Tag Archives: attraction

The Christian And The Pickup Artist

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In 2007 there was a TV show on VH1 called The Pickup Artist.  In it a guy named Mystery along with his “wingmen” took 8 guys who were not good with women and taught them the “art of pickup”.  Ah reality TV.

What’s funny about the show is that the first thought that my roommate and I had about it was that there were a whole lot of Christian guys who could use his help.  Many of them were no better off than the contestants.  In fact all of these guys got better at approaching and talking to women.  The “Mystery” method worked – at least at some level.

My roommate, along with another single friend had also been going through a program called Double Your Dating put together by a guy named David DeAngelo.  He took the whole concept to a different level.  It went well beyond pickup.

As we talked through all of this a couple of things became very clear.  First, while we certainly couldn’t condone all that these guys did, we had a lot to learn.  Secondly, we realized that there was absolutely zero, and I mean zero, Christian version of this for guys.

I was 34 at the time and trying to piece together how I was still single.  I had met a couple of really quality people but not been able to seal the deal so to speak.  I began to realize that a lot of what I had thought about my whole “singleness” story was wrong.  A lot of what I’d been taught and/or assumed about dating, attraction and theology was not actually true.  And it came crashing down around me.  It was awesome and painful all at the same time.

Now God was moving and looking to restore me.  I also had a great community of people – both brothers like those mentioned above and mentors that walk with me.  I sought some counseling.  But it would be false to say that the secular dating gurus didn’t help me out.  I would have turned to the Christian dating gurus but their weren’t any.

One of our problems in Christianity when it comes to this whole subject is that we over spiritualize it.  We also tend to skip about 100 steps ahead. We teach people who they should marry but not how to meet them. We tell people what not to with their date, but not how to get a date.  We tell men to man up and women to dress up without explaining why that matters.  We can help you break up with the wrong person, but we can’t seem to help you learn how to approach the right one.  We tell men to guard girls’s without telling them how to win them to begin with.

By doing this we essentially emasculate our men and leave our women with a choice between acting on attraction to the secular man or ruling over the Christian man.

It shouldn’t be this way.  Not only should we be helping Christian men and women connect, and as a bonus we’d actually end up reaching out to others.  Men would want to be like us and women would wonder what is different about our guys and want that too. This is a fairly obviously Christian blog.  I mean it’s in the dang title.  Do you know what the number one viewed post is?  It’s “Women Can Smell Desperate“.  And it’s not close. Someone views that post almost every day.

People want to know about attraction.  More than that they want to know how to be attractive.  No one is more attractive than Jesus.  Hello Church.

In the over spiritualized world you wait around and God brings you someone.  In the real world you go out and learn, while walking with God.  In the over spiritualized world you stay as you are and God magically changes your circumstances.  In the real world you engage God and grow in areas where you continually fail.

Am I suggesting that we should we should become Christian Pickup Artists?  No I’m not because as a Christian the “pickup” is not the goal.  But becoming a “Get A Date Artist” might be a good idea.  If you want to get married – which is the goal.

I’m sure a lot of Christians watched the Pick Up Artist.  Some were outraged and disgusted.  Some were taking notes.  Most guys were probably doing both. But two things were undeniable as a Christian.  One, we have a lot of guys in our pews who would fit on that show and two, we aren’t doing anything about it.

Throughout history the Church wins when it leads, it loses when it reacts.  We are in the middle of a cultural shift when it comes to marriage, singleness, and sex.  We are losing. Maybe it’s time to switch strategies.

Have A Game Plan For Dating

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One of the worst places you can be on a date is that moment when the girl says, “what are we doing?” and the guy says, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”  I know because I’ve been there and done that.  When you go on a date, especially initially, it’s good to have a plan, or at the very least, have an opinion.

But let’s back up a step.  I think it’s actually helpful to have a plan when meeting women. Now I don’t mean be a robot or be completely controlling.  But I think that as a guy, having a plan, or set of plans is helpful.  Having some options in your mind for things to say when you meet someone is good.

A lot of guys have a hard time approaching women.  I’ve talked about approaching women and developing dating skills in the past.  But the common theme in those previous posts is that having a game plan is good.

When I was online dating after a while I realized is that sense you never knew who would communicate back, it was good to have some sort of system or you’d be sitting there all day.  So I developed a three or four email plan.  Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t send the exact same email to everyone.  But I had the exact same principles.

