re not choosing this person because they are THE ONE. You are choosing to make this person the ONLY ONE.

Gentlemen, this is why I keep urging you to get in the game, to get out there by any means necessary, to engage with women, to learn how to quit being nice and learn how to be attractive.  The more you know that there will be someone else, the more free you are to pursue anyone you want.  The more you think there is not someone else, the less you will be able to pursue anyone at all.

There’s a flip side here obviously. You can use this knowledge to treat people how you want, or wait for someone “perfect”, or figure why commit all because there’ll be someone else – I get that, and that post is coming asap.  But I think any honest assessment of most single guys I’ve known (including me) would show this is a huge deal.  It is killing us.  It leads to chasing instead of pursuing, not being able to get out there at all, or even marriages that are set up to fail.

If you’ve been single a while (and heck maybe especially if you’ve been married a while), you know this is true intellectually.  You’ve lived it – but do you live out of it?  Most truth is that way.  We know it but we don’t live out of it.  That’s the battle, but it’s one we have to engage.

How To Online Date

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Let’s talk about online dating.  This can can be one great tool to meet people. It can be a good confidence booster and it’s a good way to just get out there.  It’s a way to stay in the game so to speak.  Ladies this is a great way to make yourself available without pursuing. But there are some key things to keep in mind.  Please remember I’m talking mainly to guys (because I am one) but I’ll try to help the ladies some too.

Lets get practical.

First off you have to choose a site.  Now there are all sorts of different ones. Singleroots.com has the best evaluation I’ve ever seen.  I think you can work a couple of sites at a time – but not more than that.  Then every six months or so rotate out of one and into another.

Now you need to make a profile.  I’ll be honest and say this is probably not my strong suit. But here are a few things I know for sure.

  • Use current photos – and more than one
  • Have a photo that shows your face and one that shows the rest of you.
  • Do not under any circumstances use photos with you shirt off – I promise you girls laugh at this – no matter how “ripped” you are.
  • Put things in your profile that are important to you – again no reason to hide this.  If Jesus is important put it out there.
  • Be interesting.  List things that interest you and that you like doing. If you don’t have anything interesting in your life, it’s time to find some – and then come back to online dating later
  • Do not lie about anything.  This is a dead end.  Do not lie!

Next comes the communication phase. Guys, you should always be the initiator on this. You need to understand that when you email an attractive girl that she gets a lot of emails from a lot of guys. DO NOT EVER WINK AT A GIRL – THAT IS TOTAL WUSS – SEND AN EMAIL.  That sounds obvious but it is kind of hard.  You can’t just say, “Hi let’s talk”. You need something different.

Now this is where I kind of invented my own system.  I’m not giving that to you here but here are some keys about the first couple of emails

  • Have fun.  Smile when you type.  Dead serious, women can tell.
  • Say something about her profile – act like you’ve actually read it. But don’t go over the top with compliments.  Be interested but not nice.
  • Ask fun non-threatening questions.  Always, always ask questions.  Give her something to respond to.  Don’t just say “let’s talk”.  Fun easy questions are best – don’t go deep early – go a little deep in a couple of emails.  Never go super deep – save that for offline
  • Remember that this is a person you do not know and might never meet – so for the love don’t write to her like she might be “THE ONE”.  In fact send an initial email to lots of women.

Once you’ve got some communication going here is your goal – within 5 emails you want to take this offline.  This is critical.  You’re not looking for a pen-pal.  Invite her to talk on the phone – ask if she’d be up for it.  Now this whole online thing is much scarier for girls than for us.  I would always state that I would love to call her first, but when I invited her to talk I would leave my number in case she didn’t want to give me her’s online.  If she doesn’t want to talk live after 3-5 emails – walk.  Do it!  Walk away.

On the phone call be fun and interesting.  Don’t talk forever.  Relax.  Smile (seriously trust me here). On that first phone call say you want to meet in person.  Offer to meet for a drink or coffee.  This is not a date – this is a meeting to see if you want to go on a date. (Ladies- when you go meet any kind with stranger – someone should know you are doing it – and guys keep this thought in mind).

