Singleness Choices, Consequences and Opportunity Costs

One of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately as I’ve been reading some scripture is  idea of choice in the face of different contexts.  The particular scripture that started this thought was 1 Peter 2:13-20.  Here Peter instructs even servants to submit to their masters. . . even the bad ones.

Now obviously our culture and history has a lot of impact on how we read that.  But Peter’s point isn’t that slavery is good.  Or that unreasonable masters are ok.  The point is that regardless of my circumstances and context, I’m called to act as Christ would.  Peter and the early Church Fathers backed this up with their lives.  They actually did endure extreme injustice with joy.  In reading their writings, and writings about them, you can’t really help but be amazed by it all.

This is true for every area of our lives of course.  Our income level, our job, what country and situation we live in.  But for the sake of this blog it also relates to singleness, dating and marriage.

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The Singleness As A Gift Problem

Today I want to revisit the idea of the “gift” of singleness.  I was reminded of how messed up our theology of singleness seems to be by this post at Relevant.

Now to be fair, the author says some good things so I want to point those out.  He rightly says that the Church is too focused on marriage as the only path.  He also rightly implies that the Church is terrible at dealing with single people.  And he even goes so far as to say that not everyone will or even should get married.  Amen!

However, the problem here is that he links the gift of singleness to all people that are not married.  This idea is rampant and it’s bad.  It’s terrible theology, and it leads to confusion. Now I’ve written about this a ton, but like I said, we need to keep revisiting this.

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The Soft Sexism of Blaming Men

In my last few posts I’ve been talking about how we publicly shame men, even the good ones, from the pulpit and on the internet.  Note that I’m talking here about how Christian men shame other men.  This doesn’t include all the other people doing it.

Before I say any more, I want to say that I’m not bringing all this up to play some sort of men are the victim card.  I’m mainly bringing it up because it’s not effective in any way.  Frankly its part of the reason guys don’t go to church.  (There are other reasons, but that’s for a different day).

Today I want to venture deeper into the other side of this whole deal.  How does the way that Christian men call out good men impact Christian women.  While I’ll touch on some ways it affects marriages, my main focus will be for the unmarried.

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The Best Men On The Internet

The other day I saw a post on social media as a message to married men.  This message was in line with most Christian messaging to men that I’ve seen over and over. The basic message of most of these types of posts are:

  • You will know how well you are loving your wife by how she feels (does she feel loved, supported, empowered etc)
  • You are to be a servant leader not a manipulator or ruler.  In other words you’re not in charge.
  • Be willing to be wrong even if you’re not really wrong.  Her truth is the best truth.
  • Selective reading of Ephesians 5 focusing on how you should love your wife (which is  correct however that’s not all that Ephesians 5 says).
  • Basically – your wife is your grade card

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Nuclear Family vs. Nuclear Family Idol

I have spent a lot of time here railing against what I have called the Church’s Nuclear Family Idol.  What I’m realizing is that there are a lot of people in certain corners of the church that are railing against that idol but in a different way.  Therefore I feel the need to clarify two things – 1. What I’m speaking against and what I’m not and 2. What is the rightful place of the nuclear family in the church.

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The Costs Of Reformed Romance

In my last post we discussed the utter fiction of what I’m calling Reformed Romance.  The idea and mindset where we take the secular culture’s idea of romance and chivalry and combine it with Calvinism.**

Today I want to talk about some of the price we are paying for this.  I can’t cover it all in detail as that would be more of a book than a blog post.  But there is a cost to getting all of this wrong, not only for those of us in the western Christian culture but also for the rest of world that we live in.

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The Myth Of Reformed Romance

Have you ever gone into the Christian Fiction section in a bookstore.  It’s sort of unbelievable.  First of all, I still have not figured out what exactly counts as Christian fiction.  Why do we have our own section – why can’t it just be in the fiction section but written by Christians?  Is there a Jewish fiction section??  The truth is that we have our own section because we want it, and we are the only people that would possibly read it.

But the most disturbing thing about the Christian fiction section is the focus on what can best be described as Christian romance novels.  It’s incredible.  I would wager that close to 70% of the books in this section fit that category.  Probably more.  More amazing is that of those romance novels, probably 80% are either western or amish. Talk about a limited audience.

We’re in obvious need of better literature but that isn’t why I bring this all up.  I bring it up because rather than lead in what love, marriage, and singleness looks like (let alone what good literature looks like) we in western Christian culture have adopted what the world says and then arranged our theology and practices to accommodate it.  The impact of this runs much deeper than we realize and impacts not only Christians but everyone else.

We have made romance the thing.  We don’t say that directly of course. We’re more “holy” than that. Instead we couch it in what I call Reformed Romance.  This is where we sort of combine secular romance and shaky Calvinism.

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