Comment on what they wrote, ask two fun/light questions.  In the second email ask another series of questions including a set of either/or questions.  In the third email ask a fun question and deeper one.  Fourth email ask to talk live.  (Gentlemen – for free – women like questions – makes you seem interesting and interested at the same time – that’s for free).

When I was talking to my wife early on she would make fun of it.  She’d say stuff like, “is this part of your system?”  She could tell I had one.  The best part was from the very first date, she went about trying to bust the system.  It was awesome.

Am I saying you need a system to approach women?  Yeah sort of.  Especially if you are uncomfortable doing it.  I’m not saying you should plan every moment and interaction out in your head.  I’m not telling you to over think it.  (If you are 30 and single – you’ve already over thought it – lots of times).  I’m saying that as a guy, when you have a bit of a plan that you trust, when you “know what you are doing”, it gives you confidence and you can go from there.  If you have a plan – you don’t have to over think it – you just do it.

Here’s a non dating example.  I’ve spoken in front people my whole life.  Literally hundreds of times in front of many thousands of people.  Now part of it is that I have a gift of speaking and teaching.  But part of it early on was I worked my tail off in preparation.  I studied what I would teach and I practiced.  I would stand in my living room and give the talk over and over.

When I got to the actual talk, I owned it frontwards and backwards.  That enabled me the freedom to handle anything that happened that night without getting flustered or thrown off track.  It enabled me when sharing God’s word to be able to listen to His leading as I talked and flex with what was going on in the room.

I’m not suggesting being rigid.  Think of football. You have a playbook.  You game plan all week.  When you get to the game you call plays based on what is given to you.  Once the play starts you execute as best you can and then you just play ball.  But without plays it all falls apart.  You don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best.  Bad teams either have a bad plan, or they never change based on what is given to them that day. Or both. What I’m saying is the better you game plan, the freer you are to react.

Here’s the kicker.  You know what having a plan really is?  It’s called leadership, and leadership actually works.  With women pursuit is part of it (going to her) but part of it has to be invitation.  But you can’t invite her if you aren’t going anywhere.

By the way this is why if you let the girl become the goal you are screwed.  Women don’t want to be the goal.  They want to join you on the journey.

Having a plan and practicing creates confidence.  It helps you know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I’m not saying that you should make dating a game.  But attraction matters.  Confidence is attractive.  That is fact – like it or not.  And as a guy, having a plan and knowing what we are doing creates confidence.

Here’s what I know doesn’t work.  Doing the same things that don’t work over and over. Being scared when you approach a woman you like because you don’t know what to say. Hoping that even though you never work on getting better at it that God will somehow magically make it happen.

Do you feel confident approaching someone?  Do you know what to do when you do have a date?  What would it mean to work on that?

Should We Develop Dating Skills?

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When I was a kid I loved basketball.  I loved playing it, watching it, listening to it on the radio and then re-enacting that game in the driveway the next day.

As I got older I began to actually work really hard at it.  I was coached by my dad (who still has a quicker release on his shot than me).  Later different coaches spent time with me and coached me up.  I played spring and summer ball.  I went to the outdoor courts to practice.  I did drills.  When I reached high school I conditioned and even bought strength shoes to help my vertical.  I shot endless free throws making sure I made 10 in a row before I quit for the day – no matter how long it took – even in the dark.

Now I never became a star.  I got a few awards but I was no where near good enough to play division one.  But I did get better – a lot better.  And even now I can still bang it out in the post against most people.  I can’t do physically what I could 20 years ago, but the flow and movements come naturally – because they are ingrained.  They are a part of me.

Practice and coaching are a part of almost everything we do in life.  Think about it.  If you’ve learned to play a musical instrument, learned math, got a degree in anything you’ve been coached and you’ve practiced.  When we enter the workforce we are trained by someone. When you get a new job, you have to learn the culture of that company or industry.  Someone helps you – at least hey hand you a manual or something.

Even in church this is true.  To be a small group leaders usually means you have to be in a small group first.  Then there is at least a training weekend.  Someone should check in on how you are doing.   A new Christian can usually get help on how to read the bible.  There are membership classes.  Need help in an area? There’s a class for that.  Marriage, parenting, spiritual gifts, bible study, all of it.

But when it comes to helping single people get married, not so much. We are so lost in this area and there is very little help.

There are all sorts of things that keep us single.  Some of it is situational.  Some of it is our own sin or lack of commitment.  No doubt.  Some of it though, has to do with skill.