Again it is ok (good in fact) to have several of these going on at once.  You want to get from the first email to the actual meeting as fast you can without being pushy.  Online is about meeting potential people.  Don’t make it more than that. There will be another profile.

I’ve met a lot of women for this first meeting.  Most won’t go anywhere.  It can be overwhelming. It can lead to dating fatigue (future post).  But the good news is I’ve met mostly quality people (although I’ve had some wild, hilarious meetings as well – but really that can be part of the fun if you let it),  and, full disclosure – I met the woman I’m going marry online.

So what has been your online experience?  What advice would you offer the people reading this?  I would love your comments on this.

Don’t Just Wait On God

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There was a man whose town was about to be flooded.  He decided not to evacuate before the water came, hoping that it wouldn’t rise near his home.  But in fact it began to rise quickly.  This man believed in God and had such great faith that when he prayed that God would save him he knew for sure that God would.

He went up on his roof and waited.  A man in a canoe came by and asked if he wanted a ride.  The man said, “No thanks.  I’m waiting on God rescue me.”  The water rose.  A man came by in a motor boat and offered assistance.  The man answered, “I appreciate it, but I’ve prayed to God, and He is going to come and get me.”  The water rose.  The man was forced to the very top of his house.  The coast guard flew over his house in a helicopter. They dropped a ladder and said this was the last time they were coming.  The man waved them off and said, “Go and rescue others.  I’m counting on God to rescue me.”

The water rose and the man was swept away and drowned.  When he got to heaven and met with God he asked, “I prayed to you,  believed in you, showed great faith, and yet you did not rescue me.  Why?”  God answered, “You came to me which was great.  I sent you warnings to evacuate, I then sent one of my people on a canoe followed by another in a motor boat.  Finally I even sent a helicopter.  And yet you refused all my help.”

You may have read a parable like this before.  I think it’s so often exactly how we live our lives.  We take our prayer list before God (which is good) but then we kind of pray and forget about it.  We don’t actually pay attention for how God would answer that prayer.  I sometimes think God must just shake his head and think, “Justin, for the love – I’m trying to help you out here kid – pay attention.” Haha.

Now obviously we have to use discernment.  Just because we pray and something happens doesn’t make it from God.  “God, I need a new car,” followed by a Porsche sighting is most likely not God telling you that’s what you need – although that would be sweet.  But we go the other way.  We pray and then go about our day.

We either think we know exactly how God will answer it (our way – arrogance) or we pray unexpectantly (not believing anything will happen – resignation).  Both can be killers as a single person looking to get married.

I’ve heard way to many people say stuff like, “God just hasn’t brought me anyone yet”, “I’ll just do what I do and if God wants to send me someone He will”, “When God is ready for me to be married He will send me someone.”  Really?!

Now if you’ve sought God and you feel like He’s told you that then great.  I don’t mean to discount those as answers that God wouldn’t give you.  But just assuming them is kind of a bad idea.  It’s a way to hide from two things.  First it’s a way to hide from disappointment with God.  He hasn’t delivered me a spouse but it’s all good, He must have a different “plan”.  Second it keeps us from dealing with our own stuff.  Waiting on God often seems to mean, “I’m not doing anything wrong – it’s just that God hasn’t sent someone yet.”  Yeah it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. Yikes!

Whatever the case this mostly leads to inaction on our part.  In other words, I don’t have to actually do anything – and I certainly don’t have to risk.  God will bring me the person in “HIs Time”.

Now I want to be very clear here.  I think God absolutely sends us people.  But I wonder if often we miss the message because we are either waiting for the perfect scenario that doesn’t exist, or we aren’t doing the obvious things we know to do.

We get caught swinging the pendulum back and forth reacting to our own sin on both ends.  We either try to control everything and don’t involve God or we react the other way and “leave it up to Him” without taking any action at all.  I don’t think either is very effective. Neither involves acting while interacting with God.  Which is what I think He really wants us to do – to actually walk with Him, not just wait on Him or do it without Him.  He wants us to engage.

Have you ever used “waiting on God” as a way to hide from hard stuff?  How about as a way to avoid actually dealing with Him?  Are you paying attention to who God might send to help?

