Tag Archives: dating

We Are Mad At God

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When I was in college and right out of college, ok until I was 32 or so, I spent a lot of time (and I mean a lot of time) praying to God about getting a spouse.  It was a focus, I would now say an idol.  I wrote songs about it. The songs were about hurt, pain and angst.  Haha. I can laugh now but it’s what I felt.

I think it’s really easy as a single to become bitter.  You watch others have something that you want and you don’t have it.  It’s in your face – especially in the Christian culture. We desire to be with someone and we aren’t.  That seems like grounds to be upset.

For me I feel like my anger really started as a teenager.  I just wasn’t good with the ladies. But I never saw what I did wrong, what I saw was that I couldn’t get the whatever girl I was currently obsessed with.  College was ok, but then after college I fell into the trap of bitterness again.  It’s understandable, but it’s not a very good path.

Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to write about the people we get mad at as singles.  For today I want to focus on the main person we are mad at – God.  That’s right. We might not say it, but really that is where a lot of our bitterness and anger comes from.

Why God?!  Why can’t you bring me someone?!  I remember one day in my late twenties walking out of my office on a beautiful fall afternoon.  I looked at the day, my work (which was going extremely well), the opportunities I had in ministry.  I looked at the car I was driving and I thought about all God has provided for me.  But I also felt confused.  Why could God bring me all of that but not a wife?  I would think, “Come on God, I’m trying to follow you.  I’m doing your work.  I’m trying to live a pure life – when is it my turn.” Can you hear the entitlement?  Does God owe you a spouse?

Look I think it is good to be real.  If you are frustrated then you might as well take that to God.  But it’s dangerous as a single to stay there.  It’s so easy to let our focus slide to what we don’t have, what we want so much and what we think we are missing out on.

It’s one thing to share my frustration but it’s another to live in bitterness.  

It’s bad because I begin to view the world around me through that lens.  It changes how I view my married friends.  It gives the enemy a foothold to work with.  Can you just hear the enemy’s voice, “See, God doesn’t deliver on the stuff that you really want.” or, “God could do it but He doesn’t want to.”

In one sense it puts the focus squarely on me.  It becomes all about what I want, what I don’t have and I’m mad about it.  It’s all about me.  It also affects me because it makes me way less attractive to the opposite sex.  No one wants to date the mad, bitter, feeling sorry for themselves person.  I see this in my single friends a lot.  I know it because I’ve lived it. Ladies, no guy wants to date the girl who is whining about being single.  We are scared of the desperate chick.  Trust me.  And gentlemen, no girl, and I mean NO girl, wants to date and angry, depressed, focussed on what’s wrong guy.

This leads me to another key problem.  When we make it all God’s fault we tend not to deal with the parts that are our fault.  I wish I would have had less people who fed me spiritual platitudes about God’s timing, God’s preparing someone for me, and God’s got stuff to teach me, and more people who would have told me how I was doing it all wrong.

We all have wounds that mess us up in this area, are we working on those?  Maybe we date all the wrong people – is that God’s fault of something from inside me that I need to figure out?  Maybe I need to work on my appearance or my approach – is that God’s fault?  Maybe I want every girl to like me too much and have a huge approval idol.  Is that God’s fault?

There’s a flip side here and it’s important – it’s not all my fault.  I’m going to get to being mad at ourselves later.  But the first person we are usually mad at is God and we need to get that worked out.

So are you mad at God that He doesn’t have you married yet?  Have you spent time being bitter?  How has that affected you and your relationship with friends, the opposite sex, and most of all God?

Are You Ready To Get Married?

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My parents got married at 26.  This was actually at the time (1970) fairly old to get married. My mom told me once that she didn’t feel most people should get married much younger than that because you change so much in your early twenties. Apparently our society now totally agrees.

In the mid sixties nearly 60% of adults aged 18-29 were married.  That number is now 20% and dropping.  That is an insane change.  Now there are a lot of reasons for this.  And there are a lot of implications as well.  I’ve said some about that before and will say more later but for today I want to focus on a different question.  When are you ready to get married?

I’ve heard the “ready” comment a lot in my years of singleness.  Some people use it as an excuse to deal with their commitment issues. “I’m just not ready to get married.”  Now I think that it is indeed good to not get married if you don’t want to.  What isn’t so good is dating a bunch of people and then never being able to be committed to them.  Really if you aren’t ready – should you be in long term relationships as an adult?

