Category Archives: Understanding Attraction

Insecurity Is A Sin

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I have a friend who says that most men are afraid of their wives.  My joke has always been that I’m afraid of my wife and I’m not even married to her yet. Ha.

Men, even though we like to act tough and hide it, often get all wuss like when we are around someone we like.  We act differently.  We become too nice or desperate.  This is bad for many reasons but one thing for sure, as long as you are afraid of the girl, she will not be attracted to you.

Women are constantly subconsciously testing men.  Do they feel safe with you?  Can you take care of them?  Can you stand up to them and therefore stand up for them?  If you fail the test, you will not be attractive.

This is why we need to face the our insecurities with women.

Insecurity leads to all sorts of bad actions.  Defensiveness, nervous movements, bad jokes, talking too excitedly, being sarcastic, talking about ourselves all the time to prove ourselves, or acting tough just to name a few.  These things make us appear desperate – because we are.

Now obviously dealing with the opposite sex is not the only place that we face insecurity, far from it.  But it is one place that almost all of us at some point experience it.

Here’s a harsh truth.  More than making us unattractive or keeping us from a full dating life, insecurity is a sin. It’s not some type of humility.  Humility is having a right view of who I am in comparison to God and relation to others.  It means being not self focused.  That’s not insecurity.

Insecurity means that I am looking for my security and identity in someone other than Jesus.  If I’m insecure around a woman that means I need her approval.  I’ve given her the power to define me and how I feel about myself.  This is totally wrong, a form of idolatry, and it’s not attractive.

Insecurity is also a sin because it is fear based.  Fear of rejection, or fear of what others think of me.  Fear is never from God.  The truth is, every decision we make, we make either out of love or out of fear. There’s not much in between.

And this leads to perhaps the biggest reason insecurity is sin.  Insecurity gets in the way of loving others.  Think about it.  If I “like” this girl and am desperate for her to like me, then there is no way I can really love her.  You can’t love someone when you are more worried about what they think of you than what is best for them.  It’s impossible.  As long as you are focused on attaining or keeping their approval you aren’t free to love them.  As long as you are being insecure, the focus is on you not them.

This gets in the way of all sorts of ministry and it for sure gets in the way of loving those closest to us.  It also keeps us from allowing others to love us because we are constantly putting up different subconscious walls to “protect” ourselves.

You can’t have insecurity and intimacy.  Intimacy requires safety and safety requires security.

Jesus was never insecure.  In fact no one has ever been more secure in who he was than Jesus.  This is one of the reasons that so many people were drawn to Him and why so many people hated him.

He was comfortable and confident.  Therefore when you had a conversation with Him He could be fully engaged.  He was completely free to love each person He encountered precisely because He didn’t need them to like Him.  It’s not that He didn’t want people to like him – heck He invited people to follow Him for heaven’s sake, but His identity did not depend (and by the way doesn’t now) on whether you followed Him or not.  He is who He is, regardless of what anybody else does.

This is why the more I find my identity in Christ the less insecure I will be.  The more that I know how loved and secure I am in Him the less I have to fear. I can’t just know about Jesus and His truth –  I have to figure out how to actually live out of it.

Mostly what we do instead is try to cover up and hide our insecurities.  We pick only the challenges that we can win.  And in dating we only pursue people we know will like us, or we stumble around unsuccessfully chasing the women that we really want or we pursue no one.

Christian men should be the most confident attractive men that a woman can run into.  But are we?  Not from what I’ve seen.

We have to face our insecurities.  So, when are you insecure?  Where does that come from for you?  What in your story has made you that way?  Do you live more out of your fear or your identity in Christ?

Never Chase The Girl

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When I was a kid, my dog died chasing a car.  Great opening right? Ha.  But seriously this dog always wanted to chase cars but usually was tied up.  But one day somehow she wasn’t and off she went.  Apparently she “caught” the car.  I don’t know all of the reasons dogs chase cars but I do know it never turns out well.  One of two things are going to happen.  They either fail to catch the car or they get hit.  It’s a lose lose.

The same is true when a guy chases a girl.  Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, the idea of chasing involves someone running.  Someone is running away and someone else is chasing that person.  That’s the whole set up.  So if you are chasing a girl that means that she is not moving towards you.