Are You Ready To Get Married?

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My parents got married at 26.  This was actually at the time (1970) fairly old to get married. My mom told me once that she didn’t feel most people should get married much younger than that because you change so much in your early twenties. Apparently our society now totally agrees.

In the mid sixties nearly 60% of adults aged 18-29 were married.  That number is now 20% and dropping.  That is an insane change.  Now there are a lot of reasons for this.  And there are a lot of implications as well.  I’ve said some about that before and will say more later but for today I want to focus on a different question.  When are you ready to get married?

I’ve heard the “ready” comment a lot in my years of singleness.  Some people use it as an excuse to deal with their commitment issues. “I’m just not ready to get married.”  Now I think that it is indeed good to not get married if you don’t want to.  What isn’t so good is dating a bunch of people and then never being able to be committed to them.  Really if you aren’t ready – should you be in long term relationships as an adult?

This leads us to yet another very relevant question.  What is an adult?  Apparently in 1960 it was 18.  But these days there are people that say you’re an adolescent until 26.  Which seems to back up my mom’s thoughts.  But 26?  Really?!

The world has definitely changed in many, many ways.  Some for the better and others not, but I really believe in this context it leads to a lot of confusion.  For one thing we are asking Christian guys to basically forgo sex during their prime sex years (not that guys don’t pretty much always desire sex).  Hey 15 year old kid, “don’t worry, only 11-15 more years to go.  Good luck.”

Should you get married for sex?  Well maybe.  Not just for that obviously, but I think it’s an underrated reason.

There are all sorts of arguments here.  There are indeed statistics that say the older you get married the less likely you are to get divorced and I can see that.  You hopefully know more of who you are as a person etc.  But that assumes you are actually working on that and not just extending adolescence.

And let’s be honest the older you get the smaller pools you “fish” in.  That’s reality.  And if you aren’t dating just to date then how do you stay sharp with your dating skills which you actually sort of need to get married?

There are advantages to getting married earlier.  For one thing you get to be married longer.  You get to start out in life together. But the truth of the matter is that in our culture most 18-23 year olds are generally not as “ready” to be committed.  That is more society’s fault than theirs by the way.

So how do we know if we are “ready”?

Here’s truth one: In some ways you are never really “ready”.  There probably isn’t going to be that magical moment when you are perfectly ready.  And really you can’t know what marriage is like without actually being married.  We can, and should know what marriage is – a covenant with God and this other person for life, but that is not the same as being ready.

But that said, here are some things I think are helpful in terms of readiness.

First, do you see yourself as an adult?  Marriage does not make you adult, it makes you married.  This is important in many ways and probably deserves it’s own post.  But my point is it’s helpful to see yourself as an adult if you are going to be married.  (For free, it’s good to be an adult.  If you are in your mid twenties and you don’t see yourself as an adult – now would be the time).

Second, as a guy, I think you need to know what the heck you are about.  What direction do you see your life going?  It’s going to go a lot better if when you ask someone to go with you, you were actually going somewhere.  I have a friend who onetime told me, that guys should think Master, Mission, Mate, in that order.  In other words, know God, know what you are about, invite someone into that with you.

Finally, and this might actually be most important.  No matter what age you are, in my opinion, if you find the person you want to marry, make it happen.  This assumes they love the Lord etc. but part of being ready to be married has to do with having someone to marry.

I’d love some responses here.  When do you think people should start to think about marriage?  How do you know you are ready?  Are you ready?  What would it take to get ready?

Do You Consumer Date?

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We live in a crazy consumer culture.  I mean we always have to have the latest thing that will somehow fulfill our latest need.  Have the Iphone 4? Don’t worry the 5 will be better, faster, more features.  So you better have it – and right now!  I had the same phone for like 6 years.  Now I get a new one every year. (Full disclosure – I’m so totally going to go get the Iphone 5)

We used to save stuff, protect stuff and use it again.  Nothing was disposable.  Now almost everything is.  Now granted with harder economic times this has changed a little. But not much.  We have a desire, there is a product to meet it.

This attitude of consumerism has leaked into every area of our culture – including the church and for sure dating and marriage.