This leads us to yet another very relevant question.  What is an adult?  Apparently in 1960 it was 18.  But these days there are people that say you’re an adolescent until 26.  Which seems to back up my mom’s thoughts.  But 26?  Really?!

The world has definitely changed in many, many ways.  Some for the better and others not, but I really believe in this context it leads to a lot of confusion.  For one thing we are asking Christian guys to basically forgo sex during their prime sex years (not that guys don’t pretty much always desire sex).  Hey 15 year old kid, “don’t worry, only 11-15 more years to go.  Good luck.”

Should you get married for sex?  Well maybe.  Not just for that obviously, but I think it’s an underrated reason.

There are all sorts of arguments here.  There are indeed statistics that say the older you get married the less likely you are to get divorced and I can see that.  You hopefully know more of who you are as a person etc.  But that assumes you are actually working on that and not just extending adolescence.

And let’s be honest the older you get the smaller pools you “fish” in.  That’s reality.  And if you aren’t dating just to date then how do you stay sharp with your dating skills which you actually sort of need to get married?

There are advantages to getting married earlier.  For one thing you get to be married longer.  You get to start out in life together. But the truth of the matter is that in our culture most 18-23 year olds are generally not as “ready” to be committed.  That is more society’s fault than theirs by the way.

So how do we know if we are “ready”?

Here’s truth one: In some ways you are never really “ready”.  There probably isn’t going to be that magical moment when you are perfectly ready.  And really you can’t know what marriage is like without actually being married.  We can, and should know what marriage is – a covenant with God and this other person for life, but that is not the same as being ready.

But that said, here are some things I think are helpful in terms of readiness.

First, do you see yourself as an adult?  Marriage does not make you adult, it makes you married.  This is important in many ways and probably deserves it’s own post.  But my point is it’s helpful to see yourself as an adult if you are going to be married.  (For free, it’s good to be an adult.  If you are in your mid twenties and you don’t see yourself as an adult – now would be the time).

Second, as a guy, I think you need to know what the heck you are about.  What direction do you see your life going?  It’s going to go a lot better if when you ask someone to go with you, you were actually going somewhere.  I have a friend who onetime told me, that guys should think Master, Mission, Mate, in that order.  In other words, know God, know what you are about, invite someone into that with you.

Finally, and this might actually be most important.  No matter what age you are, in my opinion, if you find the person you want to marry, make it happen.  This assumes they love the Lord etc. but part of being ready to be married has to do with having someone to marry.

I’d love some responses here.  When do you think people should start to think about marriage?  How do you know you are ready?  Are you ready?  What would it take to get ready?

Insecurity Is A Sin

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I have a friend who says that most men are afraid of their wives.  My joke has always been that I’m afraid of my wife and I’m not even married to her yet. Ha.

Men, even though we like to act tough and hide it, often get all wuss like when we are around someone we like.  We act differently.  We become too nice or desperate.  This is bad for many reasons but one thing for sure, as long as you are afraid of the girl, she will not be attracted to you.

Women are constantly subconsciously testing men.  Do they feel safe with you?  Can you take care of them?  Can you stand up to them and therefore stand up for them?  If you fail the test, you will not be attractive.

This is why we need to face the our insecurities with women.

Insecurity leads to all sorts of bad actions.  Defensiveness, nervous movements, bad jokes, talking too excitedly, being sarcastic, talking about ourselves all the time to prove ourselves, or acting tough just to name a few.  These things make us appear desperate – because we are.

Now obviously dealing with the opposite sex is not the only place that we face insecurity, far from it.  But it is one place that almost all of us at some point experience it.

Here’s a harsh truth.  More than making us unattractive or keeping us from a full dating life, insecurity is a sin. It’s not some type of humility.  Humility is having a right view of who I am in comparison to God and relation to others.  It means being not self focused.  That’s not insecurity.

Insecurity means that I am looking for my security and identity in someone other than Jesus.  If I’m insecure around a woman that means I need her approval.  I’ve given her the power to define me and how I feel about myself.  This is totally wrong, a form of idolatry, and it’s not attractive.

Insecurity is also a sin because it is fear based.  Fear of rejection, or fear of what others think of me.  Fear is never from God.  The truth is, every decision we make, we make either out of love or out of fear. There’s not much in between.