Now we all hate that it takes skill.  But we hate this in every area of life.  I mean I wish I could be good at stuff without working at it.  Who doesn’t?  But that’s not the typical situation.  I’d love to be able to hit the golf ball where I want it to go without ever practicing. I wish I never had to study for a test in college but I did.

There is skill involved in getting a date.  There is the inner confidence part.  The approach part.  There is the body language part.  Many of us have never even considered most of this.  Most of us have never worked at it.  And almost none of us have ever been coached or mentored in it in any way whatsoever.

Many of us grew up without a dad or without one who taught us this stuff.  A lot of us learned all the wrong things.  It’s a mess.  It doesn’t have to be.  But you probably aren’t going to wake one morning, flip a switch and do it different.

This is why a lot of the spiritual platitudes in Christian dating are a complete waste of time.  “God will bring you someone” is pointless if you can’t close the deal when He does.  Telling me about marriage is helpful but won’t help me get married.

Most in the Church basically say don’t date.  Don’t pursue someone unless you are sure it could go somewhere.  Don’t practice. I get the idea.  But to me it’s unfair to assume that someone can never go on a date, and then just turn it on at the right moment for the right person.

Am I saying go on hundreds of dates?  Am I saying ask everyone out, or hit on every girl.  Heaven’s no!  But what I am saying is that somehow we need to help people work through their stuff and develop their ability to actually move with confidence when they feel led to.

We need to quit focussing solely on keeping people from marrying wrong.  People are already not getting married.  Instead we need to somehow become proactive (within our principles of loving others) in helping people figure out how to get married right.  That has to include more than who not to marry.  It has to include how to make the right thing happen.

I have more questions on this than answers.  How do we get better at dating/relationship starting?  Where did you learn what you do know?  What do you wish someone would have helped you with in this area?

Christians Should Have More Sex – And Talk About It

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One of my pastor’s favorite lines is, “The problem with our church is that our singles are having too much sex, and our married people are not having enough.”

Every time he says it there is initial laughter at how funny that is, followed by a sort of uncomfortable chuckling at just how true it is.

It’s an interesting dynamic.  There is the idea in our culture about married sex vs. single sex.  As in, married sex is boring or non-existent and single sex is all about the hot passion. This is wrong both statistically and morally.

What’s interesting to me is that it seems married people are constantly willing to tell their single friends all about their lack of sex.  I can’t count the conversations I’ve had like this. It’s kind of mind boggling really.  Married people are constantly telling me about the sex they don’t have.  Very rarely are they telling me about the sex they do have.

Now I’m not talking about when a friend is sharing their life with me.  In other words there are men that I walk with and we all have struggles.  There are other men that I mentor and they are just letting me know what is going on so that I can walk with them.  That’s all good and honesty is vital in all of that.  We all go through different stages and issues.  Sexual struggle in a marriage can certainly be one of those.

What I’m talking about is this general idea out there that sex in marriage is not so great.  I feel like that is not really the best thing to tell single people.  What is the message exactly? Is the Christian community’s message, “Whatever you do, don’t have sex outside of marriage, wait for marriage.  And by the way, it’s not really that great then either.”  Really?!

I get that telling a wide eyed 20 year old that marriage is not a sex on demand scenario is probably pretty wise.  But constantly sending the message to the average Christian single that sex in marriage is always infrequent, hard work and often not good, seems kind of counter productive.

Let’s get real.  Even in the “evil and dangerous” secular world, the statistics don’t back this up.  In all the research I’ve seen married people have more and better sex than single people who are trying to have sex.  40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating couples.  Not only that but a significantly higher percentage of married men and women say sex is emotionally and physically satisfying than single people.  To top it off, married couples are more likely to hit orgasm – so that’s nice.

This isn’t to make light of the struggles that many married people have sexually.  I’ve walked with some people through tough stuff so I know it’s real.  But we need to do some things differently here if we are going to be honest and encourage single believers toward marriage.

To begin with, as my pastor says, married people need to have more sex.  Seriously.  For about a hundred reasons.  If you aren’t, then you HAVE TO get help and figure it out.

Next, married folks need to realize that what they say about sex has impact.  They also need to realize that the biggest problem out there right now isn’t single people rushing into marriage for sex, it’s that they are running away from marriage period.  The context has changed.  You are not doing the single person any favors by downplaying sex in marriage.

Finally, we need the married people who are having sex to be more real.  I remember one time talking with a friend after his ten year anniversary trip.  He said, “Bro, gotta tell ya. Great trip.  Stayed at the cabin.  Man, that cabin will never be the same.  I mean . . . wow. I don’t know if you’ve had premarital sex at all but I have.  And it is nothing compared to what happened this weekend.  I mean when there is trust, commitment and intimacy, all things are possible. . . just trust me on this. . . wow!”