Now this is different than pursuing a girl. Pursing someone essentially means (in date speak) getting to know someone.  In other words, showing interest or asking questions or asking them out.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about chasing someone.  It’s this thing guys (and sometimes girls) do when they like someone and they are convinced that this is right even though the other person is not interested.

Perhaps we ask a girl out and she says no – or some equivalent that means no.  But that doesn’t stop us.  Instead we keep going.  It might be that we went on a date or two and the person says they just aren’t feeling it.  But we keep trying, keep calling, keep trying to talk them into it.

This is bad on so many levels it’s going to be hard to list them.

For one thing it makes you look like a total wuss.  And no one wants to date a wuss.  I’m sorry but that’s the truth.  It makes you even more unattractive.  It makes you desperate.  It will not change her mind!  It’s also kind of disrespectful.  She has said no. Leave it alone.  Walk away.  If you’re not careful you will become a punchline in her life at best and a stalker at worst.

It’s also bad because it makes the whole thing about you and it makes her an idol.  It becomes something that you are trying to “win” or “attain” which turns her into an object. At that point you are like the dog in that even if you miraculously (and it would be miraculous) caught her you’d be dead.  You’ve given up all of your power and leadership. You’ve given her total power over your life.  You’re dead.

Sometimes it can be hard to see and even harder to admit that you are chasing someone. So here are some keys to look for.  If any of this is true you are probably chasing:

  • You try to find all sorts of ways to be around her or angle to be with her but you have never asked her out
  • You have asked her out, she said no and you still follow her around (this includes social media) and keep trying over and over again.
  • She says things like, I just want to be friends, you’re a great guy, I just don’t feel that way etc and yet you keep working towards getting her to like you
  • You think you can somehow earn her liking you
  • You have ever or are getting ready to try to talk her into liking you.
  • You buy her gifts even though you are not in a relationship
  • You have all sorts of pretend conversations with her in your head – where you “lay it on the line”
  • You actually have a conversation where you “lay it on the line”.
  • You don’t go on other dates because you are waiting for her to like you and you don’t want to “mess it up”.
  • You are down or depressed over her not liking you
  • Most of your prayer life is about her

These are all really, really bad signs.  I know because I’ve lived it and it has cost me time and for a while some of my manhood.

We as guys have to understand that chasing the girl doesn’t work.  If anything it makes her run further away.  The truth is that if you ask someone out and they say no you may still have a chance – if you can walk away.  But if you can’t she’ll know.  And she won’t be attracted.  She might like the attention but she won’t be more attracted.  The only chance you have is to walk.

There are a lot of things you can do to never get in this spot to begin with and we’ll talk more about that.  But for today I want to encourage you to examine yourself.

Are you currently chasing someone?  Do you usually chase the girl you like?  How’s that working out?  Is it time for something different?

Don’t Be Friends First

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So as I’ve mentioned before I’ve read a whole lot of online profiles.  I mean a lot.  One thing that always makes me laugh is when the woman says something to the effect of, “I want to marry my best friend” or, “I want to be friends first.”

Gentlemen, don’t believe this.  Here is what that means in reality.  The whole friends first thing is just a safety measure.  It means essentially, “I want to lessen the pressure on this situation.” It can also mean, “I not attracted to you but I’m not good at saying no to people so I’ll say this instead.”  It does not mean they want to be “just friends” for a while and will be attracted to you later.

When a woman says she wants to marry her best friend, it means that she wants to be best friends with the person she is already attracted to and wants to marry.  That is not a bad thing by the way.  But it doesn’t mean that she wants to become friends and then marry someone even though she isn’t attracted to them.

Friendship in a relationship is extremely important.  In the book, The Mystery Method, “Mystery” (you can search this guy out on your own – I don’t condone all that he says but there is some good stuff) offers this equation: Attraction + Comfort = Seduction.  Read that again.  Here’s the idea.  If you create attraction with a woman but aren’t friend material (read comfort) eventually it won’t work.  But if you create friendship without attraction – that is all it will ever be.  You are stuck in the friendzone.

The point is that people, male and female, date people they are attracted to period.  End of story.  We’ll talk about how to get out of/avoid the friendzone later, but that is not the point of this post.  Today I want to talk about pursuing women under the guise of friendship.