And this leads to perhaps the biggest reason insecurity is sin.  Insecurity gets in the way of loving others.  Think about it.  If I “like” this girl and am desperate for her to like me, then there is no way I can really love her.  You can’t love someone when you are more worried about what they think of you than what is best for them.  It’s impossible.  As long as you are focused on attaining or keeping their approval you aren’t free to love them.  As long as you are being insecure, the focus is on you not them.

This gets in the way of all sorts of ministry and it for sure gets in the way of loving those closest to us.  It also keeps us from allowing others to love us because we are constantly putting up different subconscious walls to “protect” ourselves.

You can’t have insecurity and intimacy.  Intimacy requires safety and safety requires security.

Jesus was never insecure.  In fact no one has ever been more secure in who he was than Jesus.  This is one of the reasons that so many people were drawn to Him and why so many people hated him.

He was comfortable and confident.  Therefore when you had a conversation with Him He could be fully engaged.  He was completely free to love each person He encountered precisely because He didn’t need them to like Him.  It’s not that He didn’t want people to like him – heck He invited people to follow Him for heaven’s sake, but His identity did not depend (and by the way doesn’t now) on whether you followed Him or not.  He is who He is, regardless of what anybody else does.

This is why the more I find my identity in Christ the less insecure I will be.  The more that I know how loved and secure I am in Him the less I have to fear. I can’t just know about Jesus and His truth –  I have to figure out how to actually live out of it.

Mostly what we do instead is try to cover up and hide our insecurities.  We pick only the challenges that we can win.  And in dating we only pursue people we know will like us, or we stumble around unsuccessfully chasing the women that we really want or we pursue no one.

Christian men should be the most confident attractive men that a woman can run into.  But are we?  Not from what I’ve seen.

We have to face our insecurities.  So, when are you insecure?  Where does that come from for you?  What in your story has made you that way?  Do you live more out of your fear or your identity in Christ?

How Satan Attacks Singles

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In my mid 20s the words I suck would run through my head when something went wrong.  I would literally say the words “I suck!”  Whether this was because of work, play, or relationships it was there.  I was agreeing with the enemy.

Last week I asked us to consider that the enemy cares about our singleness.  Now we are no more or less under attack than a married person, but just like a lot of things it plays out in certain ways within our particular context.  So today I want to talk a little about what that looks like and how to see it.

The first place we can see spiritual attack is against our identity.

It’s important to distinguish between voices here.  Remember we can hear from God, our flesh, and from the enemy.  For example when we do something wrong, God speaks in a convicting way – it’s direct and at the wrong action.  Our flesh usually focusses on guilt. The enemy focusses on condemnation – in other words – he comes at our identity.

This is where my “I suck” stuff came in.  Now what happens is that the enemy throws us the thought and then we begin to agree with it.  This is one way we can let the enemy have a foothold.  Once we agree with it then he can run with it.  Condemnation does not come from God.  God is not saying, “You Suck”, “You’re Worthless,” “You’re ugly,” “You’re stupid”, “You’ve messed it all up, there’s not hope”, “You’re disqualified.”

If these are not from God then we need to disagree with them.  If we don’t they severely affect how we view ourselves and they can become the identity we live out of.  This is not good because our identity should be in Jesus.  Hence “spiritual battle”.  Knowing the truth doesn’t mean much if we are going to live out of the lies.

This is critical as a single person because in our context we are often our own mirror.  It’s why it’s important to have people in your life who can also be a mirror.  The more free I am from this, the more I’m free to discern my calling, love others, and frankly the more free I am to pursue or be pursued by someone.

Here are some other places the enemy will attack.

He will try to get you to agree with things about God.  “God is holding out on you,” “If God loved you he’d send you someone,” “God doesn’t care that you don’t have a spouse,” “It’s all God’s fault,” and so on.  Anything that can drive a wedge between you and God, the enemy will try to exploit it.  And you’d better believe he will exploit our singleness.

He will plant thoughts about other people as well.  “She would never like me,” “He’s married now so he’s probably too busy,” “They just don’t understand,” “You’re All Alone”.

The enemy also attacks our sexuality.  The temptation level is high to begin with because of our own sin and fleshly desires.  But you can bet that the enemy wants to turn this up.  This can come in the form of straight up temptation to sex or other sexual outlets – i.e. porn, strip club etc.  But he can also steal our sexuality.  We can be led to kill our desire or try to cover it.