It starts with the idea that dating and marriage is about meeting my needs.  This is part of the problem with the idea of THE ONE.  The idea that there will be one perfect person that will satisfy me or meet my needs.  This is of course false – Jesus is the only ONE.  But that isn’t what we often think.

This can cause us to go through date after date or even relationship after relationship.

We try them all on and see if it fits just right.  Which it never does.  As soon as we figure out that this person isn’t meeting our needs, it’s over.  There must be a better product (person) out there for me.  Time to trade in the Igirl 4 for the newer model.

The truth is there will always be another person.  There’s always someone hotter, who gets me better, who will meet this or that particular need.  There will always be someone else. Always.

This can also keep us from ever having a date.

It’s like all we do is window shop.  We look at someone and determine before we ever meet them if they could be THE ONE.  We determine they aren’t because of this or that factor.  We might even test drive them.  Let’s all hang out together and get to know each other as friends.  Really?!  We end up ruling people out before we ever even pursue them. Why – well I’m not attracted to her this week etc.

Some of this happens because we are just flat afraid of choosing wrong.  We’ve seen so many relationships go bad.  But some of it is we just need to get over ourselves.  I mean when we consumer date we are basically saying, “Hey I’ve got all my stuff together so I need someone who can meet my desires and needs.  So as long as you do that we are good to go.”  Everyone wants to consumer date, but no one wants to be consumer dated.

Here’s the best part – sometimes in Christianity we accidentally reinforce this idea.

We tell singles (young ones especially) that the person they marry should have all these traits.  We tell them what they are looking for – the Proverbs 31 woman or the Ephesians 5 guy.  Hahaha.  I mean who lives that out perfectly?  I can remember as a young Christian making a list of “requirements” for this person (plus she had to be hot of course – I mean you have to be attracted).  This did keep me from marrying the wrong person I guess, although it also helped keep me from marrying any person.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should have no standards – especially as a follower of Jesus.  But at the same time you don’t marry a list.  You marry a person.

This is why our understanding of marriage is so important.  It’s a covenant not a contract. It’s not a freaking purchase.  It’s a commitment for life.  Think about the vows you take (at least most of the time).  They are all about what you are going to do.  You don’t say, “I promise to be with you as long as you love me the right way.”  No!  “You say I promise to love you no matter what happens.”

This is soooo hard for most of us.  It really is.  But changing this mindset changes everything. All of a sudden I’m not looking for this person who can meet every need the way I want.  Instead I’m looking for this person who I’m going to choose to love no matter what.  Those are two totally different things.

So, are you a consumer dater?  What is it you are really looking for?

Kill The Marriage Idol

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My junior year in college, I dated a great girl.  We were good for each other if only for that season.  The truth is I didn’t make her enough of a priority (not unusual for a 21 year old guy).  I just wasn’t at the “get married” stage yet and she was.

It still hurt to break up and it made me realize that I really did want this marriage thing.  I remember sitting on the side of a mountain in Colorado, telling God that I was ready and asking Him to send me someone.

That didn’t happen but something else did.  This idea of meeting THE ONE and getting married began to dominate my prayer and thought life.  In my mid twenties I dated some but only really had one person who I thought could be it.  When that didn’t work out, I was in a tailspin.  I just kept praying and really begging God to send me someone.

This would be what I call the Marriage Idol.  It is the idea that if I can get married to THE ONE that everything will be right.  How do you know if marriage is an idol?  Here are some signs.

  • Your prayer life is wrapped up in it.
  • Whenever anyone asks you what they can pray for – your answer is a spouse
  • You’re pretend life involves marriage or hurt from relationships you thought would lead there.
  • Your identity is wrapped up in being single

All of this can dominate us.  For many years it did me.  It has different effects.  It leads some people to constantly be in dating relationships and trying to make even the worst relationship work.  For others it means they can never have a dating relationship because they have to figure out if they could marry them first before they go on a date.  Haha – I’ve done both!

Some people want to say that the decrease in marriages means that people are idolizing marriage less or holding it with less value.  While I think on one level that might be true, I would submit that actually marriage as an idol can delay marriage because it has to be just right.  I mean if this is the ultimate thing in my life then I have to be absolutely sure that you’re THE ONE.  Having it as an idol puts incredible pressure on dating.  Being scared of marriage is just another version of the same marriage idol.