This is especially important in the “Christian” dating (or courting or whatever you call it) culture.  Just because we are not going to have sex on the first date does not make us “friends”.  It means we have morals.  But this idea of being her friend so she will eventually like me is weak.  If I’m interested in pursuing a girl I should not approach it as a friendship. Why?  Because that is not what I actually want and that makes it shady.

It drives me crazy when guys do this.  This isn’t legitimate friendship.  It’s false.  It’s a strategy.  There are all sorts of reasons for this strategy.  Maybe, I don’t have the guts to ask this girl out so instead I will become “friends” with her.  Or I know she doesn’t like me but I like her so I’ll hang around her as much as I can and hope that eventually somehow she will “like” me.

Maybe I’ll join her small group, join her cause (something she is passionate about) or worst of all, I “minister” to her, thinking that eventually she will like me. If I do all of this with the hope/intention of turning it into more, then I’m not really being her friend. I’m using friendship as a way to pursue her.

Now I’m not talking about someone who is a friend and later becomes someone of interest. That can sometimes happen.  I’m also not saying don’t have female friends.  What I’m talking about here is using the friendship angle when you don’t mean it.  It’s bad because it’s intellectually dishonest.  Frankly it’s also a waste of time.  Once you are in the friendzone you are done.  Why go there on purpose?  You will never turn that into more as long as that is how she views you.

Honestly there are some guys who are lacking self confidence and think this is literally the only way to get to hang out with women they like.  I feel legitimate pain in my heart for you if that is where you are at.  But you are worth more than that. Stop subjecting yourself to this.

Finally there are guys who are “friends” first because they aren’t sure they want to actually date a particular person or they want to be “friends” with multiple people.  So they “hang out” (read date but without any kind of responsibility) with their “friend”.  Maybe it’s a girl who you think you should be attracted to or who your friends want you to be attracted to. It doesn’t matter. You already know you aren’t attracted to this person – or you’d ask her out.  Don’t drag it out and lead her on.

Look, at one point or another in the last 25 years I’ve done all of the above.  How many times did this work out?  Zero.

So have you ever used the “friend’s first” strategy?  Did it actually protect you?  Have you ever seen it work?

Don’t Have THE TALK!

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Here are the words that no person wants to hear, “We need to talk.”  Just typing it makes me cringe a little.  This is because we know what is coming next and it’s not good.  It means someone is about to have THE TALK.  This could be called the “define the relationship talk” or what I call the “talk them into it talk”.  It is always bad and never has to happen.

The truth is that if you have to have THE TALK you are probably screwed.  When both people like each other there is a pretty natural flow.  Now I don’t mean that you don’t talk about your relationship and what you are thinking.  I’m talking about pretending you don’t know the truth and then trying to control it with a conversation.

This is different for men and women.

Let’s start with the ladies.  Ladies can often feel the need for THE TALK a few months into the relationship or even after a few dates.  Now if this is into the relationship this is probably the guys fault and we’ll get to that later.  But ladies this is almost never a good idea.  And I want to warn you, make sure you actually want to hear the answer before you ask for THE TALK.

If you are deep into a relationship (meaning months not a few dates) and the guy is not pursuing you or leading the relationship that’s bad news.  It means one of two things. It may be that he is not that into you and is too passive, comfortable, or lazy to break up.  It may also be that he has something going on inside of him that is keeping him from leading forward (this could be sin, woundeness, or just immaturity). I’ll admit I’ve been both those guys.  No matter what it’s you can’t fix it.

You should indeed have a conversation here.  But rather than create a dramatic moment that for sure will backfire, here’s a couple of ways you could approach it.  You could just ask him calmly how he feels about the relationship, where he sees it going.  You will know by his answer right?  Then you can either give it a little more time or break it off.

Now, on the other hand if it is early on, after a few dates and you just aren’t sure (although honestly you probably know) then I think it’s ok to test it to get a better idea.  Try making a plan further out in the future.  What’s his reaction.  Look, if a guy is into you, you’ll know 90% of the time.  If you feel like he’s not it’s ok to bolt.  If you really like him and he chases you down, then great.  But if he doesn’t he was looking for a way out to begin with.  Don’t lay your whole heart out there after a few dates.  He hasn’t earned that.  You are worth pursuing right?

And ladies.  If there is someone you like who is not pursuing you, do not ask him out.  Now I’m going to write a post soon on how you can help a guy you like ask you out.  But even then you can only lead a horse to water.  He has to want to go out with you.