Another big battle is over who you date.  Think about this.  A person decides to follow Jesus.  The enemy is pissed and has already lost the major battle.  Now If I’m him, what is my strategy?  How about having them date, or better yet, marry someone that pulls them away from following Jesus.  Satan knows the next closest thing to a relationship with God is a relationship with another person.  The enemy is not stupid.  Who you date, or if you date, matters and he knows it.

How about fear?  Fear of commitment, fear of choosing wrong, fear of being alone, fear of failing at a relationship, fear of intimacy.  The fear list could go forever.  Fear is never from God.

These are just a few examples.  Look, I’m not saying there is a demon behind every rock, trying to mess with your single life.  But what I am saying is that we are in a war and just like any war there are tendencies that the enemy has and our flesh just plays right into it.  We need to fight back.

If there really is a spiritual battle then you’d better believe part of that battle is over how you view yourself, God and others, over your sexuality, and over who you date or marry or for that matter whether you date or marry.

Looking at your singleness – where do you see the battle?  What lies have you believed?

Never Chase The Girl

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When I was a kid, my dog died chasing a car.  Great opening right? Ha.  But seriously this dog always wanted to chase cars but usually was tied up.  But one day somehow she wasn’t and off she went.  Apparently she “caught” the car.  I don’t know all of the reasons dogs chase cars but I do know it never turns out well.  One of two things are going to happen.  They either fail to catch the car or they get hit.  It’s a lose lose.

The same is true when a guy chases a girl.  Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, the idea of chasing involves someone running.  Someone is running away and someone else is chasing that person.  That’s the whole set up.  So if you are chasing a girl that means that she is not moving towards you.

Now this is different than pursuing a girl. Pursing someone essentially means (in date speak) getting to know someone.  In other words, showing interest or asking questions or asking them out.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about chasing someone.  It’s this thing guys (and sometimes girls) do when they like someone and they are convinced that this is right even though the other person is not interested.

Perhaps we ask a girl out and she says no – or some equivalent that means no.  But that doesn’t stop us.  Instead we keep going.  It might be that we went on a date or two and the person says they just aren’t feeling it.  But we keep trying, keep calling, keep trying to talk them into it.

This is bad on so many levels it’s going to be hard to list them.

For one thing it makes you look like a total wuss.  And no one wants to date a wuss.  I’m sorry but that’s the truth.  It makes you even more unattractive.  It makes you desperate.  It will not change her mind!  It’s also kind of disrespectful.  She has said no. Leave it alone.  Walk away.  If you’re not careful you will become a punchline in her life at best and a stalker at worst.

It’s also bad because it makes the whole thing about you and it makes her an idol.  It becomes something that you are trying to “win” or “attain” which turns her into an object. At that point you are like the dog in that even if you miraculously (and it would be miraculous) caught her you’d be dead.  You’ve given up all of your power and leadership. You’ve given her total power over your life.  You’re dead.

Sometimes it can be hard to see and even harder to admit that you are chasing someone. So here are some keys to look for.  If any of this is true you are probably chasing:

  • You try to find all sorts of ways to be around her or angle to be with her but you have never asked her out
  • You have asked her out, she said no and you still follow her around (this includes social media) and keep trying over and over again.
  • She says things like, I just want to be friends, you’re a great guy, I just don’t feel that way etc and yet you keep working towards getting her to like you
  • You think you can somehow earn her liking you
  • You have ever or are getting ready to try to talk her into liking you.
  • You buy her gifts even though you are not in a relationship
  • You have all sorts of pretend conversations with her in your head – where you “lay it on the line”
  • You actually have a conversation where you “lay it on the line”.
  • You don’t go on other dates because you are waiting for her to like you and you don’t want to “mess it up”.
  • You are down or depressed over her not liking you
  • Most of your prayer life is about her

These are all really, really bad signs.  I know because I’ve lived it and it has cost me time and for a while some of my manhood.

We as guys have to understand that chasing the girl doesn’t work.  If anything it makes her run further away.  The truth is that if you ask someone out and they say no you may still have a chance – if you can walk away.  But if you can’t she’ll know.  And she won’t be attracted.  She might like the attention but she won’t be more attracted.  The only chance you have is to walk.

There are a lot of things you can do to never get in this spot to begin with and we’ll talk more about that.  But for today I want to encourage you to examine yourself.