Marriage is good.  It was instituted by God.  But when it becomes the thing that drives us or dominates our thoughts and prayers we are in trouble.  Even if we get married.  Actually getting married might be the number one way to kill the marriage idol.  However that leads to hard stuff in marriage.  If however we can kill the marriage idol while we are single – we are set – whether we get married or not.

So how do we kill the marriage idol.  It’s not easy for many of us but here are some thoughts.

  • Fight to have your identity in Christ not in marital status.
  • Don’t lead with your desire to be married in every prayer request situation.  Have some other things to pray for.
  • Kill the Pretend – I keep saying this but we HAVE TO do it.
  • Have deep friendships with married people.  This is so huge.  You need to have an inside view of actual marriages.
  • Get a right theological view of marriage.  This is why we need to actually listen to the sermon on marriage and read the books.  We need to have a realistic view instead of a romantic one.  We need to have a biblical view of marriage instead of a secular one.
  • If you never go on a date because you have to figure out if you’re going to marry them first – go on some dates – seriously.
  • If you have never not been dating – take a break from it – seriously.

Look here’s why the marriage idol is so powerful.  It’s the idea the if I just had the right relationship with the right person in perfect union then all would be alright.  Read that last sentence again.  Do you see it?  That’s God’s spot.  What makes the marriage idol so dangerous is that a relationship with another person is the next closest thing to a relationship with God.  We are created in God’s image.  If I’m looking for fulfillment in my life then another person will be the next best thing.  It’s a trap – and it’s one that not only kills us in singleness but also in marriage.  If I’m married and looking for fulfillment in that person, my marriage will suffer.

Only if I get my fulfillment in God can I be really free to love anyone, let alone someone I would marry.

So how about you?  Have you ever had marriage as an idol?  Has anything helped you kill it?

Women Can Smell Desperate

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Several years ago I was hanging out with some older married friends (remember it’s good to have married friends).  They were asking about my dating situation.  As usual during that period there was a girl I really liked and was pursuing (read chasing) and I wasn’t sure if it could go anywhere.  One of the men said, “Women can smell desperate.”  We all laughed.

Women really can smell desperate and no woman that I know wants to go out with a guy who is desperate.  It’s not attractive.

A quick note about attraction.  Here’s a newsflash.  You have to be attractive.  If women are not attracted to you then you need to actually deal with that.  This is probably not really about physical attraction as much.  In fact how you look as a guy does affect things but it affects how you think about yourself more than how a woman thinks of you (future blog).  But if you don’t have women being attracted to you then you need to figure that you probably have some stuff to work on.  That’s ok – it’s not ok to pretend it isn’t a factor.

One of the ways we can be unattractive is to be desperate.  A non desperate man is very attractive.  Think about it.  The guy who has a girlfriend, or even a wife – women are more attracted to him.  You see it all the time.  Women truly can smell desperate and they walk away from that.  It makes them uncomfortable.

So what does desperate “smell” like?  In some ways it’s hard to define.  But when you are desperate there are some subtle (and not so subtle) signs.  There are the things that women subconsciously pick up on – signals you send when you are desperate.  Here are a few

  • Lack of eye contact – if you can’t look her in the eyes, or hold it
  • You have a submissive posture – I know this sounds weird but if you are slumped over and kind of leaning forward you can convey weakness
  • Fidgety movements – this just betrays nervousness
  • Talking really fast or excitedly.  You know how a new puppy goes crazy when it sees you and sometimes pees itself – yeah not good.
  • Needing everyone to “like” you.  Heck, needing her to like you.
  • Any sort of apologizing or rationalizing when you first approach her.  For example, “You are probably busy but. . . ” or “I might not be your type but. . . ”  Pretty much any sentence with the word but in it.
  • Being too loud (pushy and striving) or too quiet (needy and submissive).

These are just a few examples.  How are you doing?  I don’t mean with the random girl – I mean with someone you really want to meet.