Gentlemen we typically have the talk when we like someone but aren’t dating them.  This is perhaps the most ridiculous idea ever.  And yet I’ve done it.  Many times actually.  It hurts me more than you know to type that and I can tell you it does not work.  It makes you desperate and unattractive.

Typically it happens like this.  We have someone we’ve met (or even just seen around – heaven have mercy) and we aren’t dating them.  We haven’t even really asked them out. Maybe we’ve been in a small group or we work with them or whatever.  We’ve probably become “friends” with them (post coming soon).  But we decide that now is the time to declare our intentions.

It seems almost noble and sort of “Christian” but I assure you it isn’t.  All that is going to happen is you are going to put a huge amount of pressure on the situation.  No matter what she says, it’s going to go bad.  Look, here is how to find out if a girl likes you.  Ask her out.  If she says yes go on a short first date.  If she says no then move on.  Do not have THE TALK.  For the love of all things, do not think that you are going to talk her into liking you.

Here’s what THE TALK really is.  It is an attempt to avoid or change reality.  You already know the answer.

So have you ever had THE TALK?  Have you ever seen it actually work?

Are You Hot Or Not?

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Here’s a question you have to answer.  “Are you good looking or not?”

For a long time my answer was no – hard to believe right? Ha.  I grew up not really thinking I was good looking and then in college I somehow thought I was and then in my 20s thought I wasn’t.  Confused?  So was I.  What’s funny is that when I go back and look at pictures in a yearbook, I was actually a pretty good looking guy.

One of the big traps as a guy is to think that your looks are the main thing that makes you attractive to a girl.  Now I think looks matter to women but not in the same way that they do to us.  According to most women I know, it is about an overall way we carry ourselves more than looks per se.  And let’s be honest, we just aren’t as good to look at as women.

However how we look does matter in several ways and how we think we look is hugely important.

For starters I think being in shape and “looking our best” sends a message to women.  It says, “I have my self together” and/or “I care about myself physically.”  I think how a guy looks matters in that way.  If he is in shape it says that he has some sort of discipline, that he takes care of stuff (and therefore might take care of her).  It might be subconscious but women notice it on some level.

But WAY more important is how you carry yourself as a man.

I’ve talked being confident and how that makes us “hot” to women.   What we think of how we look affects our confidence level.  What I’m saying is that our looks affect our view of ourself way more than a woman’s view of us.  This is part of the reason that the average looking guy can get the really attractive girl. That guy is confident in who he is and that is attractive.

Here’s a crazy fact.  I feel way better about how I look at 40 than I did at 30. Here’s how that happened with some thoughts of how it might relate.

First, I was out of shape at 30.  My workout habits were bad and my eating habits were worse.  I think we need to get healthy.  It will make us look better and more importantly feel better all of which equals more confidence which equals attractiveness to the ladies.

Second, I got invisalign braces and fixed my teeth.  Now I had felt subconscious about my teeth for a long time.  But my passivity kept me from doing anything about it.  That was stupid.  Now I don’t have movie star teeth now but it is way better.  Guess what, braces work – that’s why millions have had them.  The point here is that sometimes we just need to man up a little and take care of certain stuff.  If you have an area that you don’t feel good about that’s fixable (I’m not talking crazy like plastic surgery here) then why not do it.

This is one of the places where community has to have a role.  We need people in our lives who tell us the truth about stuff like this.  More people should have said, “Hey – you should get your teeth fixed,” or at least asked me why I hadn’t.

But the most important I did was divorce how I looked from my lack of success with women.

Here’s how that happened.  First I began to realize that average looking guys dated and married really attractive girls.  Then, kind of by accident I ended up dating a couple of really attractive girls.  Now none of those relationships lasted, but then it dawned on me, why would they have gone out with me to begin with if they found my looks undesirable.  I mean I didn’t run around dating people I wasn’t attracted to so why would they.  This was a revelation.  If I could get the first date, then my looks weren’t the problem.

What I had thought was the reason that I couldn’t get the girl wasn’t the reason at all.  I thought I wasn’t attractive enough, but no girl had ever really told me that.  I just bought the lie.  It was a lie that I had believed since I was a kid and I needed to healed of it.  It was like God just kind of showed me, “Justin, this is not the problem, you look fine.  It’s been a lie.”