Are you currently chasing someone?  Do you usually chase the girl you like?  How’s that working out?  Is it time for something different?

Satan Cares About Your Singleness

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You’re not good looking enough.  There is no one for you.  You can’t get the one you want. You’re too fat (insert tall, skinny, short, etc).  No one cares.  Your church doesn’t care. You’re alone.  It’s all your fault.  You’ve already messed it up – God isn’t going to send you someone.  It doesn’t matter anyway go ahead and. . . .

Have you ever heard any of these in your head?  Ever wonder where they come from? What’s interesting is I’ve had a lot of these thoughts (and a host of others) at one time or another and yet that’s the only place I’ve heard them.  For example as I’ve mentioned before, I thought part of the reason I couldn’t succeed with women was that I wasn’t good enough looking – but a funny thing – no woman has ever actually told me that.

So where do all these thoughts come from?

There’s whole lot to consider here but we need to step back and get a look.

First off we are wounded in life.  Stuff happens.  We sin and others sin against us.  This starts pretty much the day we are born.  And guess what – it affects the way we think about ourselves.  This starts with our parents and the messages we receive from them and it just keeps going.  We receive a message and then there is an interpretation of that message.

Here’s an example.  When I was in third grade I got picked on by some sixth graders. They threatened me on the way home from school.  For the first time in my life as a kid, I was scared of injury from another person.  I can still see that kids fist in my face.

That’s one event.   But in my third grade mind I was now weak.  Once you have an interpretation other events begin to get interpreted the same way.  In fifth grade a peer straight up punched me in the face as hard as he could.  Now I didn’t even fall, but I didn’t fight back.  What’s interesting is that I could have thought, “I just took that kids best punch and I’m not hurt – I’m tough.” Instead, I took it as another confirmation that I was weak.

When we get wounded is we interpret it somehow.  And friends there is a freaking battle over that interpretation.  

There are three voices that come at us. The voice of God, our own voice, and the voice of the enemy – the demonic. Yup, you read that right.  There’s a spiritual war.  At least that’s what the Bible says.  Jesus talks about it, Paul talks about it, and Peter talks about it.  So if these guys are talking about it, seems like it might be real.

Now we in the western church like to say it’s real but then we live like it’s not.  Which is fairly stupid.  Sure once in a while we read a story or a book (hello C.S. Lewis and Screwtape – geesh even Lewis is talking about it, and if he says it’s real. . . ).  Now and then we mention it in a sermon.  But that’s about it for the most part.  It’s like “hey you’re in this war but don’t worry about it.”

We live our life like there are only two people on the stage – us and God.  This is not a good idea, and it’s not Biblical.  

At any rate, when a wounding event happens, the enemy wants to use it.  Now so too does God of course.  But the key is, who am I going to agree with?  When we agree with the enemy we give them power (a foothold if you will) and they can run with it.

This is why Paul says to take every thought captive.  Where is it coming from?  Own it.

What does this have to do with singleness?

Well it isn’t a singleness problem per se.  It’s an everybody problem.  But we are part of everybody and one of our contexts is singleness.  So if I’m the enemy and I know that you are single, and all that goes with that, I’m pretty sure I’m using it (in the same way if you are married I’m using that and all that goes with it).

Let’s assume the demonic are real. Think they might care who you date, what you do on a date or who or if you get married?  If you are called to singleness do you think they might want to mess with that?  Do you think they might want to use it against your relationship with God?

I’ll talk more about this – but for today I want to ask you this question.  Have you ever actually considered that the enemy cares about your singleness?

Paul says we fight a battle against flesh, the world, and the enemy.  We don’t get to leave any of those out.

Don’t Be Friends First

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So as I’ve mentioned before I’ve read a whole lot of online profiles.  I mean a lot.  One thing that always makes me laugh is when the woman says something to the effect of, “I want to marry my best friend” or, “I want to be friends first.”

Gentlemen, don’t believe this.  Here is what that means in reality.  The whole friends first thing is just a safety measure.  It means essentially, “I want to lessen the pressure on this situation.” It can also mean, “I not attracted to you but I’m not good at saying no to people so I’ll say this instead.”  It does not mean they want to be “just friends” for a while and will be attracted to you later.

When a woman says she wants to marry her best friend, it means that she wants to be best friends with the person she is already attracted to and wants to marry.  That is not a bad thing by the way.  But it doesn’t mean that she wants to become friends and then marry someone even though she isn’t attracted to them.