Now that’s a ringing endorsement of marriage.  I’m in!

I think there is this tendency with married Christian couples to only talk about sex when it isn’t going well.  We need you to talk about it when it is.  We don’t need the details.  My friend didn’t say what positions they tried.  He didn’t video it and post it to facebook.  But he did share how he felt about it.

It’s true that we need realistic expectations.  What we don’t need is a message that says, “make sure you wait for it, but it’s not that great.”

What message have you received from married believers about sex?  Has it made you more or less excited about marriage?

Is Attraction Secular?

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Two summers ago I was in a rough spot emotionally in terms of dating.  I’d worked through a lot of my personal stuff and had been on quite a few dates via online and set ups etc. But I just wasn’t excited about any of it.  It’s not that some of these ladies weren’t great but I just wasn’t into it.  I joked that my give a shizz was broken.

One night while hanging out with my brother, his wife and some other friends this subject came up.  My sister in law said basically, “well marriage isn’t all about attraction.  I mean it’s tough sometimes and really it’s a decision.  You don’t always ‘feel it'”

Now those are true and wise words.  And in a sense there is an even deeper truth – you could marry anyone and if you are committed great stuff could happen.  But, as I pointed out that night, that is not how we typically start out and almost no one marries someone they aren’t attracted to.  No woman wants this as a proposal:

“Hey Sally.  These last few months have been ok.  I know we don’t really have much spark but I think we match up pretty well.  I know we’d both be committed.  We love Jesus and could learn to love each other.  So what do you say?  Let’s get married.”

Now I’m not saying that it couldn’t work.  Heck, I’m not even saying that it shouldn’t work. But what I am saying is that is not the world we live in.

Here’s a question we need to ask in the Christian dating scene.  Does attraction matter? Or better asked, is attraction a secular phenomenon?

There are some in the Christian culture who would say, it’s not about attraction.  Now there is some wisdom in this.  It’s important for people to gain an understanding that marriage is not all about sexual attraction.  This is where the secular idea of romance has led us astray.  The secular model implies that you must always feel this or something is wrong and you should end it.  That is consumer dating/marriage and it is for sure wrong.

But, in the Church, often times we act as if attraction shouldn’t matter or at the very least, we don’t know what to do with it.  We know that it can’t be the only thing, but we don’t seem to know what role it should play.  Often in an attempt to push back against the secular idea that we must always be attracted, we end up negating it almost completely.

I think this is a huge mistake.  Attraction has to be part of the conversation.  We can’t just attack the secular version without owning the reality of attraction.

It’s a mistake we make all of the time.  Too many times throughout history the Church has denied the obvious.  We’ve basically said that science or reason or philosophy is wrong, just because we don’t like the reality.  Or, maybe worse, we acquiesce parts of the battle and fall back to a defensive position.  In so doing we end up with a God of the Gaps.  In the science example God becomes the God of the stuff we can’t explain by science.

The biggest problem with this is that God owns it all, including science and in this case, including attraction.

God created us and he gave us the feeling of attraction.  It’s not a bad thing.  It is part of what makes us want to get married.  Yes the secular world has perverted it.  But that doesn’t mean we get to ignore it, we have to instead take it back and put it in it’s proper place.

We don’t get to just say that it’s not all about attraction and move on.  We have to actually deal with what healthy attraction looks like.

I get that “back in the day” there were arranged marriages and you got what you got.  (In fact one of the theories about the origin of not seeing the bride before the wedding was so that the neither party would make a run for it because they weren’t attracted).  But unless the Church is willing to go back to arranged marriages (future blog) then we are going to have to deal with attraction.

The truth is we need some serious help here.  There are some who unless they are “perfectly attracted” won’t commit.  That’s completely unrealistic and we need to step in. There are others who don’t know how to handle themselves when they are attracted and we need to step in there as well.  Finally there are those who unknowingly keep making themselves less attractive.  In true community we need to have the guts and honesty to help them as well.

We need to own and understand attraction because God does.  It’s not the problem, our response to it can be.

What has the Church (your Christian community) taught you about attraction?  Has it helped or hurt your singleness and/or marriage?