If you would have asked me ten years ago if I was good looking I would have said no.  Now I’d say yes.  That’s God.  That’s also hot.

So here’s the question again.  Are you good looking or not?  What are you basing your answer on?  How does that affect your confidence?

Do You Want To Have Sex With Her?

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Starting in middle school I always had what I’ll call a target girl.  This was the girl that I thought was “THE ONE“.  She was basically the girl that I thought was the most attractive and if I could somehow get her, then everything in my world would be right.  This became a pattern for a long time.  This idea that a particular girl who was “hot” was the answer to my love life.

What’s really interesting is that these girls I liked weren’t necessarily more attractive than many other girls.  Grab an old yearbook and find pictures of the girl that you were obsessed with.  Compare her to a bunch of other girls in the book.  My bet is she’ll be attractive but not way more attractive than others.  It’s crazy.  There were girls I could have pursued, who maybe would have gone out with me, who are just as attractive.

Our society has a standard of beauty.  This is not actually real of course.  We all know the photos of women we see in magazines are doctored etc.  Yet we are constantly comparing.  I remember one time sitting at Sonic (taking a break from cruising North Oak) with a friend of mine and a cute server came out.  My friend said, “She’s cute but I don’t like her calves.”  Really?!  But as a teenager, inundated with a constant stream of the cultural standard it’s not a surprising statement.

The problem is that we think if we could get the perfect looking woman then we would be validated as a man.

This isn’t just the idea that we would always be attracted to this person (which is a lie) but also it’s an ego thing.  We want everyone to look at our girl and think that we have arrived because we have her.  We are looking for the perfect beauty and comparing everything against it.  This imaginary beauty becomes our standard.

My pastor has shared from the pulpit many times (borrowing from Driscoll) that when you are married, your wife is to be your standard of beauty.  I think that is an incredibly right and profound truth.  When you are married she is THE ONE.

But here is what we don’t talk about.  As a single person, what the heck is my standard of beauty supposed to be?  Answer from the pulpit, “Cricket, cricket, cricket.”

I know of no guy who married someone that he wasn’t attracted to physically.  To pretend otherwise is a joke.  Now back in the day of arranged marriages you got married and that became your standard (biblically, although obviously not always in practice).  But here in the now, you choose who to pursue and physical attraction is a part of it.

So what should be our standard of beauty?

For starters, hot does not always equal beauty.  If you’ve dated at all you know this is true. Beauty is more than physical.  It has to do with who a person is.  We’ve all met the hot girl who got less attractive as we got to know her.  We’ve also had women who as we talked with them and saw them in action, we saw them as more beautiful.  This is one of the reasons that we HAVE to move from looking at women to talking to them.  Being physically attracted is just a starting point to a deeper attraction.

Our standard has to be more than is she the hottest person in the room because there will always be another hot person.  Always!  You have to get beyond this.

At the same time I would say that you need to be physically attracted or you are not going to pursue.  I think you have to have what I’m going to call physical chemistry.  For lack of a better way of saying it, you need to want to have sex with this person.  Now the good and bad news about this is that as guys we can see having sex with a lot of people, so it’s not a stand alone criteria for marriage.  But realizing this can free us up to pursue someone instead of waiting for an imaginary woman.

You also need to get over what anyone else thinks about how attractive she is.  This is so stupid.  I can’t think of one guy I respect more or less because of how “hot” his wife is. What matters is are you attracted to her.  And no woman no matter how “perfect” is going to validate you – only God can do that.

We have to stop comparing women to the world’s standard and allow ourselves to become and stay attracted to someone.

So here’s my question to you – What is your standard of beauty?

Women Can Smell Desperate

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Several years ago I was hanging out with some older married friends (remember it’s good to have married friends).  They were asking about my dating situation.  As usual during that period there was a girl I really liked and was pursuing (read chasing) and I wasn’t sure if it could go anywhere.  One of the men said, “Women can smell desperate.”  We all laughed.

Women really can smell desperate and no woman that I know wants to go out with a guy who is desperate.  It’s not attractive.