Here are two things we have to do. 1. We have to get our core questions answered from God.  If you are thinking that a woman is going to answer questions like, Do I have what it takes?, Am I a man?, Do I have worth? then you are going to be desperate when approaching women.  Don’t give women that kind of power over you.  They don’t want that power anyway.  2. We have to face our fears of rejection.  We have to actually go approach women. Remember that there is not THE ONE.  I know she seems magical right now but you’ve made it this far without her.  If she rejects you, you will be ok.

Here’s the thing about behaving desperately.  It betrays a truth about you that you had better figure out.  It means that you are not fully confident in who you are with the Lord. That’s the beauty of this whole area of discussion.  It’s a two for.  If you begin to deal with this it will force you to deal with Jesus and get your identity and confidence from Him.  In turn it will help you with the ladies.  I honestly believe that this is why God sets us up as the initiator.  He knows it’s hard and he knows that you have to be strong to do it well.  A man who is strong in the Lord is attractive precisely because he is not desperate.  If you were truly fully confident in who you were in Jesus, you could approach anybody.

For a lot of us, this is a lot more than a dating problem.  We lack confidence period.  The attractiveness to women issue just sticks out as the big example.  It would be a great idea to do a couple of things.  Ask, “where else do I feel desperate or try hard?” and if you have people you trust, ask them where they see you not being you.  Then take that to the Lord. Being single is great.  Being desperate is not.

Is There “The One”?

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If you’ve been single long, you’ve had this conversation about why you are single, and someone says these words, “Well I guess you just haven’t met THE ONE yet, but it’ll happen”.  Now if you are younger you might say this yourself, but usually the older you get the less you say it because you realize, 1. it might not happen – after all it hasn’t yet, and 2. there is not just one.

You read that right.  I’m declaring it right now, right here.  There is not THE ONE, at least not in the way we usually talk about.

Now I can hear some married people disagreeing with me (mostly women – no offense just being realistic) but I don’t think there is any biblical, empirical or any other ‘cal evidence that backs this up.

You could maybe, and I mean maybe, make the case before the fall that there was just one.  But even that is shaky.  Marriage is pre-sin, but I think THE ONE is a post sin way of coping.  What about when someone marries someone and then they die, and they remarry – did God have two “the one’s” for them?  This idea that God has chosen just one for us sounds very romantic, or very Oprah, but I don’t think we are promised it any where. Which I think is actually good news and good for us – which might be why God set it up that way.

THE ONE is killing us out there.

For starters, let’s realize what most of us mean when we say this is – the one who is everything I want, the perfect one, (or more religious sounding – the perfect one for me). This is not marriage or realistic.  Getting married is not about finding someone who meets all of my needs or fulfills me. That’s romanticism at it’s best and consumerism at it’s worst.

This stuff can lead us, sometimes for years, to think that if I can just meet THE ONE then everything will be alright.  No it won’t! Because even if you could, THE ONE gets old, or sick, or hurt, or is mean to you, or veers away from God, or breaks your heart, or lets you down.

When it comes to finding fulfillment there is only one THE ONE and that is Jesus.  I know it sounds cheesy but it is essential we keep this in mind.  If we get this wrong everything will be messed up.

If we don’t get ahold of this we will be continuing to make marriage and THE ONE an idol.  

But there are even more side problems, including but not limited to:

  • Getting married, being let down and being able to declare, “Oh I must have gotten this wrong.  There must be a different ONE for me.”
  • Searching for a person that we are 100% attracted to all the time.
  • Thinking I’ve found THE ONE and then messing it all up because of the weight I put on the relationship or living in fear of losing THE ONE – which leads to all sorts of mistakes.
  • Putting huge pressure on every dating relationship because I have to figure out if they are THE ONE. This is a crushing pressure that almost no one can stand under.  And for free – if they can, something is off – everyone messes up – everyone.
  • Waiting for God to bring me THE ONE instead of engaging others and getting to know people.
  • Thinking someone that got away is THE ONE and spending all my time and thoughts figuring out how to make something work that is long over.