Friendship in a relationship is extremely important.  In the book, The Mystery Method, “Mystery” (you can search this guy out on your own – I don’t condone all that he says but there is some good stuff) offers this equation: Attraction + Comfort = Seduction.  Read that again.  Here’s the idea.  If you create attraction with a woman but aren’t friend material (read comfort) eventually it won’t work.  But if you create friendship without attraction – that is all it will ever be.  You are stuck in the friendzone.

The point is that people, male and female, date people they are attracted to period.  End of story.  We’ll talk about how to get out of/avoid the friendzone later, but that is not the point of this post.  Today I want to talk about pursuing women under the guise of friendship.

This is especially important in the “Christian” dating (or courting or whatever you call it) culture.  Just because we are not going to have sex on the first date does not make us “friends”.  It means we have morals.  But this idea of being her friend so she will eventually like me is weak.  If I’m interested in pursuing a girl I should not approach it as a friendship. Why?  Because that is not what I actually want and that makes it shady.

It drives me crazy when guys do this.  This isn’t legitimate friendship.  It’s false.  It’s a strategy.  There are all sorts of reasons for this strategy.  Maybe, I don’t have the guts to ask this girl out so instead I will become “friends” with her.  Or I know she doesn’t like me but I like her so I’ll hang around her as much as I can and hope that eventually somehow she will “like” me.

Maybe I’ll join her small group, join her cause (something she is passionate about) or worst of all, I “minister” to her, thinking that eventually she will like me. If I do all of this with the hope/intention of turning it into more, then I’m not really being her friend. I’m using friendship as a way to pursue her.

Now I’m not talking about someone who is a friend and later becomes someone of interest. That can sometimes happen.  I’m also not saying don’t have female friends.  What I’m talking about here is using the friendship angle when you don’t mean it.  It’s bad because it’s intellectually dishonest.  Frankly it’s also a waste of time.  Once you are in the friendzone you are done.  Why go there on purpose?  You will never turn that into more as long as that is how she views you.

Honestly there are some guys who are lacking self confidence and think this is literally the only way to get to hang out with women they like.  I feel legitimate pain in my heart for you if that is where you are at.  But you are worth more than that. Stop subjecting yourself to this.

Finally there are guys who are “friends” first because they aren’t sure they want to actually date a particular person or they want to be “friends” with multiple people.  So they “hang out” (read date but without any kind of responsibility) with their “friend”.  Maybe it’s a girl who you think you should be attracted to or who your friends want you to be attracted to. It doesn’t matter. You already know you aren’t attracted to this person – or you’d ask her out.  Don’t drag it out and lead her on.

Look, at one point or another in the last 25 years I’ve done all of the above.  How many times did this work out?  Zero.

So have you ever used the “friend’s first” strategy?  Did it actually protect you?  Have you ever seen it work?

Don’t Have THE TALK!

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Here are the words that no person wants to hear, “We need to talk.”  Just typing it makes me cringe a little.  This is because we know what is coming next and it’s not good.  It means someone is about to have THE TALK.  This could be called the “define the relationship talk” or what I call the “talk them into it talk”.  It is always bad and never has to happen.

The truth is that if you have to have THE TALK you are probably screwed.  When both people like each other there is a pretty natural flow.  Now I don’t mean that you don’t talk about your relationship and what you are thinking.  I’m talking about pretending you don’t know the truth and then trying to control it with a conversation.

This is different for men and women.

Let’s start with the ladies.  Ladies can often feel the need for THE TALK a few months into the relationship or even after a few dates.  Now if this is into the relationship this is probably the guys fault and we’ll get to that later.  But ladies this is almost never a good idea.  And I want to warn you, make sure you actually want to hear the answer before you ask for THE TALK.

If you are deep into a relationship (meaning months not a few dates) and the guy is not pursuing you or leading the relationship that’s bad news.  It means one of two things. It may be that he is not that into you and is too passive, comfortable, or lazy to break up.  It may also be that he has something going on inside of him that is keeping him from leading forward (this could be sin, woundeness, or just immaturity). I’ll admit I’ve been both those guys.  No matter what it’s you can’t fix it.

You should indeed have a conversation here.  But rather than create a dramatic moment that for sure will backfire, here’s a couple of ways you could approach it.  You could just ask him calmly how he feels about the relationship, where he sees it going.  You will know by his answer right?  Then you can either give it a little more time or break it off.