A quick note about attraction.  Here’s a newsflash.  You have to be attractive.  If women are not attracted to you then you need to actually deal with that.  This is probably not really about physical attraction as much.  In fact how you look as a guy does affect things but it affects how you think about yourself more than how a woman thinks of you (future blog).  But if you don’t have women being attracted to you then you need to figure that you probably have some stuff to work on.  That’s ok – it’s not ok to pretend it isn’t a factor.

One of the ways we can be unattractive is to be desperate.  A non desperate man is very attractive.  Think about it.  The guy who has a girlfriend, or even a wife – women are more attracted to him.  You see it all the time.  Women truly can smell desperate and they walk away from that.  It makes them uncomfortable.

So what does desperate “smell” like?  In some ways it’s hard to define.  But when you are desperate there are some subtle (and not so subtle) signs.  There are the things that women subconsciously pick up on – signals you send when you are desperate.  Here are a few

  • Lack of eye contact – if you can’t look her in the eyes, or hold it
  • You have a submissive posture – I know this sounds weird but if you are slumped over and kind of leaning forward you can convey weakness
  • Fidgety movements – this just betrays nervousness
  • Talking really fast or excitedly.  You know how a new puppy goes crazy when it sees you and sometimes pees itself – yeah not good.
  • Needing everyone to “like” you.  Heck, needing her to like you.
  • Any sort of apologizing or rationalizing when you first approach her.  For example, “You are probably busy but. . . ” or “I might not be your type but. . . ”  Pretty much any sentence with the word but in it.
  • Being too loud (pushy and striving) or too quiet (needy and submissive).

These are just a few examples.  How are you doing?  I don’t mean with the random girl – I mean with someone you really want to meet.

Here are two things we have to do. 1. We have to get our core questions answered from God.  If you are thinking that a woman is going to answer questions like, Do I have what it takes?, Am I a man?, Do I have worth? then you are going to be desperate when approaching women.  Don’t give women that kind of power over you.  They don’t want that power anyway.  2. We have to face our fears of rejection.  We have to actually go approach women. Remember that there is not THE ONE.  I know she seems magical right now but you’ve made it this far without her.  If she rejects you, you will be ok.

Here’s the thing about behaving desperately.  It betrays a truth about you that you had better figure out.  It means that you are not fully confident in who you are with the Lord. That’s the beauty of this whole area of discussion.  It’s a two for.  If you begin to deal with this it will force you to deal with Jesus and get your identity and confidence from Him.  In turn it will help you with the ladies.  I honestly believe that this is why God sets us up as the initiator.  He knows it’s hard and he knows that you have to be strong to do it well.  A man who is strong in the Lord is attractive precisely because he is not desperate.  If you were truly fully confident in who you were in Jesus, you could approach anybody.

For a lot of us, this is a lot more than a dating problem.  We lack confidence period.  The attractiveness to women issue just sticks out as the big example.  It would be a great idea to do a couple of things.  Ask, “where else do I feel desperate or try hard?” and if you have people you trust, ask them where they see you not being you.  Then take that to the Lord. Being single is great.  Being desperate is not.

Stop Looking At Her And Go Talk To Her

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From about 7th grade until I was in my mid 30’s (man I hate admitting this), I had a huge thought that ran through my head when it came to dating.  It was basically, “I can’t get the girl I really like to like me.”  Now granted in 7th grade, no girls (whether I liked them or not) liked me – ha.  But as I went into high school there was always THE girl that I wanted. Kind of adolescent version of THE ONE. If I could somehow be “good enough” then THE girl would like me and my world would be complete.

When I got to college this changed because I just dated people and wasn’t looking for THE ONE.  But after college it came back.  There would be someone that I liked that I couldn’t pursue, or more often that just wasn’t interested in me. There were other people who liked me – but not the “right” people so to speak.  So I wasn’t unlikeable, which I guess was good, but I couldn’t seem to get the girl I was all about.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me similar stories.  There are a lot of reasons for this.  Part of it is we are playing with a narrow field.  I mean you want to date someone you are actually attracted to and get along with, who also loves Jesus and has some sort of similar direction in life.  It’s a smaller target area to a degree than a lot of our culture.  Add to this that as believers we are not looking for the “hook up” (at least hopefully not) and the pressure mounts.

So as guys, what happens is when we finally see someone who seems to fit all the categories, we choke.  We end up thinking about this person way too much and give her this power over us that she should not have – and if we really got to know her that she would not have.  We stop being ourselves and become passive or nice.  Which is why these women are never attracted to us.  We end up thinking too much or strategizing for the right moment, or we become “friends” with them.  All of this makes me want to vomit, mainly because I spent so much time there.