Interpretation Is Everything

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In the movie “A Perfect World” Kevin Costner plays a criminal, Butch, who has escaped from prison.  He takes a young boy, Phillip, hostage.  As times goes on, they become drawn to each other.  Phillip has never really had a dad and Butch begins to teach him all sorts of things about “manhood”.  In one scene Butch has just gotten Phillip some new clothes.  They’re in the car and on the run, so he tells him to go ahead and change.

Phillip is hesitant (I get that the whole premise of boy being kidnapped is bad, but hang with me anyway).  Butch basically says, “Is it because you’re embarrassed I might see your pecker?”  Phillip says, “It’s . . . puny ”  Butch says, “Let me see, I’ll shoot you straight.” Butch looks over with a quick glance and says, “Hell no Phillip, good size for a boy your age.”  Phillip smiles.

Who interprets your life for you?

When I was in third grade I got picked on by some sixth graders. They threatened me on the way home from school.  For the first time in my life as a kid, I was scared of injury from another person.  I can still see that kids fist in my face.

In my third grade mind I was now weak.  Once you have an interpretation other events begin to get interpreted the same way.  In fifth grade a peer straight up punched me in the face as hard as he could.  I didn’t even fall, but I didn’t fight back. I could have thought, “I just took that kids best punch and I’m not hurt – I’m tough.” Instead, I took it as another confirmation that I was weak.

All sorts of things are constantly happening to us and around us.  Each time, we interpret what is happening and make agreements about what it means. Others help us interpret, starting with our parents when we are little.  If you’re a parent understand this: One of the most important things you will ever do is speak interpretation into your kids lives. How you react, what you say and what they hear from you when something happens to them forms the base interpretation for their lives.  No pressure. . .

We all deal with this of course, married, single or otherwise.  But I think this affects the single person in an extremely significant way because many of us are asking, “why am I single?”

There are all sorts of people helping us interpret that answer.

There’s hollywood.  You’re single because you are not a 10 or don’t have a flashy enough car or job.  If I were 007 I’ve had all the ladies.  I laugh as I write that but seriously, for a lot of us, the media is one of our main interpreters.  We’ve grown up on it and the message is obvious.  You’re not cool enough, hot enough, or rich enough to be loved back by another person.

There’s our well meaning friends.  Mostly they tell us that there is nothing wrong with us, which doesn’t seem right, but we hope it’s true.

Then there is the Church.  Usually this interpretation hinges on the fact that God has a plan – meaning that He has a Christian Soulmate for me.  It them moves in one of a couple directions.  Either I need to become better so that God will reward me with a spouse (this could mean date better, be content, wait on God, etc) or I don’t need to do anything because God’s perfect spouse for me just isn’t ready or the timing must not be right.

The worst part is that most of us, myself included for many years, have some sort of sick twisted combination of all of the above going on in our head.  I’m not good looking enough (insert strong enough, rich enough, spiritual enough. . . etc), and/or there’s nothing wrong with me (men/women just suck), and/or God will bring me the perfect person but for right now (and apparently for the last decade) He’s just holding out on me.

How you interpret your singleness affects your view of God and vice versa.  It affects how you see yourself and therefore how you relate to others.  If we interpret it wrong, then we’re going to have a hard time figuring out our calling (celibacy or marriage), let alone our pursuing it.

What we need first though is God’s interpretation of who we are as a person.  We need to grow in our identity in Christ.  If we are going to do that, we will need to reinterpret a lot of things and we’ll need to let some people in to help.

Most of us are afraid of the truth, but in reality most of the time the truth is better than how we have interpreted. Either way we need the real actual interpretation in order to have a chance at true spiritual health.

Who interprets your life?  What is your interpretation of your singleness?  How sure are you of that interpretation?  Who are you helping with their interpretation?

Singleness And The Church Of Don’t

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Several years ago our lead pastor gave a sermon on singleness.  I laugh as I type that because we have a church that has a high percentage of singles and yet even we have had only one sermon in the last seven years directly aimed at this question.

He actually did a really good job but then he did something that hacked off a lot of people. He basically said that some of the reason people are single is that they are awkward and don’t know how to approach another person.  The thing is that he is absolutely right.  But the bad thing was – that was the extent of what he offered to do about it.

There is a major problem within the Church in this arena (and when I say Church, I mean as a whole – local churches, the body as a whole, christian books – all of it).  It can identify all the problems and can tell us what not to do, but they offer nothing to help you actually do it.

The Church is great at telling us what marriage is and how to have a good marriage, although they can oversell the toughness of it (future blog).  They have seen that marriage needs help and have responded.

