Making Your Church Unmarried Friendly Theologically

In the last couple of posts I’ve been trying to make the point that if we want to do evangelization in the current western culture we have to have the unmarried in mind.  Two thirds of those that don’t attend church are unmarried.  I’ve asked the question, is your church unmarried friendly.  The obvious answer for most of us is no.  So what would it look like if it were?  Today I want to take a stab at the beginning of the answer to that.

There are at least two parts to this.  First there is a belief side.  This is the broader, overall view that we need to have in mind.  It includes theology but also practical belief.  The second part is the practices part.  What does it look like fleshed out.  What are some best practices that make the unmarried feel welcome?  Assuming correct theology and practical belief, how do we put it into practice?

Today we’ll look at the first part.  In my next blog we’ll take a stab a the practical implications.

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Can Christianity Be Bred Out?

As you may know, Christians around the world are being persecuted at a high level right now.  I saw an interesting article about what one political group in India wants to do.  They want to sterilize Christians as well as Muslims.  You read that right.  Confess your faith, be sterilized.

According to the article:

“Deva Thakur, vice president of the radical Hindu Mahasabha Party, has called for the forced sterilization of Indian Christians and Muslims. The radical leader also called on Hindus to have more children in order to counter the rise in India’s Christian and Muslim populations.”

Needless to say, this is an inhumane and terrible idea.  But it sort of raised some thoughts for me about things we’ve talked about here in regards to the church and the family of The Kingdom, vs. the church of the nuclear family idol.

The real question is this, can you breed out Christianity?  It’s actually a really, really interesting question.  The answer is of course no.  But it’s not as simple as even I might like it to be.

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Is Singleness The Unspoken, Unstudied Reason The Millennials Aren’t In Church

For the last several years we’ve been hearing from all sorts of places about how millennials are leaving or have left the church.  In reality at some level church membership and attendance is down across all generations.

This gallup report shows a lot of interesting statistics about church membership.  The bottom line however is that it has dropped significantly over the last 20 years.  Not only that, but when we look at millennials (those born from 1980-2000 – those aged 19-39), they have lower numbers than previous generations had at their age.  Only 42% of millennials are church members.

While the number of millennials who claim a religion at all is lower at 68% than the average of all Americans (77%) their church membership is even lower.

Now we could list a lot of reasons for the drop in church membership – not only for the millennials but for the country as a whole.  But there is one reason that I’ve tried to hammer here over and over and yet no one seems to recognize it.  That is, that single people, by and large, don’t go to church.

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Singleness Choices, Consequences and Opportunity Costs

One of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately as I’ve been reading some scripture is  idea of choice in the face of different contexts.  The particular scripture that started this thought was 1 Peter 2:13-20.  Here Peter instructs even servants to submit to their masters. . . even the bad ones.

Now obviously our culture and history has a lot of impact on how we read that.  But Peter’s point isn’t that slavery is good.  Or that unreasonable masters are ok.  The point is that regardless of my circumstances and context, I’m called to act as Christ would.  Peter and the early Church Fathers backed this up with their lives.  They actually did endure extreme injustice with joy.  In reading their writings, and writings about them, you can’t really help but be amazed by it all.

This is true for every area of our lives of course.  Our income level, our job, what country and situation we live in.  But for the sake of this blog it also relates to singleness, dating and marriage.

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The Singleness As A Gift Problem

Today I want to revisit the idea of the “gift” of singleness.  I was reminded of how messed up our theology of singleness seems to be by this post at Relevant.

Now to be fair, the author says some good things so I want to point those out.  He rightly says that the Church is too focused on marriage as the only path.  He also rightly implies that the Church is terrible at dealing with single people.  And he even goes so far as to say that not everyone will or even should get married.  Amen!

However, the problem here is that he links the gift of singleness to all people that are not married.  This idea is rampant and it’s bad.  It’s terrible theology, and it leads to confusion. Now I’ve written about this a ton, but like I said, we need to keep revisiting this.

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The Soft Sexism of Blaming Men

In my last few posts I’ve been talking about how we publicly shame men, even the good ones, from the pulpit and on the internet.  Note that I’m talking here about how Christian men shame other men.  This doesn’t include all the other people doing it.

Before I say any more, I want to say that I’m not bringing all this up to play some sort of men are the victim card.  I’m mainly bringing it up because it’s not effective in any way.  Frankly its part of the reason guys don’t go to church.  (There are other reasons, but that’s for a different day).

Today I want to venture deeper into the other side of this whole deal.  How does the way that Christian men call out good men impact Christian women.  While I’ll touch on some ways it affects marriages, my main focus will be for the unmarried.

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The Best Men On The Internet

The other day I saw a post on social media as a message to married men.  This message was in line with most Christian messaging to men that I’ve seen over and over. The basic message of most of these types of posts are:

  • You will know how well you are loving your wife by how she feels (does she feel loved, supported, empowered etc)
  • You are to be a servant leader not a manipulator or ruler.  In other words you’re not in charge.
  • Be willing to be wrong even if you’re not really wrong.  Her truth is the best truth.
  • Selective reading of Ephesians 5 focusing on how you should love your wife (which is  correct however that’s not all that Ephesians 5 says).
  • Basically – your wife is your grade card

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