If you are thinking that only the “wrong” women like you, then you are the problem.  

You are acting differently around the people you really like. The women you don’t like are attracted to you because around them, you are yourself.  You lead, and stand up for stuff. Women like that.  But when you get around someone you really like you can’t do it.

If you don’t change this, you will never get married because you probably won’t marry someone you are not attracted to and excited about, and you won’t be able to get the women who you are attracted to.

You have to get out of your head.  If you are having pretend conversations or thoughts about a person, you are done.  It’s over.  It’s not going to happen and certainly not the way you are pretending it will.  Worst of all, she is not the person you have made up in your head.  It’s not real.  Stop it.  Seriously.  Ask God to kill the pretend.

We build up the woman we like into something not real. But she’s an actual person who -as awesome as she is – sweats, bleeds and even poops just like you.  So stop being scared.  Look, if you think she is not going to be interested in you, she won’t be.

Stop looking at her and start talking to her.

You have to act.  The longer you delay, strategize, etc, the deeper hole you are digging for yourself.  My opinion is that you have only a one to one look at/talk to ratio.  In other words once you’ve made eye contact you have to act – ideally in about 30 seconds.  If you don’t, you send one of two messages – 1. you are not interested in meeting her or 2. you are scared of her – and worse, you’re now deeper in your own head.

Even if all you do is introduce yourself that’s great – in fact typically that’s better.  We are going to get into some technique stuff later, not so that we can all be Casanova but because no one in the church is helping us guys figure this out (I promise this is coming soon).  But the number one way to kill the pretend and/or stop being afraid of her, is to talk to her.  I promise, she’s a real person – who could actually like you.

So can you get the one you like to like you?  What goes through your head when you are attracted to someone?

Get In The Game

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From about the age of 27 to 31 I went on zero dates.  I know, hard to believe.  I would have told you that I had no good options and that I was focussed on ministry but really that would have been a load of crap.  Now to be fair I was working really hard in my job and I did live in a smaller community but truthfully, while I would have said that I wanted to be married (believe me I would have emphatically declared my overwhelming desire for that), I just wasn’t doing very much about it.

But then I decided I was going to get into the game as it were.  One way or another I was going to meet people and go on dates.  Now I did a lot wrong and frankly by this point I was pretty messed up in this area of my life and God had to basically teach me how to pursue women again but I was not going to sit around and wait.

I think one of the reasons we have more single Christians is that there is an over spiritualization of the whole thing.

There is this idea that God will send me someone and I won’t have to do anything about it.  This, in my view is ridiculous, ineffective, hurtful, and completely inconsistent with everything else we do in life.

While I do think that God sends people into our life, we have to act.  If I pray for God to get me a job, for example, do I now not have to complete a resume?  Do I not have to go on a job interview?  Does a job just appear?  Of course not!  I ask God to help me find a job, to guide my search, to help me discern between options etc.  But then you know what, I hit the pavement.  I go out and apply.  If I don’t, chances are I will remain jobless.

The same is true for finding a spouse.  I’m not going to get married if I don’t ever go on a date.  The number one way to guarantee singleness is to not pursue marriage.  And pursuing marriage means getting out there.

To some extent it’s a numbers game.  I’m not saying date just anybody but I am saying that dating nobody will result in staying single.

Back in the day most marriages were arranged in one form or another.  But we are not back in the day.  We are here living in this culture.  I mean if you want your parents to pick someone for you go for it but most of us, and especially if you are 25 and older, don’t really see this as a viable option.

Gentlemen, this mostly falls on us.  We are the initiators.  But most of us are not initiating well.  We look at women, but we don’t approach them.  We angle our way into “friendships” but don’t ask people out.  We see a woman across the room that we want to talk to but we let the moment pass (Ladies – it is ok to initiate contact by the way – that is not the same as asking a guy out).

We have all sorts of excuses.  “I’m not sure I like her yet” – well how will you know if you don’t spend time with her.  “I don’t want to lead her on” – it’s one date – and get over yourself already.  We are scared of rejection and we are scared of success.  Some of us flat don’t know how to talk to women and have no confidence in this area.  Some of us are just lazy.