They are also great at telling us what to do and not do once we are dating.  Our church actually has a position paper on dating.  But the problem is they don’t have one on singleness itself (being called to celibacy and how that relates to everything else) and they don’t offer anything about how to actually get a date to begin with.

Here’s what you can learn (right or wrong) about singleness from the Church.

  • Who to date and who not to
  • How long to date
  • What not to do – i.e. Don’t have sex
  • What marriage is and that it should be the goal
  • How to not marry people you shouldn’t

Do you notice a trend?  The Church seems mostly concerned with controlling how we date when/if we do.  I’m not saying this is the heart of the people, but to me it has often seemed like they are more worried about whether or not I have sex or date a non-believer than about whether or not I’m called to celibacy or marriage, let alone how to pursue either one.

Here’s what I’ve learned from the Church in the last twenty years about celibacy.  Ready? Nothing.  Here’s what I’ve learned about creating attraction and actually getting a date. Same thing – Nothing.

Mostly what they have offered is spiritual platitudes like, “God will bring you someone” or “In His time God will provide the “right” person”, “Wait for the right one” and on an on.  But they have offered basically no plan for how to engage that.

Now some people would say (and I would have said this in the past) that it’s not the Church’s job to play matchmaker or to help people get married.  But now I disagree.

If you are going to try to tell me who to date and how to “behave” then give me the plan to get there.  If it is your job and your business to keep me from having sex and to have me “marry right” then by all means tell me the plan.

Here’s a great example.  In the 90’s there were all these books about Biblical dating. Ignoring the fact that there is no Biblical dating plan, even if there was one, what was the plan to get the date.  If for example you as a church are going to say that your people should use “courting” instead of dating, then you’d better have a plan to help people do that.  Create a community of people that live that way, that can help others actually do it.

If the Church is so bent on everyone being married, then come up with some ways to help people achieve that. Don’t just give us a list of specific don’ts and then offer up random theological platitudes for the do’s.

It’s a double standard and the worst part about it is that it drives good single people away from the church.  We get tired of being told what we should have and can’t do without any sort of plan of what we can do.

What do we do with our need for physical intimacy? Why can’t I get a date?  How do I gain confidence with the opposite sex?  Why am I afraid of commitment?  Where can I lead?  How do I know if I’m just supposed to stay unmarried?  What’s the plan?

If it is the Church’s job to control what singles don’t do, give us some things to do.  And here’s the thing about it – that will actually preach and most of it will cross over for married audiences as well.

What is your church’s message to singles?

Comparison Is An Enemy Of Attraction

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Have you ever had this happen?  You meet someone and you are instantly attracted.  You go out a couple of times and then you become less attracted.  Now there can be a lot of reasons for this.  Instant attraction is only a starting point and as you get to know someone you usually need to become more drawn to them as a whole.

But part of the problem is that our culture have somehow combined consumerism and sexuality. 

We are constantly “trading up” for the next best thing (especially us Apple folks).  We use it and toss it – or at best recycle it.  We don’t save or reuse much of anything.  This is in our head and affects our way of thinking.

Along with that we are constantly inundated with sexual images.  It’s everywhere. . . all the time.  A friend once said, “I’d just like to be able to check my email without seeing a half naked chick.”  No doubt.  This isn’t just a porn thing, although that exasperates the problem.  It’s all around us.  The checkout line, the sideline, heck even the burger line. Even worse, for the most part these aren’t even real images.  They are doctored to be “perfect”.  If you haven’t seen the incredible perspective on this from Cameron Russell you should watch it.

This kills us because we are in a constant state of comparison shopping.

Comparison is an Enemy of Attraction.

Driscoll talks about that when you are married, your wife should be your standard of beauty. He’s right on in that particular analysis.  You have to fight for that.  But as a single person this creates all sorts of dilemmas.

For starters what should my standard be?  How attracted do I need to be?  I mean we are kind of attracted to all sorts of people.  Should I just be attracted enough?  On the one hand, realistically, you are not going to pursue someone you are not attracted to.  On the other hand, no one is going to be 100% attractive all the time.  Not to mention that how fired up we are totally affects how we view someone.  If we have the “in love” eyes we can make anyone look good.

This is actually a good thing.  But in today’s culture of comparative shopping (dating) it lasts for a lot shorter period.  There will always be someone else and if your standard is the image you see everywhere, well then you are never going to get married, because that’s not real.

So how the heck do we fight this thing.  It’s one thing to know it – we all know it.  It’s another thing to actually engage and fight against it.