Now, on the other hand if it is early on, after a few dates and you just aren’t sure (although honestly you probably know) then I think it’s ok to test it to get a better idea.  Try making a plan further out in the future.  What’s his reaction.  Look, if a guy is into you, you’ll know 90% of the time.  If you feel like he’s not it’s ok to bolt.  If you really like him and he chases you down, then great.  But if he doesn’t he was looking for a way out to begin with.  Don’t lay your whole heart out there after a few dates.  He hasn’t earned that.  You are worth pursuing right?

And ladies.  If there is someone you like who is not pursuing you, do not ask him out.  Now I’m going to write a post soon on how you can help a guy you like ask you out.  But even then you can only lead a horse to water.  He has to want to go out with you.

Gentlemen we typically have the talk when we like someone but aren’t dating them.  This is perhaps the most ridiculous idea ever.  And yet I’ve done it.  Many times actually.  It hurts me more than you know to type that and I can tell you it does not work.  It makes you desperate and unattractive.

Typically it happens like this.  We have someone we’ve met (or even just seen around – heaven have mercy) and we aren’t dating them.  We haven’t even really asked them out. Maybe we’ve been in a small group or we work with them or whatever.  We’ve probably become “friends” with them (post coming soon).  But we decide that now is the time to declare our intentions.

It seems almost noble and sort of “Christian” but I assure you it isn’t.  All that is going to happen is you are going to put a huge amount of pressure on the situation.  No matter what she says, it’s going to go bad.  Look, here is how to find out if a girl likes you.  Ask her out.  If she says yes go on a short first date.  If she says no then move on.  Do not have THE TALK.  For the love of all things, do not think that you are going to talk her into liking you.

Here’s what THE TALK really is.  It is an attempt to avoid or change reality.  You already know the answer.

So have you ever had THE TALK?  Have you ever seen it actually work?

Do You Consumer Date?

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We live in a crazy consumer culture.  I mean we always have to have the latest thing that will somehow fulfill our latest need.  Have the Iphone 4? Don’t worry the 5 will be better, faster, more features.  So you better have it – and right now!  I had the same phone for like 6 years.  Now I get a new one every year. (Full disclosure – I’m so totally going to go get the Iphone 5)

We used to save stuff, protect stuff and use it again.  Nothing was disposable.  Now almost everything is.  Now granted with harder economic times this has changed a little. But not much.  We have a desire, there is a product to meet it.

This attitude of consumerism has leaked into every area of our culture – including the church and for sure dating and marriage.

It starts with the idea that dating and marriage is about meeting my needs.  This is part of the problem with the idea of THE ONE.  The idea that there will be one perfect person that will satisfy me or meet my needs.  This is of course false – Jesus is the only ONE.  But that isn’t what we often think.

This can cause us to go through date after date or even relationship after relationship.

We try them all on and see if it fits just right.  Which it never does.  As soon as we figure out that this person isn’t meeting our needs, it’s over.  There must be a better product (person) out there for me.  Time to trade in the Igirl 4 for the newer model.

The truth is there will always be another person.  There’s always someone hotter, who gets me better, who will meet this or that particular need.  There will always be someone else. Always.

This can also keep us from ever having a date.

It’s like all we do is window shop.  We look at someone and determine before we ever meet them if they could be THE ONE.  We determine they aren’t because of this or that factor.  We might even test drive them.  Let’s all hang out together and get to know each other as friends.  Really?!  We end up ruling people out before we ever even pursue them. Why – well I’m not attracted to her this week etc.

Some of this happens because we are just flat afraid of choosing wrong.  We’ve seen so many relationships go bad.  But some of it is we just need to get over ourselves.  I mean when we consumer date we are basically saying, “Hey I’ve got all my stuff together so I need someone who can meet my desires and needs.  So as long as you do that we are good to go.”  Everyone wants to consumer date, but no one wants to be consumer dated.

Here’s the best part – sometimes in Christianity we accidentally reinforce this idea.

We tell singles (young ones especially) that the person they marry should have all these traits.  We tell them what they are looking for – the Proverbs 31 woman or the Ephesians 5 guy.  Hahaha.  I mean who lives that out perfectly?  I can remember as a young Christian making a list of “requirements” for this person (plus she had to be hot of course – I mean you have to be attracted).  This did keep me from marrying the wrong person I guess, although it also helped keep me from marrying any person.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should have no standards – especially as a follower of Jesus.  But at the same time you don’t marry a list.  You marry a person.