I want to be clear that I’m not saying that we should just go marry whoever.  Not at all.  I’m also not saying that God doesn’t bring you someone.  He brings people into our lives all the time (and not just romantically). We need to choose wisely and with the Spirit because even though there is not THE ONE we will hopefully only do this one time.

So here are some practical helps.  Maybe start by fighting the idol of THE ONE.  Jesus is the only person who can fulfill us.  Next, when dating people maybe instead of asking God if this is THE ONE ask questions like, “Do you want me to marry THIS person?”  If I’m not dating, maybe ask God, “send me someone You’d like me to marry” instead of, “Send me THE ONE.”

Finally, don’t ask, “Is this person THE ONE for me?” but instead ask these big questions:

1. Am I good for this person?  Are they good for me?  Are we good together? and if yes, 2. Do I want to covenant to love and care for this person the rest of my life, no matter what?

Once you answer yes to those – you will have THE ONE.

Are You Afraid Of Choosing Wrong

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When I was a little kid I loved when my parents would take me to the toy store.  The huge toy store that I remember was called Children’s Palace.  It was AWESOME!  I mean it had every toy.  I could spend all day in the Star Wars and G.I. Joe aisles.  There were endless action figures and vehicles.  Now the vehicles were usually for the birthday or Christmas lists but most times we went, I got to pick out one, and only one, action figure.

When I got just a little older the stakes were as I was there to pick one to spend my own allowance money on.  While on the one hand this was cool, it was also kind of stressful. There were a lot of figures and I had to choose one, just one.  Usually I would narrow it down to two or three and I would spend a lot of time (or at least what seemed to be a lot of time) trying to decide.  I’d look at them both, considering all sorts of things about them. And finally I’d pick one.  Sometimes it was the best.  Other times I had little kid buyer’s remorse and thought, “I should have gotten the other guy”.  There is a lot great about this – it’s great parenting actually – you can’t have it all, you have to pick, but you get to.

As intense as it was, that was a toy.  Now choose someone to marry.  Yikes.  

And here in lies two of the things in our culture that has created more singles than ever before. The first is that we have more choices than ever before.  We get to choose if we marry, who we marry, and when we marry.  What’s crazy of course, is that until about 150 years ago, almost no one ever had one, let alone all three, of those choices.

I was talking to my dad about the breakdown of the family in America.  I asked him why he thought that happened?  He said, “I have a theory on that” (not surprising knowing my dad).  He went on,  “100 years ago you lived in rural America and you were 18 and you met a decent girl – You married that girl because you might not meet another one.”  As funny as it is, he’s exactly right.  But then there were big cities, cars, planes, and now the internet.  The choices are endless.

And then you add to that an extreme fear of buyers remorse.  My generation and younger are scared crapless of getting it wrong.  Half of our parents are divorced, some more than once.  In the Church we’ve been told how hard marriage is and how it has all these standards.  We don’t want to choose wrong.  We have friends who marriages are brutal or who are divorced already. People are scared.

We know intellectually that there is no perfect scenario but the fear can drive us to not marry.  It leads to all sorts of things I want to touch on more later.  Things like: serial dating, fear of commitment, looking for the perfect person, consumer dating (what can they do for me), cohabitation (I’ll live with you but I’m scared to marry you), looking for faults with everyone and much more.  All of these things get in the way of marriage and can lead us to stay single even when God has not called us there.

But guess what, we probably aren’t going back to arranged marriages, although I know some people who will do it for you, so that means you are going to have to choose.  And there’s a lot good about that.  It gives us some ownership in the process and it makes us responsible.  And at the end of the day when we are married we are responsible for that.

We are going to have to choose.  How will you do that?  

Look for a blog about that soon, but here are some things to consider.  Maybe we could use some help.  Number one we need to walk with God and ask Him a lot of questions. And, we need community.  I don’t think I could write enough blogs about that.  We need people in our life who know us and who can be in this stuff with us, people who would say, “I’m worried about this one and here’s why,” or, “quit being an idiot and marry this person already.”

Finally we need to face this fear and ask if it is one of the things keeping us single when we don’t feel called to be.  We need to ask what we are really afraid of and ask God to help us fight through.  Choosing wisely makes total sense – that is from God.  Being paralyzed by fear – that is not from God.