First you need to honestly ask yourself what your standard is.  What are you comparing everyone to?  If it is the ideal image you need to start to do whatever it takes to change that.  A quick note here – if you are looking at porn it will affect your ideal image.  It does a lot of other things as well, all bad, but it for sure does that.

Secondly, you need to quit looking at women and start talking to them.  I don’t think I can stress this enough.  When you get past the “she’s so hot” stage you’ve got a whole other ball game going on.

Next, if you are initially attracted that means they are attractive.  Now you may get to know them and be turned off by personality or whatever but that is not what i’m talking about. She is still attractive.  What’s funny about this too is that every woman has like a thousand faces and moods.  Beauty is influenced from so many different things.  It comes from the inside, not just the outside.  Want to see an attractive woman? – Love her well.

One other thing to do is flip the script and just start with the idea that the person you are with is most attractive to you.  As you date longer this will be about way more than physical or initial attraction.  Just start to realize that no one else is better for you.  This begins to move us toward what Driscoll is trying to get at as we move away from consumerism to commitment.  Sometimes initially you have to hang in there, especially if you have been hardwired to compare and consume.

Finally, the problem with compare and consume is that it is all about us.  If we are ever going to move beyond a few dates and towards marriage, we have to transition towards commitment and giving.  Attraction get’s us in the door – but it doesn’t take us to the finish line.
It’s a battle, but it’s not one we have to lose.

What is your standard of beauty?  What do you compare the people in your life to?  Are you stuck in comparison dating?

Approaching Women

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A few years ago I was sitting at a party with some friends when I ran into an attractive woman I knew who goes to our church.  Kind of in jest I asked her if she felt like church was a meat market.  In other words were guys always asking her out.  She looked at me incredulously and said, “No because it’s not like any guy is actually going to do anything about it.”

I wrote about this a while ago, but this deal of guys not actually approaching women is a very real issue in our “Christian” culture.  There’s a plethora of reasons for this.   But some of it is that we are just not trained as men on what is a good way to approach women.  The older you get the more important this becomes.

I’ve talked some about approaching women online.  I want to offer some thoughts about doing it in person.  Now most of this I learned by doing it wrong – a lot.  So don’t think I’m some sort of guru.  Also, keep in mind that I’m not trying to give you a formula.  I actually think you coming up with one at first could be good.  But the problem is if you give a man a hammer, everything becomes a nail – and that will backfire.

First and foremost is having our identity in Christ.  Go back and read last week’s post. This is essential.  If you aren’t working on this, nothing I say here will work.  You’ll just be faking it.  Now that doesn’t mean you have to get it perfectly before you can do this, I don’t mean that at all.  But you need to be working on your insecurities and fears in light of your relationship with Jesus.  If you’re not then this isn’t going to end well – even if you fake your way into marriage.

That said, here are some keys (remember all we are talking about here is the initial approach).

  • When you see someone you want to approach – act quickly.  Don’t be in a hurry but don’t over think it.  Don’t let it build up.  When you make eye contact and she smiles – you have maybe 15 seconds max to act.  Otherwise you send one of three messages – that you aren’t interested, interesting, or you are afraid of her.  All bad.
  • Body language is everything.  Women naturally pick up on this stuff.  Learn to control yours.  If you are slumped over or in a submissive posture or jittery – that sends the message you are afraid (which you might be but that isn’t the point).  Don’t be rigid – but don’t be cowering.
  • Along with that, make eye contact and keep it.  Smile.  Again not in a forced way but smiling means warmth, and comfort.
  • Talk to her like you’ve always known her.  Really almost like she was your sister.  At ease.  And talk slow.  When we get nervous we speed up.  Dead give away.  Be thoughtful and intentional.  Think taking a walk instead of going on a run.  Seriously.
  • Ask questions.  It can be good to have a couple of questions ready.  These should not be deep questions.  They should also not be critical questions.  In other words, what did you think of the sermon followed by a critique of it = bad.  Think fun questions.  Which brings us to:
  • Fun is good – always.  That doesn’t mean “ha ha” fun necessarily.  But girls are attracted to fun. They are stressed out enough emotionally already – they don’t want that from a guy – they want the guy to be the escape – where they can relax.  Fun is your friend.
  • Don’t apologize for talking to her.  Don’t say things like, “I’m just kidding”.  Don’t act like she holds any power over you.

Keep the following thoughts in mind.