This is why our understanding of marriage is so important.  It’s a covenant not a contract. It’s not a freaking purchase.  It’s a commitment for life.  Think about the vows you take (at least most of the time).  They are all about what you are going to do.  You don’t say, “I promise to be with you as long as you love me the right way.”  No!  “You say I promise to love you no matter what happens.”

This is soooo hard for most of us.  It really is.  But changing this mindset changes everything. All of a sudden I’m not looking for this person who can meet every need the way I want.  Instead I’m looking for this person who I’m going to choose to love no matter what.  Those are two totally different things.

So, are you a consumer dater?  What is it you are really looking for?

Kill The Marriage Idol

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My junior year in college, I dated a great girl.  We were good for each other if only for that season.  The truth is I didn’t make her enough of a priority (not unusual for a 21 year old guy).  I just wasn’t at the “get married” stage yet and she was.

It still hurt to break up and it made me realize that I really did want this marriage thing.  I remember sitting on the side of a mountain in Colorado, telling God that I was ready and asking Him to send me someone.

That didn’t happen but something else did.  This idea of meeting THE ONE and getting married began to dominate my prayer and thought life.  In my mid twenties I dated some but only really had one person who I thought could be it.  When that didn’t work out, I was in a tailspin.  I just kept praying and really begging God to send me someone.

This would be what I call the Marriage Idol.  It is the idea that if I can get married to THE ONE that everything will be right.  How do you know if marriage is an idol?  Here are some signs.

  • Your prayer life is wrapped up in it.
  • Whenever anyone asks you what they can pray for – your answer is a spouse
  • You’re pretend life involves marriage or hurt from relationships you thought would lead there.
  • Your identity is wrapped up in being single

All of this can dominate us.  For many years it did me.  It has different effects.  It leads some people to constantly be in dating relationships and trying to make even the worst relationship work.  For others it means they can never have a dating relationship because they have to figure out if they could marry them first before they go on a date.  Haha – I’ve done both!

Some people want to say that the decrease in marriages means that people are idolizing marriage less or holding it with less value.  While I think on one level that might be true, I would submit that actually marriage as an idol can delay marriage because it has to be just right.  I mean if this is the ultimate thing in my life then I have to be absolutely sure that you’re THE ONE.  Having it as an idol puts incredible pressure on dating.  Being scared of marriage is just another version of the same marriage idol.

Marriage is good.  It was instituted by God.  But when it becomes the thing that drives us or dominates our thoughts and prayers we are in trouble.  Even if we get married.  Actually getting married might be the number one way to kill the marriage idol.  However that leads to hard stuff in marriage.  If however we can kill the marriage idol while we are single – we are set – whether we get married or not.

So how do we kill the marriage idol.  It’s not easy for many of us but here are some thoughts.

  • Fight to have your identity in Christ not in marital status.
  • Don’t lead with your desire to be married in every prayer request situation.  Have some other things to pray for.
  • Kill the Pretend – I keep saying this but we HAVE TO do it.
  • Have deep friendships with married people.  This is so huge.  You need to have an inside view of actual marriages.
  • Get a right theological view of marriage.  This is why we need to actually listen to the sermon on marriage and read the books.  We need to have a realistic view instead of a romantic one.  We need to have a biblical view of marriage instead of a secular one.
  • If you never go on a date because you have to figure out if you’re going to marry them first – go on some dates – seriously.
  • If you have never not been dating – take a break from it – seriously.

Look here’s why the marriage idol is so powerful.  It’s the idea the if I just had the right relationship with the right person in perfect union then all would be alright.  Read that last sentence again.  Do you see it?  That’s God’s spot.  What makes the marriage idol so dangerous is that a relationship with another person is the next closest thing to a relationship with God.  We are created in God’s image.  If I’m looking for fulfillment in my life then another person will be the next best thing.  It’s a trap – and it’s one that not only kills us in singleness but also in marriage.  If I’m married and looking for fulfillment in that person, my marriage will suffer.

Only if I get my fulfillment in God can I be really free to love anyone, let alone someone I would marry.

So how about you?  Have you ever had marriage as an idol?  Has anything helped you kill it?