If you want to get married you have to get past all of this.  I’m not suggesting serial dating (I keep promising to get to this group and I will – because I’ve been there too), but I would argue that for most of the guys I know this is not the issue.

Here are some ways to get in the game.

  • Let your friends know you are looking.  Getting set up by people that know you can be good.  Remember it’s just one date
  • Talk to women.  I know this sounds simple but start doing it more – get to know women.  Work on being comfortable around them.  Even those you aren’t interested in.  They might have a friend.
  • Do online dating.  This is part of our culture and it works.  Seriously.  This will help keep you engaged.  Here is a great breakdown of different sites.  I’d suggest one site at a time – trust me (more on this soon).
  • Do ministry – serve
  • Don’t hesitate.  If you want to ask someone out – do it – right then.

Dating is risky.  It can be hard, frustrating and you could even get hurt.  You could also get married.

Quit Being Nice

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When I was a younger single guy, one of the things I just could not understand was why women always chose against the nice guy.  I after all was a nice guy.  But no matter what women said about what they wanted, they always chose guys who didn’t fit that category. I’ve touched on this in a couple of places, but today I want to address the nice guy and why it doesn’t work.

First, the premise is wrong.  What we are really assuming (we being the nice guy) is that we are better (somehow less sinful) than someone else.  This throws us into allegiance with the oldest son in the story from Luke 15.  That is not the company we want to be in.

But even if we don’t judge the non-nice guys we are still fooling ourselves.  

The truth is that being nice is just as much an angle as any other approach.  What it comes down to is no one is actually that nice.  In other words if I’m being nice to a woman because I want her to like me, well how is that any different than any other manipulative move?

Let’s take the giving flowers thing for example.  I started a new policy on flowers a few years ago.  I don’t give flowers to someone to get them to like me.  Never.  I don’t do it because we got in a fight, and I want the woman to like me again (classic nice guy move).  I only give flowers to care about the woman, without any other motive.  Do you see what I’m saying?  If I’m being “nice” to seek the woman’s approval, I’m screwed.  Either she will think I’m a wuss and bail, or maybe worse, she will dominate me.

In other words if I’m being nice to get the girl to like me, that’s not all that nice.

To make matters worse, women are typically not attracted to the nice guy.  The reason is because women don’t want a guy who follows them around.  They want someone who can be a man and lead.  They may not even consciously know this, but instinctively they know it.  Get this line right here – “If you can’t stand up to her, you will not be able to stand up for her”.  Seriously think about it.  Women are subconsciously testing this out all the time.  And to top it off, nice guys are boring because they always want to do what the woman wants.  Women don’t want to be bored – they want adventure.  They want a guy who is strong and not afraid of them.  Again if you are afraid of them, you can’t protect them and that is not attractive.

Now that’s not to say women don’t want a “good” guy.  There’s a difference.  It’s critical actually.  Think about Jesus.  No one, and I mean no one who met Jesus thought, “hey Jesus, he’s a pretty nice guy.”  No!  People thought Jesus was a good guy but anyone who hung around Him knew He was not a wuss, and not “nice”.  They’d seen His power, daring, leadership, and adventure.  Like the famous line in C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia when the kids ask if the lion Aslan is safe and the beaver replies, “Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good.” Jesus was good and He was loved and hated.  He stood up for the right stuff.  He knew who He was.

Here’s the difference when it comes to dating.  Nice guys are worried about what the woman thinks.  Will she like me?  Will she be mad at me?  The good guy worries about what is right – and tries to do it, regardless of the what the woman wants.

Adam was nice in the garden – he should have been good.  He should have stood up to Eve. 

Women instinctively know the difference.

How do you know if you are a nice guy?  Here are some clues.  You are afraid of what women think of you.  You can’t approach a woman you want to talk to.  You are always in the “friend zone”.  You are told by women you want to date, “You’re a great guy but. . . ” You buy gifts for women that you are not in a relationship with.  You don’t understand what makes women attracted to a “bad” guy.

I’ll be writing more about how to kill the nice guy later – it can be done, I’ve done it, twice actually (he came back to life – pesky son of a gun), but the first step is recognizing it. By the way, this is important even if you are called to singleness or for that matter if you are already married.

So fellas, are you a “nice guy”? Ladies, am I wrong here?