  • It’s no big deal.  Keep remembering that
  • There is always someone else.
  • You have no idea who she is or what she’s about.  You want to find out – that is why you are approaching her.  You’re investigating, not asking her to marry you.  You are a high quality person – is she?
  • Attraction (sexual tension & fun) + comfort (safety) = date*.  Think about it.
  • In the beginning less is more.  Don’t ask her out the first time you talk to her.  If you can, you want to be the one to end the conversation. Maybe something like this, “I’m glad I met you (or you met me – if you can pull that off).  I’d like to talk more.  Do you have email (a card, phone number) etc.?”  This whole thing might take three minutes.

If you are not good at this at all, here is what I’d suggest.  I’d practice.  I know that sounds funny but really.  It’s like golf.  You have to go to the driving range before the course.  Don’t ask for everyone’s number.  Just meet them.  Catch how that feels and how you react. See what works for you.  Build sort of a formula for you.  Once you do that, assuming you are working on the identity piece, you won’t need a formula long.  Have fun.

 

* Formula adapted from Mystery’s Attraction + Comfort = Seduction

How Do You Respond To Attraction?

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Here’s a question.  What is your immediate response to attraction?  How do you respond when you are attracted?  Do you move with ease?  Do you hesitate?  Do you let it build up and then blow it up?  Are you relaxed or nervous?  Why?

What most guys feel is some combination of excitement and fear.  What most guys do is nothing.  They choke.  I know, I’ve choked many, many times.

There is almost nothing that tells us more about ourselves as men than how we react to the threat of rejection.  And when we are attracted to someone, that threat is imminent. It tells us the truth about how we feel about ourselves, where we rank ourselves on the totem pole, and how much power we give other people that we think are “above” us on that same pole.

This by the way is why women are attracted to confidence.  It’s a natural test and one that we actually need to pass, not just fake our way through.  If we fake our way through it with posturing and gamesmanship then either we will come off “try hard” and unattractive, or we will attract her only to get crushed later.  That doesn’t mean technique and approach don’t matter, they do and we’ll get to that, but they are hard to pull off if you don’t really own it.

Here’s the questions you need to ask.  What is it that I’m afraid of and where does that come from?

Essentially we are afraid of rejection.  This leads to two other questions.  Why do you think you will be rejected (what are your insecurities) and what do you think rejection will mean (embarrassment and discomfort).  We need to face these fears head on.

What is it that makes you insecure?  In other words why will she reject you?  You know the answer to this by the way so just man up and say it.  Maybe it’s that you think you don’t make enough money.  Is it that you don’t think you are good looking enough?  Is that you aren’t fun or successful enough?  Not smart enough?  What are you insecure about?  Then ask, is it true?  Talk about scary stuff!

When you start actually working through it often you find that it isn’t true or that it doesn’t matter.  I’ve struggled with almost every one of the above mentioned insecurities.  Most of them had WAY more to do with how I viewed me than how women viewed me.  For example, I thought of myself as not good looking, but no woman had ever told me that. The thing is, when approaching a woman, how you think of you is infinitely more important than what she thinks of you.  If you project high value, chances are she will see that in you.

Again, you can try to pose your way though this.  You can try to amp it up and cover it up. But that’s like looking the answers up in the back of the book.  It works for the assignment that day, but it doesn’t help much on the exam.

David DeAngelo (“dangerous” secular guy) calls this improving your inner game.  But really as a follower of Jesus I should be facing my insecurities.  I should be finding out who I really am in Christ, which is usually a lot better than I thought.  Jesus was the most confident person ever.  We should be on that path.  If we aren’t we’ve got way bigger problems than handling attraction to women.  It’s just that attraction brings it out.  That’s why it’s good.  If we engage it, it can force us to deal with the rest of our life.

The second part is the fear of rejection itself.  As men we hate to be embarrassed or uncomfortable.  But this is where we need to relax.  What is the worst possible thing that can happen?  If she rejects you, you don’t have a date with her.  That’s where you are already.  Most women are not mean about this.  If anything they are too nice.  As long as you aren’t a jerk or a stalker you’re probably good.

Sometimes we need to remember we aren’t in 10th grade anymore.  It’s not like you are going to have to sit in class with her all day, while her friends make fun of you.  The only way to get into trouble with this is if you chase her after she says no.  Don’t ever do that.

The final reason we freeze is that most of us haven’t been taught how to approach a woman.  As men we don’t do well when we don’t have the skill to do something.  We are afraid of failure when we don’t know how to do it.  I’ll toss out some thoughts on that next week.

But for today, let me leave you with what I started with.  How do you react when you are attracted?  What are you afraid of?  What are you doing to change that?